Relationships

While there are a myriad of reasons why someone might decide to try online dating, one reason does tend to pop up frequently: for some, online dating is less intimidating, less anxiety-ridden. For those that find themselves so very shy that they don’t like to approach anyone in person, online dating can make the difference between reaching out and not. But many people, even those who aren’t painfully shy, notice a difference when talking to someone online. In fact, sometimes it can be a little too easy.

The problem can be summed up in one acronym: TMI. Too much information. When we chance to meet someone in person for the first time, we’re naturally a little guarded. We’ll say hello, crack a few jokes, and maybe share a bit about ourselves, but we probably won’t delve into our problems with our exes, our sexual prowess or the minutiae of what we had for breakfast that morning. However, it’s not uncommon to see any or all of this in online profiles or social media messages.

Too much information, too soon can turn someone off altogether before they’ve had a chance to actually get to know you. Or, worse: it can cause feelings and connections that are too intense before they’ve had a chance to get to know you.

“Wait a minute,” you might be thinking. “Isn’t the point to forge an intense connection?” Well, yes, if you’re sure there’s actual chemistry between you. But I’ve known people who have had quite intense email exchanges before they’ve ever even met in person, only to discover when they finally did that there was no spark. One or both walks away, deflated, dejected and wondering why they wasted their time and energy on a relationship that was doomed to never begin.

So as you construct your online profile and write your emails, remember a few points. First, your profile is your first impression, so while you want to be memorable, open and fun, you don’t need to share every explicit detail of your life. Even your first few emails are the equivalent of small talk, general get-to-know-you feeling out and ensuring that no red flags pop up.

And after that... get to a meeting in person! There’s no point investing your heart when you don’t even know if there’s a more basic attraction between the two of you. If you start a relationship without meeting, you’re doing your potential match, as well as yourself, a disservice. So just remember: while it’s good to be open and honest, when it comes to meeting someone new there is such a thing as too much information, too quickly!

It seems that when the subject of online dating comes up, most people tend to fall into two camps. Chances are you’ve met one of each kind - you might even fit into one of these groups yourself. The thing is, you don’t have to belong solely to either party - in fact, you probably want to strive for a mix of the two.

We’ll call one group the Dreamer Dans; they’re all about throwing caution to the wind, finding True Love. These are the ones who might advocate moving across the country to live with someone you’ve never met. On the plus side, they’re ready to root for love, so they’ll be supportive if they’re a friend or family member. On the other hand, they encourage rash behavior - and they might also be the type to focus on a fairy-tale “story” rather than finding an appropriate match.

The opposing group can be dubbed the Safety Sallies; they’re pretty sure there’s a homicidal maniac lurking around every corner of the internet (but, strangely enough, seem to think the local bar or club is perfectly safe). They might fill your head with horror stories or send you a link to every story they can find about someone who was scammed online. On the bright side, they’ve got your back if you’re feeling nervous yourself and want a friend “planted” on-site at your first date... and if they approve of the match they’ll probably be incredibly supportive.

There’s nothing wrong with recognizing something of yourself in the Dans or the Sallies - indeed, you want a little bit of both when it comes to approaching online dating. Safety is important, and you want to take precautions when it comes to giving out your personal information, as well as trust your gut instincts. On the other hand, you can’t fall in love if you’re living in fear, so you have to be willing to take a leap of faith at some point. Hopefully, in person you won’t have much cause to overthink it; think about how quickly we make judgments and gut decisions about people every day. You probably didn’t have to make a pros and cons list about starting a friendship with your best friends, for example.

The important thing to remember is that reason and emotion are not mutually exclusive. We employ a bit of both every day of our lives - so why not strike that same balance when it comes to love? Perhaps we should even get the Dans and the Sallies together - it seems a good mix brings the best out of both.

The road has been long, but the journey is finally coming to an end. Day Fourteen wraps up YourTango's online dating bootcamp with a few parting words from Heidi Lee Munson.

