Relationships

We’ve all seen it in movies: the couple that starts out as fiery opposites. They trade insults along with witty banter. The attraction builds, along with the tension, until it just can’t be denied; a passionate argument turns into something quite different.

Though it’s a common tale on TV and in novels, it’s not something that you encounter quite as much in real life. And of all the romance-novel scenarios, it’s one that would be exceedingly difficult to recreate utilizing an online dating site. But that doesn’t stop some from trying.

Usually an inflammatory or abusive first-contact email is easy to spot, but what about the ones with backhanded compliments or downright insults? Though it may seem unlikely, they are known to surface. “Sarah” tells me: “I’ve gotten emails that insult my favorite movie, my favorite books, even the choice of clothes I wear in my pictures. Oh, and there was the one guy who told me that since I have one cat at my age, I’m already headed down the slippery slope to becoming a crazy cat lady.”

It’s unclear why someone would go through the trouble of sending a semi-legitimate email, only to criticize or ridicule. In fact, the reasons are probably as varied as the emails themselves. There are a few possibilities, though:

One is the concept of “negging” - insulting an attractive person to “take them down a few notches” and therefore make them more vulnerable. It began as a technique used by self-proclaimed “pick-up artists,” but over the years it’s become increasingly mainstream (and it can come from either gender, too).

Another is the “opposites attract” theory - not that someone is literally trying to recreate a scene from a movie, but perhaps that’s the only way they know how to communicate with someone they’re attracted to. Picture children who tease, shove or pull the hair of the little boy or girl they like, and add thirty-plus years to the picture. Also in the “stunted” category, there’s the possibility that the emailer doesn’t even realize they’re being overly critical or cruel - they might think they’re starting up a healthy debate or trying to be funny.

Then, of course, there’s the possibility that someone’s simply being mean for the sake of being mean. They may be few and far between, but they do exist.

Whether or not the writer of such emails realizes they’re out of line, chances are the root cause is more than you ought to have to deal with. The easiest, and cleanest, option is to ignore the email - engaging them might cause more trouble, especially if they’re being purposely inflammatory. If you absolutely feel you must respond, a stiff letter in which you state you’re not interested in games or defending yourself might do the trick - but write at your own peril.

Remember, everyone gets such emails from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you need to fall into the trap of being upset by them. Fiery beginnings may work in the movies, but in person they just add stress and sap energy. Send genuine, honest first-contact emails, and only respond to those who do the same, and you’ll maximize your chances of finding someone truly compatible.

Even though we join online dating sites to meet other people, a lot of the ‘prep work’ involved has to do with self-reflection. You have to figure out who you are in order to write about yourself well. You have to figure out what you really want in order to maximize the efficacy of your searches. And if something isn’t working for you, you can often help yourself by asking yourself tough questions.

However, such introspection can become problematic when actual outside people enter the picture, such as on the first date. Chances are, you’re still worried about yourself: the impression you’re making, how much to talk about your past, whether you have anything interesting to talk about if there’s a lull in the conversation. Plus, there are the additional nerves associated with any first date. So guess what’s probably not at the forefront of your mind?

Your date. Or more specifically, what your date is saying.

It can be easy to forget to switch the focus from ourselves to our potential match, but it’s vital to the health and potential success of the date itself. Consider: if you’re focused on your match, you’re probably less nervous, because you’re paying attention to what they have to say instead of whatever you’re obsessing about. As you relax, you’re probably more natural and attractive.

When you’re actually paying attention to the conversation, it’s much easier to have a back-and-forth. You aren’t casting about in your mind for conversation topics as much, because you’re simply following the natural flow of the conversation. There are fewer awkward silences. And since you’re focused on your date, it’s much easier to get a sense of whether you’re actually compatible. When you’re wrapped up in your head, your judgment is much more suspect.

Finally, there’s the most basic of reasons to focus on your date: it’s polite and respectful. Your date is probably just as nervous as you are; they’ve probably gone over conversation topics in their own head too. Giving each other the respect you both deserve is the perfect way to get a relationship going on the right foot.

