Relationships

There are certain basic rules we try to follow when we’re on a date – like being on time, chewing food without spitting it in the other person’s wine glass, and refraining from talk about the ex. But what about your mobile phone? What are the rules for texting or answering calls while on a date?

Many people feel that they have to have their phones near them at all times, in case that very important call comes in. Maybe your date sits down at the table across from you, and the first thing he does before asking you how you are or what you’d like to drink is – he takes his phone out of his pocket and places it on the table.

Now it’s a three-way date: you, him, and his phone. Maybe it will ring or buzz. Then what? Will he pick it up and take the call? Will he text people all during dinner, interrupting your conversation? Or will he let it buzz away, with both of you shifting uncomfortably in your seats as you try to avoid looking at it?

Needless to say, it’s not a great way to start a date, or to get to know each other. When you have your phone out and ready to receive texts or calls, you’re effectively telling your date, “you’re not that important,” even if you’re expecting an important call from work or from your family member or friend. While you might think your job trumps your date, this thinking going to work against you. She will likely believe you’re making yourself seem more important than you are, and that’s not very attractive.

If you do have a work or home emergency, then make it clear to your date that this is why you need to check your phone if it rings. But if you know to expect that emergency call while you’re out, it’s a better idea to reschedule the date when you’re less distracted or anxious.

Before mobile phones became a necessary part of our lives, we had to wait until we got home to check our answering machine messages, which wasn’t such a bad thing. Will the world fall apart if you don’t return that text right away or don’t answer that call? After all, who you’re with should be your focus on a date, not who might call.

So the best thing to do? Keep your phone in a jacket pocket or in your purse – out of sight. And turn the ringer off.

Perhaps you’ve decided to jump into the online dating pool. You’ve chosen your site, you’ve written a profile you don’t hate, and you’ve even gotten a few messages. You’re pretty satisfied... until you repeatedly read that you should update your profile from time to time. What! More work? Why mess with perfection? Isn’t adding something new - something that hasn’t been scoured and re-edited - asking for trouble? And if someone has already seen your profile, haven’t they already made up their mind? Why would they come back and look again?

While at first glance, it might be best to let sleeping profiles lie, that’s not actually usually the case. There are many reasons why it can be beneficial to switch up your profile. The first and most obvious of these is to update outdated information. If you have a few dates that turn into a little more - say relationships of two to three months - an entire year or more could add up very quickly. Suddenly your profile is talking about how you can’t wait to see last year’s summer blockbuster. And since it’s been awhile since you’ve sat down and really read the thing, you don’t even remember the “Winning!” reference you threw in that isn’t quite so topical anymore.

The impulse here might be to write a profile from the start that is a “classic” - one with no dated references or anything that could pin it to a specific time. While that’s not a bad idea for the majority of the profile, it’s actually good to throw in something that is very obviously “now,” even if it’s just the last movie you saw or book you read. It makes the profile feel alive, like you could have been on just a few minutes ago, instead of making a web site for posterity. The downside, of course, is that is needs to be maintained - so to make it easy on yourself, try to keep your current references all in one section that you can easily scan and change.

Some might think that once their profile is read, the reader will never be back if they’re not interested immediately. Not necessarily! Many sites will list when you last updated (again, another reason to keep up-to-date) and bump you to the top of the search list. Particularly if you live in a large city, the reader won’t remember every profile they’ve seen, and visit some more than once - especially if you’ve switched up your default picture. Thus, there’s no reason not to update or upgrade on occasion. And speaking of pictures, remember that those can get dated too, especially if the picture was already a year or two old to begin with!

It’s great to carefully edit and come up with a profile that really feels like you, but don’t feel paralyzed once you have it. Just as you are constantly learning, changing, and redefining yourself, so too can your profile. You shouldn’t let anything box you in and keep you from expressing who you are today - least of all your own words!

