Relationships

Dating can be fun, but it can also be confusing and even a bit demoralizing. Regardless of whether you meet someone online, on Tinder, or sitting next to you at the bar, you can have an instant connection. And that connection can also go wrong if you don’t adhere to a few simple rules of good behavior.

I don’t mean The Rules, as in playing hard-to-get. I mean that despite the pull of chemistry between two people, there is still the fact that you two don’t know each other, and so it only benefits you to be on your best behavior.

If you’ve ever had one too many drinks and fallen down from the bar stool you’ve been perched on next to your date, or gone off on a political rant in the middle of a nice conversation, you might know a little about making a mistake that you regret because it cost you a future date.

Following are some guidelines in how to avoid a dating disaster (and moving on if it’s already happened):

Curb your drinking. This might seem obvious, but many people like to have a drink or two to “loosen up.” Know your tolerance before you consume. A few drinks can quickly turn bad – like if you suddenly feel sick and have to leave before you throw up on your date, or you can’t remember what happened past driving home in an Uber. There’s nothing sexy or appealing about dating a drunk stranger, so know your limits.

Avoid touchy subjects. Although politics is your passion, it’s good to avoid talking about Congress on a first date when you don’t know each other. Your date could mistake your passion for self-righteousness, especially if you try to convince him that you’re right. Instead of getting carried away with an argument, try stepping back, asking questions, and listening. This can quickly turn the conversation around.

Don’t get sexual right away. Despite all of the pick-up artists’ proclamations, women generally don’t like it when a guy comes on too strong, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Recognize that most women get hit on when they online date, and they don’t appreciate it – especially from a stranger. Instead of trying to seduce her, get to know her. That is a sure way to guarantee a second date.

Acknowledge and move on. We’ve all made embarrassing mistakes, especially while dating. There’s no reason to continue to beat yourself up over mistakes of the past – instead, acknowledge what happened, see what you can do differently, and move on. Regret has no place in future relationships.

Bye Felipe has become an Instagram sensation, with female daters posting their awkward, annoying, uncomfortable and sometimes even harassing message trail with other online daters, mainly men. It seems that in the wake of Tinder’s popularity, there have been a few casualties and women are looking for a more genuine tool to meet guys, sans the weird pick-up lines.

While there isn’t a dating app that can screen or prevent all creeps from making their way into your matching possibilities, at least some apps give women the power to decide what we will and will not tolerate.

Following are a few to watch for in 2015:

Bumble. While I’m not a fan of how this app came about – it’s the brainchild of Whitney Wolfe, one of the former Tinder executives who also filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against co-founder Justin Mateen. And since she walked away with a bit of money from a settlement, she has decided to launch her own dating app, where women decide who they want to meet (and have 24 hours to make that decision before the option disappears). According to its marketing, the app “promotes a safe and respectful community…Bumble suggests matches based on more relevant signals than other, more shallow apps.”

LuLu. This has been around for a couple of years, allowing women to rate their dates and share information about men with other female app users. While LuLu sounds like it has the potential to be a giant slam book, many women also use it to promote their guy friends who are looking for love – kind of an online voucher for a guy’s character. The Grade is another new app that has a similar kind of review system through – you guessed it – grading them. If you get an “F” guys? You’re off the site.

Siren. True to its name, Siren allows women to put a question out to men they choose on the site (or to all men in their area) to schedule a last-minute date. For instance, a woman could ask: “want to meet up for a jog?” - and then see who responds. She can also browse profiles in private without revealing herself.

JessMeetKen. This online dating site works through Facebook connections, and allows women to post a profile of their male friends who are looking for love, recommending them to other women. (Think of that guy you really like but just aren’t attracted to.) The guys all come recommended by a woman, so it’s less likely the men you’ll be meeting will be creepers, which makes it worth it even if you aren’t a match.

Happy dating!

I have a love/hate relationship with New Year's resolutions.

