Relationships

They’re the thing we dread most, when we’re on a date or just talking to someone with whom we aren’t incredibly comfortable: awkward pauses. It seems like such a benign thing, really: just a moment of space in a conversation. Still, an awkward pause can make us sweat, and worse, strike insecurity in us, causing a slow downward spiral of conversation quality. Awkward pauses are inevitable, but with some practice, we can minimize them, and handle them effectively when we need to.

First, there’s the issue of practice. Practice might not make perfect, but it can certainly take away the element of surprise. When people turn to online dating, it’s often because they don’t have much opportunity to meet new people - which means they’re probably not talking to strangers on a regular basis. So get your practice where you can find it! It doesn’t matter if it’s the gas station checkout clerk or the person standing next to you in the long holiday shopping line; simply getting comfortable with smiling and saying hello to someone new can be a help when your adrenaline has better things to worry about.

Next, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework before you head out on a date. It’s easy to get involved in the general busyness of everyday life and ignore the rest of the world; however, right before a first date, when you’ll be casting about for conversation topics, is not an ideal time. Take a few minutes to scan a news site for the big topics. Try to make a note of ones that are, well, not incredibly depressing. It might be a little soon for the most hot-button issues, too; remember to scope out the entertainment, science and technology sections for something a little more tame.

It’s good to have topics prepared just in case, but remember to really listen to your date. There’s nothing wrong with a little space here and there; it shouldn’t be a goal to fire off as many topics as you can to fill the time. Listen to your date’s answers, and respond accordingly. You might wind up on a topic far away from the ones you had prepared - and really, those are the best kinds of conversations!

Finally, remember that a slower pace, or space between answers, isn’t the enemy of good conversation. Talking over dinner or coffee can make pauses feel more natural, as you sip your drink or take a bite. If anything, a space might mean that your date is actually thinking about the question, which certainly isn’t a bad thing!

Even with preparation, an awkward pause is bound to happen sometime. If it does, perhaps the best defense is to address it head-on - maybe with a joke about getting the awkward moment out of the way. Regardless, when you’re prepared and confident, an awkward pause might not seem like a big deal after all - and you can focus on the conversation, instead of the pauses in it.

Are cash-strapped single girls dating for free dinners?

According to a recent article in Business Insider, at least a few girls have.

Introducing 23-year-old Manhattan-dweller Jessica Sporty, a girl who says that her $45,000 a year salary couldn't cover her rent, credit card bills, and food expenses.

What did she do to cure her financial troubles? Did she ask for a raise, find a second job, or look for a cheaper living arrangement? Nope, those options were far too mainstream. This enterprising young lady logged onto a popular dating site and starting scoring free dinners by going on dates with clueless men.

Yep, you read that right. Sporty started eating out five nights a week using a rotation of different men that she met online. To avoid confusion and emotional attachment, she limited herself to no more than five dates with the same guy, and never allowed them to see where she lives. She chose her suitors based on their financial profiles, targeting the investment banker types who could treat her to dinners at the city's most expensive eateries.

And her strategy worked - she went from spending at least $500 a month on dinners to having someone else pick up the tab for her meals. At an average of $60+ per night, the savings started adding up quickly. She also stopped eating lunch and choose light breakfasts to save even more. Although her dating site has a $50 monthly subscription fee, she says that her dates more than made up for the expense. "I mean, a guy buys me three drinks at $15 a pop and that right there made up for my fee," she explained to Business Insider. One man, she claims, even dropped $200 for a bottle of champagne during a date.

Seeing her success, Sporty's roommates got in on the action too. The creative trio made spreadsheets about each man that detailed important data like their names, photos, and info from their dating site accounts. They let each other know where they were going each night and who they were going with, and always met their dates in public locations.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Sporty began running into people she recognized from the site as online dating became increasingly popular in NYC. Eventually she tired of the scene, citing exhaustion and a weariness of "playing the game." She now has a steady boyfriend, and it seems as though she may have retired for good.

Was her strategy smart? Was it ethical? Was it gold digging, or simply a smart financial arrangement?

With the end of the year approaching, it's time to start planning your New Year's resolutions. You're on your own for goals about fitness and finances, but I can offer a few suggestions for your love life. We all have bad habits we need to break, and what better time than the new year to make some major changes to the behaviors that are sabotaging our relationships?

Some of the bad habits that may be harming your relationships are:

1. Poor communication skills. Your partner forgets to take out the trash - what do you do? A) Silently steam about it for days and leave the rotting refuse in place hoping your partner will remember, B) Take it out yourself and discuss the problem with your partner later, or C) Fly into a rage (and maybe launch the bag at your partner's head). If you answered anything but B, your communication skills could use a little work. The next time you feel upset about something your partner does (or doesn't do), take a moment to think about the seriousness of the offense. Is it really a big deal? Is it something you can handle yourself instead? If not, is your anger proportionate to the problem? Is your anger actually about another, deeper issue? Instead of starting a screaming match, calmly explain why you're upset using "I" language that doesn't place the blame on your partner - "I was upset when you didn't take out the trash, because I'd told you how busy my schedule was and felt like you didn't care."

2. Being a scorekeeper. Keeping score is for the sports arena, not for your relationship. As my father always told me, "Life isn't always fair." That sounds bleak, but it really isn't - there's no reason to keep track of all the give and takes in your relationship, because life can't be lived on "Yes, but's" alone. "Yes, we spent last Thanksgiving with my family, but we spent it with your family for 4 of the last 5 years." So what if things aren't always "fair?" When you worry too much about the payoffs of your actions, you lose sight of what's really important. It's always better to give a lot than to give none, because the best way to get a lot out of something is to put a lot into it.

