Relationships

You know your date is attractive, well-educated, and into electronic music. But do you know if your date has a criminal record?

For a small fee, a group of companies like the ones we discussed in this article will run a background check on all potential partners found on dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony. As the online dating industry explodes, it becomes increasingly important to protect yourself from the sexual predators and convicted felons that find their victims online. Now that 20 million Americans are registered on dating sites, more than double the number of dating site members 5 years ago, two states, New York and New Jersey, have started regulating online dating sites, and "legal experts say they believe changes to the liability laws that protect such sites are on the horizon."

"No one [like the Department of Justice's Bureau of Justice Statistics or the National Center for Victims of Crime] has put a number on how much violence stems from dating sites," reports New York Times writer Stephanie Rosenbloom in a recent article called "New Online-Date Detectives Can Unmask Mr. or Ms. Wrong," but it seems many modern tragic stories, like the case of serial rapist Jeffrey Marsalis, begin with the perpetrator searching for victims on online dating sites. State officials, public safety advocates, and entrepreneurs are leading the charge for further safeguards, but in an environment in which it's common to lie about simple things like age and weight, will it be possible to effectively screen out criminals?

Robert Buchholz and Andrew J. Scott, a retired New York State Police captain and former police chief in Boca Raton, Fl., respectively, believe there's hope. Together, Buchholz and Scott founded a site called MyMatchChecker.com, which will perform a basic background check on potential mates for $9.95. Mobile phone apps that allow dating site users to research potential mates before meeting up, like "Date Check" from Intelius and the "Instant National Criminal Search" app created by ValiMate, are becoming popular as well.

Some state officials also believe that it's possible to make online dating safer. A law recently passed in New York, the Internet Dating Safety Act, requires dating sites to post common-sense safety tips, like "always meet in a public setting," for their members to read. A similar law passed in New Jersey in 2008, requiring "dating sites with a membership fee to inform users whether they do criminal background checks (most do not)," while other states have rejected comparable legislation.

Mandy Ginsberg, general manager and executive vice president of Match.com, remains skeptical: "If I really knew that there was a great ability for us to not let anyone on the site that shouldn't be on the site, I would do it," she says, but she fears that background checks will lead online daters to assume that everyone they encounter on a dating site is safe, when in reality it's impossible to guarantee. Other critics point out that most background checks could easily be thwarted, some have mishandled information, and others could put personal information in the hands of people who will abuse it.

But all hope is not lost. Braden Cox, a policy counsel for a group called NetChoice that advocates for Internet companies, firmly believes that "Most people, thankfully, are good people on these Web sites," and Parry Aftab, a lawyer and safety expert, offers the most useful advice of all: "Don't give up your heart so fast."

We're a few weeks in to 2011, and if you're like most people, that means you've already started forgetting about the resolutions you made at the beginning of the year. I can't help you with your resolution to lose weight, or your resolution to spend less time at work and more time doing things you love, but I can help you keep your resolution to find love in the new year.

If you want to find your match, dating has to become a priority. Good intentions are useless unless you make an effort to realize them. Success - in dating and all other aspects of your life - only comes to those who are willing to work for it. With that in mind, I want you to make a list of 2011 Dating Resolutions (feel free to share yours in the comments!), and I want you to keep them.

Here are a few of my suggestions:

In 2011, I resolve to...

• Change up my routine. If you're always looking for love in the same places...your local bar, the bookstore up the street, your weekly dance class...it's time to switch things up. Check out a new venue or two where you haven't already exhausted the supply of desirable dates.

• Be more open-minded. If you're the kind of person who has a laundry list of traits that a partner must have (non-smoker, loves country music, travels frequently, plays sports), consider expanding your horizons. Love can come from unexpected places, if you're open to finding it, so don't automatically reject someone who doesn't immediately appear to be your "type" on the surface.

• Revisit lost opportunities. Somewhere down the line, your busy schedule might have gotten in the way of your love life. If you lost contact with someone you were exchanging messages with on a dating site, or forgot to return the call of a suitor you met once for a coffee date, try reaching out to them again. Perhaps their 2011 resolution is to find love, too.

• Refresh my online dating profile. Maybe your picture is out of date. Maybe you developed a few new interests and hobbies over the last year. Or maybe you took an amazing vacation in 2010 that you're dying to talk about. Updating your profile will give you a fresh start in the new year, and could make your profile show up higher in a search.

• Stop making excuses. If someone piques your interest, go after them. Don't waste time waiting for them to initiate contact with you, and don't psych yourself out by inventing reasons to justify your inaction.

Making New Year's resolutions - and sticking to them! - about your approach to love and dating is key to finding the relationship you want. What are your resolutions for 2011?

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. Since it’s often recommended that we update our online dating profiles seasonally, how should we approach the “holiday of romance”? A witty quip about Cupid? Some reference to wearing red? An excerpt of poetry, perhaps? Or maybe an anti-Valentine’s statement - a dark joke or a reference to the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?

How about this approach? Stay away altogether. As far away as you can get.

You always run the risk of bringing up negative emotions in someone, somewhere, with anything you bring up in your profile. Even supposedly “safe” areas like national holidays can be tricky - you never know whose dog died on Superbowl Sunday. Typically, you just accept the risk and run with whatever you want anyway. However, when you’re dealing with a holiday celebrating love and romance, on a site full of currently-single people... well, the potential for a miscommunication is substantially higher.

Let’s say you’re a holiday buff and you just can’t ignore a holiday that the grocery stores have been celebrating since Christmas. Let’s consider some of the potential landmines inherent in the typical approaches.

