Relationships

When it comes to online dating, you only get one chance to make a good virtual first impression. Members scroll through matches at a pretty rapid pace, so it's important to make yourself stand out from the crowd. (But not in a bad way!)

Pictures are important, but equally as important - and often completely overlooked or discounted - is the impression you make with your username. A great username captures attention, is memorable, and reflects who you are, at least in some way. But too often, we are afraid to be too creative or we want to pretend to be something we're not, so the username is the first to suffer the consequences.

If you're looking for a good username but are a little stuck creatively, don't worry. Use these guidelines and you'll come up with something great:

Don't go generic. While Carl1021 may not be taken, it's also not likely to create a lasting impression. Using your real name is fine, but instead of adding numbers (in this case, a birth date) that can be easily forgotten or transposed (Carl2010?), try something a little more creative. "VeganChefCarl" is much more likely to get you noticed. Try something that plays to your personality instead.

Refrain from alluding to sex. I'm not sure why this is, but many men on online dating sites make vague references (or in some cases, very explicit) to sex or sexual preferences. Please don't do this - these are women you don't know and your friend can't vouch for you to total strangers. Besides, it makes you really unattractive. "KeepYouUpAllNight" is probably not the best way to go. Have a little class.

Don't brag. It's nice to be confident, but you'll come across as arrogant if you turn your username into a selling tool. "BillionaireEntrepreneur" isn't going to win you any fans, and neither is "AbsOfSteelStan." Stick to more realistic (and less arrogant) descriptions. Don't brag about looks or income.

Tie it in with a picture. I advise people to always include an "active" photo - one that shows you doing something, instead of just smiling at the camera. Do you play guitar? Rock climb? Sail or kayak? Think about what it is you love to do, and convey this in your profile with both pictures and words. Then choose your username as a tie-in, (i.e. "DenverMountainBiker"). This helps create a distinct impression for those flipping through profiles.

Keep it real, not romantic. While I'm sure every girl at some point wants her "KnightInShiningArmor" to come along, don't advertise yourself this way. "YourDreamMan" isn't so hot, either. Let us women have the romantic ideas, and you stick to who you are. Don't try to sell us with how wonderful you'd be in a relationship, especially when you're advertising it to thousands of other women. Woo us individually, and choose another username.

You and your spouse have split up. You took some time to yourself, and now you're ready to dip your toe back into the dating pool. Maybe you even have someone special in mind.

But you're nervous. It's been a long time since you last played the dating game, and you're worried you might have forgotten some of the rules. It's ok if you feel a little out of your depth right now. You aren't the first person to have to navigate dating after divorce, and you certainly won't be the last.

What you need is a refresher course, a few short lessons on the dos and don'ts of dating to get you back on your feet. Let's start with the don'ts:

1. Don't be afraid of judgment. Are you that person who orders a salad for dinner because you're afraid of what your date will think if you order the steak? Order that steak and stop worrying about it. If a steak-eater is who you really are, that's the person your date should meet. It doesn't do either of you any good to pretend to be someone you're not.
2. Don't stay glued to your smartphone. Emergency calls get a pass, but all other communication can wait. What good is a date if you spend half of it texting your friends and the other half live tweeting about the date's progress? Put the phone away or don't bother leaving home in the first place.
3. Don't get lost in the past. You will be tempted to compare your date to your ex. Resist the temptation. Leave the past in the past, and focus on the exciting future that could be in front of you.
4. And speaking of exes...don't make them the main topic of your dinner conversation. You're moving on, so sound like you're actually ready to do so. Nothing says "needy," "unstable," or "not over the past" like rambling on and on about your ex. There may be things that need to be said about your previous relationships, but the first date is not the time to say them. Save those conversations for later on.
5. Don't rush. You may still be feeling vulnerable at this point. You may find yourself longing to be in a relationship again, and that may make you take steps you're not yet ready to take. There's no hurry. Don't enter a first date expecting anything more than an entertaining evening. The future can wait.\

And most importantly...don't be too hard on yourself. It will all fall into place if you stay focused on learning about yourself, meeting new people, and having fun.