Finding The One means kissing a lot of frogs first, and you may find yourself feeling discouraged as you wade through the amphibians search of Prince - or Princess - Charming. But don't get down - every frog you pucker up with puts you one step closer to puckering up with the perfect person. Munson offers the following advice for daters dealing with dating despair:

1. Everybody needs a friend. A date may not work out romantically, but that doesn't mean they can't work out in other ways. It never hurts to have another friend, right? Especially one who's in the same dating boat as you, and can offer advice and support when needed. If the sparks don't fly, consider turning your date into a new friend.
2. There's more to life than your computer. I know that's hard to hear in an age when it seems like just about everything can be done from your laptop, but trust me...there's life outside of the Interweb. Love can show up in some very unexpected places if you're open to finding it, so don't get so lost in online dating that you're blind to the potential partners you meet in real life.
3. Avoid over-saturation. You know that feeling when you just can't bear the thought of another first date? Listen to that feeling. When dating isn't fun anymore, it's time to go on a hiatus. Focus on yourself instead of on finding someone else. Rest up and relax, and when you find yourself missing the excitement of meeting new people, then you're ready to start dating again.
4. Take a breather. Sometimes you and your dating site need to go on a break. Challenge yourself to sign out and stay out for 10 days. Don't check your messages. Don't update your profile. Recharge your batteries and return to online dating when you have new energy and a fresh perspective.
5. Try a different site. If you've spent a significant amount of time on a site and haven't had any luck, it may be time to move on. You know what they say about the grass, but in this case the grass really may be greener elsewhere. A fresh pool of singles to choose from may be exactly what you need to feel excited about online dating again.

Congratulations on your bootcamp graduation!

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Thirteen

It’s natural for us to want to give our online dating profiles as broad appeal as possible. We don’t really know who we’ll click with - is it someone with whom we share most interests? A complete opposite, perhaps? - so why limit the possibilities? However, there is one potential problem with this approach: in attempting to appeal to as many people as possible, we might come across as bland. And when you’re bland, it’s harder to appeal to anyone.

That doesn’t mean you should post pictures of yourself in feather boas and crazy hats to compensate (unless that’s actually representative of your sense of humor). However, if you’re nervous, you can certainly use your photo section to help “personalize” your profile and share some of your better moments. That picture of you kissing a dolphin? Go ahead and post it, even if it’s not from your “good side.” What about the picture of you wearing a funny apron at a cookout, or in the middle of a shaving-cream fight last summer?

These “character” photos fill in the gaps about your personality, and also show that you’re a real person and not a carefully composed photo from just the right angle. As an added bonus, pictures tend to stay in our minds, so even if your reader might not remember every detail about you, they’ll remember the pictures, especially if they were interesting or entertaining.

However, that doesn’t mean you should use interesting pictures and keep a boring profile. Photos may pick up some of the slack from a bland self-summary, but pair them with text that’s interesting and fun and you have a one-two contact combo. So what’s the easiest way to spice up your profile?

In a word, passion. No, not the romantic kind. Passion for the things in life you care about, whether it’s friends, family, your profession, volunteering, knitting... the list goes on and on. The subject might not even matter (though it’s great if you find someone who shares your passion); it’s the fact that you care deeply about something that’s attractive. Don’t be afraid to use enthusiastic, positive words like “fantastic,” “great,” and even “love.”

Not only does speaking enthusiastically about your passions show that you care about something, it demonstrates that you have an independent life. In essence, it’s the anti-cling. When someone knows that you won’t be looking to them to entertain you - that, in fact, you bring the entertainment yourself - they’re all the more likely to want to be around you. Not to mention the fact that many find passion of any kind attractive and stimulating.

So as you write your online profile, don’t be content with boilerplate written oatmeal. Add a little spice to your profile, whether it be in the self-summary, the photo section, or better yet, both! Soon others will see you as more than just another pretty face.

