Relationships

Picture this: you’re out on a date with a doctor. At the beginning of the night, your doctor date explains that they have to keep their beeper or phone with them at all times, because they’re on call. Seems reasonable, right? As it turns out, with the lines between work and life blurring all the time, you don’t have to be dating a doctor to run into this scenario.

It’s not uncommon for people to have to be connected to some form of technology most of the time, as obligated by their profession. For most, it’s their phone; for some, an actual computer or other equipment is toted around as well. And, while for some this is an isolated issue - maybe they’re on call every once in a great while - for others it’s a regular occurrence, meaning they can’t just schedule their life such that their dates will be tech-free.

The problem is that this is a such a recent development that there aren’t hard and fast rules of etiquette. For example, what about those who don’t need to be tethered to their phones, but compulsively check social media and email anyway? How can you tell the difference between someone who’s conscientious and responsible, and someone who’s a workaholic? If you’re the one tethered to the phone, how do you approach this without scaring off your date?

As with most situations, clear communication is the best place to start. Like the imaginary doctor date, if you’re the one toting tech, explain why right at the outset. It doesn’t hurt to be a little apologetic - it lets the date know they’re still your top priority. At the same time, though, you’re not asking for permission.

Next, do your very best to be in the moment with your date, and not focused on work. Instead of double-checking for emails every two minutes, set an alert that’s audible or vigorously vibrating; that way, you can be confident you’ll get the message, and you won’t have to continuously break eye contact. You’re also sending the message that you know how to set boundaries between your work and your social life.

If your date is the one with the phone welded to them, try to be sympathetic; not everyone can clock out right as the sun sets. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to tell whether your date is overly consumed with their job in the space of one date, so try not to place too much weight on the presence of the phone. Instead, focus on other aspects: how’s the conversation? Do you have a spark of chemistry? However, if your date’s job consumes every consecutive date, or prohibits you from even scheduling another, it might be time to have a talk.

Technology is an integral part of our lives today, and there’s no reason why it should hinder our relationships, even as they’re just blossoming. However, communication - between each other - and mutual respect are the keys to making it all work.

Some things just don’t mix well: oil and water, politics and Thanksgiving dinner. And, believe it or not, alcohol and the first date.

There are many that oppose this concept; for example, they might not want to stifle any aspect of who they are, no matter how trivial. Some might want a drink to loosen up and better “be themselves.” Perhaps the reasoning is that they drink socially all the time, and have for years, and thus are confident in their ability to keep it together.

However, no matter how conservative a drinker, or shy, or authentic you are, it might be worth taking a pass on alcohol that first night. First and foremost, even a little alcohol can impair your judgement, and you’re there to assess your compatibility. It’s one thing to get a little silly when you’re already comfortable with your friends; it’s another to get cozier than you might have otherwise. Some even use alcohol to intentionally make their date seem better; all this does is waste time for the both of you. You’ll just have to make the same decision later.

Next, there’s always a bit of a risk when it comes to drinking. Maybe you couldn’t eat that day thanks to first-date nerves, and you’re getting much tipsier, much faster. Maybe this restaurant makes their drinks much stronger than you’re used to. Unfortunately, you might not realize before you’re already drunker than you intended. And while a little alcohol might help you talk more easily, too much could lead to conversations you’d never ordinarily have. Or blackouts. Or vomiting. Not exactly the first impression you want to make.

Then there’s a safety issue. Let’s imagine that someone other than your date put something in your drink. Perhaps if you’re with friends who know you well, someone might notice you’re not yourself and get you medical attention. But instead, you’re with someone who has just met you; for all they know, you’re simply drunk. However, if you aren’t drinking alcoholic drinks in the first place, your behavior would certainly seem out of the ordinary to even a casual bystander.

First dates are fraught with nerves and peril. It’s tempting to stifle a little of that stress with a drink or two. However, before you choose your beverage, you might want to weigh the risks and benefits, and choose or limit accordingly.

