Two Don't Really Become One
- Thursday, July 26 2012 @ 07:04 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,003
No matter how well-suited you are to your match, we all run into problems. Everyone has arguments. Still, at the beginning of a blossoming relationship, such an argument can feel especially surprising and hurtful. Things were going so well! I really thought I had feelings for this person! If we’re arguing over this, well... are really compatible?
Chances are, yes, you are; again, even the most compatible people have arguments. But communication is a skill, one that needs to be honed over time and brushed up on occasion. When people say a relationship is work, what they often mean is that communication is work. But with enough practice, even that becomes easier.
To get off on the right, communicative foot, it’s important to remember one thing: you and your partner are separate entities. You’re not the same person.
Even if you share almost all the same interests, you might not have the same reasons for enjoying them. You’ve led separate lives up ‘til this point; you are distinct beings with your own background and motivations.
The reason it’s important to remember this is because during that heady time at the beginning of a relationship, it’s not uncommon to want to be together all the time, to want to think of yourself as one entity. That’s normal too - you’re constructing a foundation, the two of you against the world. But when it comes to the long-term, everyday stuff, thinking of yourself as one being can be harmful to good communication. Maybe you make assumptions based on how you think or react. Maybe they just don’t understand why you’re upset about something, because they aren’t. In these moments, remembering you’re two, not one, can help the both of you gain perspective and cool down.
A friend, Sara, tells me this story about her husband: “He doesn’t like surprises. The first few years we were dating, I tried to get him presents or arrange surprises with our friends, because, to me, to plan something like that shows that you care. But it just got him stressed out. Years later, I still have to remind myself that he really is happier without surprised. I still don’t actually understand it, but I know that’s who he is.”
That, indeed, is the key. You might not be able to internalize and fully understand every little thing your partner does - and that’s okay. All that matters is that you respect one another to keep the lines of communication open, and accept your differences as valid. Keep that in mind, and you’re one step closer to a long-term relationship that’s less “work” and more “fun.”
Chances are, yes, you are; again, even the most compatible people have arguments. But communication is a skill, one that needs to be honed over time and brushed up on occasion. When people say a relationship is work, what they often mean is that communication is work. But with enough practice, even that becomes easier.
To get off on the right, communicative foot, it’s important to remember one thing: you and your partner are separate entities. You’re not the same person.
Even if you share almost all the same interests, you might not have the same reasons for enjoying them. You’ve led separate lives up ‘til this point; you are distinct beings with your own background and motivations.
The reason it’s important to remember this is because during that heady time at the beginning of a relationship, it’s not uncommon to want to be together all the time, to want to think of yourself as one entity. That’s normal too - you’re constructing a foundation, the two of you against the world. But when it comes to the long-term, everyday stuff, thinking of yourself as one being can be harmful to good communication. Maybe you make assumptions based on how you think or react. Maybe they just don’t understand why you’re upset about something, because they aren’t. In these moments, remembering you’re two, not one, can help the both of you gain perspective and cool down.
A friend, Sara, tells me this story about her husband: “He doesn’t like surprises. The first few years we were dating, I tried to get him presents or arrange surprises with our friends, because, to me, to plan something like that shows that you care. But it just got him stressed out. Years later, I still have to remind myself that he really is happier without surprised. I still don’t actually understand it, but I know that’s who he is.”
That, indeed, is the key. You might not be able to internalize and fully understand every little thing your partner does - and that’s okay. All that matters is that you respect one another to keep the lines of communication open, and accept your differences as valid. Keep that in mind, and you’re one step closer to a long-term relationship that’s less “work” and more “fun.”
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