You've gotten responses from the profile you created, and have started emailing a few matches. Maybe you've already clicked with one online, but you're wondering when to take the next step - calling and then potentially meeting in person.

My general philosophy is: don't wait. After all, the more time you spend emailing or talking over the phone without meeting, the more attached you become to the idea of dating that person. The truth is, you don't know who you'll feel a connection with until you meet in real life, so it's better to get to make plans sooner rather than later (before you've built up all those expectations).

Following are some steps to get you started:

Seize the opportunities. Most people are corresponding with several people at once when they join an online dating site, so if you wait too long before giving out your number or asking to meet, then you might miss an opportunity. Don't spend weeks emailing back and forth. Instead, after 2-3 email exchanges, ask for his or her number and make the first call.

Make the call. I recommend keeping your phone calls relatively brief, unless you are having such a good time you don't want to hang up. If that's the case, then make plans to meet before you hang up the phone. Also, don't keep exchanging phone calls - make plans to meet sooner rather than later. Don't be shy or wonder how to bring it up. You're both online dating for a reason - and usually you want to get to the part of meeting in person to see if there's chemistry. So ask! Please remember: if the person on the other end of the line seems resistant to meeting by making excuses, cancelling, or otherwise backing out of plans, it's a red flag that they may not be who they claim. So don't keep holding out for a meeting - move on.

Pick a low stress date activity. Making dinner plans with someone you've never met is pretty stressful for a first date. There's no need to go to such lengths to impress, especially when you might not even want to spend two hours together! Instead, pick a low-key environment where you can talk for a short time, like a coffee shop or bar. Even better: I suggest grabbing your coffee to go and going for a walk in a nearby park or along an interesting street. When you have places to see together, it takes some of the stress out of thinking of things to talk about. Instead, the conversation is more organic.

If all goes well, don't be shy about asking for a second date right away. There's no more "three day rule," so feel free to text and mention you had a good time and like to see each other again. Happy dating!

We are smack-dab in the middle of summer now, which means it's time for dates to get a little more creative. Dinner and a movie may sound good when it's pouring buckets outside or dropping several feet of snow, but unless you're faced with blizzards and thunderstorms, you should be thinking outside the dinner-and-the-cinema box.

Take advantage of the warmer weather by letting your outdoorsy side take the lead for your romantic rendezvous. Here are a few great summer date ideas:

1. Pack a picnic. It's kind of like dinner and movie, but with homemade food and real life people-watching instead of a cheesy rom-com. A picnic offers more opportunity for conversation than catching the latest theatrical release, plus it's the perfect chance to show off your skills in the kitchen.
2. Go for a bike ride. It's a workout and a date all wrapped into one! It's also an opportunity to be a tourist in your own city, and see the sights from a new perspective. If you really want to make it memorable, you can even rent a "bicycle built for two."
3. Go horseback riding. You like the idea of going for a ride, but biking isn't for you. Then try a horse instead. There's something undeniably romantic about horseback riding - just think of the irresistible knight in shining armor.
4. Spend an afternoon on the water. If you want a relaxing date, rent a boat and go for a cruise. If you want a date that doubles as a workout, try a canoe or a kayak. If you want to test your date's daredevil cred, go whitewater rafting.
5. Take a hike. Find a scenic local route and invite your date to explore it with you. Enjoy the resident flora (and maybe even a bit of fauna) while getting to know each other. You may even have a chance to impress your date with knowledge from your scouting days.
6. Try rock climbing. Dating experts always suggest indoor rock climbing as a creative date idea, but why do it indoors when you could do it outside? It may require an intro class if you and your date don't already have climbing experience, but what's wrong with that? That's date one and date two - already planned!
7. Go camping. Not right for date one, but perfect for dates that have hit the sleepover stage. Going on an outdoor adventure in a secluded spot removes all the distractions - like wondering whether it's appropriate to take a mid-date phone call or fighting over who's going to pay the bill - so you can focus entirely on each other.
8. Skydive. Yeah, it's not for the faint of heart, but a date doesn't get any more memorable than this. Scientists have proven that activities that get your adrenaline pumping also increase attraction, so not only will it be a thrilling rush, jumping out of a plane together will also increase the connection you feel to each other.

