A Date or a Pen Pal?
- Sunday, May 06 2012 @ 09:44 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 2,014
Jack, a friend, tells me: “I’ve been trying out online dating for a few months or so, and it’s going pretty well. I’ve had a few dates, which were nice, though there wasn’t any real chemistry. Here’s my main problem: Obviously chemistry is a real issue that you can’t predict through writing alone. However, most women I’ve talked to want to email back and forth for weeks before meeting in person. Since we won’t really know how we feel until we meet, isn’t this wasting time? How can I say I want to meet in person without sounding like a jerk?”
Jack makes a good point: in online dating, we constantly walk a fine line between using the Internet to facilitate in-person meetings, and developing entire relationships “online.” On the one hand, we want to use email to weed out the people for whom we’re obviously not suited; on the other hand, the real test of compatibility will come when we meet in person regardless of the number of emails sent, so perhaps it’s best that we don’t get too invested beforehand.
There are reasons some may cling to emailing a little longer than most. Perhaps they haven’t had the best first-date experiences, and the memories have made them a little gun shy. Perhaps they’ve been told that online dating is somehow less safe than other ways of meeting, and fear is making them overly cautious. Perhaps they consider themselves shy or awkward in person, and better able to express themselves in writing; they’re attempting to reveal their “real” self before that first in-person meeting.
That being said, it is true that meeting in person is where the ultimate test of chemistry and compatibility occurs. If you’d like to move things along, try gently stating on your profile or in email that you’re better at expressing yourself and reading people in person, so you’re likely to want to meet up for coffee sooner than later. Remember to always phrase it positively - you love face-to-face interaction, not, “People who just like to talk and won’t meet up need not apply!” And for those who are reticent because of safety issues, remember to suggest public, safe places, to avoid appearing like you’ve got some nefarious intent.
Again, remember to walk that fine line when you’e contacting new people through online dating sites. There are various reasons why they prefer online dating to more conventional methods, so it’s not always as simple as “ask for their number, then ask for a date.” It’s not uncommon to exchange two or three, or even more, emails before a first date. Perhaps a little bit of extra patience is required. On the other hand, if it becomes clear your potential match is more interested in having a pen pal than seeing if you have chemistry, perhaps it’s time to move on.
Jack makes a good point: in online dating, we constantly walk a fine line between using the Internet to facilitate in-person meetings, and developing entire relationships “online.” On the one hand, we want to use email to weed out the people for whom we’re obviously not suited; on the other hand, the real test of compatibility will come when we meet in person regardless of the number of emails sent, so perhaps it’s best that we don’t get too invested beforehand.
There are reasons some may cling to emailing a little longer than most. Perhaps they haven’t had the best first-date experiences, and the memories have made them a little gun shy. Perhaps they’ve been told that online dating is somehow less safe than other ways of meeting, and fear is making them overly cautious. Perhaps they consider themselves shy or awkward in person, and better able to express themselves in writing; they’re attempting to reveal their “real” self before that first in-person meeting.
That being said, it is true that meeting in person is where the ultimate test of chemistry and compatibility occurs. If you’d like to move things along, try gently stating on your profile or in email that you’re better at expressing yourself and reading people in person, so you’re likely to want to meet up for coffee sooner than later. Remember to always phrase it positively - you love face-to-face interaction, not, “People who just like to talk and won’t meet up need not apply!” And for those who are reticent because of safety issues, remember to suggest public, safe places, to avoid appearing like you’ve got some nefarious intent.
Again, remember to walk that fine line when you’e contacting new people through online dating sites. There are various reasons why they prefer online dating to more conventional methods, so it’s not always as simple as “ask for their number, then ask for a date.” It’s not uncommon to exchange two or three, or even more, emails before a first date. Perhaps a little bit of extra patience is required. On the other hand, if it becomes clear your potential match is more interested in having a pen pal than seeing if you have chemistry, perhaps it’s time to move on.
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