Relationships

Some online dating sites have a feature that can be downright unnerving: the ability to see who’s been viewing your profile. Seeing that someone has viewed your profile (but not, apparently, attempted to contact you in any way) can send a carousel of what-ifs coursing through your mind: “Why didn’t they decide to email me? What turned them off? Was it something specific on my profile?” It’s tempting to look over their profile in turn, analyzing where the incompatibility might lie - and if their profile is appealing, even more angst about what might have been can surface. Now imagine they’re coming back to view your profile more than once: an entirely new set of questions to ponder.

In truth, there’s likely way too much overanalyzing going on in this hypothetical situation. There are actually many reasons why someone might view your profile and not contact you right away, or view it more than once. For example: perhaps they viewed your profile the first time at work, or at a time that wasn’t conducive to sitting down and composing something thoughtful. They intend to write you later, but perhaps they get busy, or can’t find you again, or can’t remember your screen name. It’s unfortunate, but it’s certainly not due to any fault of yours.

Perhaps you piqued someone’s interest, but they were already focused on someone else. Later, they remember you, or come across your profile again. Just because someone decides not to contact you at this moment does not mean they are completely uninterested. And, while less common, there is even a possibility that they chose not to contact you because they felt you wouldn’t be interested in them.

However, analyzing these potential excuses is ultimately as effective as tying yourself in knots over negative what-ifs - meaning not effective at all. So what do we do? If you see someone’s been perusing your profile and you’re interested in what you see, don’t be afraid to do the contacting. Even if a quick email exchange or date ultimately reveals that you’re not compatible, it’s likely less stressful than tormenting yourself with imaginary scenarios. After all, isn’t it better to walk away satisfied in the knowledge that you’re not a good fit?

And, of course, there’s one other possibility: that your contacting could be the first step in a new relationship. Perhaps that nerve-wracking feature of that online dating site isn’t such a bad idea after all.

When you encounter a profile that piques your interest, it can feel like something akin to infatuation. You’re not really infatuated with the person - after all, you haven’t even met - but rather with the possibilities and “what ifs.” As such, it can be tempting to put everything on hold until you get a response. Why bother with contacting someone else when you’re not as excited about their profile? you might reason. You might not even want to leave your computer so you get the response as soon as possible.

As you might have guessed, this is all probably a bad idea, for several reasons.

First of all, while you might be sitting by the computer, you have no indication that the object of your interest is anywhere near one. Maybe they’re on vacation for two weeks. Maybe they only check their online dating email once a month. Maybe they’ve forgotten the password altogether. Maybe they’ve already found someone else.

Even if you can see that they’ve logged in since you sent your first-contact message, that doesn’t mean you’ll get a response immediately. Maybe, again, they’re seeing someone else and they feel strange chatting with someone new until they’ve sussed out the current potential. Perhaps they’re just not sure how they feel. Maybe they checked their messages on the fly and they’re waiting to respond until they’re alone later - or maybe they never will respond. Whatever the reason, you’ll only be putting yourself through agony by hovering.

Of course, there’s actually no reason you should put yourself through agony - because you’ve never met! While their profile may be interesting, that “spark” might not be there in person. Conversely, someone who’s not as fascinating in their profile might be incredible in person. Remember, you’re not looking to fall in love with a profile - you’re searching for love with a person. The profile tries to present a reasonable facsimile, but only an in-person meeting will reveal the real story.

So don’t “tie yourself down” to one possibility. Statistically, many of your emails will never get responses. Instead, don’t be afraid to contact those who interest you as you encounter them - and try not to become emotionally attached to any until you’ve met in person. Is it easy? Not always. But ultimately, what would you rather spend your energy on: a fantasy, or a real, blossoming romance? Why not save the fuel for the real thing?

The next time you sit down to peruse profiles, make a note about what specifically catches your eye, especially when it comes to the default pictures. In many cases, it’s likely the attractiveness of the person in the photo... but you might be surprised to learn that that’s not always the case.

Indeed, the default picture can be more than just a pretty face. It can be a clue into the interests and even the personality of the person behind the profile. For example, let’s say you’re interested in the arts. An attractive person might interest you as much as the next person, but someone with a musical instrument in the background, or in their dance gear, or posed in front of the local art museum might snag your attention just as effectively.

If you’re interested in sports or athletics, you might be drawn to the person whose picture was taken at a basketball game, or who’s wearing clothes supporting your favorite team. Maybe you’d even be subconsciously more drawn to someone wearing athletic clothing over someone dressed up for a night on the town.

Making notes about these kinds of trends can be useful in multiple ways. For one thing, you’re learning what works and what doesn’t, and you can apply these ideas to your own profile. Maybe your current default picture is what you consider the most flattering, but it’s also the most boring. Try choosing a picture that is a window into your personality, and see if your results change.

Additionally, becoming more aware of what attracts you can help you better figure out what you’re looking for, or even give you insight into why you’re not having success. Maybe you’ve sworn off party types, but you’re still finding yourself drawn to indications of that lifestyle. We can’t decide what to change or continue until we know exactly what we’re doing in the first place.

For many, a default picture is just a pretty face, a bland placeholder until you meet the actual person. And there’s nothing wrong with that - but putting just a little more thought into it could add an entirely new level to your online dating experience.

