Relationships

In general I consider myself pretty adept at keeping up with technology. If there’s a new browser out there, I’ll try it; I’m not averse to incorporating the technological world into my personal life, like online dating. But the other day I realized I have a blind spot when it comes to technology and dating.

I was discussing the perception of online dating and safety with a friend, talking about the usual safety tips for meeting in person, when she asked, “What about video chatting?” My mind was blown. I’ve only recently bought a web cam myself - back in the day it seemed silly, since most were grainy and delayed anyway. Now, however, you can easily have a real-time conversation, just like the “video phones” in futuristic sci-fi movies. Yes, what about video chatting?

On one hand, video chatting seems like the perfect happy medium for someone who wants to meet their potential match, but is nervous for the reasons of safety. With video chatting, you can at least ascertain that your potential match matches their profile pics reasonably well. You can try out your conversation skills. The “meeting” doesn’t have to last as long as an actual date; you’re not stuck for an evening with this person. And if you aren’t getting any creepy vibes or red flags, when you do meet in person you’ll be all the more relaxed and comfortable.

On the other hand, video chatting is still creating an unnecessary step in the middle of the dating process. While you can get a better idea of what someone’s like through video chatting, you still don’t truly know until you finally meet in person (just think of all the Hollywood actors who are told they’re “shorter” or “smaller” in person). And just like a still picture, some people just aren’t photogenic; their real charisma can only be felt in person. One can only assume chemistry works somewhat the same way; pheromones and other, unquantifiable reactions just aren’t as effective over a screen.

So do we need to include video chatting as an essential new step in the online dating process? Not necessarily. However, it’s a viable alternative to yet another email. And though it may seem silly (since you already have a profile picture), inviting a potential match to video chat can give an impression of confidence and bravery. Perhaps a webcam isn’t a bad tool to carry in your bag of tips and tricks.

It’s not uncommon to see articles proclaiming that online dating is full of liars. “An amazingly high percentage of women lie about their weight!” one might say, or “You might as well subtract an inch from that man’s stated height, because statistically he’s lying!”

Well, technically, this might be true. However, if fudging one’s weight or height is the worst character flaw in your prospective match, then are things really looking all that bleak? Not all of the “lies” are even intentional; not everyone hops on the scale every day, so the supposed average weight “lie” (less than ten pounds) might well be normal fluctuation. And I personally don’t know when I last stood up against a wall and had my height measured; I do know, however, that I’m likely to get a little shorter as I get older, as my spine naturally compresses (thanks, family history of osteoporosis).

Instead of cynically wondering whether our date has been one hundred percent truthful with the numbers, we might want to ask ourselves what the numbers actually mean. Even if we know a height and a weight, we don’t actually know how that translates on the person in question. Since we don’t normally walk around advertising our stats on the street, we don’t even really know what typical people weigh. The most information we have is on celebrities - and since the camera adds weight, these celebs tend to look much smaller in person.

A full-length picture might be more telling, and it certainly says something about your date’s honesty and confidence. However, again, the camera is not always truthful, and the right angle can add or subtract pounds. And that’s not even taking into consideration the sad fact that not everyone is photogenic.

So instead of quibbling over an inch, a few pounds, or one photograph, perhaps we should do what online dating sites intend us to: find someone intellectually compelling, who we find reasonably nice-looking, and let the issue of chemistry and attraction go until we meet in person. After all, we aren’t looking to fall in love with a profile, or a picture, or general statistics; we want someone solid, three-dimensional, and human.

One of the realities of online dating is that most people will - to some extent - misrepresent themselves in their profiles. Usually it's adjusting age by a couple of years, weight by a few pounds, or income by a few thousand dollars a year in order to make yourself more appealing to more people.

While this can be frustrating, it doesn't mean that you should immediately dump your date without giving him a chance. People have different levels of self-awareness, and it might serve you better to get to know them before writing them off entirely.

After all, have you ever fudged in your online profile? Even if it's just that you posted pictures from a couple of years ago instead of a more recent depiction? The point is, everyone is trying to make himself look better (including you) to attract the best candidates. As long as you look at online dating profiles as a starting point to getting to know someone, you can more easily keep your expectations in check when you actually do meet face-to-face for the first time.

On the other hand, some people who are online dating are deceptive, and it's good to look out for warning signs in advance. If they don't post pictures (and refuse to send any to you when you ask), or if they deliberately avoid certain topics (like career or what kind of relationship they are looking for), or provide only brief responses in their descriptions, messages, or emails, they are likely trying to hide something. Be wary of meeting them face-to-face.

And if you are excited to meet someone, only to discover they look nothing like their profile? It's best to have a plan of action. If you're not interested in getting to know the person and want to end the date, have some class. Don't just make an excuse and wander off to the restroom never to return. Tell them politely that you just don't think it will work out, or that you feel they mislead you in their profile or with the pictures they posted. Then excuse yourself and leave.

Don't attempt to be nice just to save someone's feelings. If you continue with the date knowing that you've been mislead, and then tell the person it was nice meeting him, then you're wasting your time. He might even ask you out again, and you're faced once again with telling the truth. So be honest from the start.

And if you find yourself consistently dating people who post dishonest profiles, instead of blaming online dating or all the people you've been meeting, see if there might be something in your profile that could be contributing. Are you asking for women who look like supermodels, or men who only earn a certain income? If your standards are rigid, people will feel they need to impress you. Just keep in mind how you come across in your own profile as well as how others may come across in theirs. We could all improve the dating experience this way.

Every so often a story will pop up in the news that leads to renewed concern about the safety of online dating. Recently, several online dating sites have vowed to make dating “safer” for their members, discussing measures such as background checks. Such measures are certainly admirable and appreciated, but the fact remains that online dating is not really any less safe than any other kind of dating. Would you expect a background check from someone you met at a bar, or the gym? With a little bit of practicality and common sense, you can maximize your safety, no matter how you met your date.

