Relationships

According to a recent article from PC World, geeks are the most romantic bunch of folk out there! Whether it's men being able to better identify with tech-savvy women or simply the inherently creative nature of techier gigs, it seems that geeks rule both the online and real world romantic spaces. And guys - there's something to back up your argument when people say geeks are no fun!

But what about the ladies? The article reports that geek girls (or "geekettes") are more likely than their non-tech savvy fellow femmes to have more active social live. This translates into delving into the online dating scene as well as other tech-based social activities like FourSquare, Brightkite and community or regional groups like Meetup.com. So the bottom line is: nothing's wrong with being a bit of a geek, especially when you're out and looking for love.

If you're still a bit skeptical about the allure of "geekdom," we've put together a list of awesome things that geeks bring to the dating table:

• Great shoppers - A geek knows his or her way around online shopping. Give them a mouse and a laptop and they'll click their way to shopping bliss.
• They're connected - When you come across a fellow geek on an online dating site, they're likely to be better with emails and communicating before the first date. Tech is their niche, so take advantage of some great email banter!
• Oh-so-resourceful - Since a geek knows their way around a computer just think of their ability to tap into the local pulse. Live music, local events, movies and dinner reservations - the options are endless. Need something researched and planned? Give it to a geek!
• Simply handy - It's not so bad having a techie close by. Think iPhone snarls, cell phone questions, mp3 download and home theater system hookups. Sometimes you just can't beat "geek" for answering the questions posed by modern technology.

Recently a friend of mine started dating a new guy. A few days ago, she confessed that she felt something was wrong, something was lacking - but she couldn't quite put it into words.

Naturally, I start questioning her. Was it chemistry? Nope. Was he boring? No. Did she have feelings for him? Yes. This went on for awhile, until, frustrated, I asked her to come up with some concrete examples of what was bothering her.

“Well, I was really busy at work last month,” she began. “And then he had to go out of the country for a few weeks. So, he's back now, and... everything is the same.”

I wasn't impressed. “So?” I said.

That was, literally, the entire problem. He hadn't fallen in love with someone when he was out of the country. Things weren't weird due to their time apart. And that seemed strange to her.

She wasn't seeking the excitement of difficulty, I gathered. She simply was waiting for the other shoe to drop – a sort of cynicism I hadn't quite thought about before.

People often rail about the negative effects of fairy tales and romantic movies – they say it conditions people to expect fireworks, that everything is always lovely. I say depictions of relationships in pop culture do the opposite just as often.

Think about it: what happens when you see a couple that is seemingly comfortable? One of them has an affair, or gets hit by a truck, or turns out to be an enemy spy, or gets kidnapped. If a character isn't falling in love, they're having love cruelly ripped from them.

This makes sense, from a storytelling standpoint; a tale of a happy couple would be boring to most after a few minutes. There needs to be some conflict, some drama, to keep the story moving.

But life isn't a carefully plotted script. Sometimes, there isn't a villain waiting in the wings. Sometimes everything is simply normal, and you can relax. Bear this in mind as you start your new relationships; don't let the beauty of comfort pass by because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ever play a slot machine? It usually starts out well – you put in a dollar, get ten cents here, five cents there, and before you know it, you've doubled your starting amount. It might be wise to stop here, take the money and run... but most people won't. Thinking your streak will keep going, you keep pressing on, until you're down – or flat broke.

Sometimes dating can be the same way. Online dating is the most obvious example; you're bombarded with “new matches!” every few days on most sites. Even if you're dating someone and it's going well, it can be tempting to peek at the new matches and gauge what you could be missing.

Even if you don't have an account at an online dating site, the “slot machine mentality” can still apply. Some people have been looking so long, or simply have a certain type of personality, that it can be difficult to turn off that “scan and search” mode when they're out. Sure, their current relationship might be going smoothly – but is there something better out there?

Just like in the casino, this kind of behavior can be disastrous for your relationship prospects. Looking for the elusive, fictional perfect person will keep you from completely engaging in any other relationships, ultimately dooming them.

