Relationships

What do you get when you combine online dating with location-based social networking services like Foursquare?

Location-based dating, of course! Take Blendr, for example, a new mobile app that lets users skip the hassle of setting up an online dating profile and meet someone nearby, right away. The app is based on the idea that complex algorithms and matchmaking software aren't needed to find a date, or even to meet new friends. All it really takes to break the ice and start a connection is a shared interest in something like fantasy football or Vietnamese food.

The application uses a check-in feature that allows users to broadcast their location to other app users. They can also send messages to one another through the application, and post status updates on Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare. Mobile dating seems like an obvious next step in a world that is increasingly connected and decreasingly concerned with privacy, but the question is: Is it a positive step, or not? Or, as a recent New York Times article asked, is it "cool or creepy?"

Opinion is mixed on the issue. When I asked my parents what they thought about location-based dating, they were aghast. Why would anyone want to do that, they asked? It can't possibly be safe to share your location with any stranger who checks you out on an app. But when I asked my friend's teenage brother, he just shrugged. To him, location-based dating was just a fact of life. It was logical in our evermore engaged world. Safety and privacy, he seemed to think, were things of the past.

Some love the idea of easily being able to find a date on a Friday night, or of being able to instantly find a companion for a last-minute trip to a nearby museum. Others point out that it's not really "dates" that these kind of apps encourage. "What a howler," said one user on the Times site. "These apps are for SEX and sex alone. People want to hook up, and proximity is everything for a quick one."

So who's right? Are they all right? Does it matter? Is location-based dating whatever you want it to be? Marcos, another Times reader, may have summed it up best: "It is the future, some of it at least, whether you like it or not."

Personally, I can't imagine letting users on a mobile dating app know where I am, privacy features or not! But what do you think, readers? What's your take? Is it creepy? Is it cool? Have you tried any location-based dating services? What was your experience with them? Share your thoughts!

With the continuing recession and the upcoming 2012 election, there's one thing on everybody's mind.

Jobs: where to find them, how to get them, and why there aren't enough of them.

Sounds an awful lot like finding a date, doesn't it? It doesn't matter how many millions of single men and women are looking for love, it seems like you can't find the right one. Where are all the eligible guys and gals hiding? How do you connect with them if you do find them? Are there just not enough dateable singles to go around? Is there a romantic recession too?

The good news is: the "romantic recession" is nothing but cute alliteration. And there is no bad news. Millions of single people across the globe have joined online dating sites in search of love, and the numbers are constantly rising.

What dating does having in common with the job market is this: there's a lot that your job hunt can teach you about dating and relationships. Let's take a look:

• Key words are key. On many dating sites, an algorithm is used to pair up potential matches. In the professional world, recruiters and job seekers use a range of filters and keywords to narrow their search and determine whether or not they're a good match. Got shared values, interests, and beliefs? Bingo. It's a perfect match.

• Image counts. Your resume is the first impression you leave on a potential employer. What does it say about you? Is it an accurate representation of who you are and what you can do? And does it distinguish you from the other candidates hoping for the job? On an online dating site, your profile makes that same first impression. With so many singles turning to the Internet to find love, competition is fierce. It's up to you to create a killer profile that makes you stand out from all the other fish in the sea.

• Originality is always a plus. Does your resume include the phrase "detail-oriented?" So does everybody else's. Resumes and job interviews are full of cliched lines - "My biggest weakness is that I'm too much of a perfectionist!" - that bear a remarkable resemblance to the worn out pick up lines used on the dating scene. Success in both markets requires originality. Cut the cliches from your professional repertoire, and stop sending the same cut-and-pasted message to potential dates.

And you know there's more where that came from...

I find the biggest challenge for most daters is perseverance and - well - faith that things can change. When you have one bad date, it makes a good story for your friends, but a string of bad dates or relationships and you start to think there's something wrong with the people you're meeting. Or that you have really bad luck. Or that you're destined to be single. None of these are true, however. But how do you get past the frustration to see things a bit more optimistically?

