Relationships

So you think you've figured out every aspect of the online profile default picture. You've got one where you're smiling, you don't look like you're about to rob a bank, and you're not holding a giant drink from Ladies' Night. The picture does not look like it was taken on a web cam from 1998, or a phone from 2002. In short, you're set... or so you think.

Chances are, if you have a picture that meets all that criteria, it's a perfectly fine default picture. But occasionally you'll run across a picture that seems... off, somehow, and you can't put your finger on why. What could be the missing element?

Ladies and gentlemen who like to over-obsess on every bit of minutiae available, I present to you: body language.

But first, a warning: I think it's fine to make sure you aren't sending out any unintended messages through your own body language in pictures, just to be on the safe side. However, I wouldn't then go extrapolating meaning from the body language of others. It's all in perspective, after all; pictures can be taken at funny angles, by a third-party observer, and probably have nothing to do with how someone treats another in conversation.

Now, to get back to the fun of analyzing your own photos: the most common misfiring signal I see out there is what I like to call the “show and tell” picture. Imagine a child at Christmas that's gotten a new toy, and is holding it up for the cameras. Often, people will hold a funny prop or something cute in their picture with them: a squirt gun, their cat. And occasionally – maybe it's just the angle of the photographer – it can appear that the person is hiding behind their prop, that they're constructing a barrier between themselves and the viewer. So look at your own pictures; are you hiding behind something in most of them? Do you look friendly and welcoming, or are you literally hiding behind a wall of cat?

Unfortunately, sometimes people go to the other extreme, and every picture is reminiscent of a mug shot. By that, I don't just mean with shoulders squared to the camera; I mean eyes leveled directly at the viewer, challenging, not welcoming. It can provoke a range of emotions in the viewer, from being creeped out to just plain intimidated. Like the “show and tell” pictures, these are often only a problem when they occur in sheer numbers, so check your picture gallery: does it look like a lineup?

As with most things, it's all about the context. A picture where you're “hiding” behind something can be adorable and engaging, and a “mug shot” can be welcoming. Typically, pictures that are candidly shot can be better even if they don't meet the “rules,” simply because they're more likely to capture genuine emotion.

If you're unsure, try having a third party look through your pictures and give you an honest opinion. They're more likely than you are to match the first impressions of a viewer. Again, if you put any thought at all into your picture selection, you're already way ahead of the game; still, could you be saying more than you mean to?

Occasionally I meet people for whom the most challenging part of online dating is finding someone they're interested in emailing or contacting in the first place. It's not that they don't want to find love; they do. It's that they want to find love right away – on the online dating site. One person told me he was looking for that “spark” to be there from the moment he reads a prospective profile. Another told me she had to “feel something,” some physical attraction, just for the default pic. Now, there are undoubtedly some couples who might have experienced just that, and we hear their fairytale stories from time to time, but realistically, how much chemistry should we expect to get from an online profile?

In my opinion, one of the most common misconceptions about online dating sites is that it's a full replacement for dating altogether. After all, so much of what we hear about “dating on the internet” gets lumped together, from the people who met on an early board in 1992 and moved across continents to be together, to the couple who lived on the same street but hadn't met until they found each other on an online dating site. Because the first stories about internet-related love that got any attention involved people who supposedly fell in love entirely online, many people expect that the same thing should happen to them if they join an online dating site.

The truth, however, is that while there have always been a small handful of people who have found love at a distance – those who wrote letters to soldiers at war, for instance – the truth is that most people don't actually operate that way. A far greater majority find love gradually in someone they see every day, be it a co-worker, classmate or the mail carrier. Many have to be friends before they find that “spark,” that attraction.

For those people, what is the point of online dating sites? Simply put, they allow the user to find someone who might be compatible that they might not otherwise see every day. The only two single people in town who are under age thirty might not know the other exists; same for the only two competitive basket weavers. The theory is that if you've got one thing in common, you might have more – and thus, it might be worth meeting up to see if there's a potential friendship.

And thus, we arrive at what online dating sites really are, in their simplest form: a tool to meet people. Once you've met a person, the “spark” may or may not be there after an unspecified amount of time unique to each person. So how much chemistry should one expect to get when they read an online profile? It depends on you, how you fall in love. It's using the most modern technology available in one of the oldest pursuits of civilization – social interaction. It's as simple, and as great, as that.

Here's a finding from the 2010 LoveGeist Report that's bound to surprise no one: the battle of the sexes is far from over.

It has, however, evolved a great deal over time, as a result of the changing economic climate, the rise of female empowerment, and shifting social values.

Modern men and women agree on some things. Security, for instance, is extremely important to both sexes in light of the recession. 93% of male survey respondents and 97% of female survey respondents reported that they are looking for a partner with whom they feel secure. The concept of security, it appears, has taken on a new meaning in the 21st century. Gone are the visions of knights in shining armor who protect damsels in distress - security now means a man or a woman looking for a partner who "loves, respects and looks out for them."

Women and men are certainly not in agreement about everything, however. Data shows that women are more emotionally connected than their male counterparts. "When asked about the most important factors in a successful relationship," says the LoveGeist report, "all the emotional responses - from shared values, to feeling comfortable together, to being able to communicate properly - are more likely to be important to women than men."

It appears, though, that men are becoming more emotionally intelligent. 35% say that they find it easy to say "I love you" for the first time, compared to only 23% of women. Men are also more flexible when it comes to making changes to nurture their love lives:

• Half are prepared to change where they live in order to pursue a good relationship (compared to 43% of women).
• 47% would compromise their independence (compared to 39% of women).
• 34% would reprioritize their career (compared to 27% of women).
• 30% would change who they socialize with (almost double the 16% of women who would do the same).