In fact, you probably do too (who doesn't?).

On one hand, goal-setting is one of the most valuable things you can do. It's essential to set aside time to evaluate where you are, envision where you want to be, and strategize about how to move from one to the other.

On the other hand, everyone knows how difficult it is to actually stick to New Year's resolutions. You start out strong, you slip up once or twice, and then you abandon the whole thing. It can feel like you're setting yourself up for failure.

But hey – what is life without a few challenges? The potential for growth is too important to ignore, so make those resolutions and make 2015 the year you really kick their ass. Here are some ideas for your love life:

• Join a dating site. You may be here because you're already an online dater and are looking for tips, but you could be here because you still haven't taken the plunge and need some motivation. As Nike would say, just do it. This is the most popular time of the year for dating sites, so you'll be in good (and plentiful) company.
• Try something out of your comfort zone. That could be joining an online dating site, if you haven't already, or it could be trying something offline that pushes your boundaries. Join a gym if you've always been too intimidated to work out in front of others. Take a cooking class. Join a recreational sports team. You'll meet new people, add to your skill set, and boost your confidence.
• Be more open-minded. It's not just about challenging yourself where activities are concerned. It's also about challenging your preconceived notions about people. Say yes to someone you would normally say no to. Resist the urge to judge too quickly. Dump some of your dealbreakers. You may find something (or someone) you never expected.
• Get a handle on your goals. Do you want a fun fling? Are you looking for a partner who's marriage material? Are you just in the market for new friends? Be honest with yourself about what you want, and then be smart with your choices. They should be in alignment with your goals.
• Take action. You could wait around for something to happen to you, or you could make it happen. Which sounds like the better option? Be proactive in your search and don't think twice about making the first move. Being assertive is the best way to get what you want.

Here's to an incredible 2015!

There’s something many people don’t want to admit to their dates, because they equate it with a character flaw or weakness; but the truth is, many daters are shy.

Introverts make up a significant portion of the population, and chances are, you will meet a few introverts if you date long enough. Unfortunately, online dating doesn’t lend itself to shy types. It requires real action, attention, and bravery. It pushes us outside of our comfort zones. (Actually, so does any kind of dating.) And it’s especially difficult for introverts to muster the courage to flirt or ask someone out.

But if you want to find love, it is necessary. Unless you think a hot stranger will appear at your doorstep to whisk you away, dating is an essential process to finding a long-term relationship, and it’s not easy. It’s better to face this challenge head-on than retreat in fear because you’re shy. Remember, many of your dates are going to be shy, too – so don’t feel like you’re the only one.

Following are some dating tips to help overcome your fears:

Widen your social circles. Instead of retreating into your safety zone of close friends and family, dating requires you to meet new people often – at least until you find someone you click with. If you feel uncomfortable online dating, try widening your social circles bit by bit. Get to know a new co-worker, or the person next to you in Zumba class. Make new friends within your circles, because they could introduce you to potential dates.

Rejection isn’t personal. But being shy prevents many people from connecting, because when you’re shy you hold back. You don’t want to put yourself out there for fear of rejection. But you have to also look at dating as trial and error – if someone doesn’t click with you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means that there isn’t a connection. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t stop. What counts is that you’re trying (like everyone else), so keep going.

Expand your comfort zone step by step. Instead of hiding behind your insecurities, it’s time to push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone. Take small steps. Accept invitations to parties and local singles events, and invite your outgoing friend to help introduce you to people. Strike up a conversation with the person in line next to you at Starbucks, even if you’re not interested. Every little bit of practice builds your confidence.

Use your assets. Not all of us are smooth talkers, or good flirts, or are good at introducing ourselves to strangers. Instead of listening to all the advice about how to approach people, try striking up a conversation by doing what you do better than most – actively listening! Then ask thoughtful questions. Getting to know someone takes you a lot further in dating than having a good pick-up line.

Happy dating!

