Relationships

I will always be one of the first to insist that men and women can just be friends. I have great friendships with women. I have great friendships with men. And I don't see a difference...friends are just friends, right? If you get along with someone gender doesn't matter, does it?

A new study called "Benefit or burden? Attraction in cross-sex friendship" has examined the controversial issue of male-female friendships, and found that the answer is no...and yes. Inconclusive? Yup. Interesting anyway? Definitely. Here's how it worked and what they found...

Interested in examining how heterosexual, opposite-sex friends tackled the issue of sexual attraction in their friendships, a group of researchers asked 88 pairs of opposite-sex, college-age friends to fill out questionnaires about their friendships. Participants answered questions about their friendships - including questions about their levels of attraction to each other - separately. To ensure honesty, all responses were kept confidential, even after the conclusion of the study.

The results showed that men tend to be more attracted to their female friends than female friends are attracted to their male friends. Overestimating women's interest is common amongst men, says April Bleske-Rechek, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin who worked on the study. "Men over-infer women's sexual interest in a variety of contexts," she explains, "and I definitely see that extending into the domain of cross-sex friendships as well."

Men and women were equally likely to report finding their opposite-sex friends attractive even when they were already romantically involved with someone else, but more men said they'd like to go on a date with their female friends. Fewer women said they would be interested in dating male friends, preferring to keep their relationships platonic.

The research team then expanded their investigation to a second study, which asked 107 young adults ages 18 to 23 and 322 adults between the ages of 27 and 55 to list reasons why cross-sex friendships are both beneficial and burdensome. They were overwhelmingly voted beneficial, though adults reported having fewer opposite-sex friends than the younger group.

What's most interesting about the pros and cons list is that "attraction" almost always fell on the "burden" side of the cost-benefit analysis. Men were less likely to call attraction a burden than women, but both men and women were unlikely to see it as a positive aspect of an opposite-sex friendship.

So does that mean men and women can't be friends after all? Of course not. But it may be wise to be clear and upfront about exactly what your intentions for a new relationship are. If you want to be romantically involved, set the foundation for that right away. Don't build a close, platonic friendship first in hopes that it will one day turn into something more.

Creating a dating profile isn't an easy task. Once you've captured someone's attention with your photos and headline, you might lose them in what you choose to say in your profile.

It's better overall to avoid negative phrases - what you don't want - and instead focus on what you DO want. Shifting your focus can help change your attitude and outlook, especially if you're not feeling very inspired because your dating life isn't going so well. Even if you've been hurt or betrayed, there's no reason to take it out on the people who are browsing your profile. You've never met, so don't make assumptions based on your experiences. There are all kinds of people in the world - and you want to attract the best type of person for you.

Following are some of the biggest mistakes people make in their profiles, and how to fix them:

"I don't know why I'm online dating." This makes you sound like you're excluding yourself from the tens of thousands of people who are members of online dating sites - like you're too cool and have way too great of a social life for all that. That won't score you many dates. Instead of dismissing online dating (after all, you are doing it!) focus on the fact that you're excited to try it out for the first time.

"I'm not into liars or cheaters, so don't contact me if you are." Even if your last few boyfriends cheated on you or lied to you, this is the wrong way to attract the right guy. You will probably find that liars will gravitate to you even more if you put it out there. Avoid this subject by saying instead that you value honesty and mutual respect in a relationship.

Terrible grammar. I hate to say it, but you'll turn away a lot of candidates if you write in text-speak, or with grammatically incorrect phrasing or a lot of misspellings. Take the time to have a friend proofread your profile before posting it.

Talking about your ex. Nothing turns a person off more than someone who can't stop talking about their ex - whether it's positive and wistful or negative and abrasive. Leave that topic alone. Nobody wants to hear about your past love life - they are only interested in your future potential.

"Prove me wrong by..." If you describe the male gender as "all the same" or "players" or whatever else you had in mind, leave it off your online dating profile. Same with challenging potential dates to "prove you wrong" by being the exact person you want them to be. This is an impossible request - people are all different, and we all have our own issues to deal with. Also, think about if you came across someone else posting that - would you want to date him, someone who hates an entire gender? Probably not.

Do you ever feel like a yo-yo, bouncing back and forth between dating a lot and wanting to hide away in your home and never check your online matches again? Dating isn't easy, and requires a lot of effort sometimes to meet new people.

