Relationships

We all know it can be difficult to write an online dating profile. How to come off as a great human being, without sounding like... well, like you think you're a great human being? How to be confident, yet humble? Many people think they've found the trick to it all, the perfect balance. They think that by saying “My friends say I'm” (hot, loyal, terrific, the bee's knees) they can sneak in all the bragging they want. They'd be wrong.

There are many problems with describing yourself through your supposed friends' opinions. First and foremost, it tends to come off as a little insecure and dim. You don't know if you're a nice person or not, so you have to listen to what others tell you? You don't think anyone will believe you, so you've got to give references? It's the absolute opposite of confidence.

On the other hand, sometimes you can give an impression that's on the other end of the spectrum – that you're utilizing made-up friends to thinly veil the fact that you're boasting about yourself. It's another variation on the old “I have this friend – not me – and he has this problem...” routine. Instead, you're saying, “I'm completely fantastic! But don't take my word for it, take the word of my imaginary buds!”

A final reason not to use the old “friends” line is that it's just bad writing. There's an old saying in the world of writing – show, don't tell. By saying, “My friends say I'm loyal, kind, and funny” you're talking about yourself in the most boring way possible. Why not allow the reader to decide that you're loyal, kind and funny by talking about your volunteer work or your latest faceplant into a river? Telling stories and giving examples will make your profile stand out; giving a laundry list of opinions from someone who may or may not exist is the quickest way to make yourself forgettable.

As you construct your profile, remember that people want to know who you really are, not the face you show to the world. By relying on your friends' opinions, you're only telling the reader what others see – it makes you appear closed-off and distant. It can be hard to walk the fine line between confidence and arrogance, but the skill will come in time; plunge in. Do you want to start a relationship exposed and honest, or hiding behind your friends?

• Are daters working harder than ever before at love?

• What emotional investment are they prepared to make into their love lives?

• What impact does a happy relationship have on careers and working life?

• And what impact has the recession had on all of this?

LoveGeist 2010 researchers sought the answers to these questions and others, in their quest to determine the relationship between love and work for modern daters in the UK.

Love, they found, is a priority for many. 46% stated that they believe that having a successful relationship is more important than their career, a figure that showed an interesting split between men and women. 52% of men reported prioritizing their love life over their career, compared to only 42% of women. Perhaps, the Report theorizes, this is an indication that the recession has taken a greater toll on men than on women, causing them to seek the comfort of a loving and stable relationship to relieve the pressures of the difficult financial situation.

The majority of UK singles (59%) also appear to understand the importance of striking a balance between work and personal life, though women (63%) seem to be more likely to attempt to do so than men (55%). More than half of the sample, however, felt that they are unable to dedicate enough time to finding and maintaining a relationship, a problem that plagued men in their 40s more than any other age group. These findings reflect a wider social trend studied by the Future Foundation known as Work Life Tension. Though we have more free time these days, "consumers across all ages and social groups still say they feel the pressure of finding time for their personal lives," a predicament that's caused by the "high levels of time pressure," "long hours working culture," and "increased stress."

How might this be affecting you?

Experts have found that personal happiness and professional productivity are directly correlated. In simple terms: when you're happy and are able to find and nurture loving relationships, you will be happier and more successful in all areas of your life. LoveGeist data supports this theory: 61% of respondents said that they perform better at work when they are content with their love lives, a number that jumped to 71% for the 18-24 age group.

This produces a positive circle of events: people who are happy with their jobs, and encouraged by their bosses to dedicate time to happiness in their personal lives, are likely to be happier overall. They are also therefore likely to be optimistic and enjoyable to be around, which will increase their success in their dating lives. If they are in happy relationships, they will be more effective and focused at work, which starts the cycle all over again.

Naturally, then, the opposite can also be true: those who are unhappy with their professional lives are less likely to be in happy relationships, a problem that is exacerbated by the current economic downturn. In the words of Chantal Gautier, a psychologist focusing on workplace psychology: "A job loss could lead to feelings of low self worth, low self esteem, loss.... And...if they are in a relationship, such feelings could be projected in their outlook towards their relationship, in some instances in a negative way."

Moral of the story: it's vital to develop an understanding of how to maintain a healthy balance between your personal and professional lives. As work continues to become more and more important to 21st century life, do not be afraid to prioritize the search for love.

For more information on this online dating site you can read our Match.com UK review.

Recently I sat down to help a friend, Leigh, with her profile. She's an avid cycler; it's definitely something she's passionate about. However, she was hesitant about including it in her profile. “Some people find it weird that I might want to spend so much time on a bike,” she said. “Maybe I should leave it out.”

Apparently, this idea came from a family member, who found Leigh's hobby “strange.” Thus, rather than write about something she loves, Leigh was prepared to delete something that is essentially a part of her, so that she could blend in more, become more ordinary – simply because she was afraid her hobby would set her apart too much.

Now, it's true that when we're writing online dating profiles that we sometimes try to market ourselves to as broad a demographic as possible – after all, you never know where a good match might be hiding. However, there's a difference between attempting to have broad appeal, and diluting yourself so much that you don't stand out at all. There's a difference between appearing too obsessive, and outright eliminating part of your personality.

First of all, it's futile. So maybe leaving out the biking might help Leigh get a date with someone who might otherwise find serious biking strange. Well, it might get her in the door, but can Leigh really be happy with someone who doesn't understand her passion to the point that they might not have dated her if she'd been honest about it? Absolutely not.

