Relationships

There's no question that building trust is the most important aspect of any relationship. So what do you do when someone breaks your trust by cheating? Do you tell him to leave and refuse to discuss it? Or do you forgive too easily, afraid of being alone?

This is a complex subject, and one that's worth exploring. There are many reasons people cheat, from sheer compulsion to the breakdown of communication in a relationship. They key to moving forward is having an honest conversation. Only when you can discuss your true feelings and what led to the transgression can you understand what to do about your relationship - namely, should you stay or should you go?

Following are some steps to consider taking:

Try couples therapy. If you find that you can't have a conversation with each other without exploding or slinging mud, then a third party can help put you on neutral territory. Remember, getting to the heart of the problem doesn't mean blaming or punishing; it means trying to understand what the other person feels, thinks, and wants so you can see where the relationship went wrong. When you can see things clearly, you can make better decisions - ones that aren't based in anger or fear.

Take some time apart. If the thought of being in the same room with your cheating partner makes your skin crawl, you may want to consider a temporary separation. Emotions can easily get out of control, so if you need space, claim it. Just remember this isn't a time to take revenge by having your own affair. Make a clean break before you get involved with someone else.

Reflect on your relationship. While I don't condone cheating, often there is a reason for it. If you're honest with yourself, you can ask the question: did we communicate well? Did I understand my partner's wants and needs, and did we want the same things? Did we respect each other? Often, one or both of you were unhappy in the relationship already, and the affair provided an escape, or perhaps an excuse to change things. It's healthy to recognize what might have gone wrong, to see if the relationship is salvageable.

See if you can build trust again. Once you've taken the steps to determine whether or not you want to continue in the relationship, it's a good idea to take small steps to build trust between each other if you do decide to stay. Start with the basics - does he call when he says he will? Did he paint the garage like he promised last week? Does he make an effort to prove his love for you? These small steps go a long way towards building the relationship mutually respectful grounds.

It’s no surprise to anyone that the popularity of online dating is growing; it’s even being embraced by new generations, such as baby boomers. The question is, why is online dating suddenly more acceptable? Is it just that its put in its time and earned its “cred”? While that’s certainly part of it - the more familiar something is, the less intimidating it is - I think there’s actually a more complex reason contributing as well.

To put it in two words: social networking.

Online dating is essentially marketed to a few types of people. If you’re the first type, you might decide to use online dating sites because you’re looking for an alternative to a tired bar scene, or maybe your job has working strange hours and it’s harder to meet people during the standard evening hours. You’re using it for the convenience, but still you’re impatient with the “online” aspect of it - let’s meet in person, already!

Another type prefers online dating because they’re more comfortable with the idea of “meeting” online first. Perhaps they express themselves better in writing, or they’re shy. They like getting to know someone through emails first so that they’ll actually have something to talk about during the inevitable awkward first date. For them, online dating is less about convenience, and more about playing to their strengths.

So where does social networking come in? It helps bridge the gap between the two types of people, making them potentially compatible. Maybe five years ago that first type of person would have been skeptical about the idea of “getting to know someone” through a profile or email; now, however, they’ve witnessed how much information they’ve learned about co-workers or family members through social networking (maybe too much) and perhaps they’ve even made new friends through Twitter.

Essentially, social networking has helped us all strengthen the skill of communication via internet. Suddenly, online dating becomes not a necessary evil, but a sensible alternative to the dating scene for anyone. And since it’s narrowing the gap between “different” types of people, it’s widening the potential dating pool for most, as well.

Who would’ve thought chatting about your day would be so useful?

Being single can mean many things. Some singles are looking for a long-term relationship, while others are looking for a rebound after a bad break-up. Still others are looking for exciting ways to spend their time while they are focusing on other priorities, like a career. So it's a mistake to think that everyone you date is on the same page. There is too much gray area.

So what do you do if you're attracted to someone, but are unsure of what they want? Do you keep dating them in the hopes that they will one day proclaim their love, or do you tread carefully and hope they don't want anything too serious right now?

The answer is - stop trying to figure out what your date wants out of a relationship. Figure out what you want. It's crucial to understand where exactly you are in terms of the level of commitment you want in a relationship, so don't kid yourself about it. You could be sending out your own mixed signals.

If you think you want a long-term relationship and eventually even marriage, but you're scared of giving up your personal freedom and career goals, you may be hesitant to fully commit to anyone. Instead of keeping yourself at a distance by maintaining your independent lifestyle and working long hours, be honest with yourself and see if you are willing to fit a relationship into the picture. I'm not saying to sacrifice independence or career success, but with relationships come compromise. Be sure you're willing to make some before you start down that path. And be sure you're willing to state your needs to your partner so he isn't left wondering - which means really knowing what you want.

Another scenario: If you jump from relationship to relationship in the hopes that the right partner won't act so "needy," you might also be putting up stumbling blocks that you're not aware of. If you keep falling for people who expect more from you than you're willing to give, ask yourself why. Are you giving too much too soon in your relationships, and later becoming resentful? Are you compromising your needs for their happiness? Are you looking for someone who needs you or looks up to you rather than someone who is equally independent? If you feel trapped or that too many expectations have been placed on you, take a step back. See what you can change in your behavior. Are you communicating your needs? Are you being true to yourself, or living up to someone else's expectations? Do you really want a long-term relationship at all?

There's a balance that comes with relationships. It's essential to know what you want and also that you're willing to compromise before entering into anything serious. It's also essential to communicate so you and your date are on the same page - and it's okay to take things one step at a time.

If you’ve ever read up on tips and tricks for writing online dating profiles, chances are you’ve come across the issue of humor - perhaps with a giant circle and a slash through it. In general, people are discouraged from trying to be funny or make jokes in their online profile. There’s a good reason: so much more than words goes into humor (tone of voice, context, facial expressions), that merely typing out a joke makes it easy to be misunderstood or simply found unfunny. So does this mean we forget about humor altogether in dating? Far from it!

