Relationships

Everyone wants to make a great first impression with their online dating profile. Before you’ve even met in person, you’re letting the reader see some of your strengths. The impression they get from your profile will possibly influence their real first impression when you meet in person. However, there’s one important point to remember: you’re playing up your strengths, not writing out-and-out fiction.

Imagine you come across a profile of someone who should probably be called Susie Sunshine. Even though they aren’t the most successful, their confidence and positive attitude shine through. That’s really what stands out to you.

Then you meet in person, and it turns out Susie Sunshine is anything but. Far from the confident, positive outlook in the profile, she’s cynical, sarcastic and downright negative at times. She didn’t lie about any of the facts in her life, but she was able to spin them better on paper than she’s evidently able to see them herself. How does that make you feel?

Chances are, you walk away with a more negative opinion than you would have had if you’d met her without any preconceived notions. Even though there were no direct lies, the entire thing feels a little dishonest. Maybe she wasn’t really all that negative, objectively, but the contrast to the profile makes the difference stand out all the more.

So as you write your own online profile, make sure the “voice” isn’t something that’s completely different from who you are. More well-spoken? Sure thing - you’ve had time to edit and proofread, after all. Perhaps the “you” on a good day rather than one where you’re feeling down? Absolutely. Just like a date where you make sure your hair is combed and you’re dressed nicely, a profile is a polished version of you. But there’s the key word - it’s polished, but it’s still you. Would you be recognizable in person?

The scenario: you've been dating your boyfriend for a few months and things are going pretty well. You're really attracted to him and both of you have a lot of fun together. But as you continue to date, the differences between you are becoming more noticeable, and also more frustrating to both of you.

Maybe he's very conservative or religious and you consider yourself a free spirit who likes to shake things up. Does he insist you come to church or temple with him, even though you prefer to spend your weekend mornings hiking? Or perhaps you're very organized and ambitious while he would rather sit on the couch and play his Xbox all weekend. Do you nag him to do something productive, like help you plant a garden or write that screenplay he keeps talking about doing in his spare time? Do you find yourself getting increasingly annoyed and disappointed in your differences?

Everyone has a different approach to life - some like to roll with the tide and don't make a lot of plans, preferring spontaneity to structure. Others are ambitious or driven and spend a lot of time working or doing projects in their spare time to achieve their goals. Some are active and outdoor enthusiasts while others enjoy a five star hotel with a spa.

It's only natural that you and your significant other will run into issues when you don't see eye to eye. But that doesn't mean your relationship is headed for disaster. It simply means that you must communicate what you're feeling and try to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

For example, if you spend most of your weekend working or keeping yourself busy while your boyfriend is playing video games, maybe it's time to stop and reassess how you are spending your time. Life requires some balance. And while you are happier when you're productive, maybe you can spend some time relaxing in front of the television, too. When you take small steps towards compromise then your partner is more willing to take those same steps in your direction.

And if there's no hope for meeting in the middle? Maybe you both can allot time for the other to pursue what is most important. For instance, if your boyfriend is religious and wants to go to services every week, allow him to be more active in the church on his own. Or if you love hiking make plans to go with your friends who love it as well, instead of forcing your boyfriend to go when he'd rather play tennis. It's good to have your own activities and friendships around those activities, separate from your significant other. It helps your relationship to grow.

Just because you aren't compatible in some ways doesn't mean your relationship won't work. Just remember the most important thing you both can do for each other: communicate.

“I’m having issues deciding which picture to use for my profile,” Amy said. She showed me a few options. Instead of the usual smiling face I’d seen on her social media pages, each of these options had the same pouty “duck face.”

“You’re making the same exact face in each one,” I observed.

“I know,” she sighed. “I just don’t know how to be... alluring. That’s the best I could come up with.”

“Hmm,” I said. “I know it’s counterintuitive, but I’m not sure alluring is what you should be going for here.”

Many people have the same instinct as Amy; they think that since they’re looking for someone with whom to have a physical relationship, they should emphasize that aspect of themselves. However, taking that path means you run the risk of miscommunication.

Think about it this way: almost everyone on an online dating website is there for a relationship that includes all the physical aspects. It pretty much goes without saying. However, many people are not on a dating site for the sole purpose of a physical relationship; they want to connect on an emotional and intellectual level, too. Physical compatibility - chemistry - is really only best determined in person anyway, so why waste the valuable space trying to make a facsimile? Instead, focusing on other aspects of your personality let the reader grow intrigued by your personality in addition to your appearance.

Just like everything else, what is “alluring” is quite subjective and subject to context. Amy’s pouty face might be attractive when she’s with someone with whom she shares chemistry, but it might look silly in the cold light of day. When men miss the “smoldering” mark it can look more like “scary.” A smile, on the other hand, is a more universal language, no matter what context.

Additionally, focusing too much on the physical might send the message that that’s all you’re looking for. If Amy had posted only her “duck-face” photos and concentrated on being “alluring,” chances are she would have received a bunch of messages from those looking for fast hookups. While that’s not a terrible thing, it’s not what Amy’s looking for - and now she might have a more difficult time attracting the attention of those who are looking for something long-term and deeper.

Instead of going for a physical response, try thinking about making the reader smile. Whether it’s a goofy photo, a silly anecdote, or a passionate paragraph about something you love, a smiling reader is already thinking more warmly about you. And that, in turn, gives you a boost when it comes to decisions like responding to emails or making a first date.

