Relationships

You walked down the aisle with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, only to find yourself single years later. Moving on to a new life takes a lot of courage, but you want to build a life with someone new. Dating can be an overwhelming prospect. Where do you even begin?

There are so many ways to meet people - including online dating. But if you've never done it, maybe to you it seems like taking out an embarrassing personals ad. But it doesn't have to be. The majority of single people meet others through online dating sites. In fact, it's one of the biggest online industries out there, with more and more sites popping up each week - and more subscribers every day looking to meet people like you.

I've put together some tips to help you ease in to the online dating experience if you've been out of the dating scene for a while. The main thing to remember is, take your time. There's no rush, and it gets easier the more you do it.

Start with research. Since there are so many websites out there, how do you know which one to choose? Chances are, you'll like some formats better than others but this is after you've tried them out for a while. Most sites offer free trial periods so you can check them out with no obligation. The key thing to determine first is: are there any non-negotiables for you? For instance, do you only want to date people of a certain religion, age, political persuasion, or anything else that might be important to you? There are niche sites for these specific parameters. On the other hand, if you are open to meet many different types of people, you may want to try some of the larger, more popular sites like Match.com.

Don't overshare. There's no need to divulge all the details of your divorce or past relationship in your profile or over email messages with your matches. Think of dating like forming a new friendship. You're getting to know each other to see if you'll enjoy each other's company. Focus on the present - what you want, how you envision your life, and who you are.

Be safe. If you're on Facebook or Twitter, don't friend your dates until you've started going out with one on a regular basis. People you meet online don't need access to such personal information, especially when you don't know if you'll continue to date. Arrange to meet in a public place for the first few dates; don't agree to be picked up. Let a friend know where you are. These are some basic safety rules for online dating worth mentioning, because it's better to keep yourself out of harm's way when you're meeting someone new.

Have fun. Dating isn't a chore, it's a way to meet people and try out new places together. If there's a museum exhibit you'd like to see or a restaurant you'd like to try, invite a date out with you. Have a friend check your profile to help with your photos or descriptions of yourself. Most importantly, take your time and focus on meeting people and enjoying yourself rather than the end result.

Happy dating!

Everyone knows they need to have a picture, preferably several, for their online dating profile. The question is, how do we go about obtaining them? The simplest, easiest way would be a self-taken photo in a mirror or using a web cam; unfortunately, those are often the most boring, least appealing, and poor-quality.

Ideally, you have a friend who’s a budding photographer and who loves to snap candids. Photos while you’re out on the town! Photos while you’re hanging out on the park! Photos where you’re holding the door open for a nice elderly couple! Someone who catches you at your best, who finds moments that define “you,” and who happens to grab all-photogenic angles, of course. Sadly, most of us don’t have that friend - or maybe you’re the budding photographer, and you have great shots of other people and none of yourself.

Since we can’t always have the ideal situation, we have to make lemonade where we can. First of all, maybe it’s not the most natural, but next time you’re hanging out with your friends, hand them a camera and ask them to get some candid snapshots of you. Yes, you might feel a little self-conscious at first, but at least you’re trying to achieve something more natural than standing in the bathroom mirror. Your friends might not always get the best shots, but often a photo with some energy, with a natural laugh, for instance, is more appealing than one that gets just the right angle. Our brains will naturally compare against the other photos you include and we’ll realize you don’t really have that many chins normally. Meanwhile, we’re getting to see a less-posed side of you.

Try to resist going for the candids that are more than two or three years old - chances are you look different enough by now that it’s going to raise eyebrows. If it’s some excellent, unrepeatable shot - you’re scaling the side of a mountain, say - go ahead and include it, but make sure you make note of the date. Full honesty will get you further in the long run than lies of omission.

Chances are, even under the best circumstances, you aren’t going to have enough candids, and you’re going to want to use self-photography to pad out your profile. This is understandable; however, if there’s one rule you keep in mind, it’s smile with your eyes! Smiling with your entire face is preferable, but for some that only makes them feel more self-conscious. Still, make sure there’s at least a little twinkle going on, or else your photo is more likely to conjure up mug shots or the latest zombie movie. A good trick is to put a comedy on the background, something that genuinely makes you smile.