Did you make out with your boss at the company holiday party? Or hook up with the guy in the next cubicle after a happy hour? Or maybe you have secretly been pining for a hot co-worker who you don’t know well, except for brief flirtations over Snapchat or Whisper.

If any of these scenarios make you squirm a little in your chair, you might be grappling with the age-old question of – should I or shouldn’t I? – when it comes to dating a co-worker.

It’s easy to understand why people would form romantic attachments to their fellow colleagues and bosses. After all, you spend most of your days with them, you work on projects together, and you bond over coffee breaks and happy hours. They are in a sense like another family. But what happens when you cross that line and start entering relationship territory, even if it’s all in secret from your other co-workers?

Following are some things to keep in mind before you take that next step:

Stay away from the hierarchy. If you are interested in your boss or a subordinate employee, you are treading dangerous ground. Most company policies have rules against this, because it can lead to unfair workplace advantages (or at least the perception of them among the other employees). Instead of throwing caution to the wind, look elsewhere – for another love interest or another job.

Understand the consequences. This might sounds harsh, but if the relationship ends, do you want to keep working next to your ex? Do you want to hear about his new relationship? If you can’t handle the idea of seeing your ex on a daily basis, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

Think of career ambitions. Are you willing to quit your job and find another? Sometimes when office relationships don’t work out, it can mean problems for your career. If you’re in a specialized field with limited job opportunities, it would be better to look outside of work for a relationship.

Does the relationship have long or short-term potential? You might be in the heat of passion, but this doesn’t mean it’s good for you in the long run. Maybe you worked for hours together on a project and it created intimacy between you. It’s hard to let go of that – but ask yourself: do you have other things to talk about besides work? Are there other areas of your life that intersect? This makes all the difference in its success. If you are only caught up in the heat of the moment, it will pass. So choose your moves wisely.

The New Year is here, and this means a new chance at love for everyone. You might have made a few mistakes in 2014, but that doesn’t mean you can’t turn things around from this point forward. The beauty of life is that we are always growing and changing – and this means in our love lives, too.

Instead of doing the same old things in your social life, or recycling that old online dating profile, the New Year is a time to toss out the old and start fresh. That said, following are five dating resolutions you can make in the New Year:

Try new places. Dating doesn’t have to be a boring series of drinks and coffee dates. Instead of local watering holes, think of things you like to do on your own and incorporate them into your dating life – like hiking, art classes, sports, or finding treasures to fix up at flea markets. Even if you don’t get along with your date, you won’t feel it’s a waste of time. Plus, it puts you in a good mood – the right frame of mind for dating.

Expand your social circle. I know there are many introverted people out there who hate the idea of going to parties alone or joining an online dating site. But rest assured – most people hate going alone to parties and joining online dating sites. You aren’t alone. The point is, you never know where you’ll meet someone special, so it’s good to expand your opportunities instead of restricting them. Allowing more doors to open in your life is a good thing.

Develop a hobby. Most people are so tied up with work and obligations towards friends and family that they seldom take time just for themselves. But when you pursue something just because you enjoy it – and not because you make a living out of it – it creates more happiness in your life. Pursuing a hobby isn’t an extravagance – it’s a necessary part of life.

Be thankful. This might sound trite, but the act of acknowledging all you have in your life creates more positive energy and a happier you. Practice giving thanks for something every day – even if it’s something seemingly insignificant like a beautiful sunrise or an invigorating run. There is so much beauty in the small moments of life. Embrace them.

Say yes more often. Dating can be an emotional roller coaster, and many people need a break from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with this, but some people choose to stay stuck by admitting that “online dating doesn’t work for me,” or other excuses based on a few dates gone wrong. Instead of dwelling in what hasn’t worked, try to remain open to future possibilities. Say yes to a date you aren’t sure about, respond to more emails and messages. Taking more chances also brings more opportunities. Seize the moment.

Happy New Year!