Relationships

Some people think that, when it comes to online dating, all they have to do is write up a profile, sit back, and let the date offers come rolling in. It rarely seems to occur to such people that if everyone is sitting back, well, who’s doing the offering? There are even those who come up with reasons to justify why they shouldn’t have to “make the first move” - and surprisingly enough, it often seems to come down to gender.

“Are you sure it’s okay for a girl to email a guy first?” asked one wide-eyed female. “It’s not the stone age!” I replied. “If you see a profile you’re interested in, email them. You probably wouldn’t be asking yourself if you should talk to someone cute you’ve spotted in public; why should this be any different?” A few males have gotten downright surly when it was suggested they try emailing more prospective matches. “Why is it always up to the guy?” one said. “I’m tired of having to make the first move.”

Yes, it does seem that online dating, while utilizing the latest technology, can be somewhat primeval when it comes to heterosexual interaction. It’s unclear why; maybe those who still view it as an “alternative” to regular dating, instead of a natural extension, think of it as something “other” and contribute a more stilted and traditional feel? At any rate, no one is going to be offended if a woman emails a man first; the men will likely be appreciative!

So, yes, online dating can be “unfair” when it comes to the fullness of one’s inbox. That being said, women don’t necessarily have it any easier. Most of the messages they receive can be considered “white noise;” they’re just garbled or lewd (or both!). It can actually make seeking those genuine messages more difficult; when four out of every five emails are white noise, you might start to glaze over and skim, rather than giving every message the consideration it deserves. Something good can get lost in the shuffle.

So, how best to shake things up and stand out from the crowd? Well, if you’re a woman, the first step is to just get out there and email! Some men are emailing ten or more women a week. If you manage even half that you’ll probably have quite a few conversations going.

If you’re a man, just try to be memorable. A memorable, easy-to-spell username (no John2042, please) is a great first step in case she deletes your email accidentally. A funny or different email subject line is the next order of business - something different from the many “heys” she probably gets. And when it comes to the email itself: don’t regurgitate your profile, don’t fawn all over her. Instead, start up a conversation. Ask questions about something specific from her profile. Think about how you’d interact in-person instead of getting scared by the formality of the written word (but avoid text-speak! You want it to sound like your voice, not your thumbs).

Sometimes the best way to get results in online dating is to stop thinking of it as online dating! Instead of viewing it as some separate, ritualized process, remember what you’re here to do: meet people, talk to them, and figure out if you’re compatible. Just because you’re not in the same room doesn’t mean you’re not in the same world.

For some, the most stressful part of constructing an online dating profile is choosing pictures that represent themselves. There are so many factors to consider - if you’re doing something interesting in the photo, if it needs to be cropped, if it’s out of focus - but one of the first things on which we tend to fixate is whether or not we “look good.” And finding a “good photo” can seem like a Sisyphean task. But don’t panic! In fact, it’s possible a “bad photo” can actually work to your advantage, in the proper context.

First, let’s cover what we don’t mean when we say “bad photo.” We don’t mean something that is out of focus. We don’t mean something from a first-generation webcam that is grainy and cloudy. We don’t mean a digital picture that you took of an old hard-copy photo (you know the kind, you can see the glare from the window and the surface you laid it on, too).

No, instead we’re talking about the kind of photo that is of perfectly good quality, “if only I hadn’t turned my head that way and given myself multiple chins.” Or maybe the one where you’re making a goofy face. Maybe it’s a full-length photo, and you’re not a fan of your thighs. Don’t discard those photos as options immediately; take a second look.

Ask yourself: is this picture telling a story? Does this capture some element of my personality? Those candid photos might not always be the “prettiest”, but they can often be more attractive, because you’re showing genuine emotion. Maybe you think you’re too gummy in that photo where you’re laughing your head off - but the viewer wants to smile because your joy is so contagious.

These sorts of photos can also convey a trait that is coveted in online profiles: confidence. So you have butterflies about displaying that full-length pic? So does everyone else, but you’re the only one brave enough to do it. That says a lot about a person. So if you choose a picture that’s, say, you with a funny face on a rock-climbing wall, you’re saying several things: you’re athletic, you’re determined, you have a sense of humor, and then, because the picture isn’t perfectly posed, you’re confident as well. So many layers from just one image! Perhaps a picture really is worth a thousand words.