Just remember: when you’re choosing photos to use on your profile, you’re not looking for the photo where all of your features objectively look the best. That might be a nice bonus, but what you really want are photos that show personality: that sassy smile, that full-bodied laugh, that mischievous grin. Your sense of adventure, or your shy wit. Bear these pointers in mind, and perhaps even without a lot of material to choose from, you’ll wind up with a profile that shows who you are, rather than simply what you look like.

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There are some risks in online dating. For one thing, you don't have mutual friends who can vouch for one of your matches. So you have to rely on a person's profile, your communication over email or phone, and let's face it - a little online background checking - before you agree to meet in person.

Let's say you start with the basics and Google or Facebook his name. This can provide a lot of telling information - including whether or not he's been honest in his profile about his relationship status. (A girlfriend of mine found out via Google one of her online matches was actually engaged to someone else - pictures of him with his bride-to-be were posted on their wedding website.)

If a person chooses to reveal information over social networks like LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, or other sites, then it's only fair that they expect their potential dates will do a little snooping. But what if you approach all of your dates fearing you'll discover they are dishonest or that they will somehow take advantage of you? After all, you've been hurt in the past. It's entirely possible it could happen again, so you want to find out who you're dealing with.

But sometimes snooping can go too far. What if you feel compelled to scroll through the text messages on their phones while they are in the restroom, or search through their emails? When does some harmless background check cross the line into unhealthy relationship behavior?

If you prefer to do a little snooping to make sure your dates are being forthcoming, you may want to consider the following:

What are your intentions? If you've been hurt before, it's possible that you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt again. Know yourself well enough to acknowledge the unease you may be feeling and where it comes from. If you can have an honest conversation with your date instead of sneaking around trying to catch him being untrustworthy, you will have better success at building a relationship based in trust.

What are your own boundaries? If your date turned the table on you and started checking your text messages or emails, would you be upset? Would you be able to trust her, or feel secure in a new relationship? It's important to know where your own boundaries are and what you're willing to share - and not assume the other person will be ok with a little too much snooping.

Have that difficult conversation. Maybe you're afraid to confront your date about the suspicions nagging you, so you sneak around trying to collect information. Would you feel comfortable going forward with a relationship under these circumstances? Likely not. So the best course of action is to be direct and ask the uncomfortable questions, so that you can have a real conversation about what's bothering you. Being open and honest about how you feel is the only way to build a good relationship.

Jack, a friend, tells me: “I’ve been trying out online dating for a few months or so, and it’s going pretty well. I’ve had a few dates, which were nice, though there wasn’t any real chemistry. Here’s my main problem: Obviously chemistry is a real issue that you can’t predict through writing alone. However, most women I’ve talked to want to email back and forth for weeks before meeting in person. Since we won’t really know how we feel until we meet, isn’t this wasting time? How can I say I want to meet in person without sounding like a jerk?”

Jack makes a good point: in online dating, we constantly walk a fine line between using the Internet to facilitate in-person meetings, and developing entire relationships “online.” On the one hand, we want to use email to weed out the people for whom we’re obviously not suited; on the other hand, the real test of compatibility will come when we meet in person regardless of the number of emails sent, so perhaps it’s best that we don’t get too invested beforehand.

There are reasons some may cling to emailing a little longer than most. Perhaps they haven’t had the best first-date experiences, and the memories have made them a little gun shy. Perhaps they’ve been told that online dating is somehow less safe than other ways of meeting, and fear is making them overly cautious. Perhaps they consider themselves shy or awkward in person, and better able to express themselves in writing; they’re attempting to reveal their “real” self before that first in-person meeting.

That being said, it is true that meeting in person is where the ultimate test of chemistry and compatibility occurs. If you’d like to move things along, try gently stating on your profile or in email that you’re better at expressing yourself and reading people in person, so you’re likely to want to meet up for coffee sooner than later. Remember to always phrase it positively - you love face-to-face interaction, not, “People who just like to talk and won’t meet up need not apply!” And for those who are reticent because of safety issues, remember to suggest public, safe places, to avoid appearing like you’ve got some nefarious intent.