3. Living in the past. You know this is a problem for you if you find yourself treating your partner like he or she is responsible for (or will repeat) the problems in your last relationship. This is a result of your subconscious mind working against you - rather than preventing old problems from arising, living in the past will cause new problems in your current relationship. To fix it, ask yourself what still bothers you from former relationships and how it may be manifesting in your new relationships. Then, every time you feel angry with your current partner, ask yourself if he or she really deserves or is just a victim of the problems in your past.

Single women know what their dating preferences are, especially when it comes to age. For each woman, it's different. Some prefer older men who seem more well-established and mature, while others prefer the energy and ambition of a younger man.

So, who's right when it comes to finding love? Should we all become cougars, searching for men who can help us hold on to our spontenaeity and youth? Or should we go for older guys, who have more experience and know how to better communicate (maybe because they've been through a divorce)?

The answer is, there's no right answer. First of all, the stereotypes don't ring true. A person's maturity level, willingness to commit, and ability to communicate are dependent on more than age. Someone who is thirty might be ready for a long-term relationship and unafraid to start a family with an older woman. Or he could be more set in his ways than someone twenty years older. On the other hand, a man in his fifties could have a youthful spirit and degree of spontaneity not found in someone half his age. He could also be unwilling to commit, preferring his bachelor status.

The point is, there's no way to tell what kind of person you will meet purely based on his age. Often, once you get to know him, his age is not as relevant as you might think. So if you are filtering out your online searches or telling your friends, "please don't set me up with anyone younger than 35 - or older than 40," you might want to rethink your strategy. There could be a lot of quality men you don't get to meet because you're filtering them out based on an arbitrary idea of who you think they are.

When I was online dating, I was scared to date any men much older or younger than me. I thought that they wouldn't be serious, or that they'd have too much baggage. As it turns out, I filtered out a man who would later become my husband - because of his age. (He was on the same online dating site that I was at that time.) The only reason we are together now is because I met him one night at a mutual friend's party, quite by accident.

We laughed about our online dating disconnect, but I realized a valuable lesson: I got a second chance to find him, but others in my situation might not be so lucky. So I encourage everyone who is dating: let go of the filters and see who you meet. They could surprise you.

Joining an online dating site is typically thought of as less stressful than dating by more traditional means; you can check out profiles from the comfort of your own home, any time of day, and you don’t need to get dressed up and spend an evening out that may yield few results. You can complete a profile in your own time, with careful editing, so you have total control over your first impression. However, what many don’t realize is if they’re not careful, they can set up an entirely different set of expectations, and make online dating more stressful than it needs to be.

The single biggest mistake that online daters make is thinking that relationships begin due to the profile alone. Profiles are simply the equivalent of “noticing” someone in a crowded room; the extra details, like whether you have common interests, make it more likely that emailing this person, or “saying hello” is worth your time, but there’s no guarantee of chemistry, or even that you’ll like each other once you’ve said hello.

Thus, it’s tempting to spend an unreasonable amount of time perfecting the profile, over-thinking every phrase, without ever considering what might happen beyond “hello.” In the comfort of our own home, it can be difficult to mentally transition from an idea of a match to a real person.

The curse of over-thinking can also make an appearance on the first date. Compare meeting someone through an online dating site with someone you’ve randomly met in a bar: through online dating, you’ve read each other’s profile, had conversations through email, and have some idea whether you’re compatible, as opposed to someone who’s a blank slate. And yet, it’s not uncommon to feel less confident in the chemistry present, or even your own attractiveness. Why? Well, perhaps when we can control various aspects of dating - like, say, our profile - we become all the more conscious of elements we can’t control. We want so much to have a successful date, that we forget to let the date actually happen.

So when you’re writing your profile or heading out for a date, try to remember that there’s a certain element of chance, parts you can’t control - and that’s okay. There are no bonus points for having a picture-perfect first date, or starting a relationship as efficiently as possible; you’re just trying to find the right fit for you. Enjoy the moment, and the possibility of a new friend. Online dating can take quite a bit of stress out of the dating game; don’t add any back in with over-analyzing.

The holidays are a time to spend with loved ones, right? But what if you can't? What if your loved one is hundreds, or even thousands, of miles away?

Long distance relationships can be a challenging undertaking at the best of times, but the distance can feel even greater during the holiday season when everyone around you is cozily cuddled on the couch or locking lips beneath the mistletoe. If traveling isn't an option for you or your partner, there are plenty of ways you can keep the spark, and the holiday spirit, alive in spite of the miles between you.

1. Spread the joy of the holiday season with a love note. With modern technology, a love note can take any form you want - an email, a romantic IM, and yes, even snail mail. For the most personal experience, choose unique stationary and send a handwritten declaration of your love.

2. Create a support system. If your significant other can't be in the picture this year, who can you spend time with instead? Use the time to connect with friends and family, and find someone you can rely on for moral support in case the blues get the better of you.

3. Send a special gift. Just because you're not together doesn't mean you can't exchange presents. Choose something special that will remind your partner of you, like the holiday CD you've loved since you were a child, homemade gingerbread cookies, or a piece of clothing with your favorite fragrance on it.

4. Participate in holiday traditions together. Thanks to Skype, you can share your traditions no matter how far apart you may be. Set up the webcam and sing carols, watch a favorite seasonal movie together, or give each other a tour of your home's holiday decorations.

5. Chronicle your holiday adventures. You may not be able to spend the holidays together, but you can still be a major part of each other's lives during the season. Start a blog and chronicle all your December adventures, from ice skating, to cooking a holiday feast, to lighting the menorah or hanging ornaments on the tree. Post stories and pictures to make your partner feel as much a part of your life as possible.

And if all else fails to cheer you up, there's always one more option: purchasing a plane ticket and paying a surprise visit to your SO! That's even better than a visit from Santa Claus...