Relationships

When you’re ready to be in a relationship, anyone is a potential partner - not just the profiles you peruse online, but the people you see in the grocery store, or at the movie theater, or the post office. You never know where or when you might meet someone who’s great for you, so it’s not uncommon for part of your brain to be on the alert all the time.

Understandably, your brain might have some issues adjusting when you do begin dating someone new. When part of your brain has been on red (love) alert for some time, how do you turn it off?

For some, it doesn’t just happen automatically. It’s not like a hotel room, where you can easily flip the “Do Not Disturb” sign when you feel like it. We’re creatures of habit. However, that doesn’t mean we should be a slave to our habits or our instincts! To a certain degree, we retrain our brains consciously - by ignoring that little voice that points out the person next to us in line isn’t wearing a wedding ring, or that the cute barista is probably flirting with us. Eventually, our radar cools down.

However, there’s something else to remember: just because you might not be actively looking doesn’t mean you’ll become blind. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with noticing someone attractive. There’s not even anything wrong with appreciating someone attractive (subtly, to yourself).

Remember: attraction isn’t just about some animal portion of our brains. Instead of worrying about stifling parts of our brains, an easier way is to focus on what we do have control over: choice. We choose to be with our partners. We’re not “meant to be,” and there are probably movie stars who are objectively more attractive. But you choose to be together. Focus on that, and your worries about shutting down the part of your brain that’s on the lookout for anyone available will likely fade away.

Day Seven of YourTango's online dating bootcamp focuses on everyone's favorite subject: the first date. First dates are nerve-wracking for just about everyone, and if you don't feel at least the tiniest bit nervous about meeting someone for the first time, you may want to put two fingers to your wrist and check your pulse.

The pressure can be a little overwhelming, but dating experts Jenn Burton and Dina Colada are here to help. Here are their top tips 20 for flawless first dates:

1. Safety first. Meet in public, take your own car, and be sure a friend knows where you are. For maximum safety, Burton also suggests giving a friend your date's phone number and email address.
2. Be yourself. Don't leave all the decisions up to your date. Speak your mind about what you'd like to do and where you'd like to go - your date will appreciate that you've taking some of the pressure off of them, and they'll get a few more clues about who you are.
3. Do something fun. The first reason is obvious: the likelihood of him wanting a second date correlates directly with how much fun he has with you. The second reason is a little less obvious: he wants to know what gets you excited. Try to replace traditional dinner-and-a-movie dates with activity dates, like a concert or a sporting event, that ease tension, encourage conversation, and give you a little more insight into each other.
4. Wear something comfortable. The hottest outfits are the ones that make you feel comfortable and beautiful. Real sexiness comes from wearing clothing that fits and flatters, not from wearing the latest trend or the skimpiest clothing possible.
5. Be positive. Not every first date will kick off with instant chemistry, but that doesn't mean that chemistry won't come at all. Sometimes it takes time, so wait until the date is over before casting your Simon Cowell-like judgment on your date. "Chemistry is more likely to develop when you quit obsessing over everything you think is wrong with him and find out what is right," says Burton.
6. Don't forget to flirt. I know you're nervous, but don't let those nerves get the better of you. Being playful and fun are two major pluses on a first date. A little teasing and a little banter go a long way.
7. Don't reveal too much too fast. If the relationship works out, you've got an entire lifetime to get to know your date, so take things slowly. There's no need to lay all your cards on the table right away.

There's more where that came from...stay tuned for the rest of Jenn and Dina's tips for flawless first dates.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcampe: Day Six

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Seven (Part II)

It’s not a surprise to anyone that people join online dating sites for different reasons. Indeed, everyone in the dating pool is there due to their own unique circumstance, with their own unique experiences. Though the fact may be obvious, rarely do we think about its ramifications, its impact upon our potential relationships. For example, when starting a new relationship, exactly how quickly should it progress into something serious, without “moving too fast”?

The answer is simply, “as quickly as both members of the couple are comfortable.” Consider someone who’s never been in a serious relationship, or maybe never a physically intimate one. They might have added reservations - or they might not. Many factors can influence the psychology of someone beginning a new relationship: the circumstances of the end of their last relationship, how recently they were involved with someone else, their general level of experience, their social or religious expectations.

Then remember that no one exists in a bubble; they’re certainly affected by their new partner, too. Maybe they’ve never been so physically attracted, and want to move more quickly. Maybe they’ve never felt such strong emotions, and they want to slow down and enjoy them. Some couples will instantly click, fall “madly in love” and get married within months or even weeks. Of course, some of those relationships burn out just as quickly, too, but others endure.

The validity or strength of a relationship isn’t dependent on how quickly you get to “the finish line,” whatever that may be for you. There’s nothing wrong with taking things slowly; there’s also nothing wrong with getting physical the first night. Each couple is comprised of two unique individuals, and together you forge your own story, your own timeline.

So as you begin your next relationship, don’t worry about outside opinion or your own expectations. Are you and your partner happy and comfortable? If you are, then relax, and enjoy watching your story unfold.

