Relationships

"Online dating coach" sounds like a lofty, vaunted profession, but every online dating coach has to start somewhere. In Erika case, that somewhere was as an online dater herself. She shared the story of her journey from dater to dating expert with YourTango in Day Thirteen of the online dating bootcamp.

Erika's journey began with JDate. She'd dabbled in online dating before, but never took the experiment seriously. This time around, though, things were different. She perfected her profile, chose photos wisely, and revamped e-mails until her "hit rate" - the percentage of men who responded to her initial email - was over 60%.

After more than 120 dates, on December 4, 2009, Erika met Jeremy, the man who would be her last JDate. Her success story inspired her to found a coaching company that guides daters who need a bit of extra help finding love online. Now she shares the expertise she learned on her personal journey with singles looking for an online dating success story of their own.

Here are a few of the most lessons she reveals to her clients:

• Keep your pre-date "research" to a minimum. It's pretty much impossible to resist the temptation to search a date on Google or Facebook - and it could even save you from dating a criminal - but don't go overboard. Don't form a firm impression of someone until you meet them in person.
• "Research" does NOT including friending them on Facebook. Friending a date before the actual date is never a good idea. And come to think of it, neither is friending them right after the first date. There's plenty of time for adding each other on social networks after the relationship is more established.
• Take a "Less is more" approach to photos on your profile. Match.com may allow you to upload 26 photos, but that doesn't mean you need to do it! Stick to a few that show you in your most flattering light, and save the rest for your Facebook profile.
• Have one picture that's "email bait." An email bait photo shows you doing something interesting, something that will catch a prospective date's attention and prompt them to ask you questions. Writing that first message is hard, so a little help breaking the ice goes a long way.
• Don't leave success up to fate. With all those personality tests and matching algorithms, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the dating site will do the work for you. It won't. Sure, part of love is luck, but a lot of it isn't. Most things in life that require work are worth the outcome, so take an active role in your search for love.

For more information about this Jewish dating service you can read our JDate review.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Twelve

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Fourteen

No matter how well-suited you are to your match, we all run into problems. Everyone has arguments. Still, at the beginning of a blossoming relationship, such an argument can feel especially surprising and hurtful. Things were going so well! I really thought I had feelings for this person! If we’re arguing over this, well... are really compatible?

Chances are, yes, you are; again, even the most compatible people have arguments. But communication is a skill, one that needs to be honed over time and brushed up on occasion. When people say a relationship is work, what they often mean is that communication is work. But with enough practice, even that becomes easier.

To get off on the right, communicative foot, it’s important to remember one thing: you and your partner are separate entities. You’re not the same person.

Even if you share almost all the same interests, you might not have the same reasons for enjoying them. You’ve led separate lives up ‘til this point; you are distinct beings with your own background and motivations.

The reason it’s important to remember this is because during that heady time at the beginning of a relationship, it’s not uncommon to want to be together all the time, to want to think of yourself as one entity. That’s normal too - you’re constructing a foundation, the two of you against the world. But when it comes to the long-term, everyday stuff, thinking of yourself as one being can be harmful to good communication. Maybe you make assumptions based on how you think or react. Maybe they just don’t understand why you’re upset about something, because they aren’t. In these moments, remembering you’re two, not one, can help the both of you gain perspective and cool down.

A friend, Sara, tells me this story about her husband: “He doesn’t like surprises. The first few years we were dating, I tried to get him presents or arrange surprises with our friends, because, to me, to plan something like that shows that you care. But it just got him stressed out. Years later, I still have to remind myself that he really is happier without surprised. I still don’t actually understand it, but I know that’s who he is.”

That, indeed, is the key. You might not be able to internalize and fully understand every little thing your partner does - and that’s okay. All that matters is that you respect one another to keep the lines of communication open, and accept your differences as valid. Keep that in mind, and you’re one step closer to a long-term relationship that’s less “work” and more “fun.”

Perhaps one of the hardest lessons I had to learn when it came to finding someone special was patience.