While it's true that not every date or relationship is going to go well, you don't have to get discouraged. While it seems life may be handing you lemons unfairly, the only thing that's completely under your control is your attitude. You can't dictate who you'll meet or what they should be like. So since you can't control them, do take control of the one thing you can - your perception.

Instead of getting frustrated because your boyfriend isn't doing what you want him to do, or the man you're attracted to won't call, or you aren't meeting anyone you want to see again - take a step back. Ask yourself if you are giving the pessimistic view of dating and relationships the power over you by assuming things will never change. Instead of doing this, try approaching things with a new perspective:

Refrain from complaints. Instead of dishing about your bad dates with your girlfriends to gain sympathy, start talking about things that interest you and make you happy. It doesn't matter whether it's travel or pets or your work, change the focus of your interactions with friends to be positive and inspiring, rather than sessions for complaining. You might notice a change in your friends, too.

Do something fun after every bad date. Sometimes the only way to get us out of a funk is to do something different. Instead of curling up in front of the TV, get out and try something fun you've always wanted to do. Try it by yourself or with a friend, whatever makes you feel comfortable. This helps to readjust your attitude patterns.

Stop nagging. Maybe you know exactly what he should do to be a better boyfriend, but it doesn't help your relationship to nag or try to change him. Accept him for who he is - after all, you fell in love with him as he is. Instead of trying to change him or list off his faults, try cultivating acceptance. Think of all the traits you love about him. When you change your attitude towards him from annoyance to acceptance, you'll find it brings your relationship to a whole new level, and makes it much more enjoyable - as it should be!

Every online dating website is a little bit different, but many of them share a common feature: the profile headline. If your profile is the description on the back of the paperback novel - luring the reader in, eager to learn more - the headline is the eye-catching title of the book. In some site searches, you may see the headline before you even click on the profile, so it can be just as key in grabbing attention as the default picture. So how can we make sure our headline is doing its job?

Some people like to take what I call the “Name That Movie” approach. They’ll use a quote from a movie, TV show or book. It serves as a bit of a litmus test in common interests - if you recognize the quote, you already have something in common already. It’s not a bad idea, but there are two potential problems with this approach.

First of all, if you don’t recognize the quote, it might come across as irrelevant or even offensive. “Fine!” the movie buff might declare. “If they don’t recognize the quote, they’re not worth knowing!” Which brings us to the second problem - just because someone hasn’t seen the right movie or recognizes an obscure quote from it doesn’t mean they’re not compatible. It’s essentially banking on only one bit of common knowledge to tie two people together - those odds might make even the most reckless gambler take pause .

A popular alternative is the “Literary” approach. The writer clearly wants a headline that’s interesting and not a glorified classified ad; there might be alliteration, puns or other literary devices. Sometimes they even attempt a joke - a bold move.

There’s nothing really wrong with this approach, but it might be difficult to do well. Call it Level Two of profile writing - if you think you’re ready for it, you’re more than welcome to try. Just remember: it might be tempting to be as clever and witty as possible, but there’s nothing wrong with a simpler joke or phrase. You’re looking for eye-catching, after all.

In fact, some of the most successful profile headlines have nothing to do with the profile itself - they ask questions, like “Where’s the best place to get coffee in this city?” Almost everyone has a strong opinion that they’d like to share - so the “Question” approach might even bring in readers who might not otherwise have clicked on that profile. Are these extra readers necessarily compatible? Most of them might not be - but some of them might.

None of these approaches are actually absolute “don’ts” in the world of online dating; it’s just important to weigh the pros and cons of each when you’re constructing a headline that fits you. What do you want your headline to say about you? Perhaps more importantly, how will your headline to best work for you, bringing in readers who will get the real story from your profile?

Oscar Wilde was a man who appreciated youth.

"I am not young enough to know everything," he famously said.

"To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable," reads The Picture of Dorian Gray.