It's a question everyone has asked at least once: Am I in love, or just in lust?

A recent international study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine hopes to answer that question by mapping out love and desire in the brain. "No one has ever put these two together to see the patterns of activation," says Jim Pfaus, co-author of the study. "We didn't know what to expect - the two could have ended up being completely separate. It turns out that love and desire activate specific but related areas in the brain."

Pfaus, along with colleagues in the United States and Switzerland, analyzed 20 different studies that examined the effects of sex and love on the body. The research recorded brain activity while subjects were engaged in tasks like viewing erotic photos, looking at pictures of their significant others, and viewing images of food and other pleasure triggers. By merging the data from all these studies, Pfaus and his team were able to create a complete map of love and desire in the brain.

They found that two structures of the brain - the insula and the striatum - are primarily responsible for the evolution of sexual desire into love. Love and sexual desire activate different areas of the striatum, which is located inside the forebrain. Lust triggers the parts of the brain that control pleasurable feelings, like those associated with sex and food, while love triggers the parts of the brain associated with habits.

Interestingly, the areas of the striatum that process love and desire are near to the area that is associated with drug addiction. "We assign different language to love and sexual desire and addiction," explains Pfaus. "But really, they're all being processed in a similar place. When we see this," he continues, "the idea of love at first sight probably isn't true. People are feeling desire."

In reality, love is actually a habit formed from sexual desire, as the desire is rewarded. "It works the same way in the brain as when people become addicted to drugs," Pfaus adds. The change that transforms desire into love is the bonding mechanism in relationships, the mechanism that is involved in monogamy and in connection in a variety of other relationships.

"This research speaks to evolution," says Pfaus. "And it could help understand addiction, love and other social neuroscience research."

Finding someone who’s right for you can occasionally feel like house hunting. Don’t believe me? Consider:

You start out with a dream house in mind. Maybe it’s a dream you’ve had for years, shaped since childhood by your own experiences and what you longed for from other people’s homes. You feel like you’ve modified your expectations to reality - you know you’re not going to really get a castle in the clouds - but you’re still fairly sure you’ve got a good idea of what you want.

Then you start checking out what’s on the market, and grim reality sets in. You feel like the only ones you’d be interested in are way out of your price range. Maybe you got spooked by a house that looked like it was in great shape, but upon inspection was really rotting from the inside; now you view any attractive house with suspicion. It seems like no matter what you do, you’re going to be faced with compromises you don’t want to make.

Here’s where we back out of the allegory for a minute and I mention how dating is not like house hunting: when it comes to people, there is no such thing as a fixer-upper. Say it with me: with people, all commitments are as-is. If you go in thinking you can change the structural integrity of someone’s personality, you’ll probably only cause damage and cause yourself a world of frustration. Put that notion right out of your head.

Back to the house-buying world: things are looking bleak, and you’re reconsidering renting. Then you come across something entirely different. Sure, it’s not exactly what you had in mind - maybe it’s younger, or older, or in a different style. It’s not your dream house, and it’s not perfect. But something about it feels... right. Homey. And upon inspection, the house has good bones, a strong support system. It’s amazing that it hasn’t been snapped up already, really - is it just that others can’t see what you see? It might not be perfect, but it sure seems like the right fit for you.

See? Not so different after all. And as you peruse profiles and go on dates, bear these lessons in mind: that the right person for you might not be the dream you’ve held since you were a child, and they might not live in that castle in the clouds. Sometimes the ones you think seem like a good bet turn out to be absolutely frightening on the inside. But sometimes you find someone - who, though they may not be perfect, may have compromises involved - just feels like home. And because you’ve looked at so many disappointments, you now know what to look for, and you’re confident you’ve found the right one for you.