When Forming Friendships, Think of the Children

When I was a child in school, I don’t recall having very many people I’d call “acquaintances.” There were friends, people I liked. There were people I didn’t like. And there were people I didn’t know. The kids in class who didn’t fall into the friend or enemy category were people I didn’t know well - and for all intents and purposes, that was pretty much the same as not knowing them at all. We wouldn’t stop in the hall and exchange pleasantries if we saw each other. And, perhaps more interestingly, what little they did know of me, observed from class, was genuine.

Now, as an adult, I have many acquaintances. These are people I would stop and speak to in the grocery store, and I would probably vaguely ask how they are doing - because I know very few specifics about their lives. We might chat about whatever season it is, or maybe something related to whatever organization we know each other through. I don’t actually feel like they know the “real me,” however, and I don’t know the “real them,” and that’s why I don’t consider them friends.

It seems the older we become, the easier it is to slip into surface relationships and small talk. When you train yourself to use the same light conversation, day after day, regardless of who you meet, revealing the authentic side of yourself to a new person can be difficult. How can you break free of the confines of small talk, and really get to know a potential match?

Well, first it’s important to remember to start small. A first-contact email is not the place to pour out your heart and soul. If, however, your potential match responds and seems interested, you might want to consider leaving talk of the weather behind.

So what do you do? The best way way to really open up, be yourself and forge a friendship is to take an interest in the person you’re talking to. When you’re worrying about how people see you, you’re self-conscious and self-focused. Instead, remember that conversations happen between two equally interesting and important people. Ask questions, and listen to the answers. Chances are, the conversation will progress naturally, and you’ll answer a few questions of your own - honestly.

It’s strange - children in grade school don’t need to be “taught” these tips about making friends. They form fast friendships, seemingly instinctively. Brushing up on schoolyard rules can remind us what friendship is really about - and most enduring romantic relationships contain a strong friendship as well. So when you next meet a potential match for the first time, think about the other person - and wind up presenting a self free of surface talk.