Relationships

When starting a new relationship, it's easy to get lost. You want to spend all your free time with your new love, and friendships and family often get neglected. Perhaps even your own needs get neglected too, especially if you're fighting to make a relationship work.

So what can you do to preserve yourself - and your own identity, friends, and social connections - in the midst of love?

Try these steps:

Set goals for yourself. It's important to pursue individual goals as well as goals that you have as a couple. We all have a sense of purpose, and if we neglect our own to support a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, we're going to build up frustration and resentment. Establish your own goals - career or otherwise - and make them a priority. Give yourself a timeline or schedule if you must, but be sure to keep working toward them.

Make time for your friends. Schedule meet-ups with your friends in your calendar, and don't cancel them to make room for your love's plans. You had your own friendships before you met him, and it's important to maintain those bonds. He will understand - don't stop living your own life to be with him.

Speak up. Is there something that bothers you, or that you want to say? No matter how big or how small the request - wanting to choose the restaurant next time, or telling him how frustrating it is when he is watching TV while you're trying to talk, or making a decision about how much money you're each going to put away in a retirement plan, say what you want to say. Don't take a back seat to his or her opinion. Be sure to state your own wants and needs in any relationship.

Know your limits. It's important to be able to set limits in any healthy relationship so you can manage your expectations as well as your partner's. Know what you can tolerate before you start feeling stressed or angry or even uncomfortable. You're not always going to get along, so it's good to navigate feelings of frustration and learn what works best for each of you.

Don't avoid confrontation. It's good to listen and engage with each other, especially if you differ on something that is important to you. Talk it out. There's no need to blame or be aggressive. Just be open to talk about both of your needs and really listen to what the other person has to say. This way, you can come to a good compromise.

Some men are looking for a little more excitement in their dating lives, maybe to take them out of their day-to-day business dealings, or maybe just to feel that rush of adrenaline. C'mon guys, you know the type you might go for - the highs and lows you're willing to endure because she makes you crazy. One day she loves you and you can do no wrong, but the next day she's screaming and ready to walk out. She's unpredictable. She's a drama queen.

She's totally worth it, right?

At the end of the day, not so much. What do you have to show for these hot and cold relationships? Do you feel safe entrusting your heart, your life, to someone like this? Or is choosing drama in a relationship more of a defensive measure - to protect you from really getting close to someone?

If you have a habit of choosing drama queens and are looking for something new, you might want to check your patterns at the door before you begin your next romance:

Pattern #1 - You like the chase. Many men like to pursue a woman, and if she's harder to pin down, it makes the chase more exciting and unpredictable. There's something really appealing about finally "getting" her, making her yours. But then what? Once the thrill of the chase is gone, how are you left feeling? Real relationships aren't built on the extreme highs and lows of the chase, but by building trust over time.

Pattern #2 - You're excited by her emotional flux. One minute she's laughing, the next crying, which is fun at first but not after a while. It seems that you're always trying to figure out what's going on with her. Instead of letting your moods follow her emotions, stop reacting and see what happens.

Pattern #3 - You're often on the defense. She likes to accuse you of things, and you're always defending yourself against attacks. After a while, this can wear you down. If a woman is playing the blame game, it's time to have a real conversation about how you're both feeling. If she won't take responsibility for her shortcomings and mistakes, it's best to move on so you don't continue this unhealthy cycle.

Pattern #4 - You find most women are too boring. You like the rush, like adrenaline of a drama queen. This can be almost an addictive pattern, because you're attracted to the rush of passion you feel, but remember it doesn't last. This means she keeps escalating the drama in order to keep your interest. This is an unhealthy cycle, and won't lead to a good relationship.

While excitement is a good feeling in a relationship, it's important to keep in mind what hasn't worked for you in the long run, and make changes to achieve a happier, healthier dating life.

You have a first date lined up, and let’s face it, you’re kind of petrified. What if you don’t click at all? What if you say something dumb? What if, somehow, you’re not really acting like yourself, and maybe your date would like you but that’s not who apparently showed up tonight?

It’s not hard to acknowledge that these nerves are pretty universal - that we can identify when we see them in movies or hear about them from friends. And yet, it seems to be the hardest thing in the world to realize that when we go out on a date, chances are, our date is just as nervous, if not more!

Yes, let’s think about that for a moment. You’re not headed to a job interview where someone with nothing invested is coolly observing your every move. Quite the contrary; even if you do stutter, your date might not even notice, wrapped up as they are in their own internal panic mode!

So imagine this: What if, when we headed out to a date, our goal was not to represent ourselves in the most perfect and accurate way, or to be as impressive as possible? What if, instead, our goal was to make our date comfortable?

It might seem a little strange, or even like an insignificant difference, but the results have the potential to be dramatic. When you’re thinking more about your date than yourself, your own posture will probably relax. You’re paying more attention to what your date is saying - far more attractive than being lost in your own head. You’re striving to find common ground to make them comfortable, not laying out your credentials like you’re asking for a job. And if there’s less pressure on yourself, you might be out of that fight-or-flight mode, freeing up your brain to be funnier and more clever.

Sure, it’d be great if we could all just stride into a first date full of confidence and lacking nerves, but few of us are able. By focusing on the nerves of your date, however, you potentially take pressure off yourself and make your date more comfortable. Not a bad alternative.

It's that time of year - out with the old, in with the new!

The same goes for your dating life, and I'm not just talking about the men or women you've dated. I'm talking about your old dating habits - the ones that you would be better off without.

