Relationships

A friend of mine is taking a dating sabbatical. She just lost her job due to corporate restructuring. She gained a few pounds over the winter. And for once, her dating calendar is not wall-to-wall excitement. She's in a bit of a slump.

All of us have been there at one time or another. We've just gotten dumped, lost the big promotion, suffered some sort of personal setback and things just aren't going our way. Our self-esteem takes a hit. We end up hanging out in our pajamas with the cat on Friday nights, watching Breakfast Club and Die Hard 2 on TNT and gnawing on a log of frozen cookie dough or eating Captain Crunch right out of the box.

When we venture out of the house for more junk food/another horrible day at the office/our best friend's wedding, it feels like the world, our world, might just be spinning in the wrong direction.

For some people, the answer to the personal slump is to stop dating altogether. When we're at our lowest, we tend to attract different people than we do when we're up and feeling like we're walking the world on a leash. Why? Confidence attracts. When you feel good, you believe you deserve every good thing (and person) that comes your way. You take more time with your appearance, eat better, spend more time with friends and have a better outlook on life in general.

On the other hand, when we feel bad, the same thing applies. We take less time with our appearance (why bother?), we eat comfort foods as though fat and sugar were going to be outlawed next month, and we tend to stick close to home. Which means, if we do happen to meet someone fabulous, it's highly likely that we'll kill the relationship before it even starts. Why? Our actions reinforce what we already believe -- we're not worth the effort, and this date, like everything else this week, is going south.

Like attracts like. Which means, if you're good-looking and successful, you'll attract others who are good-looking and successful. But those characteristics are entirely subjective. Which means, you only have to feel good-looking and successful to attract others who are good-looking and successful. If you feel like crap, you're automatically demoted a few links on the food chain, and your prospects diminish accordingly.

So when you're faced with a temporary slump, aside from riding out the storm by hiding out like Quasimodo, chained to the television with a crate of pork rinds, what can you do?
You can fake it. Fake it until you make it.

Am I suggesting you go around pretending to be Lithuanian royalty, or an NFL kicker? No. (Even though nobody ever remembers their names, and they are quite petite, as professional athletes go…) And, I'm not suggesting you fake being richer or better educated or better connected than you really are. Frankly, it's a bad idea to pretend to be something you're not. But there's nothing wrong with pretending to be yourself. At least until your normal self gets back. As any publicist or PR pro will tell you: it's all about the spin.

The key to faking it is to live the life you want until it's the life you have. All you need is a little adjustment in perspective. The key to feeling like your old self (or, your new self, if you're trying to move up) is to live the life you want, be the person you want to be, and let the details follow.

Think of your overall attractiveness like a credit score. Losing a job, getting dumped, or even losing one eyebrow in a freak depilatory accident is like making your car payment a few weeks late. It's not the ideal situation, but frankly, when you average out the numbers it hardly makes a dent.

Your life isn't just the sum of your accomplishments, it is also the impact you make on your friends, family and the world. A slump is not a life sentence, it's a slump. And it wouldn't be a slump if there wasn't a way back up.

Building a relationship is never an easy task. Even after many years of living together couples still have to deal with their differences that became so obvious the very first day of their cohabitation. That's why much patience is required when starting a full-fledged relationship with a person whom you only know through correspondence and the two of you have spent just a week or two together.

Culture

If your partner comes from a faraway country and a culture very much different from your own, these differences may become the greatest source of tensions for you as a newly born couple. It can be silly things like - she's used to having instant coffee and just can't figure out the coffee-maker; or she forgets to say hello and smile to your next door neighbor. But it can also apply to things by far more important - like family budget and relations with in-laws. If the little misunderstandings in the kitchen could be solved rather quickly with a good share of humor, the more serious issues will require a lot of time and effort to settle. Don't forget that what seems natural to you is a completely new way of thinking that she's not accustomed to. Communicate your position reasonably, hear out what she has to say about the issue, and work out together where your opposing opinions can meet.

Understanding

As an accepting party taking in a foreigner into your house, you have a better chance of seeing the bigger picture behind your tensions. After all, you're still in your own country, your family and friends are close at hand and ready to support you. On the whole your lifestyle remains almost intact. Now imaging how your partner's life changes - she's out of her background, away from family and friends, in a completely new surrounding, having to speak a language which is not her native any time she wants to be understood. It's pretty much akin to turning one's life upside down and around 180 degrees. If the conflict is becoming too intense, be prepared to concede and if needed get back to discussing the issue when both of you are not so wound up emotionally.

Adjustment

Any change generates tension, and depending on the individual's adaptability radical change may provoke different degrees of stress. Thus, do your best to introduce change slowly and without pressuring your partner too much. Don't expect her to change overnight. Give her time and space to learn. Most of the people can adjust to any kind of life changes, but it's better if they do it at their own pace establishing analogies between the old and the new.