If you’re worried about misrepresenting yourself as less attractive than you actually are, just remember that we’re not talking about choosing a default picture here, just one of many to help paint a complete picture. You have your typical, smiling pictures where your makeup is just right, and then you have the one where you got thrown in a pool fully clothed. The viewer will feel like they’re getting to know the “real you.” They might have fewer reservations about meeting in person, because they don’t think you’re all smoke and mirrors. They might even be pleasantly surprised when they see you!

So as you put together your online dating profile, don’t skim past those less-than-perfect photos. After all, everyone’s naturally less than perfect; why not present a balanced picture?

Though eHarmony takes precautions to protect subscribers' information - like password hashing, data encryption, and state-of-the-art firewalls - the security of your personal info shouldn't be left up to the site alone. It's your responsibility to keep your private information private. Luckily, there's a lot you can do to protect your privacy on eHarmony.com.

• Don't use the name of the site in your password. Many of eHarmony's hacked passwords contained the words "harmony" or "eharmony."
• Do not use your eHarmony password on other sites (but if you do, be sure to change the passwords for all sites that use the same password the moment you have reason to believe that one has been compromised). Be especially careful about using the same passwords for sites you use on a daily basis (eHarmony, Facebook, Twitter, your email, etc.). If one account is hacked, you've left an open door for hackers to access all your other most important accounts as well.
• Make sure your password on one account doesn't reveal the answer to a security question on another account, giving hackers the information they need to access your profile. Consider being a little less truthful when answering security questions. For example, instead of naming your first pet, name your second.
• Password protect all devices on which you access your eHarmony account. Your laptop, smartphone, tablet, etc., should all be locked, providing one extra layer of security in case they accidentally end up in the wrong hands.
• Sign out of eHarmony when you're done using it. This is important even on devices you think are only used by you (see the point above), but it's even more important when you're using a device shared with other people.
• Change your Facebook to "Friends Only." What information will a potential date (or scammer) have access to when they learn your name? How about everything on your Facebook profile? Control your information by changing your privacy settings to "Friends Only."

And, most importantly, don't give out any personal information when asked. Even if the hot prospect you're chatting with seems like a trustworthy date, err on the side of caution. Don't share your personal email address, place of employment, or home address with anyone you meet online.

For more information on this popular matchmaking service you can read our eHarmony review

I have a friend who dated many guys who didn't quite have their lives together. Some of her boyfriends were perpetually jobless, some unwilling or unable to commit to her, and some had the emotional stability of a reality TV star. I wondered what she saw in these guys, and why she kept seeking out men who needed "fixing." After all, there were plenty of decent, available men around her, but she wasn't interested in them.

My friend was someone who enjoyed feeling needed. If she could help a man find a job, or support him financially, or help him through his confused feelings about another girlfriend or wife, then she fell instantly in love. There was something appealing to her about seeing a man's vulnerability, and being the one they asked for help, that ultimately turned her on.

While I understand the draw of feeling needed, this is an unhealthy way to pursue a love life - especially when you're looking for something lasting and real. Getting involved with someone who isn't emotionally or physically available is harmful for everyone involved. If he's leaning on you to "fix" or "help" his current relationship, or if your relationship is only on his terms, then he's not going to be able to give anything to you. He's doing all the taking, which can leave you feeling drained and depressed. And if you're hoping he falls in love with you, you're in for a tough road ahead.

And what about money? Helping a significant other when they are having financial difficulties is understandable, especially in today's economy. But if you find that this is a pattern, that you attract men who are not financially stable, then you have to question what's going on. Are you wanting to feel needed, to be able to help a man get on his feet (and therefore you are deserving of love)? Or are you looking to be a hero in someone's life? Even if money isn't a problem for you, becoming a benefactor in your romantic relationship automatically puts you on unequal footing - making both of you resentful in the end if it doesn't work out. It's better to support each other in a more healthy way, instead of trying to "save" someone else.

