Aversion and Love Poisoning
- Friday, November 18 2011 @ 09:05 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,112
Some lessons seem simple. When you’re a baby and you accidentally touch a hot stove, what have you learned? You shouldn’t touch the stove. When you try to hug a bumblebee and it stings you, what do you take away? Avoid bumblebees at all costs. And when you’ve fallen in love and it hasn’t turned out well, what should you do next time? Try not to fall in love at all.
Oh, wait. Maybe some lessons aren’t that simple.
It might be tempting to attempt to shut down all future emotion when a relationship ends poorly. However, simple aversion probably isn’t the best solution for the rest of your life. Why should you deny yourself something with the potential for good, something that might even enrich your life, simply because you met one bad egg?
Speaking of bad eggs, consider food poisoning. If you had one nasty night after some poorly-prepared food, would you starve yourself in the future? Likely not; instead, you might eye the food that has the potential for harm with a little caution in the future. Likewise, after a bad relationship, you might have learned some red flags to look for - but that doesn’t mean you should give up on all potential love with all people. Just because you met one jerk, why should all people be the same?
“But people are not food,” you may argue. “Matters of the heart are far more complicated.” Fair point, but how about this: if you had a falling-out with one friend, would you give up on friends forevermore? Or, would you understand that the unique relationship you had with that specific person might have contained problems, and you can apply what you’ve learned in your other relationships? Romantic relationships are really not that different from close friendships; the element of romance is the only absolute difference. Yet, we tend to view friendships and romantic relationships as completely different species, probably because we were introduced to the latter much later in life, and we have that much more practice with the former (not to mention it’s common to juggle several friendships at one time).
It can be tempting to make sweeping negative generalizations in the world of dating. “I will never go on a blind date again.” “All people who dress a certain way are trouble.” “I’ll never feel the same way about anyone again.” However, in doing so, you’re underestimating everything: your own judgment, the uniqueness of individuals, the biology of humans and their ability to love. Why sell yourself, and the entire human race, short?
Oh, wait. Maybe some lessons aren’t that simple.
It might be tempting to attempt to shut down all future emotion when a relationship ends poorly. However, simple aversion probably isn’t the best solution for the rest of your life. Why should you deny yourself something with the potential for good, something that might even enrich your life, simply because you met one bad egg?
Speaking of bad eggs, consider food poisoning. If you had one nasty night after some poorly-prepared food, would you starve yourself in the future? Likely not; instead, you might eye the food that has the potential for harm with a little caution in the future. Likewise, after a bad relationship, you might have learned some red flags to look for - but that doesn’t mean you should give up on all potential love with all people. Just because you met one jerk, why should all people be the same?
“But people are not food,” you may argue. “Matters of the heart are far more complicated.” Fair point, but how about this: if you had a falling-out with one friend, would you give up on friends forevermore? Or, would you understand that the unique relationship you had with that specific person might have contained problems, and you can apply what you’ve learned in your other relationships? Romantic relationships are really not that different from close friendships; the element of romance is the only absolute difference. Yet, we tend to view friendships and romantic relationships as completely different species, probably because we were introduced to the latter much later in life, and we have that much more practice with the former (not to mention it’s common to juggle several friendships at one time).
It can be tempting to make sweeping negative generalizations in the world of dating. “I will never go on a blind date again.” “All people who dress a certain way are trouble.” “I’ll never feel the same way about anyone again.” However, in doing so, you’re underestimating everything: your own judgment, the uniqueness of individuals, the biology of humans and their ability to love. Why sell yourself, and the entire human race, short?
Subscribe
