Relationships

The following conversation is one that happens more frequently than it should:

I’m having a conversation with Rhoda, and the subject of online dating comes up. She wrinkles her nose. “Ugh, I can’t stand online dating. I tried it once and it was terrible; no one looked like their picture and I couldn’t find anyone I was interested in.”

I asked when this had happened. “Hmm, it must have been... probably 2001.”

Take a moment and think back to 2001. It was over ten years ago. You might have still been on a dial-up connection. Pages were optimized to minimize images, because they tended to bog everything down. Looking at profiles probably took forever compared to today’s speeds.

Of course, there were likely fewer profiles to peruse back then. In general, people were more unsure about online dating as a viable addition or alternative to what they were already doing. The average person was also probably less Internet-savvy, in terms of culture, how to express themselves through writing, typing speed, and more. You could pull up an Internet search of your date’s name, but you weren’t likely to find much of anything.

In short, the online dating world was a different place just ten years ago. This isn’t really surprising, given that technology in general has moved in leaps and bounds in the last few decades; still, it’s easy to forget.

The dating world has moved forward. We tend not to have chaperoned dates on the front porch anymore, and we also have alternatives to meeting someone in a crowded, dimly-lit corner bar. Our dating pool has moved out of our small town, and sometimes even out of our state or country. And because we’re even more aware that the world is a mix of good and bad, we balance our romantic optimism with a dash of street smarts.

So next time you chat with someone who once tried online dating, take it with a grain of salt. Online dating is a personally customized experience to begin with (someone who is active about contacting others might not get the same results as someone who isn’t) even today. But when you start talking about something that is a decade or more in the past, you’re truly talking about a different world.

I sat with my friend Mia, looking through the pictures she had on her laptop, choosing the best ones for her online dating profile.

“How about this one?” I asked. It was a picture of Mia at a wedding reception. She was laughing with two other bridesmaids. She looked natural and gorgeous, and her personality shone through.

She shook her head emphatically. “Nope. I can’t crop myself out well enough.”

“Maybe you could check with the other girls and see if they mind appearing on your profile,” I suggested.

She looked at me as though I had lost my mind. “I look terrible next to them!” she said. “I might look okay in a vacuum, but put me next to prettier people and it just emphasizes everything wrong with me.”

While I think Mia was being unreasonably insecure (she’s quite pretty), I can see her perspective. An online profile is all about letting the reader learn about you. You shouldn’t have to share the spotlight with anyone else. And, of course, you shouldn’t include anyone else’s picture without their permission. If Mia’s going to feel anxious over a simple photo, there’s no reason to include it and introduce additional stress.

On the other hand, while Mia’s profile may exist somewhat in a vacuum, her life will not. You can edit and omit anyone you feel is prettier from your profile, but go out anywhere in public, or even see a movie, and there’s bound to someone more attractive. If someone is going to be distracted by another attractive person on your profile, won’t they be similarly distracted in everyday life? And if so, is that the sort of person you want to attract and date?

Because we have absolute control over our online profiles - over the first impression we present - it can be tempting to attempt to exert such control over every other aspect of our lives. However, it’s a luxury we simply don’t have. As you write your profile, remember that you’re trying to find someone compatible with you in the real world - not the one you’ve constructed online.

If you're single, you probably have an idea in your head of the type of person you want to date. Maybe he's tall, or owns his own business, or enjoys biking and the outdoors, or likes to travel.

Since you've joined an online dating site however, you seem to be getting matched up with all the wrong types - or at least, people who don't seem to have the same interests or background as you do. They don't meet your requirements. If you are career-focused and want a successful man, perhaps you are matched with men who don't have a college education or who hold blue-collar jobs. Or maybe you love to travel but the people you get matched with haven't been outside the U.S.

Sure, it might be frustrating. Maybe you have no faith in the matching process. But to totally ignore the matches who aren't your "type" is a mistake.

While no matching technology is perfect, they don't focus primarily on what someone looks like or what they do for a living. They use a combination of factors that might lead to compatibility. It brings you outside your comfort zone to try dating people who aren't necessarily your type. And that's a good thing.

Sometimes interests that people share can be vague or misleading. Maybe a "love of travel" to one person means going to Vegas a few times a year, while to another it means a hiking trek in Southeast Asia.

When it comes to love, there are no rules to ensure compatibility and success. Love and attraction are intangibles, and often found in the most unlikely subjects. What if you won't date any guy under six feet, but the person who you would find most attractive is actually five foot six? What if the smartest man you'd meet started his own business but never finished college?

This point hit home the other night while I was watching the movie Think Like a Man. One of the female characters refused to date anyone who wasn't as successful as she was (she was head of a large media company). But she met a man who was between jobs, trying to become a chef, and ended up putting her expectations aside for a chance at real love.

Having expectations for your relationship is important. After all, you want to be respected and treated well. But having expectations for the "type" of man you wish to fall in love with isn't helpful. So maybe it's time to drop those visions of the "perfect" man, and start with meeting your matches, even if they seem incompatible. Keep an open mind. Because you never know when love will strike.

Do you get nervous on first dates? You're not alone. Most people aren't sure who exactly they're going to meet, what they'll have to talk about, or whether the date will be fun or horrible.

Of course, nobody can predict these things - dating involves risk-taking. We put ourselves out there without knowing what will happen, which takes courage, but is also a necessary part of the process of meeting potential love interests. We will have good dates and bad dates. Some will lead to relationships and others won't. So all the worry and analysis surrounding dating is counter-productive. As with everything in life, if it doesn't work out, keep moving forward.

