Relationships

Recently I had a question from a single dad. “The last time I was on the dating market was ages ago, before I was married, and had children. I know I’m ready to date, but I’ve been told by friends that one of the biggest hindrances is going to be my children - that I should downplay how much time I spend with them. Is this true?”

First of all, I don’t think this is true. Even if it is, though, let’s analyze what this means. First, let’s think about the people that would shun you for having children, and are more interested if they have no presence in your life.

Granted, age can make a bit of a difference - most 21-year-olds aren’t expecting to date someone with three children, and might not be ready for such responsibility. However, if someone is in their late 20s, 30s or beyond, it’s a little unrealistic for them to have any demands or expectations on what shape your life has taken so far. If they’re worried that your children will eventually put a crimp in their style, they probably aren’t the right one for you.

Now let’s consider the sort of person who has no problem with the fact that you have children, or even has children themselves. First, they fully understand the commitment and love a parent has for their child. They might be less quick to think that they’re in “competition” with your children. They might be more on the “same page” when it comes to where they are in life, which bodes well for long-term relationships. And rather than viewing your children as an occasional hindrance, they’ll probably love and respect you for being proud about their place in your life.

Finding someone new when you have children is always a bit of a tightrope walk - you want your relationship to progress organically, but you’re also concerned about the comfort and safety of your child. That’s complicated enough without thinking you should be ashamed of your children, or be downplaying them. Even if it takes a little longer to find the right person (and there’s no guarantee it will), it will be worth the wait to find a new love who’s right for you.

For me, the most nerve-wracking part of a date is thinking about it before it even starts. I used to wonder what each new guy would think of me, what I would say, what he'd be like. When I finally met him, usually things fell into place and it wasn't so scary.

To save you some of this angst that I felt, I've created a list to help you prepare - mentally and physically - before that next date. It's good to be prepared, because you never know when the right one will come along - and don't you want to feel ready?

Dress for success. Ok, this may seem like a no-brainer, but lots of people neglect it. Don't show up in jeans and flip flops, even if you want the person to see the "real you." Look your best and dress up a little more than you do on a day-to-day basis. First impressions are key so don't assume they don't matter.

Allow for traffic. I live in L.A., so driving was a main point of consideration for any date. I picked places that were halfway between where each of us lived, so nobody felt they had to drive too far. And I added an extra 15-20 minutes onto my commute to allow for traffic, especially after work. I didn't want to arrive late and stressed out.

Google your date. I'm all for doing a little research before you agree to meet in person. Sometimes you can find out good information, like if someone is married or an ex-con. You can't be too careful when you're dating online.

Take a few breaths - relax! If you're feeling the pressure, take some deep breaths. Tense all your muscles for a few seconds and then relax them. This will physically help remove stress from your body.

Pick a familiar place to meet. If you tend to get nervous in new situations, it's good to have some familiarity on a date. Pick a place you know and like to be, or choose an activity that you like such as biking or walking dogs. Sometimes doing an activity together takes the pressure off of sitting across a table from one another trying to come up with conversation topics.

Remember, this is only a date. This is not the time to overthink things - try your best to just have fun and enjoy the date. Save the play-by-play analysis for other parts of your life.

If it's a first date, make it short. Keep it to a coffee date or something similarly brief if you've never met. Remember, you can always stick around if you're both having a good time. (Or better yet, ask her out again.)

Most importantly - enjoy!

We hear the phrase often - “the perfect match.” Some people take it literally, and try to look for someone who is actually perfect. It’s easy for most to see that this approach is misguided - nobody’s perfect. Still, even those who aren’t looking for the objectively perfect person might still be unrealistic in their expectations.

A better way to describe the one we look for might be, “The perfect match for me.” Still, that phrase can mean many different things, depending on who’s saying it. For example, I’ve encountered people who think that when they meet the “right one” for them, that person will have flaws, sure - but that they won’t actually be bothered by them! They’ll take the propensity to leave the toothpaste cap off with a smile, or their chainsaw snoring or busybody tendencies will be “cute.”

The simple fact is, when we say “nobody’s perfect” we mean “no one makes you happy one hundred percent of the time.” There are absolutely moments in every happy relationship where you grit your teeth or complain to one another. There are moments when you feel annoyed, when you argue, when you’re glad your home has more than one room so you can be in a separate one. To hold out for someone who does not bug you in the slightest is being irrational. And even if you find someone you think is truly perfect, if you’re honest with yourself you can identify a few less-than-ideal moments. And that’s okay.

Finding the right match for you doesn’t mean finding someone you find perfect; it means finding someone whose good traits greatly outweigh the bad, in both quantity and quality. A happy relationship is worth a rolled eye or an argument once in a great while. There’s also a difference between a bad habit that you can laugh about and something you come to really resent - but often resentment of something small is a symptom of a soured relationship, not a cause. Most importantly, in a good relationship, even when you have your darker moments you can communicate and pull through into the sun together.

So as you peruse profiles and go on dates, don’t expect perfection. Look for someone you enjoy, with whom you have chemistry, and with whom you can communicate. In a long-term relationship, you’ll find something to be annoyed with eventually - and your partner will find things about you that they find annoying! It’s how you handle it together that matters.