The extra mile

Keep in mind that simply working through the cultural tensions and stress caused by radical change of environment is simply not enough to make a relationship function properly. That will only save it from collapsing at the very beginning. A lot of love and affection, as well as tolerance and time is required to establish firm ties between two people and make living together not only bearable but enjoyable for both of you.

After all, you know you're not taking this risk for nothing. With the help of the modern technology you've met a person whom you would most probably never meet otherwise. If you believe that this precious person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, don't hesitate to take that extra step and go the extra mile for her. Getting to know each other deeply and intimately, you'll be able to create a symbiotic relationship grounded in trust, respect and communication.

You're a man in your 50s and she's barely 25. You wonder if it's even worth trying to establish a relationship and she tells you she doesn't mind your age. Or perhaps she even says she's in love with you? If I were you I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. But keep in mind that stranger things happen every day, so she just might be telling you the truth about her feelings. Don't lose your head, no matter how eloquent she is at expressing her feelings. Instead, try to figure out why she's into you. Here's what a friend of mine, a girl in her early 20s, tells about why she prefers older men to their younger counterparts:

1. An older man, and I mean mid 40s early 50s age group, is not the same as he was 20 years before. He usually won't act all goofy around you, won't make a fool of himself in public, and won't hurt you for nothing just because he had a rough day at work. He's more stable emotionally and is prepared to discuss with you the issues the two of you might have, instead of running around screaming and shouting hysterically to make his point. He doesn't tend to mistake a simple misunderstanding for a relationship disaster.

2. An older man is more inclined to feel responsible for the girl he is with. By this age the man is normally a fully developed individual. He has made a career of some sort and most probably has subordinates at work. So he doesn't shun away in fear when someone has to take the lead in a stressful situation. This appeals to girls like me coz I don't always want to be dealing with life on my own. Sometimes I just want a man to tell me what to do or simply let him take care of it all himself.

3. After 40 the man has already lived past his sexual peak and it's again good news for his girl. I'm not joking!! He's not like 'I'm ready baby, lets get down to business' anymore. He's not inclined to pressure you. He's more gentle and leading rather than pushing and insisting. He doesn't ignite so fast, which leaves a lot of time to engage in foreplay. And what's more important - he knows what to do to make a girl feel right.

4. I'm a late child of my parents and I'm really close with my father. Perhaps that's why I'm looking for a man with me to be a lot older than I. I like to be treated like a little girl and I like the man to take the lead - it's just such a turn-on really!!

Of course there are more reasons why some girls find older men attractive. If the age difference is no more than 10 years, it can be disregarded altogether, provided that the two of you 'click' socially and emotionally. If the age difference is much more than 10 years, you should think of it twice and ask the girl a few questions. For example:

- Do you usually fall in love with men of my age, or it's the first time you're interested in a man significantly older than yourself?

- How would your friends react if they saw you with a man who's old enough to be your father?

- Let alone the fact that I'm a foreigner, but I'm also much older than you - What if your parents were really against our relationship?

If her replies sound untrue, perhaps she's merely after your pocket. But if her answers are grounded in reality, she just might be one of those 'Daddy's girls', like the friend of mine I mentioned above. So never lose hope, but keep your eyes wide open at all times.

Here is our second article in our top ten series. The focus of this dating tip article will be on profiles and the common mistakes that are made when creating them.

1. The Rushed Profile - The first and most common mistake online daters do when creating a profile is they rush it. A lot of singles when going to a dating site tend to create a basic profile quickly when they join because they would rather be searching on the site for other singles than filling in a profile. They have the intention of going back and fix their profile but most never do. They then wonder why no one responds to their profile. You need to put a lot of thought into your profile and it's best to do it right the first time since this is what will reflect you on the site or sites you join. Read through all the questions carefully and answer as many as you can.
   
2. Skipped Essay Questions - Most people hate writing essay questions. The best way to deal with essay questions is take your time to write them using your favorite word processor. This will allow you to have a big page to write on (most sites give you a small box to put your answer) as well as a spell and grammar checker to use. It also allows you to take your time to write your answers and not feel pressure to hit that submit button so you can finish the rest of your profile when you are writing it on a dating site. Most dating sites ask the same 3 basic essay questions. They are General Information, Describe your Appearance and finally, What are you Looking For. Once written, all you have to do is copy and paste your answers into your profile. This is also great if you are using more than one dating site.
   
3. No Pictures - This is probably the worst offender of profile goofs that a single can make. If you expect any winks, kisses or messages on a dating site you MUST include at least one picture (more is better). Studies have shown that having a picture of yourself in your profile increases your chances of a response by up to 10 times.
   
4. Picture Quality - Pictures, Part 2. When you include pictures, make sure the quality is good. It's best to have your main picture to be of just yourself in a fun pose with a smile on your face. You want people to be looking at you, not your surroundings or at other people in the picture. Make sure the picture is of good quality, the proper brightness and no red eye. These things are easy to do if you have a little knowledge of photoshop or you could always take your picture into a photography store and they will digitize it and touch it up for you for a small fee. Your other pictures should be of you having fun and showing off what you like to do in your spare time (with or with out friends)
   
5. The Boring Headline - This is probably one of the hardest thing to write. How do you some up yourself in one sentence and still make it eye catching and sound attractive to the people looking through search results? For best results try including your favorite hobby in your headline in a humorous way. As an example, if you enjoy golf you could say "New York golf gal...looking for a partner".
   
