Relationships

In general, handling “rejection” in online dating is considerably easier than in person. Most of the time, you’ll get a “thanks but no thanks” from someone you’ve never met in person and hopefully haven’t spent too much time thinking about. Maybe you’ll get no response at all, which can be frustrating, but not particularly painful. No one likes rejection, but as far as stings go, these are fairly minor ones.

But alas, the online dating world is no more perfect than the real one, and there are people who are, well, jerks. Maybe someone is hurt about the state of their own romantic life and is lashing out at others; maybe someone is trying to build their own self-esteem by cutting down others, like a schoolyard bully. Almost everyone has encountered at least one cruel message, whether it was in response to a first-contact email, a “thanks but not thanks” rejection, or a message that popped up out of the blue.

“Wow, you must really think you’re pretty. Trust me, you can’t afford to be this picky,” one reads. Another: “Um, try dating someone your own age.” Whether they’re hurtful comments disguised as “helpful advice” or just random hateful words, those are the sort of messages that do sting. If you receive one of these messages yourself, here are a few things to bear in mind:

First, you are, unfortunately, not the first or only one to receive such a message. Just like any random act of spite, you didn’t do anything to bring this upon you; if someone is looking to lash out they’re not paying attention to who it actually is. If someone is heaping vitriol upon you because you let them down nicely, that’s their problem, not yours. And because it is a mostly random act, there’s likely no truth to the message, either, so try to put the content out of your mind, difficult as it may be.

If the message is extremely inflammatory - using abusive language, hate speech, or making threats - check with your online dating site to see how you can go about reporting it. A snide remark is mostly harmless, but most sites take the safety of their customers seriously, and anything beyond the norm should be brought to the attention of the site.

Whatever you do, don’t respond to the message. It can be tempting, especially if, say, something about your appearance is being targeted and they’re no looker themselves. But your reaction only feeds into the negative attention they’re seeking. Even if you had sent the first-contact email and thus feel like you “started it,” don’t reward the troll with an argument, even if it’s scathing and well-thought.

Remember that, just like in the real world, the attention-seekers are in the minority; they’re relatively few and far between. Don’t let a bad apple or two put you off dating altogether. Navigating a few trolls is but a distraction on your quest to find love.

For many, online dating sites open up a world that was previously far more difficult to access. Consider, for example, the person who works the night shift; they don’t keep conventional hours, and when they make a rare appearance in the middle of the day, they’re bleary-eyed and thinking of sleep more than romance. Or perhaps the person whose co-workers are all married or in their sixties, when they themselves are in their mid-twenties. Online dating provides opportunities to meet people they wouldn’t have otherwise.

But not everyone lives cut off from available single peers; other people turn to online dating because they’re dissatisfied with the local dating scene, or they have niche interests. Maybe they just like the aspect of being able to express themselves through writing, or ensure that they’re making a good first impression. For these people, online dating sites are a tool to add to their arsenal, but they’re not necessarily their primary option.

However, it can be easy to forget that other options exist besides online dating - and then you run the risk of limiting yourself even more. That’s what happened to “Carrie,” a friend. “I was going out on dates, and things were going well, so I stopped thinking about ‘finding a date’ as much,” she told me. “Then I started developing bad habits without even realizing it.”

“I was compartmentalizing ‘dating’ me and ‘don’t need to worry about dating’ me. I had my pre-established time that I would sit down and write emails and make plans, and the rest of the time I just didn’t think about it. There were some upsides; I was less stressed about that stuff. But if I wasn’t headed out on a date, I didn’t think about how I looked at all. I went to the grocery store in my pajamas more than I want to admit.

“On the one hand, it might’ve been this sort of ‘don’t care’ confidence that actually made me more attractive; there’s a co-worker - I thought he was cute when he first started here but he was seeing someone, and then I got into online dating. Anyway, I didn’t notice when his relationship ended. I didn’t notice when he became interested in me. I didn’t even notice he was flirting with me! Someone had to point it out, like high school! So we’ve been dating for a little while now, and he said I had just seemed so uninterested, he was actually about to give up. I wasn’t uninterested at all - I just wasn’t thinking about dating!”