Many people have been going a little nuts over Internet sensations Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodwin, two friends, colleagues, and the creators of the blog and dating project 40 Days of Dating. If you've been reading their daily posts, then you probably are dying to know - did they stay together or break-up?

Friendships that become romantic are nothing new, but we all wonder - why is it that some friends are able to overcome their worries and progress into a long-term relationship while others are left feeling awkward and resentful of each other? As it turns out, we can watch exactly how one such friendship plays out.

The couple set the website up as an experiment, because they were both having terrible luck at finding love. Timothy was your good old-fashioned playboy, the non-commital let's-just-have-fun type who didn't want to get serious with a woman. Jessica was of course the opposite - a hopeless romantic who fell quickly for the men she dated, which eventually left her heart-broken and wondering what went wrong.

While the set-up is generic, the day-to-day observations by each of them as they proceeded to date each other exclusively over the course of 40 days, attend therapy sessions, and blog about their feelings and experiences, are pretty engaging and enlightening. Many times, they completely misread and misunderstood each other. Many times they just wanted to cut loose and run for the hills instead of proceeding with the relationship. But because they were forced to stay and try to talk with each other, to come up with a workable solution that would last the 40 days, they found themselves confronting their demons on more than one occasion.

Their weaknesses (hers being loneliness and his being vulnerability) came out, and they weren't able to hide. This is what makes their relationship progression an interesting thing for us readers. They couldn't hide behind their masks. They had to take them off, to stand in front of each other and expose their insecurities and fears. And that makes for good Internet (and maybe a good movie---it seems they have signed with an agent).

While Jessica and Timothy have seemed to grow in their experiment and slowly trust each other enough to (maybe?) fall in love, they still have a long way to go. As with many relationships, trust and commitment aren't built overnight - it's a process of discovery, of revelation. The only way to move past the infatuation stage is to really spend time and get to know each other.

So what does this mean for friends who aren't sure whether they should date? The bigger question is: will you regret it if you don't at least give it a try?

Many of us agree that we can't live without our smartphones. It can even be addictive to check texts, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter through a handheld device which travels everywhere we go. No matter where we are, we are not alone. Our smartphones are by our sides.

According to a recent study conducted by JDate and ChristianMingle.com, our smartphone obsession has affected our dating behavior, too. Their report entitled Mobile's Impact on Dating and Relationships is based on an in-depth survey of 1,500 singles regarding their smartphone habits, and reveals an increased dependence on technology and expectations around how people prefer to communicate.

The study found that 55% of singles feel their mobile devices are making it easier to meet and get to know people for dating. A majority of 64% say that the quality of relationships with those they are dating has improved thanks to mobile technology.

Respondents also felt that it's less intimidating to ask someone on a date via text than by making a phone call. About 31 percent of men and 33% of women agreed, although respondents over the age of 43 said they prefer to ask someone out by phone instead of text. More men than women (44% compared to 37%) believe it's easier to flirt and get to know someone via text.

If you've had a good date, the majority of men and women say it doesn't matter who initiates contact, but it does matter how long it takes to respond. Forty-six percent of singles have become upset with someone they are dating over their text response time, with more women (52 percent) getting upset than men (40 percent). Seventy-eight percent of singles say they want to communicate within 24 hours after a first date, so goodbye three-date rule!

Daters are getting better about phone etiquette while on a date. Ninety-six percent keep their phones out of sight during a date, but beware if you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom - your date is probably checking her phone (or maybe posting a tweet or status update about your date)! Sixty-seven percent said they find a way to sneak a peek at their phones during a date.

It seems that our smartphone addiction is growing and won't be going away anytime soon. The study found that nearly 20% of all singles not only keep their phones on when they go to sleep, but also in bed with them.

Mobile technology has changed the way we date, as well as our expectations and accessibility. Sometimes though, it's okay to shut your phone off. Your date will appreciate it.

When it comes to meeting someone for the first time, it’s natural to want to present the best version of yourself. You might dress in one of your favorite outfits; your hair might just be the best your date will ever see it. Your best manners are (or should be) on display. It might not be a completely accurate snapshot of day-to-day living, but in general, everyone knows this and understands it. However, where do you draw the line between an “idealized” version of yourself and outright falsehoods?