In online dating, rejection is brought up frequently. After all, online dating sites are full of potential matches, but not all of them result in a date; rejection is an inevitability, right?

Well, perhaps - if you choose to see what’s happening as rejection. In truth, rejection in online dating is often as mild as it can possibly be; in those cases, you might be better off asking yourself if you choose to think of it as rejection at all.

A commonly-heard tale in online dating is: “I saw the profile of someone who seemed nice and like there might be potential. There wasn’t anything about the profile that threw me off, or the emails. In person, my date was completely pleasant, but there wasn’t really anything there, not even a hint of a spark. I really wish this person all the best, though, they were quite nice.”

In an ideal world, the lack of a spark would be felt by both parties and they would move on, amicably. However, more often, one person has to be the first one to say “I don’t think this is going anywhere.” And the other person - even if they agree! - feels rejected.

But should they? Imagine you’re trying on shoes at the store. If one doesn’t fit, should the shoe be insulted? Absolutely not - and someone with a foot that’s not too big will come along in time. The vast majority of “rejections” in online dating are of the “shoe-doesn’t-fit” variety; just because two specific people aren’t right for each other doesn’t mean either is unfit for anyone else.

Further, by viewing yourself as “rejected,” you’re actually doing a disservice to yourself. By waiting for the “go-ahead” from your date, you’re not taking the responsibility to assess the time you had together and view it objectively. It’s easy to say “Oh, I’m always saying yes, but everyone else is saying no.” It’s more difficult to say “I don’t think I’m seeking out the right kind of people” or “This person is nice and I want to say I’m in a relationship, but if I’m being honest I’d just be biding my time until I met someone I clicked with more.”

So as you peruse profiles, send off emails and go on dates, try to view the results with a more critical eye. Instead of waiting for acceptance or rejection, understand that you’re just waiting to see if the shoe fits. Furthermore, remember you’re looking for the best match for you; it’s not a crime to recognize that the fit is off for you too.

Most of us are addicted to our phones. We check emails, Facebook, Twitter, and texts, even when we're in the middle of doing something else, something that requires our attention. We love being so easily accessible, and let's face it - smartphones have helped us in so many ways, thanks to their GPS capabilities and apps that can do anything from booking a taxi to informing you when and where your next meeting will be.

But technology can have a down side, too. It can be very distracting to have your phone beside you, always ready to be interrupted. When you are with your friends, you likely spend as much time on your phone as you do actually talking to them.

So what does this mean for your relationships?

While your online social life might be thriving, you could be hurting your real social life. When your phone is a constant presence, and you'll drop everything to look at it when you hear a text message come through, you're not giving full attention to the people you're with.

This is especially true when you're dating. How many times have you been on a date and placed your phone on the table, just in case you get an important call or text? Or maybe you have it with you because it gives you a sense of security - a way out of the date when you need it. But this practice can work against you.

According to a recent study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, just the presence of your mobile phone can stifle a budding relationship. According to researchers, while the presence of cell phones doesn't affect casual conversation much, they do affect how people perceive their dates. If it looks like you could take a call from someone else at any minute, your date is less likely to trust or empathize with you.

The key to connection in dating is for each person to feel important, respected, and heard. This really isn't possible when there's distraction looming throughout the date. Even if your cellphone never rings, its mere presence can make your date feel less comfortable and less likely to share intimate or meaningful conversation.

If you do need to keep your phone by your side, whether it's because of a potential work or family emergency, then perhaps you can reschedule the date. If you don't reschedule, then I suggest keeping your phone in your pocket or purse and then excusing yourself every so often to check it (please do this outside or away from your date).

Your phone is a great resource, but don't let it replace real-life interactions.

One of the issues that causes the most anxiety for singles, especially on first dates, is silence. You don't know the person, and you don't have any shared history to reflect on. So what can you talk about? What can you ask to get to know them without interrogating or offending? And what if they don't laugh at your jokes? Trying to connect with someone face-to-face isn't so easy.