Conversely, by leaving out Leigh's favorite hobby – even a brief mention of it – she misses out on the opportunity to meet that man who might love biking as well, and have even more in common with her. After all, if you're similar enough to have one major thing in common, chances are there's more waiting to be discovered. Because Leigh thinks she needs to have a broader appeal, she might well get more dates – but miss out on dates with guys who might actually be perfect for her.

It's natural to want to appear well-balanced in your profile, but make sure you're not masking the real you. After all, a true match loves you – not your profile. Why limit your chances at finding someone truly compatible?

It's one of the hottest dating trends of recent years - more and more older women are becoming self-confessed cougars, proactive and proud about dating younger men.

At the same time, many budding cougars are not sure how to go about it in practice; especially if they are newly back on the dating scene after the break up of a marriage or long term relationship. This is where online dating can provide a perfect solution.

If a woman has no experience of approaching or dating a younger man, she may be nervous of making and even responding to an initial approach - just in case she has read the signals wrong.

No woman likes a knock back in a dating scenario and if they feel they have been turned down due to the age gap, even more embarrassment could follow.

An older woman may be even more sensitive to rejection from a younger man so it is important that she goes about finding a perfect partner in a way that is easiest for her. Online dating can really help out as a fun and safe way for cougars to find a suitable 'cub'.

With more and more young men being crazy about cougars - it's a shame if shyness prevents something both sides of the relationship are really searching for and is beneficial for them both. On an online dating site the age difference will be something that is clearly outlined right from the beginning as a positive, so there should be no barrier. Women, can approach the men whose profile appeals to them the most, happy in the knowledge that these men are actively looking for a more mature partner.

For many women, it will be a great thrill to discover how many attractive, younger men are interested in them. It can provide quite an ego boost, which is something really useful in the early stages of cougar dating. Confidence is essential in dating a much younger man - and what could help more than finding a string of interested, much younger men in your message inbox?

Another, great benefit is that it is a great way to have an opportunity of finding someone without having to hang out in bars and clubs. Many women, with careers and families may have outgrown some of the more traditional meeting places and do not fancy the 'cattle market' approach to meeting someone. It can be so much nicer to filter out the possibilities from the comfort, safety and privacy of their own home. Then, when they have found just what they are looking for they can start really enjoying their relationship with their much younger man.

The other day I was checking out profiles with a friend, and I saw a profile name that almost caused my iced tea to spray across the screen. The name? Tool Bag (or something similar; slightly changed to protect identity). Now, maybe the guy was a master carpenter, but his name conjured up many more images, none of them good.

It got me thinking about profile names and how they really say a lot about our personalities – maybe even more than you intend. You might have chosen your profile name based on your favorite athletic team, but it says quite a bit more: that you're a sporty type, maybe what college you went to, possibly the sorts of activities you like.

Sometimes a profile name can reveal parts of your personality. Something with the name “Princess” in it might conjure up someone high-maintenance. Words like “drama” or “witch” or “wild” might get your bold personality across, but they might also bring up a host of negative connotations – best to leave those alone.

In men more than women, I tend to see self-deprecating profile names: ones that have words like “nerd” or “dork.” They're also more likely to be more straightforward and self-deprecating about their appearance, using words like “skinny” or “teddy bear.” These sorts of names are a bit of a gamble; depending on the rest of the profile, they either send a message that you're easy-going with a sense of humor, or that you simply have low self-esteem.

So, how to choose a good profile name? Well, instead of focusing on your appearance or your personality, try some simple hobby or fact that reflects you. If you love cooking, try using “chef.” If you like a particular book or TV show, try using a reference from those. In using an interest or hobby, your user name might actually make you stand out to someone with a common interest, “grabbing” them from the get-go. Don't worry about getting your personality across in your user name; that's what the rest of the profile is for.

If you decide your user name is completely inappropriate, most online dating sites have ways you can easily change it. If you think your name needs a change, don't waste time in doing so! Just as a user name can grab the reader, so too can it instantly turn them off. Is your user name sending the right message?

In winter it can be tempting to hibernate. To shut down life completely and come out in the spring, when the unforgiving iciness of the world is thawing, and everything looks more promising.

Pretty imagery aside, winter is a good four-plus months when life certainly does go on. People meet, dates are scheduled. Still, winter comes with its own set of unique challenges when it comes to finally meeting in person.

I'm talking about the flu and cold season.

That undoubtedly elicited a few scoffs from the audience. What am I, some kind of germaphobe? Far from it – but every winter I hear from friends about a first date that was either canceled outright due to illness, made miserable because someone was coming down with something, or tainted because an illness was transferred that night.

Just as we plan for inclement weather through the various seasons, so too should we accept that sometimes a “cold and flu season” is called that because the incidences of illness are far more common, and plan accordingly.

First and foremost, if you suspect you're coming down with something, don't risk it and go out anyway. Best case scenario, your body fights it off and you don't ultimately become sick, but you'll probably be distracted or weak that night anyway. Worst case scenario, you become ill during the date and pass on your illness for good measure. And let's not forget, going on a first date when you're potentially sick could actually provide extra stress, and tip you into chicken-soup territory.

If you have to cancel a date because of illness, don't feel guilty about it – it happens to everyone, and your date would much rather you both stay happy and healthy. However, if you're not too sick to do so, try shooting an extra email or a funny text message before your rescheduled date – keep that connection going so your date doesn't worry that it's just an excuse.

It's great when you find someone you can be vulnerable around – but preferably we're talking about your emotions, not your immune system. It's not killing romance to remember that going on a first date means meeting someone with a totally different system than you. Take precautions, wash your hands, and don't forget to enjoy yourself.