It might seem like a fairly easy distinction to make - and most of the time, it is. But the line can get fuzzy when it comes to discussing the future - your future plans and intentions. Consider a few scenarios:

Tim wants to take the plunge and write a screenplay. He’s dead serious about this, and his date is enamored with the idea of dating an author. But after a few months of attempting it, he realizes it’s not for him. Should she feel deceived?

Kate knows she never wants to have children. However, she doesn’t want to come across as callous or unfeeling, so when it comes to dates, she softens it to “maybe someday” or that she’s “not sure.” Deep down, however, she knows the truth.

Patrick is planning on pursuing a promotion at his job. If he gets it, he knows it’ll mean he’ll have to move overseas, but he doesn’t want his date to think he’s not interested in something long-term. Also, he doesn’t want his date to back off at the possibility of the move. After all, he doesn’t know for sure whether he’ll even get the job.

None of these are quite cut-and-dry situations, but they’re not exactly equal in truth, either. For example, Tim honestly believes he wants to be a screenwriter, and he’ll honestly try his hand at it. His date should understand that there’s no guarantee of success or even fulfillment when you’re trying something new.

Kate, on the other hand, knows that she doesn’t want to have children. Sure, there’s a slim possibility she might change down the road, but she knows she’s certain about her wishes right now. Thus, she should be honest about where she is now; she’s looking for someone compatible with the current Kate, not the potential Kate from ten years in the future.

Patrick, on the other hand, isn’t dealing with a slim chance from ten years down the road; his life may change in a big way very soon. If he’s serious about pursuing a relationship right now, he should be honest about the possibility that there may be a great deal of upheaval soon; otherwise, he could wait until he’s received an answer about a promotion.

As you head out on your first dates, ask yourself: are you being honest about your dreams, desires, and plans for the future? Or are you just saying what you think your date wants to hear? Remember: even a polite, well-coiffed version of yourself is still you. But dress up your personality too much and you’ll have a version that isn’t anywhere close to the truth.

Sometimes when there are seemingly endless options available to us, making a decision can be difficult. Having too many choices can work against us - the more we have to choose from, the more overwhelmed we feel and the less informed choices we make.

Such is the case with online dating. While it brings us constant opportunities to meet new people, it can also give us a "grass is greener" complex. Here's how it works: No matter how great the person is sitting across from you, you think there might be somebody else who's even better. So you don't pursue this woman you find so attractive simply because you want to keep your options open. Instead, you go back to your online search and look for more matches to contact, more dates to pursue. You've become a serial online dater.

While this might make dating more exciting, you're making a sacrifice - you're actively choosing not to pursue or cultivate a relationship. Until you decide to stop your endless search and focus on the person sitting across from you, you'll never get to the relationship part of dating.

It's pretty easy to go online and search for dates, so it's no wonder some of us use online dating to avoid any type of commitment. Especially if you're heart is broken. Maybe you feel like the people you love cheat or abandon you, so why would your date be any different? The problem is, if you don't give someone a real chance, then you'll never find out if it can be different.

If you're a serial dater, you also might be thinking that you just haven't met "the one" yet - the elusive woman or man who sweeps you off your feet, who is so much more beautiful, successful, adventurous, funny, etc. than anyone you've dated so far. It's just a matter of time, right? Not so much. The truth is, you're not giving the people you're meeting a real chance. You haven't taken the time to get to know them and see if there is a real connection. Instead, you're relying only on chemistry or infatuation or unrealistic expectations, which aren't great barometers of long-term relationship success.

And if you are constantly analyzing your dates, looking for faults? You'll never find that "perfect" person, because everyone comes with some sort of history or baggage or preconceived notions, including you. It's important to be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we bring to the table, faults, weaknesses, strengths and abilities. We are all wonderful in unique ways, and we are also human beings.

Instead of serial dating, try making a real effort with the next person you ask out. It could make all the difference.