Relationships

Some people think that the world of online dating can be conquered by having a good profile. Once they polish up that profile and send it out into the ether, they think, the prospective dates will be lining up! Well, it might work that way in a perfect world; it might even work that way for a very few, very lucky people. However, for the rest of us, there’s still work to be done when the profile is complete.

Imagine you’ve written the next great novel. It really is fantastic; you’re not biased. And when you’ve edited the last word, you print the whole thing out carefully and store it on your bookshelf. Patiently, you wait for fans and media and critics to beat down your door with acclaim. Obviously, that would be a silly expectation; your novel is not published, and you haven’t tried to bring it to the attention of publishers or readers in any way. Just having it completed, out in the world, is not enough.

In online dating, your profile might be available to be read, but only if someone happens to stumble across it with the right search combination. How can you make it available to a wider audience?

Mostly, it means you have to take the first step. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the advice applies equally: if you want your profile read, particularly by people you’re interested in, you’re just going to have to make the first move. A first-contact email is short and sweet; it asks a simple question or two and is basically a glorified “hi.” But the first thing the recipient will do is go back and read the profile. Suddenly, all the work is worth it; you’re making your intended first impression.

Why not just send a nudge or a nod? you wonder. Well, while it’s true that it’s probably better than nothing, the fact is that little pokes and winks are over-used and sometimes even cleared out without checking who sent them. Besides, it’s the equivalent of a half-smile in person. If you’re interested enough to think about elbowing them, why not take the five minutes and send an email that shows you’ve actually read their profile, and are a real, breathing, non-scamming person?

Some dating sites like to combine social networking. If that’s the case, take full advantage of that too, commenting and participating. The best way to maximize your chances of success in online dating is to fully embrace it. If you’ve gone to the trouble to make a fantastic profile, why not jump in with both feet and make sure it’s seen?

Do all races prefer to date within their own ethnic group? And what does that mean for the dating world?

OkCupid's research into the racial bias and racial composition of its members found that white members of the online dating site prefer to message other white users. This preference might be intentional, or it might not. It might be caused by a racial bias - conscious or unconscious - or be a result of the fact that white members outnumber users of other ethnic backgrounds on the site. One thing, however, is clear from OkCupid's research: "Given equal choice, every race strongly prefers itself." The data looks like this:

Preference For Own Race vs. Random Individual Of Another Race

• Whites: 2.9x
• Blacks: 4.3x
• Latinos: 4.2x
• Asians: 11.5x

White members actually prefer themselves the least, in comparison to other ethnic groups, but they represent such a large percentage of the online dating population that it's impossible for white users to avoid connecting with other white users unless they are content with dating pools that are much, much smaller.

To see what would happen if circumstances were different, if another race outnumbered whites 19:1, the OkCupid team ran a simulation in which Asians were the dominant group, and all other users were in the minority. Under those circumstances, Asian users would send messages to other Asian users 98% percent of the time, and would also be the most popular message recipients for users of all other ethnic backgrounds (White senders: 74%, Latino senders: 71%, Black senders: 66%). Insularity, according to OkCupid's findings, is common across all cultures.

This insularity, Christian Rudder notes, becomes especially clear when you take a look at cities with larger non-white user bases. As their numbers increase, members of minority populations tend to become increasingly inward-looking. In the 150 cities with the most black users, black members send 2.5% more messages to each other for every 1% increase in the black population. In Baltimore, for instance, 1 out of every 5 users is black, but half of the messages from black users are sent to other black users - a rate that is more than twice what would be expected.

The hypothetical scenarios Rudder and OkCupid created for this experiment will not be hypothetical for much longer, and soon much of this data is likely to become reality. According to the Census Bureau, white people will no longer be the majority in the United States by approximately the year 2050, although that projection doesn't necessarily mean we have a post-racial future to look forward to. Even with increased equality amongst races, OkCupid's research indicates that "people still like to date someone who looks like they do," so that "even when white people aren't the majority, society will be as divided as ever."

Chances are, when you’re choosing a user name for an online dating site, you keep a few factors in mind. You might try to think of something catchy, something that won’t be forgotten easily. You probably want to select a name that reflects you in some way, such as your interests or personality. And you want to make sure the message you send is positive - that your name doesn’t imply, say, an obnoxious personality.

These are all good and valid points to keep in mind. Once you begin to think about it, finding just the right user name can be difficult - almost like choosing a new identity. Thus, when some people land on just the right user name, they keep it - and use it everywhere. And that’s one point that many people don’t consider when they’re constructing their online dating profile: that they might want to keep the name original.

Let’s say you have a user name you love and use everywhere. You’ve been emailing a potential match, but you haven’t told them about your blog, your Facebook, or your Twitter. No problem - all they have to do is a simple key word search of your user name, and they can find everything themselves. Without your knowledge, your potential match could be reading about your opinions on your first date - or maybe your opinions on a date with someone else.

Granted, it’s probably not a good idea to go blabbing the details of a date, particularly if you feel you have a shot with this potential match. And there’s always a chance you’ll somehow be found out regardless - the Internet can be a small world. However, if you absolutely can’t resist sharing all the details, you’re far better off if your social media name does not match your online dating user name.

As you create an online dating profile, think about your user name. It should reflect you and your personality; can it be used to identify you and locate your social media? After all, it would be a shame if a potential relationship were thwarted by over-sharing.

