Relationships

If you've online dated for any length of time, you know it can be an emotional rollercoaster. You spend time creating your profile, agonizing over pictures to post, and searching through a seemingly endless list of candidates.

At first, it can be exciting. There are so many people to choose from, how can you effectively narrow your playing field? You send off messages to the best looking women, or the most charming men. You write witty and funny musings about yourself in the form of flirtatious banter. You wink at them, send questions, or poke them depending on the site.

And then you wait.

Sometimes you wait to hear back from a particular man or woman that intrigued you more than all the others, only to get nothing in return. Or you see that the object of your affection has viewed your profile and decided not to respond. Or worse yet, you get a message saying "I'm not interested", and you want to remove every picture from the profile you painstakingly put together. It can be a major blow to the ego to be rejected by someone from only a brief online interaction.

The key to keeping your sanity and not letting yourself get down is to reign in your feelings and remember that you're not the only one experiencing rejection. It's easy to blow someone off when you don't have to do it face-to-face. Dating is a numbers game to start, and online dating only increases the numbers. You might meet more people, but you'll also experience more snubs and rejection. Don't take it personally. Your online matches don't know you at all.

If you've been messaging back and forth with your object of affection and suddenly she disappears, don't automatically assume you said something wrong or that she's some kind of gold-digger or player. When you're online dating, you are interacting with many different people. It's possible she started dating someone, and isn't going to remove her profile or respond to anyone else until she sees where the relationship can go. That's her choice, and it's yours, too. So don't keep messaging her, move on.

The main concern is that you don't take things personally. Online behavior is different from real life behavior. It's easier to go silent and disappear when you're searching and emailing from the privacy of your own laptop, so many people do. This isn't a reflection on you. Don't dwell on the rejection, move on to other matches and see if there's more of a connection.

There comes a time in every flirtation - online and off - when things take a more serious turn: the first dinner date. As simple as "dinner and a movie" may sound, the dinner date strikes fear into hearts of many, even the most experienced daters, who find themselves relentlessly obsessing over questions like "What should I wear?" "What can I talk about?" and "Should we split the bill?"

Fear not, dinner dater! The rules for successful dinner dates are much simpler than you think. Follow the tips in these gastronomic guidelines and you'll be an etiquette expert who could give Emily Post a run for her money:

1. Modern technology is great - but not at the dinner table. Your Facebook status does not need to be updated in the middle of the fillet mignon, and there's no reason to check your email over dessert. The point of a date is to get to know the person sitting opposite you, which you're not likely to do while your face is glued to your cell phone. And speaking of the person sitting opposite you...
2. You're a grown up - sit like one. Sitting next to each other at the table is the province of parents with children who cannot feed themselves and loved up teenagers who think makeout sessions are an appropriate way to pass the time between courses. But you, being the classy and mature adult that you are, understand that sitting across from one another, staring into each other's eyes (and maybe playing footsie discreetly under the table), is the way to go.
3. Be respectful - to both your date and the waitstaff. It's obvious that your date deserves to be treated with respect, but don't forget to treat everyone else around you, like waiters and maitre d's, with kindness and generosity as well. Do not be impatient or rude, and don't leave a miniscule tip. The way you treat the people who serve you tells your date a lot about who you really are as a person, so it's important that you only send positive messages.
4. Don't forget your manners - but don't take them too far. A little politeness goes a long way. Wait until both you and your date have been served before tucking in to your spaghetti bolognese, and don't taste any of your date's meal unless they offer to share. Offer to share a sample of your own in return. Don't stress out over which fork is meant for the salad and which is meant for the entree, and don't worry too much about where the dividing line is between "forearms on the table" and "elbows on the table." And ladies: don't just order an appetizer, out of concern for your weight or your date's pocketbook, but don't order something that will break the bank either. You can have the 5 course lobster prix fixe dinner on your own time.

See? Dinner date etiquette isn't complicated - it just requires a little consideration. Now get dining, daters!

"Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" is more than just the title of a hit from one of my favorite bands - it's also a question that everyone will find themselves asking about a relationship at some point in their lives. In addition to the queries I suggested asking yourself last time, like "Am I staying in this relationship out of genuine love, or simply because it's easy?," here are three more tips to guide you through the defining moment of determining the future of a relationship:

• Don't blow things out of proportion. In the jargon of therapists and other experts, the tendency to convince yourself that a situation is worse than it really is is known as "catastrophizing." In the face of a potential breakup, take a step back and try to observe your situation from an objective point of view. Are you staying out of an irrational fear that leaving the relationship means being alone forever? Are you worried that you won't be able to survive without someone to take care of you? If you catch yourself buying into one of these ideas, or a similarly limiting belief, it's time for a major reality check. Remind yourself that you're perfectly capable of taking a leap into the unknown and landing upright. Then jump.
• See if absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Taking a break from a relationship is a great way to put things into perspective. Once you're removed from the pressure of the situation, ask yourself honestly if you miss your partner and the connection you share. If you do, then consider working on the relationship and giving it a second chance. If, on the other hand, you find yourself enjoying your freedom, it's time to take the plunge and end things.
• Make a list. Check it twice. Is your sweetie naughty or nice? It may not be technologically advanced, but it's effective: write one list of what works in your relationship, and another list detailing what doesn't work. Once your lists are finished, use them to determine what needs to be changed in order for the relationship to work for you, then discuss it with your partner. If he's receptive to your ideas, the relationship might be salvageable. If not, you've proved to yourself that it's time to move on.

Follow these tips, and you'll be well equipped to dump the wrong guy as soon as you realize he isn't right for you. The sooner you can ditch the frogs, the faster you can find the prince.

It seems when I find myself happily in a relationship, my exes and dates from the past come out of the woodwork to "check in" and see if I want to date again. I don't think I'm alone in this. How many times are we approached and asked out, even by total strangers, when we are already in a relationship?

Maybe it's because we're happy and at peace with ourselves: the kind of self-assurance you can acquire by being in a relationship is very attractive to others. There's something sexy about confidence, happiness, and freedom of self.

But it's important to know that this is true when you're not in a relationship as well. Cultivating your own happiness, self-confidence and sense of peace are big attractors for your love life. Following are some tips to help you with this.

Feed your spirit. Do you have a love for pets, traveling, or skydiving? Instead of waiting for a partner to share your passions with, enjoy them yourself! When you're excited about what you're experiencing, it's contagious. (You might find it's easier to meet people and introduce romance to the mix as well.)

Spend time with uplifting people. It's easy to go out with friends and colleagues to complain about work and relationships (or lack thereof). While this might make you feel a little better in the short term, it can lead to feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and depression in the long run. Instead of giving in to your need to vent about frustrations, try going out with people who lift your spirits. Whether they are creative, spiritual, eccentric, or nurturing, people who enjoy life are positive role models for changing our own tendencies and behavior. Plus, their enthusiasm is contagious.

Make a list for you. Think of all of your great qualities and list them out on a piece of paper. Remind yourself why you are a fun, engaging, unique and wonderful person. We become so used to analyzing what's wrong with us, we don't spend enough time cultivating the things we like. These are important qualities to remember!

Be thankful. As cheesy as it sounds, having a sense of gratitude about your life every day can lead to long-term feelings of peace, contentment and happiness, all of which contribute to the "irresistible" factor in attracting people to you. This is not a denial of problems you encounter in life, but rather an affirmation of the good things that come to you as well.

Be open. Remember when you were a kid and curious about the world around you? Every new person was a monumental meeting. If you tap into that sense of wonder and possibility now as an adult, you'll find that your opportunities will grow.

Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend, or been cheated on? Is it hard for you to move on from these past offenses to a healthy new relationship, or are you afraid of the scenario repeating itself?

