Relationships

There are a few things that I look forward to at the end of every year. Christmas dinner with my family. Making resolutions for the new year. And all the Top 10 lists.

"Top 10 Albums Of The Year." "Top 10 Movies Of The Year." "Top 10 News Stories Of The Year." It's a quick, easy, and pop culture-friendly way to reflect on the major stories and scandals of the last 12 months, and this year YourTango has added a new list to the mix: The 11 Weirdest Dating Studies Of 2011.

Let's see what made the cut...

1. Men prefer to date women who have been dumped. A study published by the University of Michigan found that men prefer to date women who were dumped by their last boyfriends, while women prefer to date men who initiated their last breakup. The team behind the study speculates that when a man initiates a breakup it reinforces male dominance and traditional gender roles, whereas a woman who initiates a breakup is perceived as picky and high-maintenance.

2. Highlighting your flaws may make you more appealing on online dating sites. OkCupid ran a study that analyzed the photo vote patterns and messages from 43,000 female members. They found that falling in the middle of the attractiveness scale (being "cute" rather than "hot" or "unattractive") didn't always work out in women's favor. Playing up the features they thought that men wouldn't like, however, did prove to be a successful strategy for women.

3. People can identify a cheater by the sound of his or her voice. 120 male and female college students were asked to make vowel sounds in a range of pitches, then participants selected the voices that they thought were most attractive and the voices they thought belonged to cheaters. Men associated higher-pitched female voices with cheating, while women associated lower-pitched male voices with infidelity. There may be a biological imperative for the women's response: a deep voice could be indicative of a higher testosterone level, which may in turn be indicative of more promiscuity and an increased likelihood of cheating.

4. Adele could get you a date. Adele's most famous songs are about breakups, but it turns out that listening to her music may be a good way to hook up. A dating site called Tastebuds.fm, which matches potential dates based on their taste in music, found that the most successful online daters are fans of Adele's music. Lovers of Arcade Fire, Kings of Leon, and the Arctic Monkeys were also lucky in love, while Metallica, Linkin Park, and Eminem fans were the least popular dates.

5. Hamsters are unlikely to ruin your chances of getting a date. Yep, someone actually studied that! When Craigslist.co.uk asked single men and women what kind of pet would make them less inclined to date someone, the hamster won the coveted title of "Least Likely To Break A Couple Up." 28% said they wouldn't date a dog owner and 25% wouldn't date a cat owner, but only 10% said a hamster is a dealbreaker.

The remaining six weirdest dating studies of 2011 are waiting just around the corner...

Mobile devices are changing the way in which we communicate with others. Texting has become the new norm, which means people are talking to each other less and less. How many times have you made or broken plans with friends over text, without ever speaking a word? So it's time to accept that it's typical to get asked out via text, even though it might seem a bit impersonal.

However, when you're dating, you can't do away with phone calls altogether. After all, you're building a relationship. It's hard to get the nuances of someone's personality purely from a text message, especially when you don't know them well enough yet. Let's just say when I've communicated with dates only through texting, it's led to hurt feelings, misinterpretations, and general disaster. So I've put together a few rules for those of you who like to conduct your personal life through text messages, and why you should consider a more traditional approach sometimes (ahem...occasional talking?).

Start off with a conversation. Especially if you're online dating. Most single women like to know that the person they are potentially meeting for coffee isn't crazy, so a brief phone call in advance is a good idea. Stick to light topics and try to keep it brief. There's no need to ask a lot of questions or talk at length up front - save that for face-to-face time.

Argue over the phone, not over text. If you want to discuss a sensitive subject, or you're angry about something your date posted on Facebook about you, pick up the phone and call. Trying to argue with someone over text is a waste of time and energy, and may not accurately relay your feelings (as opposed to your voice) - leading to more misunderstandings.

Flirt via text. I'm a sucker for flirtatious texts. When you are looking forward to seeing someone again, a flirty text goes a long way to keeping the lines of communication open and chemistry going. Also, it's good to let your date know you had a great time after the date - and this can be done with a simple text message. Then the ball is in his court to ask you out again.

Don't disappear. Ok folks, the disappearing act is getting old already. If you're not interested in seeing someone after a few dates, a simple text saying "thanks, but this isn't my thing" means your date won't spend so much time analyzing why you've disappeared (did you drown, or travel somewhere for work with no Internet access?) - and wondering what she could have done differently. Sometimes you're both interested, and sometimes only one of you is. So have some courage to communicate before you move on. If you've been going out for a while, please use the phone and have a conversation. This shows some respect for the relationship.

