Relationships

Ever wonder what makes people compatible? Well, a recent study by eHarmony and the Oxford Internet Institute says that there's no place like home for people seeking true compatibility.

eHarmony considered the results of over 1,000 UK couples in the survey, considering responses to questions about culture and preferences for relationships. The results indicated that certain cultures shared similar beliefs and were thus more likely to result in more successful cross-cultural relationships. Some examples would be striking similarities between UK and U.S. cultures as well as relationships between residents of South American countries such as Argentina and Spain or Mexico and Brazil. Contrarily, people from strikingly different cultures such as Mexico and Japan or China and India are said to have less opportunity for relationship success.

While the final results of the joint study between eHarmony and the Oxford Internet Institute have not been published in their entirety, the initial results offer some food for thought in the world of online dating. Perhaps you never considered dating someone with a different cultural background than yours. Well, now's the time to add those criteria to your search! Here are two things to consider when conducting your online dating search for a mate from a different culture:

Religious Background: Understand your commitment to your personal religious beliefs when you initiate your online dating efforts. This will help you as you choose profiles to review. For example: staunch Christians may not share enough in common with someone from an East Indian background due to the prevalence of Hinduism in that culture.

Cultural Rituals: Do you celebrate Christmas? Is Mardi Gras a huge event for your family? Do you observe the Chinese New Year? Don't be afraid to open up a dialogue with a new date about landmark events that light up their calendar and feel free to share those of you own.

For more on the story read the official eHarmony Blog and to find out more about the dating site mentioned in this article, check out our eHarmony review.

According to a recent article from PC World, geeks are the most romantic bunch of folk out there! Whether it's men being able to better identify with tech-savvy women or simply the inherently creative nature of techier gigs, it seems that geeks rule both the online and real world romantic spaces. And guys - there's something to back up your argument when people say geeks are no fun!

But what about the ladies? The article reports that geek girls (or "geekettes") are more likely than their non-tech savvy fellow femmes to have more active social live. This translates into delving into the online dating scene as well as other tech-based social activities like FourSquare, Brightkite and community or regional groups like Meetup.com. So the bottom line is: nothing's wrong with being a bit of a geek, especially when you're out and looking for love.

If you're still a bit skeptical about the allure of "geekdom," we've put together a list of awesome things that geeks bring to the dating table:

• Great shoppers - A geek knows his or her way around online shopping. Give them a mouse and a laptop and they'll click their way to shopping bliss.
• They're connected - When you come across a fellow geek on an online dating site, they're likely to be better with emails and communicating before the first date. Tech is their niche, so take advantage of some great email banter!
• Oh-so-resourceful - Since a geek knows their way around a computer just think of their ability to tap into the local pulse. Live music, local events, movies and dinner reservations - the options are endless. Need something researched and planned? Give it to a geek!
• Simply handy - It's not so bad having a techie close by. Think iPhone snarls, cell phone questions, mp3 download and home theater system hookups. Sometimes you just can't beat "geek" for answering the questions posed by modern technology.

Recently a friend of mine started dating a new guy. A few days ago, she confessed that she felt something was wrong, something was lacking - but she couldn't quite put it into words.

Naturally, I start questioning her. Was it chemistry? Nope. Was he boring? No. Did she have feelings for him? Yes. This went on for awhile, until, frustrated, I asked her to come up with some concrete examples of what was bothering her.

“Well, I was really busy at work last month,” she began. “And then he had to go out of the country for a few weeks. So, he's back now, and... everything is the same.”

I wasn't impressed. “So?” I said.

That was, literally, the entire problem. He hadn't fallen in love with someone when he was out of the country. Things weren't weird due to their time apart. And that seemed strange to her.

She wasn't seeking the excitement of difficulty, I gathered. She simply was waiting for the other shoe to drop – a sort of cynicism I hadn't quite thought about before.

People often rail about the negative effects of fairy tales and romantic movies – they say it conditions people to expect fireworks, that everything is always lovely. I say depictions of relationships in pop culture do the opposite just as often.

Think about it: what happens when you see a couple that is seemingly comfortable? One of them has an affair, or gets hit by a truck, or turns out to be an enemy spy, or gets kidnapped. If a character isn't falling in love, they're having love cruelly ripped from them.

This makes sense, from a storytelling standpoint; a tale of a happy couple would be boring to most after a few minutes. There needs to be some conflict, some drama, to keep the story moving.

But life isn't a carefully plotted script. Sometimes, there isn't a villain waiting in the wings. Sometimes everything is simply normal, and you can relax. Bear this in mind as you start your new relationships; don't let the beauty of comfort pass by because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ever play a slot machine? It usually starts out well – you put in a dollar, get ten cents here, five cents there, and before you know it, you've doubled your starting amount. It might be wise to stop here, take the money and run... but most people won't. Thinking your streak will keep going, you keep pressing on, until you're down – or flat broke.