Most of my friends got married well before I did, and sometimes I wondered what was so wrong with me that I couldn't find someone as quickly as they had. I found myself waiting, and waiting. I went on numerous dates. I took advice from friends and family that was unsolicited, just because I thought it couldn't hurt. I even started hosting my own dating events because I was so determined to meet someone great.

Of course, I kept waiting and waiting, with not much of anything happening. It felt like I waited for everything in my life - the right job, a promotion at work, even driving home in L.A. traffic was a daily exercise in patience. I thought that my life was full of struggle and grief when it came to relationships, and couldn't fathom that someone would one day be committed to me. Otherwise, he would have already shown up, right?

Wrong. With love, timing is never as we plan it. It's important to take a step back, breathe, and practice patience.

Practicing patience takes effort - it doesn't come easily. But it involves stopping and turning off that voice in your head that says "nothing is happening!" and trust a little more in the right timing of everything around us.

Learning patience also involves gratitude for what is in your life in the present moment. Not what you want, but what you have. If you're always thinking of what you want, you'll be in a perpetual state of wanting, and that is far from being patient. But if you recognize what you have in your life - whether it's a circle of close friends, family, a beautiful sunset, or an amazing slice of pizza, enjoy it, savor it, have gratitude. The more you feel a sense of appreciation, the more you will find to appreciate.

Patience also allows us to see more opportunities around us. For example, have you ever walked quickly through a grocery store, grabbing only the items you need because you're in a hurry, keeping your head down and your focus on leaving quickly - so that you never noticed the guy in the next aisle who was checking you out? Maybe he was going to ask for your number, but you hurried out so quickly he didn't have a chance. Sometimes we're so focused on the task in front of us, we forget that life is in the moment and opportunities are all around us, especially at the most inconvenient times.

So practice patience -daily, diligently, and mindfully - and see what happens.

Think that online dating is only for the young? Think again.

Older singles have been taking over the Web, and the over-40 set shows no sign of stopping. The Internet is the perfect place to look for love later in life, but it can be overwhelming for the online dating neophyte. Sally Landau and Julianne Cantarella attempt to make the ride a little smoother in Day Twelve of YourTango's online dating bootcamp.

Some of their top tips for online dating after 40 are:

1. Get started. The first step is the most difficult, but once you take it, the sailing is much smoother. Choose the right site for you by conducting a simple Google search - it will give you a good overview of what's available, what's in your price range, and what offers the features you need.

2. Own your experience. "You know yourself much better than you did 20 years ago," says Landau, "and you have a better idea of who you are and who you want in your life." Knowing who you are and what you want makes the online dating process so much easier.

3. Keep your profile short and simple. When your list of expectations is too long, it starts to look like a list of demands. Keep a list of your most important dealbreakers in the back of your mind, but otherwise keep your mind open.

4. Know your competition. Take a look at other online dating profiles to find inspiration for your own. What's working? What's not? How can you make your profile stand out?

5. Reach out. This goes for both men and women. Search the site for people who interest you, and start communication when you find someone who piques your curiosity. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

6. Hurry up. This is online dating,not a search for a penpal. Once you've exchanged a few messages back and forth, take the next step. Arrange a phone call or meet in person. If there's no chemistry, you're better off figuring it out sooner rather than later.

7. Be open and positive. You reap exactly what you sow. If you have a bad attitude about online dating, you'll meet other people who have a negative outlook. But if you approach the experience with the expectation that it will be positive, your chances of being a success story skyrocket.

8. Be fearless. "Getting back out there can be scary, but it can also be fun," says Cantarella. "Allow yourself to be scared, but don't get stuck. The only person you are hurting by not taking a chance is you!"

9. Present the best version of yourself. Think of your online dating profile as a marketing tool and yourself as the (fabulous) product. Do whatever it takes to present yourself in the best possible light, like uploading flattering photos and making sure your profile is completely filled out.

10. Don't dabble. Like a relationship, online dating takes work. Make it a priority, and devote the time and effort needed to generate the results you want.

Check out the post on YourTango for 10 more tips on dating after 40!

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Eleven

When you're dating, there is a lot of ambiguity, because people approach it in different ways.