The LoveGeist Report also found that:

• Single men are more interested in marriage than women (51% of men say they would like to get married, compared to 48% of women).
• The modern man still believes in chivalry. Nearly 2/3 of male respondents said that it is important for men to be chivalrous to their dates.
• Single men rank their love lives higher in a list of life priorities than single women. 29% of men listed love as their first priority, while only 12% of women did.

So, bearing all these differences in mind, what is the key to a successful relationship between a man and a woman?

Love is all about building a foundation of comfort, shared values, and familiarity; it's not about "perfection or the ideal income or any other unrealistic expectations." It means making your relationship priority, and not expecting love to simply fall into your lap. Long-term partners must have compatible goals and an ability to laugh together. There must be "honesty, trust, communication and compromise." A successful relationship is a living thing in a constant state of growth and change, a "lifelong developmental process" that evolves along with you and your partner.

For more information on this popular UK dating site, please check out our Match.com UK review.

When we're not dating someone, we have extra time to sit and figure out what it is we do want in a person. Sometimes I think too much time is actually spent thinking about that dream person; suddenly a specific height or profession or interest gets more weight than it deserves, and really becomes a prerequisite. Many points have been made about how we shouldn't have such rigid requirements for a date, but hardly anyone addresses the opposite end of the spectrum: what do you do when you actually find someone who meets all your requirements – and you're not sure it's what you really wanted, after all?

It can be an uncomfortable situation, because it means that somehow, you are wrong, and no one likes to admit that. If you really feel you're not compatible with your magic unicorn, then you were wrong when you decided this was the sort of person you wanted (nay, needed). If you were right in your initial assessment of your needs, then you might be wrong in thinking that maybe your unicorn is not a good match after all; you could be throwing away your perfect match.

Note, of course, that this decision would not be nearly as problematic if you hadn't built up the idea of a “perfect match” in the first place; many people decide, with ease, whether they had chemistry with a date or not. It's when the person seems so perfect, and we have a very specific idea of what perfection is, that we have such difficulty. But we're human beings, and we've all built up something in our minds before, so once you're in this situation, what do you do?

Well, before you decide that all your time spent thinking about your needs was for naught, consider the here and now. Are you just having commitment issues? Are you intimidated by the idea that you might have actually found a person worth pursuing? Are you simply afraid of rejection?

If you honestly feel that it's not a personal issue, feel free to move on – and don't guilt yourself about it. Remember, a person is not just a list of their likes and dislikes; there's such a thing as chemistry. Just because this one person fit your requirements does not mean that they're the only one who ever will, or that you won't find love with someone a little outside your box. Knowing what you want is a good basic place to start, but it's always best to allow yourself a little wiggle room.

It can be hard to let go of something we think we need, but consider: would you rather spend time trying to make something work because you think you should, or find the person with whom it's not work at all?

Has your list of matches dwindled down to only a few new candidates? Have you found that online communication leads nowhere? If you are looking to ramp up your dating life and improve your match results, it's time to be proactive. There are many things you can do to increase your dating choices.

• Spice up your profile. Have a friend take a look at what you've posted (even better if it's someone of the opposite sex). Are you too generic in your description of yourself or your interests? Or perhaps you've written something so long that nobody wants to read it? Asking a friend to assist you is efficient and gives you another perspective.

• Change the pictures. Maybe you love that picture from your rock climbing trip three years ago, but it's time to update and replace it. Changing your profile and pictures helps you attract new candidates as they search. Also, you won't be accused of posting a picture that looks 10 years old!

• Recognize that misunderstandings happen. If you decide to ignore a match because of something he/she said in an email, you could be closing yourself off to a great new relationship. Instead of making assumptions about someone's intentions, ask him what he meant by his remark and explain how you interpreted it. It could be a simple misunderstanding rather than a personality trait you don't like.

• Loosen your parameters. Do you narrow your search according to factors like age, location, or career? Let's say you won't date anyone over 35...this may prevent you from meeting a fantastic 37-year old with the same goals and interests. Or what if you will not date anyone who lives more than 20 miles away? You could be missing the love of your life who lives 30 miles away. Every so often, it's good to adjust parameters to have more choice.

• Realize that dating has ups and downs. Sometimes you'll get more emails from matches than others. Some dates will be better than others. If you feel like online dating isn't working because you haven't yet met the love of your life, relax. Prepare yourself for meeting the right person by opening yourself up to opportunities in front of you now. You never know how you could meet; usually when you least expect it.

As Christmas approaches, many singles have reservations about…well, being single. Family members and friends mean well, but many times their suggestions, advice and questions about your love life seem hurtful or intrusive.

It’s important to remember that your relationship status does not define who you are. Many people in relationships aren’t more satisfied with their lives than singles…it’s all about perspective and making choices that resonate with you. Your happiness isn’t dependent on having a significant other in your life, despite the romantic comedies that make us believe this is what's missing. Happiness is about knowing what fulfills you. Only you can decide this for yourself and make it happen.

In the spirit of Christmas and giving to others, remember to include yourself on your list. That’s right: this is the time of year to remember everything you’ve accomplished so far, and what you want to accomplish in the future. It’s time to celebrate who you are, regardless of your relationship status. It’s also time to be thankful for all of the people in your life, including those bad dates or nosy Aunt Patty, who are teaching you all the time about what you do and don’t want in your life.

The holidays are about celebrating the people who are in our lives, not the people who we hope to meet in the future. They are about celebrating the end of 2010 and all that we’ve accomplished, and looking forward to new experiences 2011 will bring. They are about celebrating who we really are: people who are making choices every day to live happier, more fulfilling lives. And that’s worth celebrating.

Happy holidays!