Relationships

Much has been written about the May-December romance. We call women who date older men gold diggers. We call men who date younger women sugar daddies. And let’s not forget about the cougars and their cubs.

There’s something about an age gap that both fascinates and repels us. EliteSingles recently conducted a study to find out why, and found that many of our stereotypes are based in fact.

The dating site analyzed the upper and lower age search limits of more than 450,000 of its members for the answer a burning question: what age difference would you accept in your partner?

The stereotype of older men seeking increasingly younger partners proved true. Men aged 60-69 indicated, on average, a desired partner age of up to 11 years younger than themselves. And the other end of the spectrum? Brace yourself: the oldest they would accept is a partner just 1 year their senior.

It stings for older women, but before the mature ladies completely lose faith in humanity, younger men throw a twist into the story. Guys aged up to 30 prefer to date women who are older, rather than younger. Between the ages of 20-29, many men indicate a preference for a partner 3-6 years older than themselves. 

EliteSingles Partner Psychologist Sam Owen believes that ‘’the finding that men aged 20-29 prefer older women rather than the suspected ‘younger model’ is likely indicative of the change in gender roles in modern society towards more equality between the sexes. Young men nowadays probably also recognise that older women are adept at diligently juggling so many responsibilities (career, children, housekeeping, fitness, finances, socialising), which makes them intriguing and attractive and a more secure option.’’

Women may not be as keen on playing the cougar as men are on playing the cub, however. The data from female users suggests that women across the board prefer to be the younger half of a relationship. Women over the age of 50, for example, would ideally like a match who is 6 years older than their own age. And there’s little wiggle room in the other direction - anyone more than 5 years younger is deemed too young.

Younger women not only echo the sentiment, they amplify the interest in older men. For 20-29 year olds, the average age difference desired was up to 10 years, while women aged 30-39 sought a partner up to 8 years older. Women in their twenties weren’t interested in men more than 3 years their junior.

For more information on this dating service which conducted the study you can read our Elite Singles review.

Mixing politics and dating isn’t always the best idea, but one thing’s for sure: politicians want to encourage young people to vote and be politically active. So what better way to connect with them than on their own turf?

At least, this is the thinking behind UK Prime Minister David Cameron’s latest move. He joined Tinder last month, not to date, but to connect with millennials, who are a target voting market. He met with leading tech companies earlier to try a new approach that would engage young voters.

Reports claim he has joined Tinder to encourage young people to vote in the EU referendum, amid fears many aren’t registered. The plan with Tinder is that Cameron will place advertisements that resemble dating profiles as part of the electoral registration drive.

Does this seem deceptive to people on Tinder who are looking to meet dates, not to engage in politics? Perhaps, but this isn’t the first time dating apps have gotten political.

Earlier this year, Swipe The Vote asked Tinder users 10 questions designed to assess their political preferences for issues like same-sex marriage, immigration and fracking. And when Bernie Sanders supporters on Facebook noticed a trend of Bernie fans looking to meet each other, a new dating site called Bernie Singles was born. Now, there’s even a dating app for Trump opponents called Maple Dating, which offers eligible Canadian matches to Americans who want to leave the country.

So what does all this mean? Are dating apps getting more political? Should dating and politics mix? It’s murky ground, but one thing is for sure. Politicians wanting to capture the attention of young voters have to think outside of normal ad campaigns. And if setting up a dating profile on Tinder works to engage your audience, then why not meet them where they are?

Bumble has gotten in on the political action, too. It now allows its users to declare which Presidential candidate they support, and to filter those who disagree accordingly. JSwipe also has features that let you filter according to political persuasion. And while most daters are willing to date across party lines, they have their limits. The polarization of American politics is getting more personal, where people who are staunch supporters of particular polarizing candidates – like Trump – or specific issues, like those that deal with LGBTQ laws – do not want to date those who disagree with them.

So where does that leave us? Dating culture reflects our shifting values and politics, so it’s only natural that in a controversial Presidential election season, we become more engaged in political discussion. But hopefully after November, you can date a little easier.

For more on this dating app you can read our Tinder review

Our unique perspectives are not only shaped by our experiences, friends, and family, but also by how we perceive the world. You know that little voice in your head that likes to boss you around, or tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing?