Following are some tips to help ease your anxiety before a date:

It's just a date. Many people get wound up in all of the rules and advice thrown at them about dating and relationships. Maybe you've been told to not be so clingy or available. Or maybe you've been told to ask more questions instead of doing all the talking. Whatever the case, let go of all of the things you're "supposed" to do, and try to have a little fun. It's one night. It's just a date. So take a breath and let it happen.

Go someplace you like. There's no rule that says you have to meet someone for the first time at a coffee shop. If you want to get a hike or roller blading session in, then suggest it! Active dates often make it easier to have a conversation. And when you're doing something you want to do anyway, you'll have a better time no matter who you meet.

Stay positive. Sometimes we tend to talk ourselves out of things. Do you find your mind wandering on dates - asking yourself if he really likes you, if you look good, or what you should be saying or doing instead? Stop with all the questioning, self-criticism and negative chatter. People are attracted to all different types, so don't try to guess what your date wants, likes or needs. Instead, focus on the conversation and stay positive in who you are and what you want in a relationship. Often, what we want comes in a package we don't expect.

Keep an open mind. Do your friends try to talk you out of dating a certain kind of guy? Do you date only your "type" anyway? Then maybe it's time to take their advice and go outside your comfort zone. (Dating those same old types hasn't worked so far, has it?) Think about how you want to feel in a relationship instead of all the credentials your man must possess. A good income doesn't mean anything if he loses his job. And a tall man doesn't mean much when he treats you badly. Concentrate on how you want a relationship to make you feel, and then take it from there.

To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live...

We're all familiar with the famous wedding vows.

And we're all equally familiar with how hard it is to stick to them. Just look at the divorce rate - clearly honoring your vows is a heck of a lot harder than saying them. A recent poll from 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair found out exactly how challenging it is for spouses to stay true to their "I do's."

For women, these vows proved to be the most trying:

• For better or for worse (32%)
• To be faithful (25%)
• In sickness and in health (16%)
• For richer, for poorer (12%)

For men, the most difficult vows are:

• To be faithful (27%)
• For better or for worse (23%)
• For richer, for poorer (18%)
• In sickness and in health (17%)

And that's not all that 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair discovered about love.

They also found that, although most men and women would never betray their partners' trust, women are slightly more likely than men to sneak a peek at their spouse's e-mail.

The act of asking a father for his daughter's had in marriage is slowly on its way out. 45% think it's a necessary courtesy, but the rest consider it "gallant but unnecessary," "old-fashioned and embarrassing," or "sexist and offensive."

When it comes to the idea of love at first sight, unmarried couples are the most romantic. 66% of respondents in a relationship said they believe in the phenomenon, compared to 58% of married respondents and 48% of single respondents.

Where sex is concerned, the majority of people think it's "very important" (62%). Only a few think it's the "most important" aspect of a relationship (5%) or "not very important" (6%), with most falling somewhere in between at "somewhat important" (25%).

Thankfully, the in-law horror stories that are so popular in pop culture seem to largely be myths. The vast majority of couples think they get along well their spouses' families (71%). Only a few say "There's no love lost between us" (12%) and even fewer think the feelings differ depending on which side you ask.

No matter how much you love your partner, something about them is bound to drive you crazy. The most common coupled up complaints are:

• Sharing a bed (7%)
• Sharing a bathroom (13%)
• Doing household chores (16%)
• TV choices (36%)

But let's get real: if the toughest part of your marriage is deciding whether to watch basketball or American Idol, you've really got nothing to complain about.

Valentine's Day can be stressful, especially if you find yourself single and wanting a relationship. All the hearts, cards and flowers can be a little much, and you long for February 15th when everyone has moved on to something else.

But Valentine's Day isn't always the romantic utopia for couples you might envision. After all, many people who do have relationships find this day stressful in a different way. They wonder whether they should exchange gifts if they just started dating, or if they are expected to spend a lot of money on a fancy dinner they can't afford. So instead of celebrating (or stressing) about what to do or the lack of love in your life, remember that there's always time for that with a future relationship. This year, it's time to celebrate being single. Here's why:

The men you can meet. You can go with your other friends to a bar and guarantee yourself prime access to single men. All the taken ones are with their significant others on Valentine's Day, so have fun and circulate---the more people you meet the better.

Getting together with the girls. Not that we need an excuse, but Valentine's Day is the perfect time to get together with your single girlfriends and make a night of it. Book a table at a romantic restaurant and show the couples around you how much fun you can have, if you're feeling a little cheeky.

No pretending to like a gift. Remember your last boyfriend who gave you a graphic novel for Valentine's Day, thinking it was the height of romance? Well, you don't have to fake that you like it anymore. Instead, why not treat yourself to a piece of jewelry or candy that you actually do like?

Freedom to do what you want. Would you like to sit in your pajamas and watch movies all night? Or book a spa appointment to get a hot stone massage? Or maybe you want to head to a local winery and do some tastings with a friend. It doesn't matter, you can do whatever you want, without having to consult anyone. That's freedom.

Celebrate the end of your past relationships. Remember, you're not dating that guy anymore - the one you were with last Valentine's Day! Instead, you're moving on and meeting new men who are a better match for you. Your past is behind you, and you don't have to revisit it again. Isn't that a relief?

Happy Valentine's Day!