Humor is very much tied up in chemistry, and we all know this on some level. Women, in particular, often state that they’re looking for someone “funny.” People who have a difficult time understanding social interaction often have an equally hard time with humor. When we laugh at the same jokes, we’re relating - we’re on the same page, sharing an experience. That’s why it can be more fun to see a comedy in a theater full of people than watching it alone at home. Now, humor isn’t all there is chemistry - I’m sure we can all think of comedians we find hilarious but don’t find attractive - but it’s a great first step.

So do you have to wait until the first date to find out if your senses of humor are compatible? Not necessarily. The first clues can be found right on the profile without cracking jokes. If you share the same favorite comedies, for example, you might be on the right track. The next step comes when you interact through email; a simple, non-stress way to share a laugh might be to throw in a funny image at the end of an email (preferably one that’s even relevant to what you were discussing - the holidays, shopping, summer, etc). Your potential match might respond with something they like in return. It’s an easy and fun way to see if you find the same material funny, without having to try to be a comedian yourself.

Trading funny material beforehand can make your first date a little easier, too - you’ll already have a conversation to pick back up. When in person, however, remember that you’re on a date, not putting on a performance; listening is just as important as talking. You’re trying to see if you fit well together, not if your date finds you funny. Plus, humor is never as good if it’s forced. Enjoy your date - the humor, if you’re compatible, will naturally support the conversation, rather than being a main focus.

Sharing a sense of humor can be a great first step in determining if you have basic chemistry - but that doesn’t mean you have to be a comedian. Instead of always trying to make someone else laugh, on your profile or in person, think about what you find funny and find out if they agree. Ultimately, it’s not about putting on a performance - it’s the shared experience that’s important.

So you’ve decided to plunge into the world of online dating, and you’re incredibly excited. You carefully write an edit a profile, and you’ve got a great default picture. With a just a few butterflies in your stomach, you post everything, and wait expectantly. Then you go on a business trip for a month.

When you return home, you’re excited to check out your profile. How many messages will be waiting for you? You’re dismayed to discover you don’t have any emails at all, and only a few nudges. Online dating is supposed to be easy! What did you do wrong?

Online dating is, indeed, a good choice for someone with a busy or unusual schedule, but that doesn’t mean you don’t carry any responsibility. First of all, a few people might stumble onto your profile, but really the only way to ensure it’s seen is if you email people in whom you’re interested. Some people seem to think that they shouldn’t be the one doing the pursuing; they’ll only wind up with more wasted time in the long run. You can sit around and wait for Prince Charming or Cinderella to come sweep you off your feet... or you can be a little proactive and do a lot less waiting.

Secondly, most online dating sites have a way to find out how recently someone logged on to check their profile. If you leave town for a month and don’t check in, others will know. They might think you’ve abandoned your profile, or that you’ve already found a match, and not bother with the time it takes to send an email. It only takes a few seconds to log into a website - don’t let complacency be your downfall!

At this point you might be thinking, “But that’s work! I thought online dating would do all the work for me!” Well, consider this: a good first-contact email is only a few sentences long. There’s no cost to sending emails, and even many online dating websites are free to use. Compare that with weekends hanging out at a bar or club, spending money on overpriced drinks, tired from a long week. What sounds like more work now?

Someone's telling you about how they met their significant other through online dating. Of course, the real story begins at their first date. The time spent looking beforehand - well, that can be condensed into a montage. It's not important, right?

Everyone has probably heard that it’s important to be honest and genuine when it comes to online dating. What may be more difficult to remember is that it’s also helpful to be honest and genuine about the realities of online dating - to yourself and to others. Keeping an honest and realistic perspective is the surest way to prevent burnout and discouragement. So, what sort of issues fall in the “honest and realistic” category?

First, remember that online dating is still dating. The first person you date may be the one for you - but they might not be, and that’s okay. Online dating is helpful in that it lets you sort through the white noise and find people who have a higher chance of compatibility, who you might not otherwise get to meet - but once you meet in person there’s still the basic issue of chemistry. Not everyone is perfect for everyone else. The good news is, at least with online dating you’re making the dating process more efficient.

Next, remember that you’re not ordering up a date, and that online dating sites don’t keep perfect partners in a storeroom somewhere. What this means is that there may well be dry spells - times when you’ve pretty much looked at all the profiles in your area and no one new has joined. The good news is that no one online dating site is the sole way to meet someone new - you can always try other sites and activities. Plus, there’s always the chance you could meet someone in some chance encounter, like a movie theater line. And when you’re not watching for that pot to boil, activity may well pick up on your dating site.

Finally, it can be discouraging when you feel like you’re just playing numbers - when you say “I get one response for every ten emails I send, so I should contact this many more people this week...” it can feel less like finding a friend and more like playing Bingo. What can help is to remember that every single person you contact is one person you wouldn’t have met otherwise. Even when numbers seem dismal, you’re interacting with far more people than you would through work, or even going to a bar or club. Again, it’s efficient. To avoid losing sight of the human aspect of dating, remind yourself frequently that you’re dealing with people, not profiles or emails. And you’re not trying to win the lottery; you’re looking for a friend, the right match for you.

When someone meets a good match, they excitedly tell all their friends. The days of self-doubt and frustration melt away, and listeners are left with a fairy tale. While that’s encouraging in the short term, it’s important to be aware of the whole story - that not only does building a relationship take time and effort, but sometimes even finding the right person does too. The good news, though, is that viewing a fairy tale with a realistic eye doesn’t mean a happily ever after ending is any less likely.