Downplay the Children?
- Wednesday, July 11 2012 @ 07:06 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,009
Recently I had a question from a single dad. “The last time I was on the dating market was ages ago, before I was married, and had children. I know I’m ready to date, but I’ve been told by friends that one of the biggest hindrances is going to be my children - that I should downplay how much time I spend with them. Is this true?”
First of all, I don’t think this is true. Even if it is, though, let’s analyze what this means. First, let’s think about the people that would shun you for having children, and are more interested if they have no presence in your life.
Granted, age can make a bit of a difference - most 21-year-olds aren’t expecting to date someone with three children, and might not be ready for such responsibility. However, if someone is in their late 20s, 30s or beyond, it’s a little unrealistic for them to have any demands or expectations on what shape your life has taken so far. If they’re worried that your children will eventually put a crimp in their style, they probably aren’t the right one for you.
Now let’s consider the sort of person who has no problem with the fact that you have children, or even has children themselves. First, they fully understand the commitment and love a parent has for their child. They might be less quick to think that they’re in “competition” with your children. They might be more on the “same page” when it comes to where they are in life, which bodes well for long-term relationships. And rather than viewing your children as an occasional hindrance, they’ll probably love and respect you for being proud about their place in your life.
Finding someone new when you have children is always a bit of a tightrope walk - you want your relationship to progress organically, but you’re also concerned about the comfort and safety of your child. That’s complicated enough without thinking you should be ashamed of your children, or be downplaying them. Even if it takes a little longer to find the right person (and there’s no guarantee it will), it will be worth the wait to find a new love who’s right for you.
First of all, I don’t think this is true. Even if it is, though, let’s analyze what this means. First, let’s think about the people that would shun you for having children, and are more interested if they have no presence in your life.
Granted, age can make a bit of a difference - most 21-year-olds aren’t expecting to date someone with three children, and might not be ready for such responsibility. However, if someone is in their late 20s, 30s or beyond, it’s a little unrealistic for them to have any demands or expectations on what shape your life has taken so far. If they’re worried that your children will eventually put a crimp in their style, they probably aren’t the right one for you.
Now let’s consider the sort of person who has no problem with the fact that you have children, or even has children themselves. First, they fully understand the commitment and love a parent has for their child. They might be less quick to think that they’re in “competition” with your children. They might be more on the “same page” when it comes to where they are in life, which bodes well for long-term relationships. And rather than viewing your children as an occasional hindrance, they’ll probably love and respect you for being proud about their place in your life.
Finding someone new when you have children is always a bit of a tightrope walk - you want your relationship to progress organically, but you’re also concerned about the comfort and safety of your child. That’s complicated enough without thinking you should be ashamed of your children, or be downplaying them. Even if it takes a little longer to find the right person (and there’s no guarantee it will), it will be worth the wait to find a new love who’s right for you.
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