It's stressful to think of clever things to say for a full thirty minutes (or more if it isn't a coffee date). If you're ever at a loss for words, you're not alone. The good thing is, your date is probably thinking about what to say, too.

Instead of feeling stressed, following are some tips to help you with conversation on your next date.

Choose an active date. First dates can be nerve-wracking, and it doubles the pressure to sit across from a virtual stranger, trying to be entertaining. Instead of meeting for coffee or drinks, try something active. Walk your dogs together in the park. Go roller skating. Go on a hike. You get the picture - doing something together (as opposed to just sitting) helps move the conversation along, and releases pent-up energy from nerves.

Ask about a passion. Does your date love sailing, or writing, or fixing bikes? Aside from work, most people have passions - hobbies or interests that they pursue just because they love doing them. When you tap into someone's passion, you can see what motivates them, which is always attractive.

Talk about travel. Travel figures prominently into many people's interests and history, whether they moved around a lot as children, or they take trips to Vegas every year, or they've scoured the globe scuba diving. Ask about his/her favorite trip, or where she/ he would like to go next, and why.

Share stories. Even if you're not a storyteller, everyone has a memory of the most embarrassing thing to happen to them, the bravest thing they've ever done, or the best birthday they ever had. Ask about one of these intimate moments, or share your own, and you'll get your date reflecting and sharing.

Avoid getting too personal. Don't talk about your ex or ask your date about hers. Same thing with oversharing. Your date doesn't need to know that your brother and Mom haven't spoken for fifteen years. Nor does she need to know that you never thought you'd be online dating because you thought you'd have a girlfriend by now. Some things can wait until you've built a level of trust.

Remember, dating is a process of getting to know someone, so relax and don't be afraid of silence.

If you're in your early twenties, chances are you've never been asked out on a real date. If you're wondering what I mean by that, you're probably already well into your thirties.

Many twenty-somethings (and probably a few thirty-somethings) are less inclined to form long-term romantic relationships, and therefore don't pursue dating in a get-to-know-you-over-dinner sense. They are skipping all the small talk over coffee and instead hooking up, preferring no emotional attachment in their busy and fast-paced lives.

But is this practice actually hurting them emotionally and socially?

Dating is hard. I get that. Whether you're sifting through online dating profiles, getting the courage up to approach that guy in front of you in the line at Starbucks, or figuring out whether to text someone an hour or a day after he texts you can all be a bit much. Maybe you think to yourself, why bother at all with pursuing a relationship? I'm perfectly happy getting what I need physically without all the emotional drama.

There's nothing wrong with playing the field, especially when you're young. But while I'd like to say that this practice helps you have healthier, more mature relationships in the future, I'm afraid it just makes it harder. Think about it - if you lack the skills or courage to be honest with someone face to face - to ask her out, or to tell him how you really feel, or fall in love and then get over a break-up, then you will have a hard time connecting with others on an emotional level. And what does this mean for your romantic relationships?

Fear is something that we all need to conquer in our love lives. Wouldn't it be nice if every relationship came with a guarantee - that it would last or that you wouldn't be hurt by it? Sadly, this is not reality. But by conquering those fears - of abandonment, or of being hurt, it's easier to find and accept love in your life, instead of continually pushing it to the sidelines.

While I realize love and relationships aren't always on the agenda while you're in your twenties, it's an excellent time to learn about connecting with others romantically. I'm not talking about commitment, but about learning how to take care of your own emotions. It's about preparing yourself for when you do want a relationship, so you're not starting from the beginning.

So, first things first. Ask someone out on a date. It doesn't have to be involved like a dinner, but a simple coffee or drinks date, where you're sitting in front of each other having a conversation, with no expectations. If you have a good time, make plans to do it again (without the hookup). This doesn't mean you're looking for a relationship with the person. It's about having the courage to try and connect with someone. It's about learning how to date, how to get to know someone, not about hooking up.