Relationships

In online dating, there is one trap we must be aware of so that we can avoid it: a profile is not a person.

Seems obvious, right? Of course a profile is not a person. But, even as we create our own profile, we’re sending ourselves conflicting signals. For example, our own profile is not a person, but it’s representative of one, right? We want our profile to accurately represent us, and we spend a lot of time working on it.

A profile is not a person, but the matchmaking algorithms on dating sites essentially treat it as so; they’re matching profiles, not people. They’re telling you that the person, represented by the profile, would be a great match for you (as represented by your profile). Ow, my head is beginning to hurt.

So a profile is not really a person, merely a stand-in for one, but for all intents and purposes they’re one and the same, right? Why is it important to think otherwise?

Because it’s easy to get infatuated with a profile, even easier than becoming infatuated with a person. Think about people you see every day, or even celebrities. Chances are, you can think of plenty of people you find physically attractive, or intellectually interesting. You aren’t infatuated with them, though, because there’s plenty of other input that balances it out - maybe the attractive person is vapid and self-absorbed, or the intellectually intriguing person is simply not your type. They might be appealing on paper, but they require something extra before you’re really interested (and that’s not even getting into issues of chemistry and mutual attraction).

With a profile, however, you don’t have any of that extra information; you only have what’s on the screen in front of you. So your brain fills it in, usually with something appealing.

The result? You’re nervous before you even send your first email, and you’re devastated when the reply isn’t what you want to hear. You’ve spent weeks’ worth of energy over something that you wouldn’t even have felt if you’d spent two minutes with them in person.

So when you’re perusing profiles, remember to keep your eye on the ball. You’re not looking to find the most attractive or interesting person on paper; you’re looking to find someone who seems like they’d be a good match, and then meet them in person to find out for sure. You’re looking to fall in love - but with a compatible person, not a profile.

Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth, so why not apply this to your dating life? If you've let your online dating subscriptions go or have become a bit of a dating recluse, now's the time to turn things around.

Following are some tips to restart and refresh your love life:

Open your mind. While your old dating life might have left you a little worse for the wear, you have a chance to start anew - so start with a change in attitude! Accept invitations to go out, even if you feel uncertain about a guy. Respond to emails. Approach every date with a new perspective and don't make assumptions. A way to assist: try meeting your dates in new places that you've wanted to try, or by doing an activity together like walking dogs or biking. Mixing things up adds an element of surprise and fun to any date. You'll find this will open the conversation up more than usual so you won't have to ask the same old questions.

Get focused. Dating is a numbers game, and it isn't always easy to meet someone special. So it's necessary to put some time into it - much like your exercise regime or finding a great job. It takes concentrated effort, so log on to your dating sites every day, respond to emails, and change your profile on a regular basis to keep things fresh and to keep generating new matches. Aren't all good things worth the effort?

Freshen up your profiles. online dating and Facebook. Like cleaning out your closets, freshening up your online presence can make you feel like a new woman (or man). Need help? Ask a friend to look over your description or take some new photos. (And take down the drunken Facebook photos from a friend's bachelor party.) Putting your best online self forward will do wonders in attracting others.

Have fun! Sometimes we forget that dating is supposed to be fun. After all, when you're single you're likely more socially active than any of your married counterparts, spending your evenings getting together with friends or going on dates. So enjoy yourself and take advantage of this particular freedom. It's the best time in your life to try new places and meet new people without feeling guilty or checking in with someone else. Enjoy!

Get away. Sometimes we all need a little break to reinvigorate the spirit. For me, traveling was a necessary part of jump-starting my dating life, especially after a break-up. When I was exploring a new place, I was more open to adventure and possibility. So take a day trip to go hiking or a weekend away with the girls. Getting away from a routine and seeing a new place is a good mental readjustment for all of us.

If you’ve been in the world of online dating for any length of time, you’ve probably heard The Question. It might come from a friend who’s contemplating creating their own dating profile, or it might come from a cynical co-worker. Regardless of intent, the content is almost always the same: “So, does online dating really work?”

Giving an answer can be more complicated than you’d expect. Do you say it does work, if you’re not currently in a relationship? What if you were in a relationship for awhile but it ultimately doesn’t last forever? Do you decide success is a marriage, when there’s no guarantee that will last forever, either?

The fact of the matter is, there’s no magical finish line you can cross and declare, “Yep, I don’t need to worry about relationships ever again.” Even a good relationship requires a little maintenance. Beyond that, there are relationships that work for a specific time in a specific couple’s lives, meeting specific needs. If those needs change, do we discount the happiness that was had?

So when you’re asked whether online dating works - or if you’re asking yourself that same question - don’t get hung up on whether you feel like you’ve been provided a Happily Ever After. Instead, ask yourself a few questions: Are you getting more exposure to new people than you were before? Are you interacting with more people or going on more dates? Are you learning what you really need and want from a relationship, and what compatibility really means to you?

If you can answer affirmatively to most or all of those questions, it seems like you’re well on your way to finding a good match for yourself - and at the very least, further on in your journey than you would be otherwise. And what is that, if not success?

Wake up. Log on. Browse profiles. Read messages. Write and respond to a few. Chat with a potential date on AIM. Call another potential date for the requisite "get to know you" chat. Gently let down last week's date via text. Log off. Go about your day. Go to sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

Put that way, it sounds pretty boring, doesn't it? Once the sheen of a new online dating profile wears off, the actual process of trying to meet someone on the Internet can get more than a little monotonous. In fact, it can get downright discouraging.