Next time you turn back to the drawing board of potential dates, ask yourself: Have you really been unsuccessful thus far? Or are you simply looking to see if there's anything better?

Some might say it's human nature to keep pressing the button on the slot machine – a base animal instinct. However, it's always possible to walk away when you've doubled your dollar; it just takes a little self-control. Don't let primal human greed keep you from finding – or fully enjoying – a fulfilling relationship.

Something Suddenly Came Up

Remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Marcia accepted a date with one guy, not someone she really liked all that much, then cancelled on him using a weak excuse because the Big Man On Campus asked her out?

The real life version of this is when someone you've gone out on a few dates with suddenly informs you they can no longer date you because they've met someone else.

That's right. You're the person they weren't all that taken with, but that they dated, while they waited for someone "better" to come along.

You see this more often with people you meet online. Naturally, that medium encourages a level of multi-tasking. Lots of people do it, this juggling of dates. The question I have is: why do we feel like we HAVE to have several eggs in our basket? Do you really want to have a relationship with the person who ranked Number 2 or 3 after you've been working towards being with Number 1?

Isn't that a bit of a let down?

Conversely, have you ever been told that you're second on the roster and that you're in competition with someone else?

I had this happen to me last December. The guy and I had a perfectly great date. Before the end of the night, he had asked me out for a second date. He asked me to choose between two nights the following week so we could go out again. I chose Wednesday.

The day after he asked me out for date two, he emailed me telling me he "suddenly" remembered he had a work obligation.

Uh oh. I smell trouble. The next day I get another message from him.

I am not one to play games so I will tell you that I met someone recently and we went out several times. I think I am leaning towards seeing where things go with them. I haven't made a final decision yet. I enjoyed spending time with you but I want to be up front about my situation so you know how things stand.
:)

Before you get outraged ... he signed off with a smiley face. So he's not a bad guy, okay?

I didn't know how to respond. Do I say that I understood and that it's no problem and keep our date, thereby saying I'd happy to wait for him to decide if I made the cut? Or do I thank him for his honesty and suggest we just leave things at one date.

In the spirit of Embracing Number 2, I chose the second option.

It's my belief that he wasn't telling me this news to be honest. I believe he believed that, and I think he was being as honest as he could be. But that level of honesty didn't really work for me. It felt more like passive aggression. He told me something that almost forced me to bow out so he wouldn't be the bad guy. He wanted me to do the dirty work for him.

It's not that I don't understand the need to keep your options open. I do. But isn't there a more efficient way to do this that doesn't involve hurting someone's feelings? Like, I don't know, keeping the information that you're dating other people to yourself?

Ever been on a date and realized it's a completely inappropriate venue for your relationship? Like when you're a teenager, just barely holding hands, and you see a movie that turns out to be uncomfortably steamy. Or when you and a friend, with the potential for more, go to a stage show, and it turns out to be an interactive cabaret intended for couples.

Maybe I should simply better research my outings.

At any rate, this is essentially what a date on Valentine's Day is like for a couple in the infant stages of their relationship. A first date – or a second or even third – on Valentine's Day can be pretty dicey. Suddenly a fragile young couple is on the streets with countless established relationships who have moony eyes, arms wrapped around each other. Maybe they're in a restaurant with romantic lighting and meaningful gazes firing around them like bullets. For a couple that is barely more than friends, the situation can be quite uncomfortable – or maybe it's only uncomfortable for one of them.

Can you be certain that you and your date are on the same page when it comes to Valentine's Day and it's meaningfulness – or lack thereof? Communication is essential in any relationship, and perhaps now is the perfect time to open a dialogue. Be open with your date – if you feel you must venture out on Valentine's Day, plan the outing together. Place the emphasis on fun rather than romance; many people only go through the drippy candles and violins because they feel it's expected of them. Make the date tailored to your interests, and hopefully you'll avoid the raised expectations and stuffy date fare that plagues other couples.

Oh, and take it from me, this is a day in which you should really, really research the appropriateness of your plans.

