Relationships

It's 2010, and many of us are trying to be more conscious of our carbon footprints by incorporating more environmentally friendly practices in our lives. If you recycle at home, or drive a hybrid car, or do any one of a number of earth-saving measures, why not extend these to your dating life?

Summer is a great time to take advantage of the beautiful weather and try out some green dating ideas:

• Plan a hike, bike ride, or beach walk. The plants are in bloom and it's not too hot or cold during the day to explore one of your local parks on a hike, or stroll along the boardwalk. If you are an urban dweller, plan a walk along a bustling city street that's filled with art galleries and restaurants, so you can wander in and out. If you prefer to be on bike, plan a good route that the two of you can ride, followed by a picnic lunch of organic cheese and grapes.

• Have an eco-friendly dinner. More restaurants are offering locally-grown foods on the menu and organic wines. Now is the perfect time to do some research and try one out.

• Visit your local farmer's market. If you enjoy cooking, stock up on veggies and fruits from the farmer's market and prepare a romantic meal at home. This is more memorable than dinner at an expensive restaurant, and helps local farmers. Use soy candles for atmosphere, since they burn cleaner than regular candles.

• Flea markets are back! Usually once a month, cities host a flea market where local artisans sell clothing, art, and much more. This not only supports your local community, but you are helping the environment by not buying mass-produced products. Grab your date and wander around for a while. You're bound to see something different.

• Looking for a little getaway? Eco-resorts are becoming very popular travel destinations. If you don't have the money to travel, try visiting your local botanical garden or marine preserve. These places are rich with environmentally friendly ideas, and fun places to just hang out.

Suppose you walked up to any two people and asked them how they wished to celebrate their birthdays. Do you think they would respond in the same way?

Most likely not. After all, many people use their birthdays as a day to have fun in a completely personal way. For example, some might want to have a big party. Some might prefer that others throw the party for them. One person might want to spend a quiet day with family, and still another would like a babysitter so they can go see a movie in happy solitude. None of these choices are 'right' or 'wrong'; they're simply a reflection of the personality of the birthday boy or girl.

So too is it when we enter into a relationship. So many people seem to think that their relationship – something entirely personal and individual to the couple – must follow certain rules and timelines. Even if consciously they realize that it's silly to think that all relationships are alike, many still subconsciously expect things to happen in a certain order, a certain way.

After all, how many times have we raised our eyebrows at news of an elopement? Or been surprised that a couple chooses to marry after knowing each other only a few weeks, or living on opposite sides of the world? Maybe we've met someone in a relationship with more than two people. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, just like people.

As you enter into a relationship, take the birthday approach – do what's right for you and your partner. At the end of the day, only the people in the relationship are the ones who need to have input. Don't dwell over whether you should have gotten an engagement ring by now, or what others would say if they knew you spent your anniversary at a bowling alley or that you went on five dates before kissing. Is your relationship happy and healthy? That's all you need to worry about.

We are living in a politically polarized society, and many daters are finding it hard to compromise if someone's political or social viewpoints differ from their own. How much importance should you place on your political compatibility, and at what point do differences become a deal-breaker in the relationship?

Following are some guidelines to determine whether a relationship has a chance to grow, or if it would be better to cut your losses:

• Are your values the same? Many couples differ in political opinions, but their core values are similar. If you find yourselves voting for different political candidates and taking opposing sides on issues, this is not a problem if you both have similar personal values like raising children, fostering your relationship, and respecting each other's opinions.

• Are you tolerant of people whose viewpoints differ from yours? If you find that you are only able to interact with people whose opinions align with yours, you may have a tough time keeping any relationship going. Most people don't agree on everything, so it's important to keep an open mind. Even when you feel passionately about an issue, if you're not being tolerant of your date's opinions, it will be a relationship deal-breaker.

• Is your partner tolerant of your differences? If you are willing to listen and allow your partner to have his differing political opinions, then he should be just as respectful of yours. If you are with someone who wants you to change for him, this is a deal-breaker. Tolerance, respect and understanding are all keys to a good, healthy relationship.

• Do you respect each other's opinions? If you end up in a screaming match every time you attempt to talk about an issue or the latest news report, you may want to reconsider dating each other. Respect for each other's opinions means listening as well as talking. Also, don't try to change your significant other's stance. In this case, agreeing to disagree is the best way to go. If you can't, move on.

Everyone has a dealbreaker – that something that allows them to walk away from a relationship without a second glance. Maybe it's smoking, maybe it's drugs. There's probably someone who will refuse to date anyone that belongs to any given religion or political party, or who owns any animal. Maybe it's a quality that can be a little harder to determine at first glance, like bigotry.

Sometimes, however, our supposed dealbreakers can be a little more shallow. I can remember a time when I used to say, “I don't think I could ever be with someone who was completely tone-deaf. I think I would go crazy.” Thankfully, I never had to actually give up a relationship because of my declaration. But what if I had?

The fact of the matter is, no matter how much we think we know what we want, we have no idea what sort of package will contain a great match until it arrives. So why limit ourselves to silly ultimatums like, “She can't be a vegetarian” or “He can't like country music”?

