Relationships

Ever dreamt of becoming a romcom star like Meg Ryan, Kate Hudson, and Matthew McConaughey?

Bob Murray - a 34 year old commercial real estate investor from Milwaukee - didn't set out to become a leading man on the silver screen, but his search for The One might make him a film star anyway. After three long-term relationships that spanned 12 years, and a year of singlehood, Murray decided to embark upon an adventure that he hopes will lead to lasting love and a movie deal. Last month, he began a 17-day road trip that will take him through 8 cities - St. Louis, Kansas City, Dallas, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and a TBD city in Oklahoma - during which he will go on prearranged dates with women he met online, all the while documenting his every move with the help of a small film crew.

And did I mention he'll be traveling by cab?

In addition to a production assistant, sound expert, and camera operators, Murray will be joined on his journey by Paula Heus, a cabdriver who will also dish out romantic advice as an unofficial life coach. "She's a real firecracker and not afraid to state her opinion about things," Murray told the Bellingham Herald. When his quest is over, Murray hopes to tour the film festival circuit with a documentary about his unusual search for love.

Heus' cab has hardly left the driveway, but already Murray's project has hit a few roadblocks. A planned stop in Amarillo, TX had to be abandoned after Murray was unable to get a response to his search for a date in the city, and a rule that dates could only be arranged two weeks in advance was made when scheduled meetups with two women fell through after they found boyfriends before Murray arrived in their cities.

Murray was also able to raise less than $5,000 of the $20,000 he hoped to earn to fund the trip, so he was forced to foot much of the bill himself and exchange equity in the film for further donations from his largest investors. In spite of these setbacks, however, Murray has been on his first date in Milwaukee, with an actress named Cynthia Kmak, and has plans for adventures along the lines of mountain climbing and skydiving in other cities.

You can follow his progress on Twitter, at www.twitter.com/percent40dateamerica, and Facebook, at www.facebook.com/dateamerica.

When most people step into the world of online dating, they have one, very specific goal in mind: to find love. Simple, right? Unfortunately, sometimes the very scope of that goal causes unnecessary fear and paralysis. They aren’t going on a date; they’re interviewing a potential spouse! They aren’t saying hello; they’re setting the course of their destiny! Before you know it, you have someone who’s afraid to go to the grocery store when they aren’t looking their best, “just in case” their future love is in the cereal aisle.

In many ways, it’s similar to the challenges people face when they try to lose weight. To say, “I want to lose thirty pounds” is daunting to say the least. Progress seems incredibly slow, and many give up before they’ve even put in much work, simply because it’s mentally exhausting. However, saying, “I’d like to lose one to two pounds a week for a month,” isn’t so bad - and then the next month, when you set that goal again, it’s even easier.

Tackling online dating in much the same way might just save your nerves and your sanity. Instead of looking for love, take small steps in the short-term. A first goal might be carefully writing and editing a profile. Once you’re satisfied with that, set a goal for the number of first-contact emails you’ll write per week (somewhere between five and ten is recommended). Remember, all you’re doing is essentially saying hello - nothing too stressful about that!

Another way to incrementally grow your dating skill is to take it out in public. Try setting a goal to smile or say hello to random strangers - they don’t even have to be people you’re interested in. Once you’re used to meeting new people, a first date will be all the easier.

Online dating and the prospect of “love” can be intimidating; rather than disadvantaging yourself with nerves, try to take the process in as many small steps as you can. Meeting new people is a skill, after all; there’s nothing wrong with a little practice.

You’ve decided to try out the world of online dating, and you’ve chosen a site. When you sit down to write your profile, however, your mind goes blank. No, worse than blank - you know all about your life, and you’re convinced you must be the most boring person on the planet.

Here’s a secret: most people don’t consider themselves anything other than ordinary at best. People who have the most exciting careers and hobbies imaginable - the sort of people they make TV series about - don’t see themselves as anything special. While their humility is sweet, it doesn’t really help them catch the eye of their readers.

What does stand out? Enthusiasm. For those who are worried about appearing arrogant, fear not; if you don’t want to talk about how awesome you are, just share the excitement you already feel for something in your life. Maybe you’ve taken up boating: talk about the freedom and power of the ocean. Maybe you’re a journalist: share the frantic atmosphere of a newsroom. You could even talk about the serenity you’ve found with yoga. Is life exciting and fun every day? No, but no one’s is. Try to capture your feelings on the days you truly enjoy.

Emotions are contagious; if you think your life is a bore, it’ll show and everyone else will agree. If you’re excited and positive about something, however, even a passion you don’t share, like physics or birdhouse building, your good mood will leap off the page and into the smile of the reader. And the enthusiasm lingers; you’ll be remembered more positively, too.

Of course, some days it’s hard to muster up enthusiasm for anything, even things you normally enjoy. Some days are just devoid of color. How can your write a profile then?

The simple answer: don’t. You don’t have to publish an online profile until you’re good and ready. If you’re not in a good mood, don’t even try to write a profile (and certainly don’t try to take a picture). Who wants their first impression to be a snapshot of a bad day? A profile is only a few paragraphs, not the next great novel; holding off until you’re feeling good about something is well worth the wait.

It's hard to tell sometimes whether or not you're on a date. If a man calls or texts to ask you to "hang out" does that mean he's romantically inclined, or is it a friendship-based thing? Sometimes we are even afraid to ask what's going on.