Leave the phone out of a date. Don't text when you're on a date, or keep your phone on the table ready to take that important call. Leave work on hold for a couple of hours. Call your friend back. Consideration goes a long way to making a good impression.

It's easy to start your resolutions for the New Year on January 1st, but by the time mid-January hits, you may find your motivation waning in favor of convenience. Work and daily life rituals take priority once the post-holiday determination has worn off. It might be hard to drag yourself to the gym after a hard day at work, or to fix a healthy meal when you'd rather just heat a frozen pizza.

Despite our good intentions, life can interrupt our plans for self-improvement. So instead of beating yourself up for not sticking to your diet or exercise regime, try to hold yourself accountable in a new way. Vow instead to try something new once a day or once a week, depending on how adventurous you are. You'll notice how small changes in yourself can translate to improvement in dating, too. Changing your life starts with taking a few risks - doing things that are outside your comfort zone. What better time to start than the New Year?

Following are some examples to get you inspired and thinking outside of your comfort zone:

Approach new people. Whether you're in line for coffee or at a friend's party, introduce yourself to the person next to you. Even if you aren't attracted to him or her. When you become more comfortable with putting yourself out there and talking to new people, you'll find it gets easier to flirt and network, and you create more dating opportunities.

Ask him out. If you're a woman who prefers that a man ask you out on a date, turn the tables. Ask that cute guy in the cubicle next to you out for a drink. Say hello to the man you see walking his dogs every day when you're jogging, and strike up a conversation. Don't always think of what you "should" be doing, but what potential opportunities are around you that you could be missing. Take a chance.

Go someplace new. If you frequent your neighborhood bar or favorite restaurant searching for dates or interesting people, branch out. Go someplace you've never been. Go alone so that you'll talk to the person at the bar next to you. Don't just settle for the same old places and neighborhoods. Expand your circle.

Try a new hobby. The first time I tried paragliding, I was terrified. But I did it, and it was the most amazing experience - one I would do again in a heartbeat. This may not be for everyone, but there are many other new things you could try - including a cooking class, surfing lessons, or even joining a bowling league. Think of something that's always interested you and try it out. Maybe you won't like it, but maybe you'll find a new passion. There's nothing sexier to a date than having some passion.

Happy New Year!

The new year is a time for breaking old, bad habits and establishing new, healthy patterns. I've already talked about a few of the bad habits that may be sabotaging your relationships, but what else might be in need of a New Year's resolution in 2012?

1. Eliminating insecurities. Does any of this sound familiar? You refuse to let your partner see you naked unless the lights are off. You find yourself unable to accept compliments. When you think about how great your partner is, you wonder why he or she is dating you. Those are all signs of major insecurities. Not only are they harming your relationships, they're not a productive part of your life in general. Eliminating insecurities can be tough, soul-searching work, but the benefits are so numerous that it's well worth pushing through the hard parts.

2. Letting go of limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs may explain why you have insecurities in the first place. Limiting beliefs are the negative thoughts and self-talk that your mind is convinced are reality, like "There's something wrong with me," or "I don't deserve to be happy," or "No one will ever love me." Is it really a surprise that beliefs like that are taking a toll on your relationships​? Practice letting them go and replacing them with new beliefs that are in alignment with your vision for yourself, like "I am confident and ready for love."

3. Overcoming neediness. Major attraction killer alert! Neediness does not a happy relationship make. A clingy partner is a major turn off, and worse, it's likely to destroy your confidence and cause depression. Make sure that you have an interesting, exciting, fulfilling life outside of your relationship. Pursue your own interests, cultivate your own passions and hobbies, travel without your partner, and spend time solo with your friends.

4. Do away with dealbreakers. Ok, you don't have to get rid of all of them - let's face it, they're there for a reason! - but you should seriously consider doing away with a few of them. Which ones aren't really serving you? Does it actually matter which side of the bed he sleeps on, or whether or not she loves Metallica? Are those things really the foundation for a strong relationship? Some dealbreakers are good, like "must not be a serial killer" (you're only going to make that mistake once!), but having too many dealbreakers is a dealbreaker itself because it may prevent you from meeting someone amazing.