It's the internet age. Whether you meet someone through an online dating website or while running your most recent 5k, there are dating safety considerations that you likely haven't considered. It's pretty easy to find anyone these days, given the infinite possibilities the internet extends. However - do you really want just anyone to be able to find you?

We sat down and compiled the top five dating safety tips that you probably haven't even thought about. Ten years ago, these things weren't even an issue. Today is an entirely different dating ballgame!

Geolocation: Do you use cool smart phone apps like Four Square or Brightkite? They're tons of fun to help you explore new places and share information with friends and others in your local area. However - they all use geolocation. They pinpoint you at an exact place, at an exact time. Applications like Four Square also share ALL of your contact information (phone number and email address included) with anyone you accept as a "friend." So think twice before accepting friend requests and think about where you check in. Try not to check in at locations too close to your home and consider when it's OK to share your location with the world. Sometimes people just don't need to know.

Facebook: It's huge. Everyone seems to be everyone's friend these days. But do you actually KNOW the people you're adding to your friends roster? My advice is that you should. Facebook personal profiles are for friends, family and acquaintances. If you run a business, create a Facebook Fan Page and connect with colleagues, customers and other business connections on there. And here's a word of caution for dating: wait a bit before connecting with people you're dating on applications like Facebook. They'll have access to all of your friends, photos and daily life comments. Make them earn access to your inner sanctum. Keep your personal life personal. Also, check all of your uploaded photos for things like shots of your home or license plate. These are things that sneak into our photos without us even realizing it and are prime fuel for anyone dead-set on finding us (even when we don't want to be found).

Blogs: In today's online age, tons of people have personal or business blogs. If you're one of those people, those outlets are easy ways for people to find you. If you use WordPress, you have the ability to block a user's IP address from accessing your site if you're being harassed (thank you, WordPress!). Other blogging software offers the same capability. If you have a blog or other online presence, don't post your email address. Use a contact form or mask your email address using a website like this email address encoder. Don't list your phone number on a personal blog or website. If people want to get hold of you, there's nothing that can't wait until you respond to an email. And if they have a legitimate reason for contacting you, they'll understand your privacy and pursuit of safe online practices.

Personal Profiles: Online dating sites, blogs, social networking profiles like Facebook and MySpace...there are tons of places online for you to tell people who you are and what you like. But how much information is too much? If you're a prominent blogger or media professional, you have to let people know who you are any why you're a credible source. Establishing a personality may be key to your livelihood. But you can still play it safe and not give away the milk for free. Never give your address - a city and state is fine. Consider carefully posting the names of children and/or their pictures. Unless your online presence has something to do with your employer, don't share where you work (employers hate stalkers!). There are ways to be who you are and in all its glory without letting a date-gone-bad (or even a date gone great) do more digging and discover information about you that you didn't even know you were making available. If you go to school (even college), don't post your school name - your major and graduation year are fine. In fact, leave off the graduation year if you like as it speaks to age (another identifying factor). Think before you post - that's the theme here. Just because everything is available over the internet doesn't mean you have to make it so easy to find.

Business Addresses: Do you work for yourself and enjoy the bliss of making your own hours and working in bunny slippers? Then it's likely you have a business address: your home. If you went the formal route of establishing a business entity, then your home address is listed on your corporate formation paperwork with the Secretary of State's office in your state. This information is public record. Consider heavily whether you want to obtain a "virtual" business address from a respected source. Many outlets like Mailboxes, Etc. offer street addresses for a modest annual fee. You can also do a web search for "virtual business address" and compare listing prices. Since P.O. boxes aren't allowed for business addresses, virtual addresses are a safer route than listing your actual home address. After all - you love working for yourself and it's a topic that comes up on first dates everywhere: what do you do for a living? No reason to make it so easy for your date to track you down in public records.

Here's the bottom line for dating safety in the digital age: if you post something online, people can find it. Social networking and online dating sites are great fun, but understand what new applications make public information before you go all gung-ho. It's your safety at hand, and start thinking iSafe instead of iPhone!