First and foremost, until you feel comfortable in person you should always arrive at the date yourself, whether you drive yourself or take public transport separately. Yes, you might miss out on the romance of being “walked to your door” on that first date, but there’s no sense putting yourself in a vulnerable situation before you’ve had time to assess in person. Note that while getting to know someone through email helps with general compatibility assessment and pre-date jitters, it shouldn’t really be used to assess your safety; there are some “gut” reactions that just work better in person.

Stick to public and populated locations for your first few dates. If you’re particularly nervous about your safety, have someone keep an eye on you - make friends with the barista or have a real-life friend nearby, or call to check in. Leave the information you have about your date, as well as your plans, with someone before you go out. Quiet walks through the park at night, or trips to a drive-in movie, can wait ‘til later.

Don’t be afraid to put your sleuthing cap on when it comes to safety. Using a search engine or social network isn’t creepy if your sole goal is to ascertain that your date is legit. Additionally, when you’re excited about a new date it can be tempting to throw on the blinders when things don’t match up; don’t be afraid to use critical thinking and ask questions. You don’t have to be paranoid, but you don’t have to shut off your brain, either.

Ultimately, dating, whether online or through more conventional means, is no more or less dangerous than any other interaction we have every day - provided we use good judgment and attempt to avoid obviously sketchy situations. It might seem a little overboard to keep safety at the front of you mind - and it might even be unnecessary - but good habits will allow you to relax on the night of your date, and focus on what’s important: your compatibility.

If you have a "type," niche dating sites are a dream come true. You know Apple's "There's an app for that" advertising campaign? Niche dating sites are kind of like that...whatever you're into, no matter how obscure, there's a dating site that caters to your needs, kinks, dealbreakers, and deepest desires.

As the popularity of online dating grows, so does the popularity of niche dating sites. Curious about what makes them so successful, Business Insider spoke to the guys and gals behind 15 of the top niche sites in the market. The most popular by far is AshleyMadison.com, the infamous dating site for those looking to hook up behind their partners' backs. Adultery, it turns out, is big business - the site raked in more than $50 million in 2011 and expects profits upwards of $80 million in 2012.

Then there's VeggieDate, a site that helps vegetarian singles connect. For many vegetarians, vegetarianism is more than just a diet plan - it's a lifestyle choice, and dating someone who doesn't understand that lifestyle is out of the question. There's also the Passion Network, which includes such gems as "Stache Passions" and "Pirate Passions" alongside more traditional offerings like "Jewish Passions" and "Christian Passions."

Fans of Ayn Rand can meet on The Atlasphere, and other book lovers can find each other on Alikewise. The Big & The Beautiful introduces plus-sized singles and geeks meet on Geek2Geek. BeautifulPeople.com votes in only people who are rated as highly attractive by other members. Sugar daddies and sugar babies connect on sites like Seeking Arrangement and SugarDaddie.com. There are sites for any kind of religious faith or political leaning you can imagine. There are even sites for farmers, tattoo enthusiasts, Apple fans, sailors...the list is endless....

It sounds perfect for those who have a very specific idea of what they're looking for, but niche dating sites aren't all happily ever afters. By focusing only on a small portion of potential suitors, you run the risk of missing out on a whole heap of potential partners that you could really click with. If the lion can fall in love with the lamb, a vegetarian could certainly fall in love with a meat-eater. Cats and dogs may fight like...well...cats and dogs...but that doesn't mean that cat people and dog people can't fall in love.

Love has no limits, and neither should you. Join a niche dating site if you have a clear picture of the perfect partner, but consider joining a general dating site as well to keep your options open.

For more information on some of the dating services mentioned here you can read our review of SeekingArrangement.com and our review of Sugardaddie.com.

Online dating can take a lot of time and effort. In addition to posting your photos, writing your profile, and searching through matches, you can get a lot of emails or questions to sort through. It's almost necessary to be efficient.

So if someone emails you and you're not interested, what do you do? Do you ignore the email, sending it to the trash and hoping the person gets the hint and doesn't write again? Or do you respond, apologizing for your busy schedule and trying to delay any kind of initial meeting with more excuses? Sometimes worrying about what to do can take more time and energy than anything else.

Rejecting one of your online matches can be even more difficult if you've already had that first coffee date. Let's say you'd exchanged some emails, and the conversation was pleasant enough. But you just weren't interested - the chemistry wasn't there and you didn't want to go out with him again. Unfortunately, he had a different experience. He emailed you back right away, wanting to set up another date for the weekend, eager to see you again. You left the email sitting in your inbox, uncertain of how to gently let him down.

While rejection can be hard, it's a necessary part of online dating. Just be considerate and treat your matches with respect. You have to remember, this isn't a break-up. This is someone you just met, so there are no emotional ties to consider. And think about this: if someone you just met wasn't interested in you, wouldn't you rather know quickly so you could move on?

My suggestion: if someone took the time to read your profile and send you a thoughtful email, it's a good idea to respond. And if you've already been on a first date I think it's necessary. Keep your response brief and polite: "Thank you for your email/ it was nice to meet you, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck with your search." You don't have to respond with more information than that, or an apology, or an excuse for why you feel this way. You don't want to leave the door open for conversation.

Remember, try not to take online dating so personally. It's a way to meet new people, but it doesn't mean that you'll click, get along with, or even understand most of the people you meet. Rejection is part of the process, so remember to let your dates know how you feel (firmly but kindly). Also, don't get down on yourself if someone else rejects you. It's not a reflection of who you are, it's that you didn't click with a particular person. Take heart and move on.