5. Say "no" to negativity. We enter relationships because we want to be with someone who brings joy and light into our lives. Someone who brings happiness and humor with them wherever they go. Someone who improves our life just because they're in it. Can you do that if you're a constantly negative person? Of course not! Negative people score very low on the dateability index. Practice cutting negative thoughts, actions, and words out of your repertoire, and replace them with their positive counterparts. Positivity is extremely contagious, but it's much more desirable than the common cold and it doesn't cause the sniffles.

Are you starting a new diet or exercise regime in the New Year? Do you want to break an old bad habit, like perpetually running late or chewing your nails? There are an endless number of noble pursuits when it comes to resolutions - big or small - and now is the perfect time to make these changes for the better. But what about your old habits when it comes to dating? Should they change, too?

Many people continue dating exactly like they always have, blaming their unexciting love lives on the limited choice of available men and women. How often do you say, "he's not my type" after a date? How often do you feel that online dating has become a ho-hum experience? Maybe there's another way of looking at things to increase opportunities for excitement and passion - even lasting love.

Instead of blaming the things outside of your control (where you live, the type of people you're meeting, the lack of available single men or women), try changing the things that are under your control. For instance:

Loosen your list. Maybe you prefer to date academics or musicians, but why not try lawyers or entrepreneurs instead? In other words, don't limit your choices before you've really started exploring what's out there. Don't feel comfortable dating an older woman, or maybe a younger man? Then try it! Push past those limits you've placed and see who you might meet.

Keep an open mind. Instead of deciding within ten minutes of meeting someone whether or not you have chemistry and if it's worth your time, put off all your judgments. Think of your date as a developing friendship, rather than a chemistry test. If you enjoy someone's company, go out again. There's no reason to cut things off just because you don't have that surge of passion from the start. The best relationships grow from two people really getting to know each other first - rather than heavy chemistry followed by disappointment because you didn't see who they really were.

Take some risks. It takes a considerable amount of courage to date. You're putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to someone else in order to be intimate. So, have some respect for your dates, even if they don't go so well. Try new places, and make a better attempt at introducing yourself around and engaging in conversation with people you've just met. The more you take risks to find love, the better you're able to navigate the waters and the more likely you'll find someone special.

Make some dating resolutions. Just like a new exercise regime, when you keep at it, you'll see results.

Happy New Year!

They’re the thing we dread most, when we’re on a date or just talking to someone with whom we aren’t incredibly comfortable: awkward pauses. It seems like such a benign thing, really: just a moment of space in a conversation. Still, an awkward pause can make us sweat, and worse, strike insecurity in us, causing a slow downward spiral of conversation quality. Awkward pauses are inevitable, but with some practice, we can minimize them, and handle them effectively when we need to.

First, there’s the issue of practice. Practice might not make perfect, but it can certainly take away the element of surprise. When people turn to online dating, it’s often because they don’t have much opportunity to meet new people - which means they’re probably not talking to strangers on a regular basis. So get your practice where you can find it! It doesn’t matter if it’s the gas station checkout clerk or the person standing next to you in the long holiday shopping line; simply getting comfortable with smiling and saying hello to someone new can be a help when your adrenaline has better things to worry about.

Next, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework before you head out on a date. It’s easy to get involved in the general busyness of everyday life and ignore the rest of the world; however, right before a first date, when you’ll be casting about for conversation topics, is not an ideal time. Take a few minutes to scan a news site for the big topics. Try to make a note of ones that are, well, not incredibly depressing. It might be a little soon for the most hot-button issues, too; remember to scope out the entertainment, science and technology sections for something a little more tame.

It’s good to have topics prepared just in case, but remember to really listen to your date. There’s nothing wrong with a little space here and there; it shouldn’t be a goal to fire off as many topics as you can to fill the time. Listen to your date’s answers, and respond accordingly. You might wind up on a topic far away from the ones you had prepared - and really, those are the best kinds of conversations!

Finally, remember that a slower pace, or space between answers, isn’t the enemy of good conversation. Talking over dinner or coffee can make pauses feel more natural, as you sip your drink or take a bite. If anything, a space might mean that your date is actually thinking about the question, which certainly isn’t a bad thing!

Even with preparation, an awkward pause is bound to happen sometime. If it does, perhaps the best defense is to address it head-on - maybe with a joke about getting the awkward moment out of the way. Regardless, when you’re prepared and confident, an awkward pause might not seem like a big deal after all - and you can focus on the conversation, instead of the pauses in it.