Carrie’s tale might be a little extreme - how many people can literally turn their romance radar off? - but it makes a good point: while online dating provides a fantastic way to meet new people, that doesn’t mean we stop meeting new people in our everyday lives. For some, it might be healthier to view online dating as just another opportunity out of many; after all, who knows how your story will unfold?

Admittedly, many women have spent way too much time with the wrong man at least once in our lives. If we really want a relationship to work, we will make all kinds of justifications and excuses for a man's behavior - just because we don't want to leave. Unfortunately, this prolongs our unhappiness and delays us in meeting the right man.

Have you ever waited for a man to change? Did you invest in the relationship even when you saw it wasn't working? What was it that made you stay? These might not seem like simple questions to answer, but chances are there's a reason you didn't want to leave.

Following are some reasons you might be staying too long with the wrong man:

You don't want to be alone. Being single is a scary thought, especially if you're used to being in a relationship. If you worry about being alone, then it's important to spend time doing exactly that. One thing you might remind yourself of: it's more lonely to feel alone in a relationship than it is to be single.

He seems like such a great guy. Maybe he checks off a lot of boxes on your "must-have" list. Maybe he's incredibly gorgeous, or charismatic, or a million other attractive things. But if he's not willing to commit after years of dating, or he doesn't treat you with respect, or he avoids having a serious conversation about where the two of you are headed (or about anything else for that matter), he's likely not going to change.

You have incredible chemistry. When you are together, it's like time stops. The chemistry is almost palpable there's so much heat, and you really enjoy each other's company. But then he'll go weeks without calling or seeing you. No matter how awesome he is, or how much he makes you laugh, if he's not there when it counts or is not invested in the relationship, then it's only going to hurt you to keep things going. And he might have someone else on the side.

You keep thinking he'll change. Maybe you've broken up with him a few times, but he keeps coming back, saying he's changed. So you give him another chance, only to be disappointed. It's time to stop taking his word for it and take care of yourself for a change. If a man hasn't shown you that he's really changed, then he probably hasn't.

You are avoiding real intimacy. This might be difficult to hear, but some women stay in a relationship that isn't working because they can avoid true intimacy. It's scary to show who you really are to someone else - it takes complete trust with no guarantees. If you're with someone because he doesn't ask a lot of you, or you don't have to reveal yourself too deeply, then you're missing out. Great relationships are built on this kind of trust in the vulnerability of our partners.

If I asked what you think the secret to a happy marriage is, what would you say?

Communication?

Date nights?

Spontaneity?

Thoughtfulness?

Respect?

Acceptance?

They're all good answers, but a new study suggests that the real answer might be something you weren't expecting: online dating.

Didn't see that one coming, did you? (Ok, sure, if you read the title you did...but humor me.)

The Internet has forever changed the way people communicate, work, play, create, and date. 1/3 of American couples now meet their partners online, through email, dating sites, and social networks.

In a survey study of more than 19,000 Americans who married between 2005 and 2012, 5% divorced, 2% separated, and 92% remained married. The couples observed were generally representative of the population, but a few demographics showed a particular inclination towards online dating:

• Men
• People in their 30s and 40s
• Hispanics
• People who are employed
• People with higher socioeconomic statuses

Even after accounting for the differences between subjects, the study drew two primary conclusions. The first will surprise no one: the popularity of online dating has increased across every segment of American society. The second comes as more of a shock: marriages that began online were found to be longer lasting and more satisfying for couples.

Lead author of the study John Cacioppo, a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, explains the findings by saying dating sites may "attract people who are serious about getting married."

A sociologist, Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University, backs up Cacioppo's findings. In his own research, he found that "couples who meet online are more likely to progress to marriage than couples who meet in other ways."

But the study is not without its critics. "It's a very impressive study," says social psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University. "But it was paid for by somebody with a horse in the race and conducted by an organization that might have an incentive to tell this story."

That's right - the study was commissioned by eHarmony, which shelled out $130,000 to pay for the research. Cacioppo has also been a member of eHarmony's Scientific Advisory Board since it was created in 2007.

