Relationships

Human beings aren’t machines, but there are certainly times when we behave like them (or maybe what we consider the most machine-like behavior is actually mimicking us). Consider factory default settings. Your computer or television or coffee maker spends a considerable amount of time being programmed to do precisely what it needs to in this custom situation; then, a power outage sets it back to its default settings, and all that knowledge is lost.

We sometimes do much the same thing when we re-enter the dating world after having been absent for some time. Fashions have changed, I know much more than I used to, but if I had to identify the sort of person who catches my eye today, he probably wouldn’t look terribly different from the sort who might have done so when I was fifteen, or maybe even twelve. Now, much more information is considered before I’d consider talking to the guy, much less starting a relationship - I have learned some lessons over the years that have stuck - but that first roving glance is pretty much my factory defaults.

The trick is to recognize which parts of your defaults are ingrained and harmless, and which are bad habits that need to be rewritten every time. For example, you might be attracted to a particular physical type - slim or muscular, dark or blonde. It would be pointless to try to fight something like that, because after all, there’s no harm in it. If, however, you’re attracted to those who have a trace of arrogance or cruelty in their expression? Bad news.

If you find yourself regressing to default factory settings after a breakup, don’t panic! You’re simply going back into your search mode, as it were, and recalibrating. Next, make sure you input additional information to aid your search, such as the lessons you’ve learned from past relationships. Even more importantly, consider what you’ve learned about yourself since you were twelve (or since you entered your last relationship). Your wants, your needs, might well have changed since those defaults were first set.

Temporarily going back to factory defaults is not a problem; the problem comes if you leave yourself that way, and willfully ignore all the lessons you’ve learned since. Because all that knowledge, that “programming,” is not really lost; it’s just shuffled to the back. Truly, maybe there’s something to be said for a little default view; maybe we occasionally need a little of the hope, romance and idealism of our twelve-year-old selves. Since we are actually not machines, we can embrace or disregard whatever information we want. Just try to find the balance of information that works for you as you look for someone who makes your circuits sizzle.

Let's face it, there's more than one way to meet other singles. And it usually involves social media.

Facebook has become a really popular way to check out potential dates. After all, it's convenient (how many times a day do you check it?), informative, and accessible. But social media has taken the mystery out of dating - it used to take a while to get to know someone's tastes and preferences, and now you have access to all that kind of information - provided she posts about it. There's no such thing as a blind date anymore if you do your research before meeting!

Because Facebook puts it all out there, you should be aware of your privacy settings and also what you're posting, even if it seems trivial to you. Potential dates could take a comment or photo the wrong way - like if you post pictures of yourself with your girlfriends getting drunk at a bar, or if you make sarcastic and flirty comments to some of your male friends' posts. Sure, it may seem like nothing to you - but to a total stranger, it might be enough to turn them off, or at least to question you.

Following are some ways people use Facebook for dating purposes - so be aware before you start friending your matches!

They see where you go. People use Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare to announce where they're going or where they've been. Unfortunately, it might mean that your matches or potential dates know what you're up to even if you want to keep that more private.

They see what you really look like. Maybe you posted your four best photos on Match.com, but you get tagged on some not so classy ones in Facebook. Don't assume your dates won't find them. If there's something you don't want them seeing, untag yourself or delete it.

They see your friends. Sometimes potential dates will search through your friends to see who else they might find attractive or want to ask out. Harsh, but true. Others will look to see how many guy or girl friends you have, or how often they comment (if they get jealous or curious about you). Instead of friending your matches quickly, I would suggest waiting until you're dating each other before you give each other access to your Facebook pages, just to avoid misunderstandings.

Advice: Don't jump to conclusions. Many people post status updates about the cool things they're doing, but take it with a grain of salt. Many times people's status updates are a lot more exciting than their real lives, so don't make assumptions about how busy someone is or how popular. Get to know them face-to-face first.

To find out more about this social network and how it stacks up when used like a dating service you can read our Facebook review.

It’s not unusual to hear dating referred to in terms of hunting some exotic animal. Whether you’re talking about watering holes frequented by the single, ways of talking guaranteed to bait the unsuspecting, or being flanked by friends aiding you in the hunt, it can feel more like you’re heading out into the Serengeti than to meet a new friend.

And that’s exactly what we have to keep in mind - that you’re looking to meet a new friend with whom you also share romantic chemistry. You’re not looking for a trophy to put on your wall, or an exotic pet to take home. Perhaps you’ll share some “animal attraction,” but that should be where comparisons to the animal kingdom end.

Neither are you meeting with a member of some tribe with a completely different culture and language. Chances are, when you head out to your first date - especially one you’ve met through an online dating site - you already have a few things in common. You might even already have the spark of a potential connection.

Why, then, do so many treat dating like a Most Dangerous Game? If you had moved to a new town and wanted to make some new buddies, would you approach that like a safari? No, chances are you’d keep your eyes open when you frequented places and events you were interested in, and strike up conversations with people who seemed like they’d potentially be fun to be with. People want to get along; they want to find people who “get” them; they want to belong. Unless you happen to be dealing with someone with a massive chip on their shoulder, dating is not so different.

So as you head out on your first date, or even randomly approach someone new, remember: you’re not Teddy Roosevelt in Africa, and you’re not a spaceman making first contact with a being from another world. Approach them like you’d approach making a new friend; try to make a good first impression, but still be true to yourself and your personality. If you’re compatible, and you share an attraction, that’s really all you need. Leave the pith helmet and the khaki vest at home.