So you've met someone online who tickles your fancy, but you're unsure of how to proceed. Enter Janet Ong, the expert in charge of Day Six of YourTango's online dating bootcamp, who shares ten do's and don'ts of communicating with a potential paramour via email, text, phone, and instant message. Here's how to make sure everything goes smoothly before the first date:

1. DO be yourself. The only way to build a real connection with someone is to be authentic. You don't want them to fall for someone who isn't really you, just like you wouldn't want to fall for someone only to find out that they're a completely different person offline. Letting your guard down invites someone else to do the same, and shows you in an attractive, confident light.
2. DO keep an open mind. Be a little adventurous when it comes to choosing an activity for your first date. If they suggest something you've never done before, give it a try! A willingness to explore and step out of your comfort zone is sexy.
3. DO keep things light. Life is hard enough...why make dating hard, too? Stay away from serious or controversial subjects, and stick to the things that make life fun.
4. DO be interesting. The key to keeping someone interested is having multiple dimensions to your personality. Pursue hobbies, learn new things, and live your life as fully as possible. The more you love your life, the more interesting your life will be to other people (and the more things you'll have to talk about).
5. DO listen carefully. I know you love talking about yourself, but don't forget to hit the pause button and spend some time listening. When you put the focus on your date, and remember the things they share with you, you show a genuine interest in getting to know them that will make them feel heard and appreciated.
6. DON'T reveal too much. Your medical history and your relationship history are off limits. There will be plenty of time to get more personal after you've been on several dates, but for now steer clear of anything negative.
7. DON'T be judgmental. Listen and respond with respect at all times, even if you don't agree with your date's point of view. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
8. DON'T overanalyze. Don't search for the hidden meaning in everything your date says or writes. "When you form preconceived notions, you may miss out on a potentially good partner," says Ong. "Instead of being so quick to write him off, take the time to get to know him instead. After all, many people come across better in person."
9. DON'T rush things. Contacting someone too often reeks of desperation and neediness. If you're concerned about how much is too much, let your date initiate communication and respond in a timely fashion.
10. DON'T let your past derail your present. Comparing your new date to dates past hurts more than it helps. Real communication only happens when you aren't stuck on comparisons and creating barriers to getting to know each other. It's staying in the present that really determines your future.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Five

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Seven

One human trait that seems to have gone missing in recent years is patience. Most of us are used to instant gratification: we can put an item we want now on a credit card to pay back at a later date, we text instead of leaving a message or calling, and we live our lives at such a fast pace we barely have time to stop and think. This isn't a good thing when it comes to relationships.

Relationships take time, practice, and a lot of patience. Not to mention persistence. They are not easily come by, and they don't always fall into place. We have to work at them, namely by working on ourselves. We have to endure heartbreak as well as the heady feelings of falling in love. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. We take risks, and some of them don't always pan out.

As I see it, romantic relationships are a process. We make mistakes, especially in the beginning, because we need to learn more about ourselves and other people. We learn where our weaknesses are, and where we have to rise to the occasion. We learn where we're vulnerable. These lessons don't happen overnight, but along the way over several years.

And while you might be thinking, "I've dated a really long time. I'm tired of being alone. I'm ready to meet someone now," relationships usually aren't ordered on demand. While your timing might be sooner rather than later, you're missing out by not being in the present and being more aware of the people who are in your life now.

When online dating, it's easy to fall into traps. You might scroll hurriedly through profiles, dismissing someone because he doesn't have hair or she looks a little overweight. But that's not going to get you to your destination faster. Instead of dismissing your dates or matches quickly based on a five-second assessment, try talking to them, meeting them for coffee, and really taking the time to get to know them. Practice your dating technique, your listening skills. Learn about your date, and you'll probably discover more about who you are - and what you do and don't want in a relationship.

I'm a big advocate for having patience when it comes to most things in life. When things come too easily, we can take them for granted. When we've made a real effort and understood ourselves more along the way, opportunities are usually much more rewarding. It is this way with relationships - they are worth the effort.

When we're in our early twenties, we women can make a lot of bad decisions - especially when it comes to guys. But some of us continue to make these same relationship mistakes well past an age of knowing better, simply because we've grown accustomed to some bad habits.

Following are some red flags to watch out for when you go on your next date or are thinking of moving forward in a relationship. It's not always easy to tell when a man is emotionally or otherwise unavailable, but if you could, it saves months or years worth of heartache. How we choose our romantic relationships can show us where we might be headed in the wrong direction.

He's married/ in a relationship. It seems obvious, but don't a lot of us long for the man we can't have, the thing that is unattainable? Despite your growing attraction for a married man or his laments about how terrible his marriage is, your not doing either of you a favor by seeing him. It only leads to heartache, for everyone involved.

He keeps you at a distance. He's charming, romantic, and sexy when you're in a room together, but getting together is as difficult a prospect as climbing Mt. Everest with his crazy work and travel schedule. Don't fall for his over-worked life - a man will make time for a woman if he's really interested, no matter how busy he is. If he doesn't return your calls promptly and makes time for you only when it's convenient for him, this is a red flag and you're better off cutting things off so you can pursue someone who looks forward to your calls - and values you.

He's casual about everything. Instead of making you dinner or taking you out, he prefers calling you at ten in the evening to come over and "hang out." He doesn't want to have a conversation about your relationship, or maybe you're afraid to bring it up because you know that he would bristle. If he's not man enough to have a conversation after you've been seeing each other for a while, then this is a red flag and you should ask yourself if you're willing to settle for a relationship on his terms.

He's still hung up on his ex. This is another tough one. Maybe he showers you with affection or needs you in a way that makes you feel loved. But then he spends a lot of time dissecting past relationships or talking wistfully about the way things were with someone else. If you find yourself consoling more than being pursued, then you may want to step back and give him the time he needs to heal and move on - as well as the freedom and love you deserve.