Sometimes it's difficult to strike the right balance when describing yourself in an online profile. The language you use might sound either timid or arrogant, and the pictures might be out of date or ineffective. When you're having a hard time or need to freshen it up, sometimes it's best to call a trusted friend to help you. After all, they know you better than anyone - your best qualities along with your faults.

Following are some ways your friends can help:

Improving your photos. If you're using a picture from last summer's trip to Mexico when your skin was tan and you were twenty pounds lighter, you might end up with some irritated dates. People like to know that their dates resemble the pictures they post online, or else they feel they're misrepresenting themselves. Your friend can help by choosing good, accurate photos of you or by grabbing a camera and taking some new ones.

Adjusting your tone. Maybe you come across as a bit cynical or negative - you have a long list of requirements for what you don't want. Your friend can help turn things around by focusing on what you do want. If it's too vague, friends can help add specific details that you can't remember or are afraid to write down. Sometimes, you just need that extra boost of confidence when you write about yourself - and friends are the best supporters.

Your online handle is bad. I know that people like to create handles that get attention. After all, this is online dating, not job hunting, and you only have a few seconds to capture someone's interest. But "SexyTime" and "PorscheDriver" aren't cutting it. These handles aren't original or engaging, and will turn a lot of people off. Your friends can help you brainstorm something more interesting and flirtatious, or at least tell you to lose the old one.

You're misrepresenting yourself. Sure, you may describe yourself as "athletic" because you've signed up for an amateur league baseball team with your co-workers, but be honest: do you actually work out enough to have an athletic body? Also, your friends will keep you from shaving a few years off your age or inches off your height. It's better to be truthful when physically describing yourself - and friends can help keep you honest.

Your friends are a great support system for getting your online profile in shape - just make sure you trust their opinions and they aren't leading you astray. Negative and cynical friends aren't going to really benefit you with their advice and opinions. Ask someone who is cheering you on, and keeping you honest. And if they're single, it's even better - you can help each other.

Sometimes there's nothing more frustrating than listening to your friends give you advice about dating. Especially if they are happily married or in relationships. You might be thinking, "you haven't dated in ten years - what do you know?" But we still like to discuss our relationships with friends - we want support, and to be heard when we're feeling let down or confused. Friends are a great support system in this way. But while they might have your best interest at heart, they don't always have all the right answers.

While some advice is good to hear, some just doesn't work or ring true. My rule of thumb? Always follow your gut - you know what's best for you, but sometimes your friends can see you a bit more clearly than you are willing to admit, so keep an open mind. Following are some tips to help guide you through the sea of dating advice:

Filter out the negative. If your friends tend to wax negative about your dating habits, it's time to start asking other people. Sure, there are always things you can change and goals to strive towards, but if your friends are constantly telling you why it won't work out: "oh, you'll never date someone who wants to settle down," or "she just wants you for your money," or even "all men are flaky like that," then you may want to ask someone else.

Know whether or not your friends are in happy, healthy relationships. Sometimes those who give advice aren't necessarily living by it themselves. If your friend is happily in a relationship, then consider his opinion, because he's have found a way to navigate the rough stuff, too. If he's perpetually single or in an unhappy relationship, he may not be the best source of advice on what works well for you.

They sugarcoat their responses. Many of my girlfriends (and myself included) like to reassure each other when we're dating. If there was a man I dated who suddenly dropped out of the picture - no more texts or phone calls - they would tell me he just got busy with work or he was traveling. The truth was, he just wasn't that into me, but sometimes friends don't want to tell you things that you don't want to hear.

Be willing to change. Sometimes the truth can hurt if it rings true. Have you been dating the same way for years? Have you become frustrated because you're meeting the same types of people who eventually disappoint? If your friends see a pattern, then it's worth looking into. Since you can't change your dates, it's a good idea to see what you can change about how you approach dating.