Let me explain. I was having lunch with a friend who's in his twenties, and he has been very happily dating someone for the past few months. But they haven't had any talks of being exclusive, and frankly, he doesn't want to because he's not looking to have a girlfriend anytime soon. When I asked him about her, he said, "just because we're seeing each other doesn't mean I'll stop dating other women." He'd already met another woman that he really clicked with, and they made plans for the following night.

So I have to ask - is my friend correct? Is it fine for you to date people indefinitely without calling them "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" because you're not exclusive (or not intending to be)? Or is there something wrong with this attitude?

I decided this topic needed some discussion, because there is so much confusion surrounding when to have a conversation about being exclusive. It seems almost like the kiss of death for relationships.

There's nothing wrong with "playing the field" when you're dating, provided that you treat your dates with respect. And just because you have more of a player perspective don't expect all of your dates to jump on board.

Following are a few rules if you're dating multiple people at once, to keep you and your dates from misunderstanding each other:

State your intentions. If you have no intention to get serious with one person, or you don't want to date exclusively, then you better say so from the start. There's nothing worse than finding out after a dozen dates that your guy has also been seeing three other women. Just be upfront about your motives.

Don't tease. If you like to flatter a woman with compliments or tell her she's special, this isn't a good practice if you're dating several women at once. Lay off the romantic talk unless you're willing to put your heart where your mouth is. (And don't do this just to get her to sleep with you - have more class than that.)

Have a timeframe. Don't date a man for six months without having "the talk" about exclusivity or boundaries. This shows you to be immature and a bit of a user, waiting for someone better to come along. If you aren't interested in being in a relationship after a few months of dating or you're unsure, then let him know so he can decide to whether or not to move on.

And for those of you who are dating and want to start a relationship:

Don't expect exclusivity. Just because you've had four amazing dates with the man of your dreams and are fantasizing about your future together, don't assume he feels the same. Chemistry is a powerful force, but don't let it guide you into dropping all of your online dating memberships because you've finally found "the one." Keep dating others, until you both are ready and willing to have a conversation about exclusivity. He is probably doing the same.

Relationships can be hard to navigate, especially friendships between men and women. While it's possible to be platonic, more often there's a Harry and Sally scenario, where one or the other is secretly harboring a crush.

While Hollywood likes neat happy endings when it comes to friendship that ends in love, that's not usually the case in real life. It's hard to put yourself out there when you could get rejected. And it's difficult to express your true feelings because you don't want to jeopardize the friendship. But still, what if your attraction keeps growing and you wonder if she feels the same? This can cause all kinds of self-doubt and complications to your friendship.

If you're wondering whether or not to make a move on your gal pal, following are some questions to take into consideration to see if you have a real shot at love:

Does she avoid physical contact? If a woman is interested/ attracted, she likes to feel connected through small physical gestures, like touching your arm or sitting close enough so your legs touch. If she's going out of her way to not make any physical contact with you, chances are she doesn't see your friendship as anything more than that - friendship.

Does she tell you about her dates? Whether she comes crying to you after every bad date, or likes to tell you about her latest crush or even ask advice about what a date might be thinking, she's looking at you as a friend. When someone is interested in you, they don't talk about their dates.

Does she invite her other friends along? You've asked her out to dinner or for drinks, and inevitably she brings along a couple of friends to join you. If she's avoiding going out alone with you, chances are she's drawing boundaries so that you know she only thinks of you as a friend.

Does she avoid intimate conversations? She likes to keep things light. Every time you want to bring up the subject of your attraction, she makes an excuse and changes the subject, or leaves to make a phone call. Whatever the excuse is, she doesn't want to have the conversation because she doesn't want to risk hurting you.

Regardless of the tactics, pay attention to what her actions and body language are telling you. Some people flirt, but this isn't an indication that she's interested and you should make a move. But if you want to know once and for all where she stands and you're willing to risk the friendship, then go for it and tell her. Honesty is a great policy when it comes to any relationship - just be prepared that things might not go as you'd like. But she also might surprise you.