Do You Like to “Fix” Your Boyfriends?

I have a friend who dated many guys who didn't quite have their lives together. Some of her boyfriends were perpetually jobless, some unwilling or unable to commit to her, and some had the emotional stability of a reality TV star. I wondered what she saw in these guys, and why she kept seeking out men who needed "fixing." After all, there were plenty of decent, available men around her, but she wasn't interested in them.

My friend was someone who enjoyed feeling needed. If she could help a man find a job, or support him financially, or help him through his confused feelings about another girlfriend or wife, then she fell instantly in love. There was something appealing to her about seeing a man's vulnerability, and being the one they asked for help, that ultimately turned her on.

While I understand the draw of feeling needed, this is an unhealthy way to pursue a love life - especially when you're looking for something lasting and real. Getting involved with someone who isn't emotionally or physically available is harmful for everyone involved. If he's leaning on you to "fix" or "help" his current relationship, or if your relationship is only on his terms, then he's not going to be able to give anything to you. He's doing all the taking, which can leave you feeling drained and depressed. And if you're hoping he falls in love with you, you're in for a tough road ahead.

And what about money? Helping a significant other when they are having financial difficulties is understandable, especially in today's economy. But if you find that this is a pattern, that you attract men who are not financially stable, then you have to question what's going on. Are you wanting to feel needed, to be able to help a man get on his feet (and therefore you are deserving of love)? Or are you looking to be a hero in someone's life? Even if money isn't a problem for you, becoming a benefactor in your romantic relationship automatically puts you on unequal footing - making both of you resentful in the end if it doesn't work out. It's better to support each other in a more healthy way, instead of trying to "save" someone else.

Bottom line: being in a relationship requires support - but for it to last, it must come from both parties, not just one. If you want a long-term, healthy relationship, then it's important to value yourself. You don't need to "save" anyone else. Mutual love and respect is the most important part of any happy relationship.