Relationships

When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?

In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.

For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!

Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.

Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.

And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?

It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?

It’s not surprising that many in the dating world focus on finding The One. The One they’re meant to be with, The One who perfectly matches their particular quirks and strengths... The One who will ultimately make them happy.

Not surprisingly, that places quite a bit of pressure on everyone involved. Maybe this person is great, but are they The One? Maybe this person seems like they might be The One for me... but they don’t think I’m The One for them. Does fate even work that way?

You’re worried about making the wrong choice. Your date is worried about doing something to make them appear less than perfect. But what if there wasn’t a One out there? What if there wasn’t even a One Perfect Type for you?

The idea that there’s one perfect archetype that perfectly complements you seems a little unlikely to begin with. If there were one perfect person in the world for you, what are the odds that they’d be in your hometown, and not Singapore? Yet there are countless little old couples who have been happy for decades. What about the widow who had a great love that died early, found someone completely different, and was still happily in love for the rest of her life?

Perhaps the truth is that love and commitment are at least partially a choice. It’s not a matter of “settling” for someone who makes you less than happy; perhaps the truth is that there are hundreds of people out there who could potentially make you just as happy. You don’t want to spend your life trying them all, however, so you actively choose to be with one.

Perhaps that decision is daunting for some - the idea of someone who runs from commitment is not a new one - but it should be freeing as well. Because you aren’t trying to find The One, the only one in the world who could possibly make you happy. Your “perfect match” doesn’t necessarily have to fit every item on your checklist to make them perfect for you. In a true sense, you’re looking for a partner; someone to grow with, make discoveries with. If that’s what you’re truly searching for - not a clone or a fantasy - you may encounter one sooner than you’d think.

So who are you searching for?

Let's face it: dating after a breakup of any kind isn't easy. Dating after a divorce is even harder. And online dating after divorce, especially if you've never dated online before, can be downright terrifying. Some of you will feel like throwing in the towel before you've even entered the ring.

But here's the good news: you're not the first person to date after a divorce, and you certainly won't be the last. The process doesn't have to be stressful if you don't want it to be (and why would you want it to be?).

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to date after a divorce without driving yourself insane:

1. Stop thinking that online dating is for losers. Seriously, this stereotype is getting old. It's well past time to bury it. These days you're practically in the minority if you haven't tried it. In no way is online dating a sign of failure - it's an awesome opportunity to meet people you never would have met otherwise.
2. Remember it's just a date and there are plenty more out there. In fact, you don't even have to think of it as dating. Just think of it as a chance to meet interesting new people. If you click - great. If you don't - no big deal. Never be afraid to say "next" if it doesn't feel right.
3. Do your best to manage your expectations. Be honest, because it's the right thing to do, but remember that not everyone else will be. That person who sounds perfect on paper might not be so perfect in person. On the other hand, take a chance on someone who doesn't sound quite right in the beginning - you never know who's going to surprise you.
4. Meet as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. It's easy to create a fantasy version of someone when you're chatting online. Don't waste weeks wrapped up in make-believe only to find out that you're not actually compatible in real life.
5. There's no rush. Take it slowly, even if you meet and hit it off right away. If this is the person for you, the bond will grow in its own time.
6. Have a sense of humor about it. Crazy things can happen when you're online dating. The experience will be so much more rewarding if you can laugh at the lunacy when it happens.
7. Don't go looking for your next spouse right away. Have fun DATING. If you only date to find the love of your life, you'll probably be disappointed most of the time. If you're also open to meeting a new friend, making a business contact, or just enjoying a few hours of conversation with someone new, you'll enjoy the process so much more.

As you may have noticed, some online dating sites are specifically geared toward certain types of relationships. For example, one site may be dedicated to finding the person you’ll eventually marry; another might focus on one-night stands. In general, the concept is quite useful; if you’re looking for the future Committed Partner and they’re just looking for a one-time hookup, it’s better to know before you get emotionally invested. However - particularly when it comes to a long-term goal like a committed relationship - is there such a thing as too much planning?

Let’s take the example of the One-Night-Stander vs. the Looking-for-Lover once again. In this instance, it makes sense that the cards should be put on the table right away, and both should probably move on to someone else, because the One-Night-Stander can easily find someone else with no strings attached. It’s an immediate conflict of interest between the two.

Now let’s send the Looking-for-Lover on a different date. The potential match is also interested, ultimately, in a long-term commitment. But there’s a problem - the potential match is finishing up their last years working on their PhD. In a few years, they may have to move somewhere else, depending on where their career takes them. So the Looking-for-Lover decides that since the future is so uncertain, and they’re solely interested in something long-term, there’s no point in a second date.