Do you feel that you spend a lot of time sifting through countless profiles, responding to numerous email requests, or trying to construct the perfect profile? You're not alone. Many people get caught up in the excitement of searching for a love interest online - after all, there's a seemingly endless number of candidates. So how do you efficiently sort through them all so you can get to the more exciting part of actually dating?

Following are some ways to streamline the process:

Shorten your login time. Instead of spending three hours in the evening scrolling through profiles and sending out emails or obsessively refreshing your screen throughout the work day, try allowing yourself an hour, or thirty minutes at lunch to scroll through new profiles or read emails. It's also nerve-wracking to wait around for a response, so instead of checking in obsessively, choosing a time of day to login will help curb those tendencies.

Don't respond to everyone. It may seem rude, but you don't have to respond to every email you get if certain people don't interest you at all. This is a big time waster, especially since many people are sending mass emails and hoping someone responds. They will get the hint if they don't hear back. If they send you repeated emails, then send them a short response of "thanks but no thanks" - keep it brief and polite.

Outline what you want. I'm not a fan of narrowing your choices down so much that you only have a few candidates to choose from. Keep your options open - but do set some limits. Sort through your matches according to what's most important to you - whether it's a religious belief, an interest or hobby, or how far you're willing to drive to meet them. If you get too few matches, you know you're being too picky - but if you get hundreds, you might try filtering your preferences a little more.

Keep it simple. When you exchange emails with another online dater, there's no need to go into a long story about your past or try to woo her with the perfect email. Instead, keep your exchanges brief and flirtatious or funny, depending on your tendencies. You can get into the stories of your lives later - think of an email as more of a teaser for meeting you.

Cut to the chase. I'm a big fan of meeting in person sooner rather than later. Some people become emotionally invested in an online relationship before they've ever met, and then become disappointed when they finally do. Instead of letting yourself get carried away with online exchanges, ask for the other person's number and give them a call! Then (if you're still interested) ask them out.

Everyone’s pretty much familiar with the various “clever” ways of taking a self-portrait. Probably most familiar is an angle popularized by a certain social networking site, and favored by women - the camera is held above head height, pointing down at the face (and often, down the shirt as well). As it grew in popularity, however, it became a bit of a cliche (thankfully - the bobble-head look is neither accurate nor especially attractive!). Unfortunately, the men seem to have come up with their own cliche pose - but this one could actually put off your viewers!

I like to refer to this pose as the “up-the-nose.” It is the direct opposite of the “bobble-head look”; the camera is held somewhere below the height of the face, and is pointed upward. There are a few reasons why someone might possibly favor this pose: since it’s at a strange angle, the nose and the jaw line is somewhat distorted. Thus, if someone was self-conscious about their nose or their chin, taking a photo where you can’t determine what it really looks like might be an attractive option - at least in theory.

In practice, there is so much wrong with this pose. From an aesthetic standpoint, the forehead is tiny and the chin is huge. The nose is reduced to a pair of nostrils, almost like a pig snout. But what’s even worse are the psychological implications for the viewer.

By placing the viewer “below” the subject, it appears that the subject is looming above, looking down at you. While the subject might feel this makes him look powerful or tall, in reality it can make the viewer feel intimidated or that the subject is attempting to dominate them. In short, it’s a good way to send a message that you’re on some kind of power trip - without ever saying a word.

Which is a shame, really, because it’s possible that these photos stem from nothing more than the fact that the web cam is placed at an unfortunate height and it never occurred to them to fix it.

Thus, if you or someone you know is suffering from “up the nose” shots, do your best to eradicate this poor excuse for a self-portrait! Perhaps a little gentle education might be best; most people don’t actually intend to intimidate or turn off their readers, and they’d probably be all too happy to fix the problem. Remember: we want to see what you really look like. A genuine smile and happy eyes will let the real you shine through, and is always far more flattering to the nose or chin than a pinhead “up the nose” picture.

When tips for writing your online dating profile are discussed, knowing what you want is usually first and foremost. It’s important to really know who you are - your flaws, your strengths, what attracts you - so that you can better figure out what you require to be happy, and thus more easily find someone who would make a great match. Because, after all, you’re looking to become one half of a pair, and how can you find your literal “other half” if you’re not sure what you’re working with in the first place?

And yet.

Sometimes we’re absolutely sure of what we want, what we need, what we’re looking for - and then we meet someone that turns all that on its head. Simple chemistry and matters of the heart completely eclipse our logic.

Note: I’m not talking about someone who is “bad” for you, or someone who directly contradicts what you know you need. No, I’m talking about someone who possesses qualities you didn’t even know you needed, or didn’t think actually existed, until you met someone with them. Someone who doesn’t rewrite your rules, but suddenly fleshes them out better and differently than you could have imagined.

Maybe you’re completely self-aware and you don’t need such redefinition of your rules. Still, the possibility of meeting someone outside your box, someone who expands your worldview and your love view, still exists. So when you’re perusing the profiles of others, when you’re scanning through emails you’ve received, keep one small part of your heart open to considering someone different. One date is, on the whole, not that great a sacrifice to have a new experience, and even if you don’t find love, you might learn something new about yourself.

After all, if all we’ve ever been served is oatmeal, how will we ever know if we’d love cake, unless we try some?