Again, remember to walk that fine line when you’e contacting new people through online dating sites. There are various reasons why they prefer online dating to more conventional methods, so it’s not always as simple as “ask for their number, then ask for a date.” It’s not uncommon to exchange two or three, or even more, emails before a first date. Perhaps a little bit of extra patience is required. On the other hand, if it becomes clear your potential match is more interested in having a pen pal than seeing if you have chemistry, perhaps it’s time to move on.

Online dating can be exciting and full of possibility. Especially when you come across a match who piques your interest. You build incredible chemistry talking over the phone, chatting online, or emailing each other with flirtatious or witty conversation. You build up an enormous amount of anticipation for your first meeting, maybe even imagining walking down the aisle or taking romantic getaways together.

But then you meet for drinks and within five minutes, you realize that the chemistry you'd built online doesn't really hold up in person. You're not attracted to him. In fact, you want the date to end, and you're upset that you let yourself get carried away with your fantasies. You may wonder what went wrong - or why this person isn't all you thought they would be after so many emails, phone calls, and excited conversations.

What happened?

It's pretty typical to feel connected to someone emotionally after exchanging flirtatious text messages, emails, and phone calls. But the problem is, we aren't really getting to know them. We have a false sense of security with virtual communication. We just think we "get" who they really are, and we feel attracted. The real test of chemistry however, is when you meet in person. And really getting to know someone takes time.

I'm not suggesting that you should feel fireworks right away or call the whole thing off. But I am suggesting that many daters tend to fantasize about these dates they haven't met, based on their virtual connection. And they spend more time than they should texting, emailing, or calling when they should spend time together in person. They end up investing their emotions in something that may not pan out.

So instead of dragging out the virtual communication, plan to meet for a coffee with your match sooner rather than later. Some sites like eHarmony require a certain amount of online communication first which I don't think is such a great method, but most sites allow you to communicate with others pretty quickly.

The quicker you meet a potential match, the less time and emotional energy you spend building up a mental image of who you want them to be. For me, it was so much more disappointing to meet someone and have it not work out after I'd build such great virtual chemistry. I saved myself a lot of time and energy when I started bypassing the emails and just asked men out. They also seemed to appreciate it. I had better dates since I wasn't so caught up with my own expectations. I could truly enjoy myself.

It's easy to confuse real love with infatuation. After all, in the first heady days of romance, you feel like you can walk on air. Your boyfriend/ girlfriend is perfect for you in every way. What's not to love about that? But once it fades and you're left with warm feelings instead of instant fireworks, does that mean you've fallen out of love? Or is there something else going on?

Unfortunately, most daters are quick to judge a relationship based on instant chemistry, and then wonder what happens down the road when the romance isn't so charged and things don't go quite the way they planned. The truth is, falling in love is different from physical attraction or even chemistry. It's about something deeper than that - something that holds on even if you no longer feel the intense passion.

But we're told from the time we're young that there is a Prince Charming, a perfect partner out there just for us. And so - whether we realize it or not - we bring these beliefs with us into our adult lives, believing we deserve and will find the Prince Charming who carries all of these wonderful qualities, with no faults or baggage of his own. This creates a problem - we're constantly comparing the real men we date with the ideal in our minds that is not realistic. After all, you aren't Cinderella either. How can you expect perfection and endless romance from anyone else? Eventually you realize that you don't have that amazing chemistry anymore, and he's not as attractive or charming or wonderful as you thought. So you think you're not really in love or you haven't met the right one. But this isn't necessarily the case.

And if you follow your passion, moving on from one romance to the next as soon as your current love fizzles? This is not an effective search for real love. Passion and romance are only the precursors to a deeper relationship that isn't based on physical connection and chemistry, but rather a deep understanding and a mutual desire to bring out the best in each other. You have to get to a stage of recognizing your partner's faults and understanding passion ebbs and flows. If you're chasing a feeling, you're in love with that feeling, and not the person. Falling in love takes time, understanding yourself, and commitment to seeing your relationship through the more difficult times as well as the good ones.

Most importantly, real love doesn't look for happiness in someone else. Real love is understanding that you create your own happiness. Instead of thinking your partner should alleviate your pain, anger, or hurt feelings, you take responsibility for your feelings and find healthy ways of dealing with them and healing yourself. We all create our own happiness, and the best relationships take this and share it with each other.