That’s your inner critic, and it likes to hang in the background, reminding you of what is “right” – and how you might have screwed something up. In fact, you probably don’t even realize it’s there – it has become such a constant part of your life.

This little voice is constantly assessing, judging, and advising you. On the flip side, that same little voice is also judging other people you come across – what they are wearing, what they say, how they come across, or even how they are living their lives. This is especially true when dating. If you want to find a partner, you can count on the fact that your inner critic has a say.

We all want to be free to live our lives without judgment or criticism, but often, that judgment we feel comes from within. When you find yourself judging someone else, chances are you are assuming the other person is judging you, even if they aren’t. This is especially true in dating.

You’ve likely been on dates when that inner critic is talking and taking control. Perhaps it points out all of your date’s flaws – his receding hairline, his clothing, the way he speaks, or maybe even the drink he orders. But while you might think it’s a good thing to notice potential issues to minimize any looming disaster, or to avoid wasting time with someone who isn’t right, that little voice is pulling you away from the moment. It is cramping your freedom and fun.

And if your inner critic has picked apart your date, chances are it is unleashing on you, too. It might ask why you are talking so much, or what a mistake you made by choosing a certain restaurant to meet, or even criticizing you for wearing your boots instead of a pair of heels. It’s exhausting.

So how do you ignore that inner critic? It’s not easy – we often fall back into familiar patterns without realizing it. The important thing is to pay attention, and recognize when that inner critic starts talking. You can tell when this happens, because it sounds something like this:

• He has a weird laugh
• She keeps interrupting me
• Why would he pick this place? The food is awful.
• She’s not my type

When you hear the voice start to criticize your date, take a deep breath and let it go. Focus on something you find likeable or attractive about your date. If nothing else, suggest taking a walk together for a change of scenery. Bring yourself back into the present moment.

Not every date is going to be great, but if you stop letting your inner critic take control, the whole dating experience will be much less frustrating, and much more fun. 

Almost 100 million people around the world use dating websites and apps. With so many singles looking for love, how do you find “the one?” The task may seem daunting, but the BBC hopes to make it more manageable with tips based on scientific research.

A recent article written by Dr. Xand van Tulleken explores the world of online dating through the lens of a scientist. Professor Khalid Khan of Queen Mary University has reviewed dozens of scientific research papers on attraction and dating. His most interesting findings and top pieces of advice include:

• Dedicate 70% of your profile to writing about yourself and 30% to writing about what you’re looking for in a partner. “Studies have shown that profiles with this balance receive the most replies because people have more confidence to drop you a line,” writes van Tulleken.
• Women are more attracted to men who demonstrate bravery, courage, and the willingness to take risks than they are to men who show altruism and kindness.
• Humor is highly attractive, but only if you go about it the right way. Although it’s easier said than done, the best way to make people think you’re funny is to show them, not tell them.
• Choose a username that starts with a higher letter in the alphabet. “People seem to subconsciously match earlier initials with academic and professional success,” van Tulleken explains.

With your profile optimized, it’s time to decide who you’ll go on a date with. Mathematician Hannah Fry suggests employing the Optimal Stopping Theory, a method that helps you choose the best option when sifting through many possibilities one after another. According to an algorithm devised by mathematicians, your chances of selecting the best date are highest if you reject the first 37% of potential partners.

“The maths of this is spectacularly complicated, but we've probably evolved to apply a similar kind of principle ourselves,” writes van Tulleken. “Have fun and learn things with roughly the first third of the potential relationships you could ever embark on. Then, when you have a fairly good idea of what's out there and what you're after, settle down with the next best person to come along.”

After a few dates with someone special, science can determine whether it’s love or just like. During an MRI, the brain of a person who’s in love will be activated in a region called the ventral tegmental area - a key part of the brain’s pleasure and reward circuit. At the same time, the scan will reveal a deactivation of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, which controls logical reasoning. No wonder we call people “fools in love.”

Of course, feeling the emotion doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship, as Dr. Helen Fisher is quick to note. Science can give you a headstart in finding love but the rest is up to you.

If you’re single and own a smartphone, chances are you’ve downloaded a dating app.