Is it intriguing research? Yes. But does that sound like a major conflict of interest? Absolutely.

Sure, online dating is a great way to meet a partner with high levels of compatibility and real marriage potential. But is online dating better than offline dating? Survey says: inconclusive.

We've all heard the term "gold digger," but how many of you have ever dated one? If you're nodding your head and smiling at my question, you're not alone, I promise.

I have a friend who complains constantly of dating women he refers to as "takers." According to him, they want (and ask for) everything - dinner at fancy restaurants, luxury vacations, someone who will pay down their credit card debt. You name it, he has been asked to provide. When I offered to set him up with a friend of mine, he shook his head, saying he just couldn't date another gold digger, even though he'd never met her. He just assumed she'd be the same.

Now, he is not extremely wealthy, but he has some financial success. Enough to take his dates out to nice restaurants, buy them gifts, and when things go well, take them on trips to Mexico or Hawaii. But here's the problem: they keep asking and he keeps giving. He feels like this is a romantic gesture, a form of wooing.

The truth is, he hasn't set any boundaries for himself and the women he dates. He keeps saying yes to their demands, thinking that all women are like this. He just assumes all of his dates want something from him. No wonder he's completely turned off.

This idea of "takers" doesn't only apply to women looking to be wined and dined. There are plenty of men who are "takers" as well - financial and emotional drains. Perhaps you've dated a man who was perpetually unemployed, who relied on you for housing, money, or other things to meet his needs? This is another form of taking.

When someone takes, there is an unequal balance in the relationship. Relationships aren't balanced 100% of the time - they go back and forth, with each person relying on the other at different times for support. When one side does all the giving and it goes on indefinitely, then the relationship not going to last. Neither side is going to feel happy and fulfilled. Both sides end up resentful.

Instead of blaming others, (because you can't control anybody else's behavior, only your own), try looking at what you can do. It's up to you to set your own boundaries and decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with, as well as what you expect from a relationship.

Instead of offering to pay for so much, try planning dates that aren't so expensive. Take a picnic to the park. Make a home-cooked meal. Do things that show gestures of love and effort rather than expense and see how she/ he responds. Then see if they return the favor and start taking you out, too.

There's no need to feel taken advantage of in dating. The key is, set your own boundaries and stick to them.

When considering online dating, it’s likely you’ll hear more than a few misconceptions and cynical statements. Here’s one that might pop up: “Online dating? Ugh, I’m not that desperate.”

It’s true that online dating sites aren’t necessarily the first place the kids go to find their first true love (though who knows if that will be the case in the future). However, for many the online dating scene is far from desperate. In fact, some might consider it the smarter way to date.

Imagine yourself as a teen, before your first relationship, when romance was a dim possibility in the future. If pressed, you might have had some vague notion of a “dream match” - probably attractive, funny, all the usual traits - but you didn’t really know what you wanted or needed. After all, you didn’t really know who you were, yet.

After you’d tested the waters - through dating or relationships, getting to know different types of people through school and work, heck, just existing yourself and growing into an adult - that vague picture has filled in a bit with details. Sure, you want to keep your options somewhat open because you never know who might shape your perception, but chances are by this point you’ve got a pretty good idea of at least who you don’t want.

Online dating sites are full of people like you. They might not have the wide-eyed optimism of first love, but they’re probably not as blindly driven by their hormones as they once were, either. If they’re looking for a long-term relationship, chances are they’ve got a slightly better idea of what makes one work. If they’re not the type for something long-term, they’ve figured that already.

Additionally, they’ve all filled out profiles, just like you. Though some obviously give this process more thought than others, the act of writing a profile is a little bit of soul-searching - you have to figure out who you are in order to learn how best to present yourself. By editing red flags in your writing, you’re revealing the ones in your thought processes. That extra bit of self-awareness can only be good.

So don’t think of online dating as a place of last resort. Instead, see it for what it is: a place for adults, for those who’ve colored in their dreams - and intend to find the realistic counterpart.