Relationships

Given that 50% of all marriages in the U.S. currently end in divorce according to the CDC, the question begs: how do you get back in the swing of things after divorce? Dating is a foreign world to many who have been in long-term marriages and perhaps raised children who have now gone off to college. Times have changed and quite frankly, so have you. Don't fret about learning how to move and shake again - with a few simple tips, you'll be well on the road to being you as you meet someone new!

After Divorce Dating Tip #1: Dress to Impress Yourself
Look in your closet and tell me what you see. I'll be that you're the one who bought most of the clothes hanging in there. If not, go grab your favorite shirt and pair of pants for me. If you're a gal, grab your favorite top and bottom. Put them on the bed and step back. Have a look at them and ask, "Why do I like these things?" If you can't come up with a reason other than you like how you feel when you wear them, BINGO! That's the right date outfit. Your date is going to move past your clothes in the first 10 minutes, so you might as well feel great while you sit there as they get interested in YOU instead of what you're wearing!

After Divorce Dating Tip #2: Understand History, Don't Repeat It
Just because your marriage or your date's marriage didn't work doesn't mean you're destined for repeated demise. Life happens. We can either learn from it or we can doom ourselves to make the same mistakes over and over again. Sometimes it's hard when you begin dating again after a divorce to realize that this new person isn't out to ruin your life. Learn from your mistakes, hope your date has learned from theirs and place yourself in a position to mutually earn and give trust. That's when you'll see red flags (and decide to lower them, too)!

After Divorce Dating Tip #3: Love YOU First
You're emerging from a tumultuous time in your life. It's possible the person sitting across from you is as well. The most important person in any relationship you'll begin from here on out it you. Maybe you have kids and they'll be a major consideration as well. But understand that you should never give up the beautiful person that is you while you look for someone with which to share yourself. A successful relationship is not only based on trust - it's based on a mutual respect for each person in the relationship and the things (good AND bad) they bring to the table.

As you begin your online search for your perfect match, you might have a certain physical type in mind. Most online dating sites are happy to help; they'll let you search for a specific body type, as well as define your own shape. Now, personally, I think body type is one of the last filters you should use, but if you must, here's something to remember: men and women seem to define themselves differently.

There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but in general, I've noticed women seem to be more self-critical. A slender woman who might weigh a few pounds more than she likes might call herself “a few extra pounds” or “average,” even though she looks just plain skinny to everyone else. One who is average, either for her height or within the national average, might call herself “fluffy” or “curvy.” And then there are the women who have genuine curves and describe themselves that way, but the men searching for them assume that “curvy” means “overweight.”

In contrast, I've seen several profiles in which a man calls himself “average” when, frankly, a better adjective might be “rotund” or “portly.” Men can be much more forgiving when describing themselves – even more generous than medical definitions.

So why the disconnect? Are men inherently more confident? Should we blame the impractical standards of the media? What should we take away from this?

Well, we should realize that the whole body type thing is entirely subjective, and how you view someone might be different from how they view themselves. So why filter based on body type at all? Why not base searches on common interests, or even make decisions based on whether you find them attractive?

At the very least, attempt to search a little outside your “box” - who knows what you might find?

A colleague of mine was recently on a first date with a girl who, to put it mildly, didn't really click with him. According to him, she said a lot of inappropriate things and he felt uncomfortable. So he excused himself to go to the restroom, exited the restaurant where they were dining and hopped the subway home.

I cringed when he said this. Now, we've all been on dates where we've wanted to escape as quickly as possible. But is high-tailing it to the exit and sticking your date with the bill really the right way to go, no matter how irritating they may be? There are other ways to end the date quickly and painlessly, without being rude and hurting the other person's feelings, or letting them wonder where you went. Following are a few tips:

1. Have a back-up plan. Mention at the beginning of a date that you have an early morning meeting or an appointment following your rendezvous. Making yourself less accessible due to work allows you to make an early exit peacefully.

2. Always plan a brief first date. Instead of dinner or late night drinks, plan a brief meeting over coffee either after work or on the weekend. If you end up liking your date, you can always continue, but a coffee date is the best way to keep things brief and polite.