So next time you go on a first date, don’t fret too much about your hair or the million tiny what-ifs that could go wrong. Instead, focus on listening and responding to your date - it’s the simplest, and best, way to get the ball rolling.

Religious beliefs are an important consideration when it comes to partnering with the right person. If you're dating someone with strict religious beliefs, regardless of whether or not you share the same religion, there could be challenges. For instance, let's say you are both Christian. He attends services every Sunday without fail and is active in his church, but you prefer a more personal relationship with God. Is this going to be a problem down the line?

It's important to decide for yourself if religion will play an important role with the people you date. Are you looking to have some fun or for a short-term relationship, or something more substantial, like marriage? If you're looking for fun, then it's not so important to find someone who shares the same religion.

One of my readers recently asked me how she should meet men. She is a devout Mormon, and got out of a three-year relationship with a man who was not Mormon, and not particularly religious. Their relationship came to a point where she couldn't see it moving forward successfully, so they broke up.

She told me that she preferred to date outside of her religion, and that she was most attracted to men who weren't Mormon. "But I really want to marry a Mormon!" she added.

This isn't unusual. Many people are attracted to others who don't share the same faith. And it's fine to pursue relationships in these cases, as long as you are both on the same page about the future.

If she was looking to just have fun, dating outside her religion wouldn't hinder her search. But this isn't the case - she wants a husband, a partner. So it is important for her to make some tough choices.

When you date someone outside your religion, ask yourself if you are hoping to convert him/her. Some people are open to learning about other faiths and pursuing a religious practice in their lives, and others aren't. If he seems open to attending church or religious classes with you, great! But don't press the issue. It's important in matters of faith that each individual pursues what feels comfortable to him. It's a mistake to try to convert someone who isn't curious or interested in your religion for his own sake.

And if you are willing to date someone outside your religion, it's good to honestly look at the future. How will each of you spend your free time outside of work? Will he get resentful of the attention you give to your religious practice? Will he expect you to participate in his services? If you have children, how will you raise them?

These are all important questions in deciding how to pursue potential dates. While you might be attracted to people outside your religion, they might not be the best option if you're looking to marry.

Don't be afraid to be honest with your dates about where you stand. It will serve both of you in the long run.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it isn't always the policy adopted by online daters. Far from it, in some cases.

According to WhatsYourPrice.com founder and CEO Brandon Wade, lying about age or income are the most well-known fibs told on online dating profiles. But a new survey from his site reveals a less-common online lie: one in three dads lie on their online dating profiles about having kids.

A Father's Day survey of 2,500 male members of WhatsYourPrice.com found that approximately 32% have previously lied about having kids. The data looks like this:

• Total Average (2,500 surveyed): 32% lied
• Men Under 30 (1,250 surveyed): 51% lied
• Men Over 30: (1,250 surveyed): 12% lied

The most common types of lies were:

• Men claiming they didn't have kids: 96%
• Men claiming they do have kids: 3%
• Men claiming they have more/less kids: less than 1%

The survey also found that younger men are more likely to like about being dads than men who are over the age of 30. Wade posits that older men are not only more mature, but also more comfortable with the idea of being a parent. Older men no longer fear that their children will prevent them from being accepted by women.

The data all comes down to rejection, Wade suggests. The more afraid a man is that he will be turned down by a potential date, the more willing he will be to lie about himself. Of course, Wade also warns that lying "is actually a sure way of losing a partner" and notes that "Honesty is the most sexy thing when it comes to dating."

Fortunately, Wade believes a better world is on its way for dating dads. Single parents are more common than ever before, and parenthood is celebrated in today's society. Many women believe that a man who has a child is more mature and more capable of maintaining a long-term relationship than a man who has never had that kind of responsibility.

"With those who are honest, you're going to attract women who don't mind the fact that you are a parent or a father," Wade adds. "It's sort of a strange oxymoron thing: these guys think that by lying they actually get better results, when in fact the opposite is true."