Sometimes dating can be the same way. Online dating is the most obvious example; you're bombarded with “new matches!” every few days on most sites. Even if you're dating someone and it's going well, it can be tempting to peek at the new matches and gauge what you could be missing.

Even if you don't have an account at an online dating site, the “slot machine mentality” can still apply. Some people have been looking so long, or simply have a certain type of personality, that it can be difficult to turn off that “scan and search” mode when they're out. Sure, their current relationship might be going smoothly – but is there something better out there?

Just like in the casino, this kind of behavior can be disastrous for your relationship prospects. Looking for the elusive, fictional perfect person will keep you from completely engaging in any other relationships, ultimately dooming them.

Next time you turn back to the drawing board of potential dates, ask yourself: Have you really been unsuccessful thus far? Or are you simply looking to see if there's anything better?

Some might say it's human nature to keep pressing the button on the slot machine – a base animal instinct. However, it's always possible to walk away when you've doubled your dollar; it just takes a little self-control. Don't let primal human greed keep you from finding – or fully enjoying – a fulfilling relationship.

Something Suddenly Came Up

Remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Marcia accepted a date with one guy, not someone she really liked all that much, then cancelled on him using a weak excuse because the Big Man On Campus asked her out?

The real life version of this is when someone you've gone out on a few dates with suddenly informs you they can no longer date you because they've met someone else.

That's right. You're the person they weren't all that taken with, but that they dated, while they waited for someone "better" to come along.

You see this more often with people you meet online. Naturally, that medium encourages a level of multi-tasking. Lots of people do it, this juggling of dates. The question I have is: why do we feel like we HAVE to have several eggs in our basket? Do you really want to have a relationship with the person who ranked Number 2 or 3 after you've been working towards being with Number 1?

Isn't that a bit of a let down?

Conversely, have you ever been told that you're second on the roster and that you're in competition with someone else?

I had this happen to me last December. The guy and I had a perfectly great date. Before the end of the night, he had asked me out for a second date. He asked me to choose between two nights the following week so we could go out again. I chose Wednesday.

The day after he asked me out for date two, he emailed me telling me he "suddenly" remembered he had a work obligation.

Uh oh. I smell trouble. The next day I get another message from him.

I am not one to play games so I will tell you that I met someone recently and we went out several times. I think I am leaning towards seeing where things go with them. I haven't made a final decision yet. I enjoyed spending time with you but I want to be up front about my situation so you know how things stand.
:)

Before you get outraged ... he signed off with a smiley face. So he's not a bad guy, okay?

I didn't know how to respond. Do I say that I understood and that it's no problem and keep our date, thereby saying I'd happy to wait for him to decide if I made the cut? Or do I thank him for his honesty and suggest we just leave things at one date.

In the spirit of Embracing Number 2, I chose the second option.

It's my belief that he wasn't telling me this news to be honest. I believe he believed that, and I think he was being as honest as he could be. But that level of honesty didn't really work for me. It felt more like passive aggression. He told me something that almost forced me to bow out so he wouldn't be the bad guy. He wanted me to do the dirty work for him.

It's not that I don't understand the need to keep your options open. I do. But isn't there a more efficient way to do this that doesn't involve hurting someone's feelings? Like, I don't know, keeping the information that you're dating other people to yourself?

Ever been on a date and realized it's a completely inappropriate venue for your relationship? Like when you're a teenager, just barely holding hands, and you see a movie that turns out to be uncomfortably steamy. Or when you and a friend, with the potential for more, go to a stage show, and it turns out to be an interactive cabaret intended for couples.

Maybe I should simply better research my outings.

At any rate, this is essentially what a date on Valentine's Day is like for a couple in the infant stages of their relationship. A first date – or a second or even third – on Valentine's Day can be pretty dicey. Suddenly a fragile young couple is on the streets with countless established relationships who have moony eyes, arms wrapped around each other. Maybe they're in a restaurant with romantic lighting and meaningful gazes firing around them like bullets. For a couple that is barely more than friends, the situation can be quite uncomfortable – or maybe it's only uncomfortable for one of them.

Can you be certain that you and your date are on the same page when it comes to Valentine's Day and it's meaningfulness – or lack thereof? Communication is essential in any relationship, and perhaps now is the perfect time to open a dialogue. Be open with your date – if you feel you must venture out on Valentine's Day, plan the outing together. Place the emphasis on fun rather than romance; many people only go through the drippy candles and violins because they feel it's expected of them. Make the date tailored to your interests, and hopefully you'll avoid the raised expectations and stuffy date fare that plagues other couples.

Oh, and take it from me, this is a day in which you should really, really research the appropriateness of your plans.