If you find yourself hanging out a lot with guys, but unsure of whether this constitutes a date, following are some ways to tell the difference. After all, if you're interested in a man, there should be dating involved, or else you're both just wasting time. Hold him to some standards.

He makes plans in advance. If a man calls you and asks if you can get together in the next half hour, this is not a date. You are a Plan B because his first choice fell through. Same thing if he texts you at midnight to come over and hang out. This isn't a chivalrous gesture to romantically seduce you, it's a booty call. If he schedules with you in advance and has a place to go, this is indeed a real date.

He doesn't include his friends. If he calls and asks you out only to meet up with four of his best buddies, rest assured that this is not a date. It's great that he wants to introduce you to his friends, but if you find yourself without any alone time when you're together, it's likely that romance isn't on his mind.

He compliments you and flirts. If a man is interested, usually he tries to show it. He will tell you how attractive he finds you, or how pretty you look. If he doesn't express his interest, he may think of you only as a buddy.

He reaches out to you. If he makes a point of calling and texting you to get together, likely he is interested. When you find yourself doing all the work, you may want to reconsider your relationship.

He pays for the date. If he reaches for his wallet to grab the check for dinner or drinks, then likely he sees you as a date rather than just a friend. So if you're not interested, let him know.

The best strategy is to be honest with yourself and with your love interest. If you're afraid to ask him directly if you are dating or if you're just friends, then you will drive yourself crazy trying to read into all of the signals he may or may not send. Do yourself a favor: ask him if it's a date. After all, you're worth it.

Recently a good portion of the world watched as a Prince walked down the aisle with his new bride. Even if you had no interest in royalty or weddings, there’s a good chance you know some random detail about the events, their courtship, or the after-party.

It got me thinking about weddings. In general, the planning of a wedding is incredibly stressful. I can’t tell you how many brides I’ve known who planned a wedding that wasn’t what they really wanted because “the family would be disappointed” or “it’s what’s expected.” If you were to listen to these stressed-out brides, there’s nothing everyone loves more than a super-traditional wedding.

I recently did a survey of all the people in a room and asked them if they’d ever been to a wedding they enjoyed, and what they liked about it. The “fun” and “awesome” weddings were all different: surprise weddings, destination weddings, elopements, themed weddings. Most importantly, they fit the couple getting married. Those traditional weddings? They were called “stuffy” and “a dime-a-dozen.” Even though these couples are tearing themselves apart to plan a party that “meets expectations,” people seem to enjoy the ones where the couple is relaxed and doing what they want to do.

So too is it in the world of dating and relationships. Too often, stress in a relationship comes not from incompatibility, but from frustration about meeting expectations. “We should be engaged by now,” someone might think, or, “this girl isn’t the sort of girl my mother will like.” Instead of looking at someone and appreciating who they are, we tend to look at the boxes that don’t quite fit around our partner or our relationship. Very few things are worse for a partnership than comparing it against the relationships of others.

As you go on dates and enter into new relationships, don’t think about what you should be doing or how you should be feeling. Instead, remember that you’re two unique people, forming a brand-new combination. At the end of the day, the party is for the two of you, not anyone else.

Is your idea of true love a handsome prince riding up on a white stallion to sweep you off your feet?

If so, you might want to adjust your ideas of romance before looking for love online. According to a recent article written by Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz for CNN, "online dating is the freaking savanna. Circa 2 million years ago. As in, early humans tearing around the open grasslands without much regard for courtship courtesy." In other words: if you're expecting a Disney fairytale when you join an online dating site, you'd better toughen up or log off.

When we turn to the Internet to find love, write Ehrlich and Bartz, "out come all our animalistic instincts: We refuse to give a second look to those who don't meet our physical requirements, rudely ignore those we don't find worthy and generally let our ids run wild." The World Wide Web is not for the faint of heart. For the more sensitive among us, online dating can be a harsh, cruel world - but that's no reason to give up on it all together.

Ehrlich and Bartz offer the following advice for easily offended online daters:

• If you send a message to someone you're interested in and they never respond... It hurts. Rejection always does. But it's not the end of the world. When you're forced to suffer through the silent treatment, remind yourself that the person who rejected you is someone you've never even met. They might be a jerk. They might be a loser. They might hate your all-time favorite band. You know next to nothing about them, and they know almost nothing about you, so ultimately nothing is lost, even if you feel sad for a little while.
• If you've exchanged several messages back and forth with someone and seem to have a genuine connection, then they suddenly go MIA... Check their profile. Are they still logging on, or have they abandoned the Internet completely? In the case of the first option, review your recent communications with them. Were you dull, pushy, needy, or creepy? Consider the experience a lesson in what-not-to-do, and make up for your mistakes with the next person. In the case of the second option, Erhlich and Bartz suggest telling yourself a story, like "Maybe she met someone great! Good for her," and moving on. In either case, don't waste your time continuing to message someone who has gone radio silent. Browse profiles for a new potential paramour to woo.

If you don't think you're up to the task of navigating the wild world of online dating armed only with a keyboard and all the self-confidence you've got, it's time for a reality check: "online dating could benefit from a protocol overhaul in terms of courtesy, but begging everyone to change the rules this late in the game would be stupid." So if you can't beat the cavemen, join them - club your pick over the head and drag them back to your online dating den. Whatever happens in the privacy of your own cave is up to you.