First, the traditional approach: quoting a line from Shakespeare about love, for example. Unless this is entirely within your character - unless you are a highly romantic, over-the-top person every day of the year - it has the potential to come off as cheesy at best, and desperate at worst. It’s even possible your profile won’t be taken seriously because the reader might assume you’re simply trolling for a Valentine’s Day date.

Then there’s the dark approach: the sardonic comment, the anti-romantic joke, maybe something involving Cupid and death. It’s the holiday version of the classic Internet problem: sarcasm. Simply put, what might be hysterical with the right delivery - with your “voice” - is left open to interpretation when this is the reader’s first impression of you. What might have genuinely been meant in good taste and humor suddenly seems angry and bitter. Since there are lots of angry and bitter people around this holiday, it’s not even that much of a stretch.

So, perhaps for just one holiday, it’s best to cast a blind eye. Wax romantic about the coming of spring instead, or a Superbowl Sunday victory (take your chances on the possibility of a dead dog reminder). The reader won’t bring their own Valentine’s prejudices with them as they read your profile. Who knows? By avoiding an opinion about Cupid, you might be giving yourself a shot at love.

In the world of online dating, we form our first impressions based on a profile, a block of text, a three-inch photo. Sometimes, when we subsequently meet someone in person after having read their profile, or blog, we feel as though we know them already - their written words match up perfectly with the person in front of us. And other times... we still respect and enjoy their writing, but in person, the chemistry just isn’t there.

It happens. Occasionally you’ll find someone who looks like the ideal match on paper - similar interests, attractive, funny - and in person there’s just “something” about them that not only isn’t attractive, it might even grate on you! And that’s okay. After all, if all it took was common interests to forge a connection, then every garage band, PTA or sports team would be one big happy family - and we know that’s not often the case.

No one knows exactly what makes a good romantic match, or even a good friendship. And that’s not for lack of trying - scientists theorize constantly about pheromones, even genes. Others tell us that attractiveness is more a state of mind, based on our society or our friends’ opinions, than anything physical. And maybe it’s all of those theories combined, or none of them. The fact is, chemistry is still something nebulous that can’t be predicted or assumed.

So what does this tell us about our dating habits? Well, try not to box yourself in with your expectations. Just as the person who looks perfect on paper can be not-so-perfect in person, so too can someone with differing interests who’s not your “type” actually set off a spark when you meet.

Profiles can be useful in several ways - early identification of red flags, finding the only other Bingo fan in your age bracket, getting that first conversation going - but ultimately, only meeting in person can tell you if you have chemistry together. Why limit the possibilities of finding a great match?

As we all know, many people are having a rough time financially these days. Homes are in foreclosure and the unemployment rate is hovering above 10%. These aren't exactly rich times, so what do you do if you don't have much money and you're dating?

This may go without saying, but you don't have to impress dates with where you take them or how much money you spend. Most are looking for creativity and thoughtfulness, which means you don't have to go into debt just to take a few dates out to dinner. That said, you shouldn't look like you're pinching pennies either.

Following are a few guidelines to spice up your dating life without spending a lot of money or looking too cheap:

Do something besides dinner. Instead of another dinner at a pricey restaurant, try grabbing a bottle of wine and some cheese and taking your date to a local park or beach for a romantic rendezvous. If it's too cold, take her to a wine tasting.

Explore the city. Walk around downtown or through a new area you haven't seen before (Chinatown anyone?). Stop by galleries, museums, or a local coffee shop. There are plenty of less expensive options and you get a chance to explore new neighborhoods.

Do it yourself! Instead of going out, invite her over to your place for a homemade meal. Try an interesting recipe and create a romantic atmosphere with candles and dim lighting.

Don't itemize the bill. Even if she ordered steak and dessert and you ordered a bowl of soup, don't itemize the bill down to the penny. If she offers to split, just cut the check down the middle. You make a better impression and besides, you aren't paying for the whole thing.

Don't use coupons. Sure, you got a coupon in the mail for a trendy upscale restaurant and would like to try it out on a date. Don't. You're much better off going to a less expensive place and paying the bill. Your date doesn't want to feel you're taking her somewhere because you got a discount.

Let me tell you about a guy I know, “Rob.” Rob recently decided to jump into the world of online dating. I helped him edit his profile, and it was pretty good, if I do say so myself. To the best of my knowledge, he seemed to be doing everything “right.” I was confident he’d have no trouble getting responses on the site he chose.

I ran into him a few weeks later, and asked him how it was going. To my surprise, it wasn’t going well at all. He apparently hadn’t received even one response.

“Wow, Rob, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Would you like me to take a look at your first-contact emails, see if anything jumps out at me?”

He wrinkled his brow. “What do you mean? I haven’t even gotten that far,” he said. “No one’s responded to me when I wink at them.”

And there was the problem. Whether it’s a wink, a poke, or whatever your online dating site chooses to call it, the “nudge” is probably the most useless function in online dating. Simply put, to be successful in dating, you have to be assertive at some point - no one else can make you create a profile, or send an email, or arrange a date.

The wink, however, encourages a passive level of behavior. You’re essentially leaving everything up to your potential match. More to the point, while your nudge may lead them to your profile, it doesn’t add anything to the picture of your personality. In contrast, an email might allow for an extra joke, another question to jump start a conversation, and most importantly, additional insight into your personality.

You simply can’t be passive in dating - in order to maximize your chances for success, you need to really jump in with both feet. Thus, when you’re interested in someone, don’t let a wimpy nudge cause you to miss out on something great. The effort will eventually pay off.