Infidelity is the cause of many relationships breaking apart. It creates heartache because trust is broken. Betrayal has occurred between you and your partner, and sometimes it is difficult to envision positive, happy future relationships. If you did the cheating, you feel guilty and wonder if you'll stray again. If you were cheated on, it's hard to trust others.

While these emotional hurdles are understandable, it's necessary to move past them in order to form a healthy, new relationship. Following are some steps you can take to face your fears and put your love life on track.

Forgive yourself, forgive your ex. If you're holding on to guilt or anger, it will continue to be part of your life. The only way to truly free yourself is to let go of the resentment you have built up from these past mistakes. Forgive so that you can let go and move on.

Understand why it happened. Was your relationship difficult? Did you find it hard to communicate? Did you feel as though your partner wasn't listening to you or considering your feelings? There are many reasons why people stray, and usually there is a problem in the relationship before the cheating starts. Understand the dynamics of the past relationship, how you communicated, and what you could do differently next time.

Stop judging. Your future partner isn't your ex. Don't make assumptions about his or her behavior based on your past. Again, if you're carrying resentment it's difficult to form a trusting, healthy relationship with any new partner. Instead of expecting the same bad behavior from someone new, be open, honest, and respectful of him or her. Give him a chance to prove himself through behavior as well as words. When you're in a positive place, you can build trust.

Have an open heart. Yes, your trust has been betrayed. You've been hurt. You have every right to be suspicious of your dates, but this doesn't mean it's the healthy approach. Instead of building walls to protect yourself from getting hurt again, or assuming the worst of people, vulnerability is required for love to happen. Focus on what you want in your next relationship: honesty, good communication, happiness, and openness. Know that it is possible to have all of these things. Know that you will.

The tools for keeping in touch online are in a constant state of evolution - that means that the etiquette that must be observed by social networking daters is constantly changing, too. To avoid commiting a social networking crime, keep the following four "Do's" in mind whenever you log on:

1. Do keep your inner stalker in check. It can be useful to learn a little bit of information about someone online, particularly if you met them on a dating site and haven't met them in person yet, but it's easy to get carried away. Get to know your date face-to-face, through conversation, not via the pages they've "liked" on Facebook. And remember that once a relationship has blossomed, it's still important to keep your stalker tendencies tucked away. Don't spend hours keeping up with your partner's social networking activities, and don't overshare on the social networking sites you use. Maintaining a little mystery is always a good thing.
2. Do keep your racier photos private. You might love that picture of you and your honey making out in the back corner of the local dingy dive bar, but that doesn't mean that all 758 of your Facebook friends love it too. PDA can be just as inappropriate online as it is offline. And if you're in to sending even more scandalous photos to your partners, do it without an audience, using private albums on photo sharing sites.
3. Do make use of the handy love-life-sustaining tools the Internet provides to keep a long distance relationship alive. Write private blogs to one another so that you feel connected with each other's every day life, even when you're far apart. Send each other cards or surprise gifts ordered online. Use Skype, or a similar service, to keep in touch and keep your phone bill down. Bonus points for creative uses of the camera feature.
4. Do consider deleting old photos of old flames. Letting go of former relationships is hard, and holding on to the past by pouring over all the photos of you and your ex on Facebook only makes it harder. You don't have to remove all signs that your ex ever existed from your social networking sites of choice, but it's wise to cut back on the number of their appearances both for your own sanity and to prevent potential new love interests from ditching you over concerns that you're still pining for your ex.
   

Bonus Technological Tip: If "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Social Networkers" was a book, "drunk texting" would not be on the list. Neither word drunk Tweeting, drunk Gchatting, or drunk status updating. Not only could you say something damaging to your self-esteem or to your relationship, a slew of communiques you don't remember sending might be a sign that you need to cut back on the boozing, if only for your liver's sake. Make use of programs, like the one provided by Google, that don't allow you to send messages during your peak hours of imbibing unless you pass a sobriety test.

For reviews of similar sites that you can use for dating like Facebook and Twitter, please check out our Social Networking category. If you are looking for the flip side of this blog post, you can read the don'ts of social networking.