I have a feeling that if I met a guy who was wonderful in almost every way I could think of, but couldn't carry a tune to save his life, I'd find a way to get past it. In fact, I might even come to love his tone-deaf squawking, if I love him. Actually, aside from core personality issues like the aforementioned bigotry, I can't think of many things I couldn't get past, under the right circumstances.

As you go about constructing your online dating profile, bear this in mind. Sure, it can be easy to come up with superficial dealbreakers on the fly; you're constructing your dream match, after all. But just as the whole “must have green eyes” thing is probably negotiable, so too are most of the dealbreakers. Be careful when you're actually putting your thoughts out there. A great person could be scared away because they think you'll never see past their 'dealbreaker' quality.

"Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling," warns Beatriz Avila Mileham, the online infidelity expert we consulted in the precursor to this article, "How To Avoid Married Matches Online." Sites like DiscreetAdventures.com and the infamous AshleyMadison.com have made extramarital affairs mainstream, but what do you do when a married man or woman is seeking out illicit extracurricular activity on a site that doesn't cater to it?

Here are a few more questions to ask yourself to determine if your potential sweetie is a keeper or a cheater:

• Do you know his or her last name? Protecting your privacy on the Internet is important, but if you've been chatting with someone for a while and have formed a bond that feels safe and genuine, exchanging full names is a logical step forward. If your match is unwilling to give you their name, particularly if you're already communicating via the phone and especially if you're considering meeting up in person, it might be a sign that they're hiding a second life and don't want you looking them up in the phonebook, finding them on Facebook, or searching their name on Google. Also be wary if you discover that someone has given you an alias online.

• Are you allowed to call him or her? Does your partner have a strict "Don't call me, I'll call you" policy? If so, your match might be married. A married person must schedule phone conversations around their married life, and cannot risk you calling at an inconvenient moment. Also consider where your date is calling you from (Is it ever a home number?), when your date calls (Is it always on their lunch break?), and whether their communication is consistent or unreliable.

• If you are allowed to call your date, does he or she ever pick up the phone? If you are constantly sent to voicemail, proceed with caution. Again, a married person can only conduct phone calls at specific convenient times, meaning that you will have to leave a message if you do not call during one of those ideal moments. Other signs that your match is being unfaithful to a spouse are: A) You frequently have to wait a long time before he or she is able to return your calls, and B) He or she is constantly full of excuses about being busy, forgetting to bring his or her mobile phone, or being in areas with poor reception.

• Is he or she extremely secretive even after going on multiple offline dates? In the early stages of a relationship, particularly one that begins online, it is expected that the parties involved will be hesitant to reveal certain important personal details about themselves. But if the relationship has lasted for a while and the connection is strong, and particularly if you have already shared a lot about yourself, it is reasonable to expect your partner to open up to you in return. Watch for warning signs like: your date is unwilling to discuss their past, avoids talking about their family and friends (or refuses to let you meet them), does not share information about where they live or work, and never invites you to their home.

Ultimately, the best way to avoid being the target of married affair-seekers is simple: use your intuition, and extricate yourself from any situation that makes you uncomfortable or suspicious.

Online dating, practical and effective though it is, can be a mixed bag at times. On most occasions, it's a great way for singles who are tired of, or unable to participate in, the traditional dating scene to meet, but in some instances, it can also be a convenient tool for dishonest married individuals to find additional partners. In fact, some research has shown that a third of people using online dating sites are married!

Beatriz Avila Mileham, a researcher who studied online infidelity at the University of Florida, offers the following reason for the troubling trend: "With cybersex, there is no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An online dating liaison may even take place in the same room with one's spouse." To put it simply: men and women cheat online because it's easy.

So how do you avoid matches who are looking for extramarital flings when you're looking for a stable, long term relationship? Here are a few questions to ask that will help you identify cheating con men and women online:

• What do his or her pictures look like? If their pictures are so grainy or blurry that it's nearly impossible to make out any features of the subject, or if there aren't any pictures at all, consider moving on to greener, and more well photographed, pastures. Married people are frequently reluctant to post their photos online, for the obvious reason that they might be recognized by someone who knows them or their spouse.

• How consistently is he or she in contact with you? Married people have to devote time to their jobs, spouses, and potentially their children, which doesn't leave them a lot of free time to spend on online dating sites. If responses to your messages come on an extremely irregular basis, there's a chance that your match is leading a double life and must communicate with you in an erratic fashion in order to maintain secrecy.

• When you're ready to take things to the next level, will he or she exchange phone numbers with you? And what number is it? Married people will typically take your phone number, but are unwilling to share their phone number with you in return. If they do offer a number at which you can reach them, it is most likely a mobile phone number, as calling a workplace or their place of residence would be extremely risky. In most cases, you can rest assured that your match isn't married if A) They give you their contact info without any hesitation, and B) They give you their home phone number.

Most online dating users are likely to run into a philandering affair-seeker at some point during their online dating careers, so continue on to "How To Avoid Married Matches Online: Part II" for more tips on how to steer clear of these trouble-causing tricksters.