The Looking-for-Lover certainly has a shot at finding someone else compatible with a more secure future, but at the same time, they might have thrown away something valuable with their potential match. Two years is a long time; they might have moved on naturally due to incompatibility, or they might have been madly in love and planning marriage. Looking-for-Lover might have wanted to move with their potential match, or a compromise might have been found. No one can predict what the future could have held.

And so it is when you begin any relationship; even if your ultimate goal is a long-term commitment, you still have to move through the same steps as anyone else, like initial chemistry or surviving the first six months of dating or seeing each other with the flu. No matter how ready or on the same page you both might be from day one, you’ll still have to put in the same amount of time to establish a trusting, communicative, loving relationship.

So as you head out on your first dates, be aware of immediate conflicts of interest, but try to put the long-term plans on a back burner. Even if you’re meeting your future life partner, your lives may look completely different by the time you take that step. Why waste energy micro-managing what’s in the now for what might be in the future?

It is true that in order to be successful in online dating, you’ll probably have to be a little proactive. We’d all love it if all we had to do is create a user name and potential matches would be falling at our feet. Instead, meeting new people often involves taking the initiative and messaging first - and bouncing back and trying elsewhere if we don’t get the answer we want.

However, there is a fine line you’ll want to watch out for - the line between “being proactive” and “allowing online dating to become all-consuming.” It’s easy to see how it happens; an online dating website is kind of like a new toy, especially if it was particularly difficult to meet or even see single, age-appropriate people in your daily life. There are now so many possibilities! Now I’ve just messaged another one! Let’s sit by the email and wait for a response!

And that’s where things start to go south. Chances are, you already have a job, a routine, friends, hobbies. Online dating can easily be a time sink, especially if you factor in time spent obsessing over responses that may or may not ever arrive. If you’re not prepared to factor in that extra time, you could be taking away from something more important - like your job or relationships with family and friends.

When you do start dating someone new, it’s natural to be a little dreamy-eyed and foggy-headed at the beginning - but prior to that, it’s probably best to conserve your energy. Profiles are not the same as people, and an email is only a means of securing your first in-person meeting, when you can really suss out your compatibility. The dream of a possibility is alluring, but it’s not worth actually wasting time.

To combat falling into the dream trap, set limits from the very beginning. For instance, maybe you’ll decide you won’t check your email for dating messages at work. Maybe you’ll set aside a little time each day, or every other day, to peruse profiles and send messages, but vow to stay in the moment the rest of the time.

After all, when a profile or a date asks you what you do in your spare time, you want the answer to be interesting and genuine - and you don’t want it to be “Hit refresh on my online dating profile and email.” Do you know when to take a break?

The yearly German festival of drinking and debauchery known as Oktoberfest arrived last month again. For most revelers, that means giant pretzels, women in dirndls, liter-sized mugs of beer, and nights they will never remember. For Zoosk, that means an opportunity for another study.

Zoosk surveyed more than 2,800 single beer drinkers in hopes of discovering what their beer choices say about their dating preferences and personalities. As it turns out, the types of beer you and your date prefer might actually offer clues about your compatibility:

• If you're looking to settle down soon, hope your date orders a domestic beer. Domestic beer drinkers are most likely to be looking for marriage (20%). They are also more likely to be traditional when it comes to dating, so expect them to go the dinner-and-a-movie route and don't overwhelm them with public displays of affection.
• If you're not ready to settle down, look for a date who is into microbrews. 31% of men who opt for microbrews say they're in the market for fun, but nothing long-term. Unsurprisingly, then, microbrew drinkers are the most likely to have had a one night stand (74%) and to want physical intimacy every day (54%). They're also the most likely to prefer an outdoor adventure for a first date.
• If stability is what you're looking for, find an ultra-light beer drinker. Singles who count their calories prefer romantic evenings spent sharing their hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. They have the highest percentage of long-term relationships on average, at 75%. They are also the most likely to refer to themselves as homebodies (37%).
• If you'd like an introvert in your life, choose an import drinker. They're the least likely to have a one night stand and the most likely, on average, to be a virgin (4%). Reserved import drinkers prefer dogs to cats where pets are concerned and say they often spend time daydreaming about their next vacation.
• If you need a family-friendly date, a light beer drinker is the one for you. 92% of light beer fans say they're open to dating someone with kids, and 64% say they like to spend their free time with family and friends. Light beer drinkers are second only to ultra-light drinkers when it comes to success in lasting relationships.

I guess your brew of choice says a whole lot more about you than just your taste in beer. No word on what happens if your date orders wine instead...