Online dating fatigue sets in when you're sick of sending message after message and going on one dead-end date after another. No inbox to check...no awkward pre-date phone calls...no meetings with people who looking nothing like their profile pictures...it all starts sounding like a dream come true, and before you know it, you're ready to throw in the online dating towel for good.

Hold up. Before you log off for the last time and give up on online dating altogether, consider taking a break and recharging your cyberdating batteries. Online dating fatigue is a treatable affliction. Here's how to switch up your routine and beat the burnout:

• Call in sick. Life goes on if you don't log on every day. Take a vacation from online dating - read a book, catch up on your Netflix cue, meet friends for drinks. Fill your days with something other than browsing profiles, and consider making the break a regular habit. Set up no-dating days at regular intervals (every 3 days, 5 days, 14 days, etc.).
• Try a new approach. Mix things up. Do you normally wait to receive messages from other people? Start initiating contact. Is your profile picture several years old? Upload a new photo. Have you had the exact same profile since you joined the site? Refresh it with some new text that reflects who you are now.
• Remember that dating is supposed to be fun. Don't take it all so seriously. Sure, it can be frustrating at times, but once you let go of the pressure, expectations, and need to control, you can recapture the joy that dating is supposed to be about. Online dating should be a part of your life - not your whole life. Once it feels like you're forcing yourself to do it, it's time to take a break.
• Explore other options. There's a whole wide world beyond your computer screen, so why not reacquaint yourself with it? Revisit your social life, take up a new hobby, pursue a passion. Work towards a goal. Take a class. Learn a lesson. And try out other ways of dating that you may have forgotten about, like volunteering, speed dating, and good old-fashioned nights on the town.

We've all be there...

At first, the relationship is great. That figurative spark is burning so bright that you're in danger of setting off smoke alarms whenever you're together. You're spending almost every waking moment together, and in the moments when you're apart, all you're doing is thinking about each other. Everything is bliss.

But then...over time...that initial chemistry starts to wane. The relationship needs work, and the two options are to jump ship and set sail on a different voyage, or stick it out and put in the work to take things to the next level. For those choosing the latter course, the next step is to deepen intimacy in the relationship. Staying connected to a significant other isn't something that happens by accident - a lasting relationship is the result of dedicated effort by both partners. Connecting with your partner emotionally and mentally, and deepening that connection over time, is the key to a successful relationship. Here are 10 tips that foster intimacy and keep that spark alive:

1. Play for the same team. Make your relationship a real partnership. Build something beautiful together, and make it clear that you will support each other even if you're up against the world.
2. Make it mutual. Relationships require give and take. Cooperate, reciprocate, and compromise. Cultivate positive energy through generous actions.
3. Be your partner's safe zone. Create a safe space in which your partner feels free to express themselves and share intimate thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or repercussions.
4. Meet in the middle. Cooperation builds companionship. Take each other's passions for a test drive. Share hobbies. Explore common interests.
5. Keep your ego in check. Sometimes you'll be wrong...but so what? We can't all be right, all the time. Put your pride aside and learn to admit when you've made a mistake or owe someone an apology.
6. Reminisce together. Hit the rewind button and look back on the good times. Remembering what makes your relationship so special will deepen the bond you have in the present.
7. Listen without judgment. Hearing what your partner says is one thing...listening to what your partner says is another. Listen fully - both for what is said and what is not said - and without judgment. Practice empathy and compassion. Unconditional love is the foundation of every strong relationship.
8. Make laughter a priority. Find the fun in everything. Seek joy on a daily basis. Laugh at the little things.
9. Get to the heart of the matter. Arguments are often about superficial things that keep the real issues from coming to the forefront. Try to pinpoint and address the real reasons behind an argument, instead of getting caught up in distracting and irrelevant details.
10. Be a one-man cheerleading team. Few things make us feel closer to someone than knowing that we have their full support. Be a constant source of enthusiasm, encouragement, and acknowledgment. Celebrate them every way you can.

The Vancouver Observer took on online dating this month, sharing the ups and downs of several singles who tried their luck on dating sites.

Like many who try online dating, Marianne Gagnon-Sirianni was ready to give up after receiving nothing but inappropriate emails from "suitors" on Plenty Of Fish. But just as she prepared to log off for good, she received a message that caught her eye and, four years later, she married the man who sent it.

Though her beginnings were rocky, Gagnon-Sirianni is now a major supporter of online dating. "Would you rather compete with a room full of single girls, all after the same goal of finding a good guy at a bar, or form a personal connection with someone through one on one email conversations?" she said to the Observer. "Online dating gives you the opportunity to spend weeks getting to know each other on an intimate level before even meeting," she added. "I was able to ensure that the person I was speaking with was the right person for me, and worth going on a date with."

Gagnon-Sirianni isn't the only dater to sing the praises of finding love online. Rebecca Liu, a member of Match.com, turned to online dating when she had difficulty meeting people face-to-face. She felt more comfortable in a world where the threat of rejection is greatly lessened. Another dater joined a dating site after relocating to a new city, hoping to make new friends and - perhaps - a romantic connection.

Despite the massive number of success stories, many still have reservations about online dating. They fear the stigma attached to it, and worry about the potential dangers of meeting strangers online. "There are cases where people only put information in their profiles that they feel other people find desirable, even if it is entirely inaccurate," Liu said, recalling an experience with a date who was still legally married.

But just about everything has its ups and downs, and the world of online dating is increasingly filled with ups. "Life is busy," said Matt Wilson. "People have different schedules, live in different areas and hang out in different places. Dating online is refreshing because it gives you an avenue to meet people outside your daily routines."

Why not give it a try? You might be one of the lucky ones.