When I was a child in school, I don’t recall having very many people I’d call “acquaintances.” There were friends, people I liked. There were people I didn’t like. And there were people I didn’t know. The kids in class who didn’t fall into the friend or enemy category were people I didn’t know well - and for all intents and purposes, that was pretty much the same as not knowing them at all. We wouldn’t stop in the hall and exchange pleasantries if we saw each other. And, perhaps more interestingly, what little they did know of me, observed from class, was genuine.

Now, as an adult, I have many acquaintances. These are people I would stop and speak to in the grocery store, and I would probably vaguely ask how they are doing - because I know very few specifics about their lives. We might chat about whatever season it is, or maybe something related to whatever organization we know each other through. I don’t actually feel like they know the “real me,” however, and I don’t know the “real them,” and that’s why I don’t consider them friends.

It seems the older we become, the easier it is to slip into surface relationships and small talk. When you train yourself to use the same light conversation, day after day, regardless of who you meet, revealing the authentic side of yourself to a new person can be difficult. How can you break free of the confines of small talk, and really get to know a potential match?

Well, first it’s important to remember to start small. A first-contact email is not the place to pour out your heart and soul. If, however, your potential match responds and seems interested, you might want to consider leaving talk of the weather behind.

So what do you do? The best way way to really open up, be yourself and forge a friendship is to take an interest in the person you’re talking to. When you’re worrying about how people see you, you’re self-conscious and self-focused. Instead, remember that conversations happen between two equally interesting and important people. Ask questions, and listen to the answers. Chances are, the conversation will progress naturally, and you’ll answer a few questions of your own - honestly.

It’s strange - children in grade school don’t need to be “taught” these tips about making friends. They form fast friendships, seemingly instinctively. Brushing up on schoolyard rules can remind us what friendship is really about - and most enduring romantic relationships contain a strong friendship as well. So when you next meet a potential match for the first time, think about the other person - and wind up presenting a self free of surface talk.

First dates are nerve-wracking. They require putting your best foot forward mentally, physically and emotionally. But sometimes they can make us feel inhibited and shy. We wonder what's appropriate to talk about, considering there is so much advice floating around about how to act and what to say. This can make conversation stilted and uncomfortable.

So what can you do to break out of the cycle of silence on a first date?

First, it's important not to take it so seriously. You are just two people meeting and seeing if there is a connection between you. Also, remember to keep an open mind. Perhaps I sound like a broken record on this particular point, but I think it's one of the first things we overlook when dating. We all have our lists, and we tend to discount people if we feel they don't meet all of our criteria. Instead, make a real effort to get to know the person sitting across from you.

Following are some questions to help break the ice if you find yourself searching for conversation starters on a first date:

What is the funniest movie you've ever seen?

What kinds of things make you really laugh?

What were you like as a kid?

What's the one thing you love to do more than anything else?

What was the best trip you've ever been on?

What do you usually do when you go out with friends?

How do you like to spend your weekends?

Steer clear of conversation about your ex or your desire to marry and have many children. This is a first date, and you don't want your date to jump to the wrong conclusion about who you are or how you'll be in a relationship. Coming on too strong or revealing too much too soon can make the date come to a screeching halt before you've even begun. The first date is an introduction so you can get to know each other.

Also, be careful of making extreme statements, like "I will never move away from New York" or "I always go jogging in the mornings". You don't want to close yourself off to new opportunities and communicate to your date that you're not willing to change your lifestyle or routine.

Most of all, keep it light and interesting, so you can really engage with each other without asking the traditional "what do you do?" questions. Remember, if you're having fun, your date will notice.

Although some of the traditional do's and don'ts of relationships are still in play, the rules of the dating game have changed drastically in recent years. Match.com examined over 5,000 Americans looking for love online, in a study called "Everything You Think You Know About Singles is Wrong," and found that singles in 2011 look very different from the singles of yore.

So what's changed?

• Rejection is a whole lot easier. Who hasn't struggled to find the right way to explain to a date that you're no longer interested in seeing them? It's an awkward situation that many young singles in America are now likely to avoid altogether. Rather than explicitly rejecting a suitor, Match.com found that 1 in 4 women between the ages of 21 and 34 are evasive about their availability, or will simply ignore a date's calls, text messages, and emails. Women over 35, however, are still slightly more inclined to politely express their disinterest.
• Women are taking charge of their own dating destinies. Gone are the days of ladies waiting anxiously by the phone for a second date - over half of women now initiate communication on their own, instead of waiting for men to call after a date.
• The written word is more important than ever, but not in the form of love poems. Approximately one third of men and women use text messaging to get in touch after a successful first date. Unsurprisingly, almost 60% are young, between 21 and 34.
• Facebook reigns supreme. 26% of singles aged 21-35 believe it's acceptable to add a date as a Facebook friend after 2-3 dates, and 1 out of 6 people in the same age range think it's ok to add a date before the first date actually takes place.
• Getting to first base has never been easier. More than half of men polled reported that making out is appropriate sexual activity on a first date, though only 1 in 4 women agreed. Over all, over 45% of people aged 21-44 considered making out on a first date to be completely acceptable behavior.
• On the other hand, getting farther than first base might be harder than you think. About 25% of women said that they would prefer to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex with a new partner, and 32% of men said that they would be happy to wait until the other person felt ready.
• In a world in which it seems like practically everything is available in the blink of an eye, over half of singles report knowing if there's no chemistry with a date within the first 15 minutes. 3% even claimed that they could tell within 10 seconds!

Of course there's more where that came from...we'll look at a few of the myths Match busted in the next post!

For more information on the dating site which conducted this survey, you can read our review of Match.com.