Bottom line: being in a relationship requires support - but for it to last, it must come from both parties, not just one. If you want a long-term, healthy relationship, then it's important to value yourself. You don't need to "save" anyone else. Mutual love and respect is the most important part of any happy relationship.

The hippest parents turn to their kids for advice on up-and-coming bands and the hottest new fashion trends, but would you ask your kid for dating advice?

That's the premise behind the latest dating site to join the fray, myLovelyParent. myLovelyParent hopes to help single moms and dads find love online with the aid of the most important people in their lives: their children. The site is the brainchild of two brothers in the UK who hope to find their "very lovely single mum in her 60s" a few "handsome chaps" for friendship and companionship.

In their own words, the brothers describe their project as "trying to open up the world of online dating to our parents' generation." "They're a generation who, on the whole, are less digitally proficient, less accepting of social networking (in its most literal sense) and who are incredibly discrete when it comes to matters of the heart," they write on the site's blog. "There are plenty of people out there who don't want to be alone. And we believe, through digital, we can bring them together."

The process, as the brothers describe it, is simple:

1. Sign yourself up.
2. Recommend people to your mum/dad.
3. Ask to be more involved OR sit back and know you've done a good thing.

Sons and daughters sign up their single moms and dads and create a profile for them, then search the site for people they think would be perfect companions for their parents. Emails are automatically sent to the parents when their child "recommends" someone for them, and from there they can take things into their own hands.

myLovelyParent seems to be taking a cue from mysinglefriend.com, another dating site based in the UK. My Single Friend lets third parties play matchmaker by asking your friends to write your profile for you, a concept that's similar to children finding dates for their parents. Other well-meaning relatives, like aunts and uncles, grandparents, and step-parents, are also welcome to help their loved ones find partners.

The goals for myLovelyParent are lofty - "I want to create something that can, once again, disrupt a saturated marketplace whilst delivering something that changes the world for the better," wrote one brother on the blog - but the site has already generated a lot of interest. myLovelyParent is currently only available in the UK, where it's in beta with plans to go live in September, but the brothers hope to bring the site to the US in January.

If you’ve ever read a blog, you’re pretty familiar with the personal questionnaire. There are thousands of them out there, with questions ranging from your favorite color to your recollections of Saturday morning cartoons. If you’re trying to get your profile started and you’re feeling stuck, these questionnaires, surveys and memes are a great way to get some inspiration flowing, particularly if you bear the following tips in mind:

First, don’t copy and paste an entire survey into your profile. How often do you sit and really read the surveys of other people, particularly someone about whom you feel neutral? You might skim, and if it’s too long, you’ll leave altogether. No, these surveys should only be used as a jumping-off point, not a substitute for a profile altogether.

Neither should you attempt to cram all the content of a survey into your profile. Writing down your favorite color might get you loosened up in the question-and-answer session, but it’s not really something that says anything about you. You’ll probably be able to scrap most of the questions altogether. What you’re looking for is any answer that is revealing, funny, or different. Maybe you’ve always liked to mix three kinds of breakfast cereal. Maybe you stock up on office supplies during back-to-school season because it brings back happy memories. Maybe your first job was performing as a giant dancing hot dog for the local fast food place. These are the sort of facts you’re looking to pull out, not your favorite candy bar (unless it’s something really bizarre).

While it’s definitely good to open up in your profile, try not to venture into the realm of Too Much Information. Try to avoid anything that might be too depressing or too graphic (in pretty much every sense). Later on you might be filling out racy questionnaires with your partner, but they don’t need all the details about your underclothes or romantic prowess splashed across your profile.

What if the questionnaire proves to be so incredibly inspiring that you have amazing anecdotes and don’t think you can fit them all in? Fear not! These sorts of tidbits can be equally useful when it comes to first dates and small talk. Maybe you can even take note of some of the better questions and ask a few yourself (just make sure you’re not interrogating your poor date!).

A questionnaire might be something you’ve skimmed over in the past, but now you can look at it with new perspective - it’s a jumper cable for flagging creativity! Don’t be afraid to use the tools that are easily available to you, and happy writing!