Are you recently divorced and ready to get back in the dating pool again? Or maybe you're sick of dating guys your own age, or getting hit on by older men. Either way, you find yourself more and more attracted to younger men - whether it's the college student who lives in your building or the young bartender who works down the block.

We've heard the term "cougar" and it conjures up images of desperate housewives looking for excitement. But often this is not the case - when two people meet, even if they don't seem a good match, sometimes the chemistry is there and you want to pursue it.

But what does dating a younger man really mean? And more importantly, can you both make it work?

First, I think it's important to establish the kind of relationship you are looking for. Some women aren't interested in a long-term relationship, especially if they have just been through a transition like divorce. If you're dipping your toe back in the dating pool and not looking for anything serious, then dating a younger man might be a great option.

If you're looking for marriage or commitment of some sort, and you tend to gravitate towards people who aren't, then you might want to re-think your strategy. While you find younger men appealing physically, and perhaps more fun to be around, are they really good relationship material? Chances are, if a man is in his twenties, he's less interested in commitment and more interested in checking out his options.

While obviously not all young men are the same, I think it's true that many are more interested in exploring what's out there before they commit to anyone in particular, especially an older woman. A young man might think an older woman is interested in getting married and perhaps even having children right away, regardless of whether or not it's true, and be a little scared of forming a real relationship.

I think there is a double standard when it comes to dating younger. If you're an older man dating a younger woman, it's generally more acceptable for the friends and family around you. However, there are still stigmas attached to women dating younger men. Don't let other people's attitudes determine who you date - it's up to you to discover what works for you.

I encourage people to date outside their normal "types" - so why not date a younger man? But I also caution you to know what you want in a relationship, and make sure you're both on the same page. Instead of assuming you know what each other might want, it's good to actually discuss, sooner rather than later. It will be better for both of you in the long run. You might be more in sync with each other than you think.

We all have a "type" that we're attracted to when we're dating. It follows that when we join an online dating site or two, we tend to search for this type by using filters - whether we look for a man or woman with a particular body type, profession, education level, or height. After all, if we could special-order the perfect date online, why not try it?

Unfortunately, this is a counter-productive habit to get into when you're online dating. When you try to choose someone with specific criteria, there's no guarantee you'll be a good match. Ironically, if you loosen those filters a bit and date outside your type likely you're more likely to find someone who clicks with you.

Let's take an example. You like tall men with dark hair. That's fantastic. Does that mean you filter out men who aren't at least six feet tall with brown hair? Or does that mean you just bypass matches with blonde hair or who are five foot eight, refusing to respond to their emails or take a look at their profiles?

It's a little silly to be so specific when it comes to dating. Just because there are a lot of people online dating, doesn't mean you will automatically fall in love with your idealized physical type, even if you pick her out of a hundred matches. In most cases, chemistry is something much more mysterious and elusive. And it's often found in the people we don't expect.

The same thing holds true for choosing based on other types - not just the physical aspects. Let's say you always pictured being married to an academic, Ivy-educated type. Or let's say you envisioned a future with an entrepreneur who owned a successful business. So you overlooked the online profiles of that chiropractor with an awesome sense of humor, or the police officer with a passion for art, two people you could have hit it off with.

Online dating makes meeting more people possible. Because of this, we also want to search until we find someone "perfect" in our eyes, which is actually just a false and idealized image we have carried with us in the past.

It's time to let go of your old types and make room for new love. The more open you are to meeting people, even if they don't fit what you've imagined for yourself, ironically, the happier you'll be in your dating life. You'll meet people who will surprise you, and give you a better idea of what you do want - and the things that are most important in a relationship. Like someone who "gets" you, who listens, who respects you, who pays attention.

It’s no secret that most people are using online dating sites to find love, not friendship. After all, there’s plenty of people with whom we could get along or be friends, but finding someone with whom we share chemistry is a little trickier. We’re going for love and romance, right?

Well, yes. But at the beginning of a relationship, it is entirely possible to overdo it - to try to move too quickly. We know that a marriage proposal on the first date is too much, too soon, and we know that we want to get a little more personal than a conversation about the weather. The right balance lies somewhere in the middle - but where?

First, the most important thing to remember is that every couple is different, because every person is different. Some might be thrilled with flowers on the first date, while some would feel claustrophobic. Making any large gestures before you really know your date is a gamble, to say the least.

With that being said, it’s best to proceed with caution until you actually get to know your date. On the first date, you’re sussing out whether there’s any mutual spark at all. After that, if there is, there’s still a getting-to-know-you phase. Luckily, you probably won’t have to worry about romance, because that’s a pretty exciting phase all by itself! With plenty of open communication and discovery, you won’t need a set of rules or a manual to figure out the level of romance appropriate to you.

Over time, the “romance” question will only get easier. You now know your partner loves flowers, but likes a home-cooked meal even more. Or maybe they show their feelings physically, or verbally. Whatever the case, you’re now comfortable enough to experiment with something silly or grand, but you can also probably predict the response before it even happens.

As you can see, the trickiest part of the romance question is at the very beginning of the relationship. Some people think they have to follow every corny suggestion they see in a book or card store - suggestions that, by the way, tend to be geared toward people who want to bring romance back into their relationship, not find it for the first time. So if you’re worried that your large declaration of love might be too much, erring on the side of caution may be the most prudent course of action - because as a relationship progresses, such questions only get easier.