"Youth is wasted on the young," he lamented.

Cherie Burbach, a friendship expert on About.com and contributor to LifeGoesStrong.com, has also discovered an appreciation for youth. "If you look back on your dating life with regret over some of the people you dated," she says in a recent post, "it's time to change that perspective. Making mistakes when you're in your 20s and 30s is natural, especially when it comes to your dating life." And when all is said and done, "some of the those 'oops' moments are precisely what make you a smarter dater today."

So what can you learn from your youth?

Let go of regrets. So what if you once fell for someone who didn't feel the same way about you? You surrendered to romance and threw caution to the wind, and it just didn't work out. Unrequited love is the stuff of revered Shakespearian sonnets, not something that should be a source of embarrassment or regret. "Maybe you weren't reading things correctly at the time," writes Burbach, "or you 'lived in your head' a little too much, but I'll bet that after you got turned down, you paid more attention to your relationships." The insight you gained from the experience probably helped you choose your partners more wisely in the future.

Lost time can still teach you a valuable lesson. When you were younger, you may have thought that a bad relationship would somehow naturally work itself out. Maybe you stayed with someone who was self-destructive, or with someone who treated you poorly, or with someone who didn't take the relationship as seriously as you did. Looking back, you regret that you spent so much time in a relationship that was doomed to fall apart. But look on the bright side: "Staying in a bad relationship taught you about recognizing the good relationships." Once you understood what a relationship with no future looked like, you were better able to identify - and steer clear of - those relationships afterwards.

Lingering over "what might have been's" is not a wise use of your time. Somewhere along the line, you probably think you missed out on a romantic opportunity. For whatever reason, you let a potential relationship slip through your fingers and now you find yourself wondering What if? "Take comfort in the fact that if it was meant to happen, it would have," Burbach advises. "It doesn't matter that you didn't take a chance, because the reality is that you might have taken a chance and it still wouldn't have worked out." Every mistake is an invaluable lesson, and the past belongs in the past.

"To get back one's youth one has merely to repeat one's follies," said Wilde. But maybe they weren't follies after all.

Scenario: You've been dating a man for a month, and find yourself very attracted to him. When you're together, you have fun and he makes you feel like a million bucks. However, sometimes he'll criticize you or lash out at you for no reason. You rack your brain trying to think of what you did to set him off. You want to change for him, to be "better." Maybe he tells you you're not good enough. Maybe this has been a pattern in your relationships.

Because October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, I want to point out an often overlooked aspect of dating - emotional manipulation and abuse. While this isn't physical abuse, it can be very damaging to women. Some men emotionally manipulate women to control them, and often the women involved don't realize it until they are already in love and vulnerable to how their men view them. These women can feel worthless and unlovable unless they receive approval, causing the relationship to bounce between wonderful and terrible. If you find yourself getting into an emotionally unstable relationship, ask yourself the following:

Does he treat you with respect? If you find yourself humiliated or criticized more often than loved and respected, you may want to reconsider your relationship. A true boyfriend is concerned about your happiness as well as his own.

Does he seem insecure around you? Some men are intimidated by strong or successful women, and will try to manipulate them to gain power. If he never seems happy for your accomplishments, ask yourself (and him) why. If he respects and cares for you, he will be proud of you, and happy about what you do.

Is he very critical? Sure, we all make mistakes and we all have a lot to learn when it comes to love and relationships. There is room to grow and do better. But does he seem to point out your faults at every turn, and blame you for every problem in the relationship? If he seems to find fault with you and never admits his own shortcomings, this is a red flag.

Are you afraid to talk openly with him? If you walk on eggshells around him, afraid to express your feelings or thoughts, then ask yourself how this relationship is benefitting you. If you can't be open and vulnerable with your romantic love interest, then you can't have a real relationship. It's impossible to love and be loved without making yourself vulnerable. If you don't feel safe enough to do this with him, then that is a giant red flag telling you he's not the one.