Many people try at least one or two apps, swipe and message for a few weeks, and then quit in frustration because they don’t get many matches, their messages go unanswered, or they never actually get a real date out of it.

Instead of going into app dating full force with no results, it’s better to keep a steady momentum and a few things in mind for successful swiping. Following are some tips to get your dating app game in shape:

Be respectful all the time.

It’s important to remember that even though you might be a great catch, people on dating apps are strangers who don’t know you. They don’t know your sense of humor, your background, or your close friends, so they have to take what you say at face value. So don’t start out being presumptuous – save the overt flirting, gross jokes, or sexual references for a more appropriate time – like when you are dating and are aware of your attraction for one another!

A picture is worth a million words.

Dating apps have really helped those who don’t want to spend the time writing a funny, clever profile. Instead, people can look at one or two photos and swipe based on that. (Most people don’t even read the descriptions or tags on your profile unless they like your pic.) So, you have to tell a visual story. Show a photo doing something you love that will spark a conversation. Include a headshot and a body shot, with no sunglasses or hats covering your face. Remember to smile!

Don’t message endlessly.

It’s fun to get a little flirtatious banter on, but at the end of the day, what do you have to show for it if you haven’t met in person? Instead of endlessly messaging, be bold and ask your matches out sooner rather than later – it doesn’t matter if you’re the guy or the girl. Ask, meet, and then see if there’s a spark.

Don’t swipe right on everyone.

Guys have a tendency to play the dating app game – swipe right on everyone and see who matches back with you. This is a bad strategy for many reasons, but most of all, because you’ll look like a robot to the app, and greatly reduce your swiping options. Instead, be a little more discriminate.

Check in during peak hours.

The best time to log in to your dating app is 6:00 in the evening, according to Bumble founder Whitney Wolfe. Checking in daily is a good idea, especially around happy hour time. But also make sure to log in on Sunday, which studies have shown to be the busiest day for online dating in general. People are ready to make plans, so get on it!

The search for love sometimes feels like a roller coaster – exciting highs when you meet someone you click with, or lows when it doesn’t work out.

With online dating, the highs and lows can be much more intense because you are meeting more people than you would in normal, every day interactions. Online dating gives us a heightened sense of possibility, so we are constantly searching, interacting, assessing and then moving on. We get impatient and frustrated when we think it’s taking too long, or when we aren't meeting anyone who sparks chemistry in us. As I state in my book Date Expectations, we are moving on constantly, dating in quick succession and then throwing our hands up in frustration - a vicious cycle.

Instead of repeating this same non-productive cycle, it’s time to develop some online dating coping strategies. Following are some suggestions:

Don’t be reactive. It’s tempting (and easy) to go on a few bad or boring dates and complain to your friends, or delete those dating apps in frustration. Instead of reacting to circumstances, it’s important to take a step back, regroup, and try again with a fresh perspective. If you are really feeling down, take a break from dating and come back to it when you’re ready to connect again. Otherwise you’ll be spinning your wheels.

Resist making generalizations. You might have had several bad dates in a row, but that doesn’t mean all men or women are terrible. It’s important to look at the big picture. You have men or women in your own life who you love, admire and respect. They are out there – the key is to move past your bad experiences and still keep an open mind. Remember: you attract people with the same energy/ outlook that you have.

Be gentle with yourself and others. Sometimes we get lost in judgment – of ourselves, or our dates. Instead of looking for things that are wrong, or punishing ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, it’s time to take a new approach. Mistakes show you that you can do things differently – they are a blessing. Take an evening off of judging your next date, or yourself, and see how you feel by the end of the night.

Spend time doing something you love. Everyone needs a recharge when they are dating. Spending free time doing something you love is a great coping mechanism, because it gives you a new outlook. It’s hard to cultivate joy and excitement for a date unless you do things that bring you joy and excitement.

Practice patience. Easier said than done, I know. But this is essential for dating. Without patience, you will find yourself settling for someone who’s not right for you, or giving up on relationships before you get to experience someone great. Take your time, trust in the process, and just breathe. When you slow down, step back, and take the pressure off of yourself and others, you’ll see there’s more room for fun, for connection. And possibly for love.