Sometimes it's difficult to change our behavior and attitude, or to see what we're doing wrong, but it's invaluable to our personal development and in working towards what we want. We can get stuck wanting to change the people we meet and date. But if you want real change in your dating life, then that is totally up to you.

Making a plan is essential - it's the movement, the steps we take each day, that eventually get us to our destination. And what better time to start than the new year? So get ready for 2013 by putting your dreams into action:

Join that online dating site. Are you afraid of trying online dating? Have you not had good experiences in the past? Now is the time to put all that behind you and try again. But this time, do a little homework. Instead of just joining the same old site, there are now plenty to choose from, depending on what you want. If you want to find someone religious, or someone who's a vegan, or someone who's politically active, there's a site for you. See what's out there, and try it out. Most sites offer a free introductory trial period so you can get a feel for what they are like.

Accept invitations. Do you tend to screen all your dates? Do you ignore the guy in line behind you at the coffee shop because he's not your "type?" Are you dismissive of guys who come across as nervous? If so, you could be getting in your own way. Often, we overlook opportunities right in front of us. Just because you picture meeting someone a certain way or at a certain time doesn't mean it will happen that way - be open to opportunities and accept invitations to go out. What's the harm in one date?

Adjust the attitude. If you're looking to meet the right person now and not "waste time" with the wrong ones you might want to rethink your strategy. If you cut dates short, or tell them right away that they aren't your type, you're likely coming across to your dates as insensitive, arrogant, or picky, which isn't going to help you in your pursuits. It's important to remember that all of us have weaknesses and strengths, so trying to weed out potential love interests in a hurry isn't helping you get there any faster. Instead, look at every date as an opportunity to find love. And remember that a lot of what makes two people click is intangible. Relationships take time to build. Consider each and every date an opportunity to invest in your future happiness. No time spent finding love is ever wasted.

The scenario: You're on a date, and the man sitting across from you says or does something that reminds you of your ex boyfriend. Maybe he chews his food in a similar manner, or maybe he's a fan of the Red Sox, too. Whatever the case, it's enough to make you start complaining about all the things that your ex did to you, how wrong he was for you, and how you never want to date anyone like that again.

You can imagine why this date never called you back, can't you?

Sometimes it's hard to resist venting about past loves, especially in an intimate setting like a date. If you two are getting along pretty well and sharing a few secrets, it might feel natural to confide in some nasty missives about your ex. But this isn't a good way to date. Who wants to be your sounding board?

If you find yourself unable to control the urge to vent, then consider taking these few steps to set yourself on a healthier dating path:

Ask: Have you truly gotten over your ex? If you find yourself checking his Facebook page or harboring feelings for him still, then you might not have given yourself time to heal.

Answer: Allow yourself to take a break from dating so that you're not just looking for rebound relationships. Reach out to friends for support, immerse yourself in activities you love, and focus on healing yourself. You have to let go for new love to come into your life.

Ask: Are you afraid of a new relationship? Sometimes we'll push opportunities away if we're afraid to move forward. If your ex cheated on you or betrayed you somehow, you might find it harder to be vulnerable again.

Answer: It's important to examine the reasons for our fears so we can move past them. Be honest with yourself - are you afraid you're not going to choose well, or that another man will do the same thing? Don't be afraid of asking for help or support. A good counselor or minister will help you navigate through your emotions to make healthier choices.

Are you playing the victim? Maybe your ex did a lot of things wrong, but living in a state of anger and blame isn't going to serve your needs.

Answer: Instead of dwelling on all of his mistakes, start owning up to your own life, what you want, and how you might do things differently next time. The sooner you let go of being the victim, the happier and healthier your relationships will be going forward.

Perhaps you’ve been talking to someone new that you’ve met through an online dating site. They seem great, but maybe you’re just feeling a little cautious because your mother keeps emailing you stories about dating scams. Or maybe they seem a little too good to be true. Or maybe you’re just plain curious. So you do what any logical person would do: you turn to your friendly neighborhood search engine.

What happens next is where things get dicey. How much searching should you actually do? Where’s the line between concerned citizen and near-stalker? And do you ever tell your date that you’ve been checking up on them?

There’s no set etiquette for this situation, and really you’re going to have to play it by ear and base it on the situation. However, following are a few factors to bear in mind.

First of all, you should ask yourself why you’re really searching. If you’re just verifying that your date is a real person with a real history, a quick skim should do the trick. Anything beyond that and you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you’re just being nosy. You might try to justify it to yourself, but there’s really no reason to go delving into, say, past relationship history on that blog from seven years ago. Poke around all you like, but be honest with yourself about it.

As for whether you should admit to your date that you’ve done some searching, well, that depends on what you’re going to admit to seeing. There’s nothing wrong with the quick-verification search; in today’s world of relative paranoia and easy information, it’s almost expected. Still, it doesn’t hurt to look a little sheepish, no matter how innocent and cursory your perusing was. Even if you have the best of intentions, you’re entering their personal space by trying to find out parts of their life that they haven’t explicitly shared; a little acknowledgement of that fact goes a long way.

If you really have gone delving into ancient social networking pages and forum posts, you might want to keep that to yourself. Your date will only distract themselves wondering exactly what you’ve seen, or get embarrassed, and you don’t want to be responsible for making them uncomfortable. If things progress into a serious relationship, maybe then you can confess that you listened to recordings from their old garage band.

Finally, remember that the door swings both ways: others might be searching for information about you, too. There’s not much you can do about what’s already out there, other than prepare yourself for the possibility that it’ll be seen, but keep potential searches in mind before you make any new information public. And if a date reveals that they’ve been looking you up, don’t take it personally! After all, we’ve all done it.