6. Personal Information - Do not include any personal information in your public profile. This would include your real name, your street address (postal code, city, state, country is ok), phone numbers and email addresses. You don't want to give this type of information out until you have at least emailed (using the dating sites anonymous emailer) each other a few times to get a good feeling about the other person. Most people on dating sites are just like you, looking to find someone special but there are a few kooks out there. For more information on dating safety read our first Top 10 article. "10 Tips on having a fun and safe first date."
   
7. Likes & Dislikes - It's pretty obvious to state what you are looking for in a person but you should also mention what you are not looking for. This should be done near the end of the profile. Too much negativity in any profile and especially at the beginning will turn off people right away. As an example, If you hate people smoking (your date killer) and you would never date someone who smokes you should mention this in your profile. Who wants to waste time getting to know someone online, start becoming emotionally attached and then you realize on your first in person date that he or she smokes. You have now wasted a lot of time and energy in this person when a simply statement of "no smokers please" would have prevented him or her from contacting you (You Hope!).
   
8. Honesty - Be honest in all aspects of your profile. In the end, if you are not, you will only be harming yourself by people being disappointed when they don't meet the person portrayed in your profile. That means if you have an average built body, say average and not athletic. Later on in the profile you could include in your essay that you are currently having fun working out in a gym. This shows that you are an active person who is intent on losing those few extra pounds (which most of us have!)
   
9. Talking Jargon - Don't use to much jargon, or you will be cutting out potential single candidates. People tend to skim read profiles pretty fast and if someone is unsure of the acronym you have used to describe yourself or something you do then the person reading will most likely hit the next button. This is not a personal ad you are creating for a newspaper where extra words cost you more money.
   
10. Expectations - This point is similar to number 8, Honesty. Try not to brag in your profile about yourself. As an example, you may be proud of your million dollar house and your new sports car in the garage but you will just attract the wrong type of people, the people who just want you for your money. Instead write that you enjoy a comfortable living. You don't want to create an unrealistic over blown exaggeration of yourself to other singles, in the end it will be you who is disappointed.

Don't be afraid to change your profile around if you are not getting any responses or if you are getting responses but from not the right type of people. Switch your photo or edit your headline and try again. This is not an exact science so it may take a few tries to get it right, good luck!

Lately most dating sites are using a new way to display search results to their single members. The old way was to display the matching profiles to your search request in rows, one after another. They included such information as:

• A Photo if available
• Location (Usually City, State/Province and Country)
• Gender and what gender you are seeking
• Your Age
• Relationship Status
• Your Username
• Headline
• When you were last online

From there you could do a number of things such as view the profile, add to favorites, send a wink and Instant Message (if the single is online). Most dating sites used a variation of this formula.

Here are 10 tips on having a fun and safe first date. These guidelines may make online dating sound scary but it is always best to be cautious since you are meeting basically a stranger that know one you know has vouched for. Of course meeting someone for the first time through online dating is no diferent than meeting someone at a night club or bar.

These tips are not in any order of significant.

1. Know your date. Don't go out with someone unless you have exchanged emails a few times and talked on the phone. Make sure you have a good feeling about the person. Trust your inner voice. If the other person is for real, he or she should understand and be able to wait a bit longer.

2. Meet in a public place for the first few times. Have coffee at a restaurant or go to a movie. Most likely nothing will happen but it is better to be safe than sorry.

3. For a fist date, maybe invite the person to a party you are going too where you will have some friends and they will be able to bring some their friends. If it doesn't work out at least you can still have some fun.

4. Always tell someone where you are going and who you are going with, and tell them you will call when you get home. Make sure to bring your cell phone and some extra money, just in case you find out you are not a match and you need to get home.

5. Make sure you have a time limit on your first date. It will allow for an out if you need it. A good example for this is going to lunch.

6. Get a few photo's of the person, especially some with his friends or family. It will give you some hints on what type of person he is plus you will know who to look for when you go to meet him or her.

7. Don't let the person pick you up at home, meet the person at the location you are going to. You shouldn't give out your address until you have met the person a few times. Always be aware of the personal information you're revealing to a date. Most likely nothing will happen but it is better to be safe than sorry.

8. Never do anything you feel unsure about. As an example if he or she suggests to sitting at the back of the theater and you don't want to, then don't. If they continue to try, walk out. If the person has already raised a few red flags on the first date, it probably is not going to work out.

9. Refrain from drinking excessively, as it could impair your ability to make good decisions.

10. Finally SafeDate or other services like it, for a small fee will do a criminal background check for you of your date. I have never used them and I feel if you follow the above tips everything should be fine, but if you have any doubt or worries maybe these services would be worthwhile.