If Amy had published her “duck-face” photos, she would have been obscuring the real Amy, the one that would greet her date at her first meeting and most days thereafter. Don’t get so caught up in trying to appear attractive in one context that you actually mask the more attractive you.

Online dating has many benefits: the ability to fit your schedule, the ability to peruse profiles without having to outright reject every one you look at, the ability to meet people outside your personal sphere, and more. However, there’s one fact that’s easy to forget: the internet is only the primary mode of communication when you’re first finding each other and setting up a date. Should you actually enter a relationship, the internet will probably not be the primary mode of communication anymore.

There are a few potential ramifications from this statement. For example, some people might be relieved; they’re more comfortable communicating in person, and having to type (or maybe talk on the phone) makes them cringe. Others place all their emphasis on having a great profile, but never consider what they’ll do once they’re on their first date. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; however, if your strength is expressing yourself through writing, you’ll still have to eventually learn people skills as well. But don’t lose heart! For many, interacting online first eases their nerves when they finally do meet.

It’s easy to think all about yourself and your own strengths and weaknesses, but what about those of the people you’re gearing up to meet? They’ll have their own. I once heard a man say, “I go through checkpoints with dates. If we hit it off through text message, and then a phone conversation, I’ll meet her in person. If not, I won’t waste my time.” The problem with his “checkpoint” plan is that not everyone is adept at every form of communication. Why end things before the in-person date, when the object is to find someone with whom you get along in person?

As you peruse online dating sites, think about strengths and weaknesses in communication - yours and those of others. If you’re particularly weak at, say, talking on the phone, be open and honest about it. If you’re a bit shy in person and need a bit of laughter to come out of your shell, don’t be afraid to come prepared with something funny to discuss - or ask your date to come armed with jokes! And don’t forget to extend the same courtesy to your potential dates; you’re not the only one fretting about making the best first impression! As with most things, mutual consideration and honest communication can potentially overcome your weaknesses - and get a relationship started on the right foot.

First dates can be nerve-wracking. It's easy to psych yourself out, or question whether you'll have a good time or if he'll be attracted to you. While you might try to solve this by obsessing over what pants to wear or how to style your hair, do yourself a favor and step back for a second.

Instead of talking yourself through the date - what you'll wear or say or do - try instead to distract yourself. It's easier to go with the flow and be truly present on a date when you're not obsessing over whether or not you'll like him or he'll like you.

Following are some tips to help you better prepare for a first date - by not thinking about it:

Make pre-date plans. If you're meeting him for a drink, ask your friend to stop by an art gallery or go to a comedy club beforehand. Pick something that you find interesting. You'll be distracted by the event and getting to hang out with your friend. And you'll also have something interesting to talk about on your date.

Be productive at work. If you have a date in the evening, make sure you take on that to do list during the day. The more tasks you complete, the less distracted you'll be on the date and the better you'll feel about not answering your cell phone or sending your boss a text. There's nothing more attractive to a date than your undivided attention.

Plan the weekend anyway. If you're going out on a Wednesday night, make plans with your friends for the following Friday and Saturday nights, so you have something to look forward to regardless of how the date goes. I've seen too many women reserve their weekends in the hopes of things going amazingly well on that first date. Don't fall into this trap. If your date is amazing, then you can make more plans - after the date.

Exercise. For me, hiking and biking are great ways to de-stress and helped me to release those pre-date anxieties. When your body moves, it releases stress and helps you to relax. So run around your neighborhood or lift some weights to get your mind off your date.

Listen to music. When you're getting ready, the last thing you need is a silent house where your mind can race. This is a great time to crank up the volume on your iTunes or Pandora account. Music releases stress and helps put you in a good, relaxed mood in time for your date.

Are you frustrated because you can't seem to get from emailing your online matches to actually meeting them? You're not alone. Many online daters have been frustrated with these sometimes lengthy back-and-forth communications with their matches, anxious to get together in person. But you don't have to wait around to be asked out. You can change things.

Following are a few suggestions if you find yourself in this situation over and over again:

Know your website! Online dating sites operate differently when it comes to communicating with members. Some require you to pay a fee to email even though it's a "free" site, which causes some people to drop off. This can delay meeting potential matches. Other websites have a lengthy process of answering a certain number of questions before actually being able to email or exchange contact information to set up a date. If you become frustrated before you start dating, it's not going to make for a good online dating experience!

Don't pay attention to all the rules. Maybe you've heard advice like, "you have to talk on the phone before you meet someone," or "don't agree to go out with him right away." When you're online dating, you snooze, you lose. People move on quickly, so don't get too hung up on getting a response to that one email you sent. Communicate with several people at once, and see who wants to go out, even if it's just for coffee. There's no need to be shy, and no need to date one person at a time.

The sooner you can take things offline, the better for both of you. The only way you really know if someone is right for you is how you feel around each other when you're together (which you can't assess over email, no matter how eloquent your date is). You don't want to get emotionally invested in an email relationship. Don't waste time on the phone or crafting long emails when you could be sharing the same information over a couple of glasses of wine.

Pay attention to red flags. If he delays meeting you and keeps making up excuses to cancel or put things off, this is a giant red flag that maybe he isn't who he says he is. I understand that people are busy and have to cancel from time to time, but if it's a regular occurrence then there's something else going on. It's a sign to move on.

Bottom line: Ask him out! There's no time like the present to meet your online matches and see who clicks.