That's nice and all, but...is it just me, or was that survey a really crummy way to celebrate Father's Day?

When it comes to the first date, one phrase that might leap to mind is “dress to impress.” However, while we all want to make a great first impression, perhaps literally “impressing” isn’t the goal we want to strive for. It may seem a small, even insignificant difference to quibble over, but let’s consider what images the two words conjure up, and the differences between them.

What do we think about when we think about impressing someone? We’d definitely want to be dressed nicely, perhaps even a little glamorous or formal. As for the venue, it might be something very fancy - a nice restaurant, the opera - or maybe something very dramatic, like fantastic seats to a rock concert or baseball game. Maybe it’s not something necessarily expensive, but creative, like an elaborate picnic in the most picturesque locale. Time, money - either way, something has been spent to create a dazzling effect.

Now, obviously, not many people are going to be going quite that extreme on their first date. However, the mindset can still reflect the ideal. Maybe they’re pushing their budget a little, or acting slightly different in an effort to appear worldly. The problem with this approach is two-fold: first, they’re not truly being themselves, and thus making it more difficult to determine their compatibility with their date. Secondly, when someone is focused on impressing their date, they’re probably not spending as much effort actually listening to their date. A real connection becomes even harder to achieve.

But what about a good first impression? What might we think of then? Well, we tend to think of a more realistic image, but one that is probably more cleaned-up and polite. You want to look good, but not necessarily glamorous or over-the-top. You’re putting your “best face forward,” but it’s still yours, not that of someone you’re striving to be. The venue is less important, because we tend to think of a person as making a first impression, not staging an impressive event. And because you might subconsciously be more aware of your manners, you might even be a better listener and more conscientious date than usual.

It’s quite possible that your personal impressions of the two phrases are quite different; however, it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself what imagery you do have in your head when you prepare for a first date. Are you subconsciously trying to impress, or make a good first impression? Perhaps thinking it over might make the difference between a night of unnecessary stress and pressure, and one in which you can relax and focus on making a connection.

Are you harboring a secret crush on your friend? When the two of you are together, do you finish each other's sentences, make each other laugh, and you feel like you could tell him anything? Well, almost anything. You've never let him know how you really feel - that you are very attracted to him. Besides, he already has a girlfriend, maybe one that you like and don't want to hurt.

But let's consider something for a moment - the act of telling him you're in love with him. Sound scary? Then let's see what is really holding you back.

When you're falling in love with a friend, it's especially hard to admit it because you don't know what will happen. You risk losing your friendship. Or if he's taken, you also risk breaking up a couple who has history together. There are no easy answers.

Even though the best idea seems to be to stay the course - keep your friendship going, pretend that you don't have feelings for him, and go about your daily routine - after a while, it will start to wear you down. Because feelings don't just go away, especially when they are never spoken aloud. They just grow bigger, along with the silence, until it becomes overwhelming.

Please keep in mind: he will sense that you love him. Feelings between friends are more transparent than you think, no matter how much you try to hide them.

While it might seem impossible, I think you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings, to risk losing the friendship.

One of several things could happen: the feeling isn't mutual and he rejects you and cuts off the friendship, or he could be sneaky and ask to start seeing you behind his girlfriend's back (don't do this please), or he could admit his attraction and break it off with his girlfriend to get together with you. And while you don't know what he might choose, and that makes you feel powerless in the situation, you are actually the one with the power here. You are freeing yourself from the crush and a friendship that isn't serving you, no matter what he chooses. You want him as a boyfriend, not a friend. If he chooses to let you go, he's done you a favor. He's allowed you to grieve and move on to someone who will love you.

It's important to remember that in the long run, it's better to make a choice than to keep staying the course, flirting and getting hurt when he goes home to his girlfriend. If you really want to try a relationship together, you must both leave the friendship behind.

If the friendship is strong, it will resume in time. But first, you need to acknowledge your feelings and heal your heart. The problem isn't that he has a girlfriend, it's that neither of you are being honest with each other.