With online dating websites, and the internet in general, it’s increasingly easy to find someone with whom you share chemistry, interests - everything but the same zip code. What to do if your most likely match is decidedly long-distance?

First, do everything you can to avoid putting yourself in that sticky situation. Before you go ahead with a ‘fantasy’ search that’s nationwide, make sure there’s not someone you’re interested in who’s a little closer to home. Sometimes a person looks better because some part of you knows it’s just a fantasy - you don’t think you’ll ever be together, so you feel more free to fill in a best-case scenario. Don’t forget that you’re looking for a partner, not just a fantasy.

But sometimes these things just happen - you strike up a friendship on a forum or some other social media network and suddenly you’re feeling more. If you think the feeling is mutual, remember one thing, first and foremost: you have to meet in person before you even entertain thoughts of love. No matter how much verbal chemistry you have, it just might not be the same in person.

Now let’s assume you’ve met in person and the chemistry is insane. Consider a few points: first, is there any hope for this relationship? Are the two of you married to your jobs, with no hope of relocating? Do you have responsibilities which mean you won’t be together in the foreseeable future, if ever? If that’s the case, you might consider ending the relationship before it begins and brings pain. Chemistry is great, but there are other people with whom you’ll share it.

Long-distance relationships are possible, but only if there’s an end game where you’re together in sight. It’s possible to be apart for a little while - and even then it can be harder than usual, with double the paranoia and trust issues - but it’s a means to an end, not an ultimate goal. And it often means taking a big gamble - moving somewhere before you’ve dated as much as other couples, for example. That doesn’t mean things won’t work out - but going into a long-distance relationship with a cool head and your eyes open may save yourself heartache in the long run.

Dating can be filled with pressure; that’s no surprise to anyone. There’s the pressure to find the “keeper” as soon as possible, and the pressure to “settle down.” There’s pressure about being the “best version” of yourself to maximize your attractiveness. There can even be pressure to be mentally healthy and happy, so that you can better identify a good match and avoid past mistakes.

With all these sources of tension - most of which are actually self-inflicted - who wants to deal with the expectations of someone outside your relationship? And yet, many of us accept these additional boundaries without question - because they come from our friends and family.

For many, it’s not just enough to find someone they love and with whom they get along well; finding someone their friends or family approve of is of equal importance. I’ve known people who have seriously considered ending an otherwise happy relationship because their significant other came from “the wrong side of the tracks” or because they thought their partner would never fit in with their family culturally.

Let’s think about why the approval of others might be so important. Perhaps their approval and respect is linked to love in the minds of some; they feel that if they aren’t making those they love “proud,” they won’t receive love. However, the fact is, often our friends and family love us unconditionally; what’s most important to them is our happiness. Anyone who makes us so happy can’t be too bad, after all. And if friends and family are really more worried about status or their own social comfort... well, they don’t have our best interests in mind, do they? So why let it affect us?

It can be terribly heartwrenching to feel like you have to choose between your new love and your friends or family. But remember: choosing someone for a long-term commitment is essentially choosing the person you may be seeing every day for the rest of your life, or with whom you even start a family. Do you really want to settle for someone who’s less of a fit? You may find that standing up for love will have better results than you expected.

When the weather warms up, it's easy to be creative when it comes to planning dates. Don't settle for the standard coffee or dinner meet-up, but instead try some fun outdoor options that offer something to do. This also helps with conversation - it doesn't feel forced when you're outside enjoying an activity together as opposed to sitting across a table from each other.

Following are some ideas for summer dating to get you inspired:

Outdoor concerts. Summer offers a lot of outdoor music - whether it's a classical concert by the lake, a local band on the pier, or a jazz performance at a neighborhood park. Depending on where you live, there are usually plenty of options (and many are free) so check out your local listings.

Outdoor movie screenings. In L.A., outdoor movie screenings are a popular event, complete with food trucks and blankets on the grass. If you're lucky to have these available in your city, you should really check them out - it gives you a chance to enjoy some classic films, as well as people-watch and share a bottle of wine and a picnic with your date.

Sailing, hiking, or biking. Choosing an activity is sometimes the hardest part of planning - but you can't really go wrong when you spend time outdoors. Try hiking or biking if your date is into it, or if you're lucky to live near a lake or the ocean, rent a boat and go boating or sailing. There are plenty of activities, depending on your tastes.

Food or wine tasting festivals. These are some of my favorite activities, because they introduce you to different foods and beverages that you might normally never try, maybe even some vineyards or restaurants in your area that you never thought to visit. Plus, they are fun to walk around and enjoy free samples. Check your local listings.

Farmer's markets. These offer a great meeting place for first dates - you can go during the day and stay for an hour or so, and if you hit it off, you can grab a few items and have a picnic in a nearby park. A much more interesting option than the coffee date, because you can sample foods and people-watch while talking and getting to know each other.

Star gazing. Looking for something to do but short on cash? A night under the stars is a great choice - just be sure to bring a bottle of wine or some appetizers or take-out to eat, plus a blanket so you can look up at the sky without craning your necks. Pick a place on a hill or slightly outside all the lights of the city. It makes for a romantic evening.