3. Don't assume you will have a good first date. Even if you have the best phone conversations leading up to the date, or he comes highly recommended by a friend who set you up, do not assume you will click. Stick with #2 and plan a brief first date. If you like him, make plans during the date for the next time you will see each other.

4. Make your feelings clear. Instead of sneaking off when she's not looking, have the courageous conversation. Tell her kindly but directly that you don't think there is any chemistry. Any initial hurt feelings will be replaced with the needed consolation that she wasn't left wondering what happened.

It's a question answered by anyone who's ever looked at an online dating website for a relationship: long distance or no distance? For many, the answer isn't readily apparent. After all, many of us are only at the beginning of digging in our own backyards for Mr. or Mrs. Right! But think for a moment: who says that everlasting love has geographical limits?

Think back to everywhere you lived when you've been in a relationship. Long distance or not, you found someone there that tickled your fancy, made you laugh and had that "thing" that kept you coming back for more. It had nothing to do with where you lived. It had to do with who YOU are and who THAT person was. Granted, seeing them might have been easier since they lived a few blocks or miles away, but when you take geography out of the equation, you'll have to go through a few checkpoints to determine if a long distance relationship is right for you.

Long Distance Relationship Question #1: Travel
Can you get time off? Do you want to take time off? If you can get it and want to take it, do you want to spend it going to visit someone? For some, "long distance" is driving 30 minutes to cross from Denver into Boulder, Colorado. For others, it means hopping on a plane or driving a few hours to get into someone's arms. Gas and airfare cost money, time off takes time. Think before you spend!

Long Distance Relationship Question #2: Trust
You're here. They're there. It takes a lot to trust someone, especially early in a relationship. Don't forget that some people are better mice when the cat is always around (and you may be one of them!).

Long Distance Relationship Question #3: Time Frame
You realize that, if this thing works out, one of you will be moving, right? You can't stay away from one another forever! Keep this in mind if you decide to date across state lines. Many professions are difficult to relocate while others are much easier.

Have you exhausted your current local matches of men on your dating site of choice and need to wait a few weeks before some more join? Give these 10 other spots a try in the mean time as a place to meet men:

1. Have Dinner Out

Busy, single men don’t have time to cook. When they are tired and hungry after work, they dine out at restaurants. So if you want to meet a great guy, try a new restaurant at least once a week.

2. Go to The Gym

Gyms are places where all body conscious men go to let off some steam. If you meet a man at the gym you can see really looks like when he’s all sweaty. If he looks good in gym clothes, he’ll look great in a suit. People who work out are also much happier. If you want to meet an energetic man, get dressed and go to the gym.

3. Give Your Pet Some Love

The sun is out and love is in the air. People are outside enjoying the weather. Take the opportunity to give your dog some extra attention and go to the park. If you don’t have a dog, borrow one. Men love dogs and will often frequent dog runs. If a man sees a woman walking a cute dog, he will most likely start talking to her.

It's no surprise that when you take the plunge and email someone from an online dating website, occasionally you get a response from someone utterly lacking tact, grace, or good sense. I recently heard about one email, however, that made my jaw drop.

A woman decided to email several men that caught her eye (always a good thing – more women need to do first-contact emailing, really). One of them apparently wasn't interested – but rather than letting the email go unanswered, or sending back a “thanks, but no thanks,” he said this: “I don't date cougars.” The woman was 38. The man was 34.

There are several things wrong with this picture. First, I'll address the most obvious: a four-year difference, regardless of gender, is not a cradle-robbing situation when both parties are over the age of twenty. Maybe the guy has a problem with dating someone older, period; that's his prerogative, but his personal hang-up doesn't make her an old lady. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that if a 30-year-old woman emailed him, he wouldn't consider himself an old man.

Then there's the second problem: someone clearly forgot the Golden Rule where you treat others as you would like to be treated. Who wants a snide response from anyone, ever? Now, maybe women don't email first as often; maybe this man is not used to sending rejection emails. That's no excuse for forgetting basic good manners.

It's a sad probability that you will occasionally run into uncouth buffoons on the Internet, same as anywhere else. The important thing to remember is that those occasional bad apples should not dissuade you from meeting new people; they're the exception, not the norm. And, regardless of gender, when you compose your next rejection email, remember that we've all had them. Write one you'd like to receive.