It's great that you are motivated sometimes to join several online dating sites, book multiple dates in a week, and generally put yourself out there as much as possible. But not all of these dates are going to be fantastic - in fact, let's be honest, many won't rock your world, but might lie somewhere between bad and boring. This can be really discouraging, but the answer isn't taking a break from checking the sites and holing up in your house, promising yourself that you'll never do it again. This is a self-defeating frame of mind.

Instead of the emotionally draining and time-consuming back and forth of this type of thinking, try looking for a balance in your dating life. After all, you wouldn't work 100-hour weeks for two months and then call your boss and say you're taking a month off because you can't work anymore. No company would tolerate that kind of erratic behavior. Steady and consistent is a better idea. Same with romance - persistence is key, so keeping your batteries charged and your time more balanced is essential.

Following are some tips to avoid dating burnout:

Make a plan and know your limits. When you're feeling motivated, instead of booking up your calendar with first dates, plan for how you want to spend each week. That is, if you have a demanding job, then you know it's easier for you to meet people for coffee on Saturday or Sunday. Don't try to cram several dates into the weeknights because you'll just create more stress, which isn't a great vibe for dating. Also, be sure to include time each week for yourself to recharge. Life isn't all about one thing - whether it's work, dating, friends, or family obligations. Create some boundaries.

Know what you want. Don't waste time agreeing to date people who don't interest you in the least. I'm all about keeping an open mind, but you have to have some sense of the type of relationship you want in order to connect with anyone romantically - see how you click over email and phone before you agree to a date.

Take your time and find the right site. Instead of joining four different sites at the same time, try out one at a time and see what works best for you. Most sites offer free trial periods so you can utilize them without paying upfront.

Keep it manageable. Don't spend entire lunch hours or evenings searching through matches. Designate a specific amount of time each week to searching, emailing, and chatting with potential dates. My one requirement - online dating moves fast, so be consistent. Even if it's only for 10 minutes, try logging in at least once every couple of days.

Take it easy. Don't overbook yourself. There's no need to fill your calendar with first dates to make yourself feel like you're accomplishing something. Take your time, space them out, and enjoy yourself instead of making dating seem like job interviewing.

Sometimes you’ll hear (even from me!) conflicting messages about searching for common interests. On the one hand, a custom search in an online dating site is an incredibly valuable tool, and even one of the main draws to online dating. On the other hand, you want to think outside your own box, you want to broaden your search, you don’t want to get hung up on whether you both love the same TV shows. So which is it?

In a word, both! Custom searches can be valuable in a few different ways. The scenario you probably think of first is something like this: you think you’re the only person in your city who loves to watch international soccer. You sit down at your computer and do a search for international soccer, or maybe your favorite team. Bingo! Six potential matches in your area also love the sport! Who knew? Even if you don’t wind up having chemistry, you may have just found someone with whom to throw a World Cup party.

The thing is, that doesn’t always happen. Maybe you type in your favorite team and there are no matches. You still want to try to find the same “type” of person, though. Here’s where custom searches can still be valuable, but you need to think outside the box a bit. For example, maybe your specific favorite team is just too obscure; try searching for other teams (a little friendly rivalry never hurt anyone). Maybe international soccer isn’t getting any hits, so what about teams within your own country? Or maybe just someone who is a fan of all sports in general.

It might not be an exact match in interests, but you’re still finding people who are passionate about similar things in the same sphere. Even if they don’t share your specific passion, they still might understand and respect yours.

That’s why it’s important not to get hung up about whether they happen to like your favorite TV show. You don’t need to share every single opinion, but it is imperative that you respect the interests of one another. And of course, being able to share other things is important too - which is why finding the “type” of person who shares your interests can be more important than finding one who matches up exactly.

Thus, as you begin your searches, don’t seek to find a clone of yourself. Think about the sort of person you’d be attracted to, what you’d like to share, and what related interests they might have. Experiment with topics broad and specific, and don’t be afraid to play around with it; you never know who you might discover!

It’s that time of year again: back-to-school time. Now, many of our first friendships, and even romantic relationships, were forged during our years at school; and many adults will tell you it’s never been as easy to find a friend or romantic prospect as it was back then. True, as an adult you’re probably not in an environment comprised of single peers; still, that doesn’t mean we can’t apply some of those lessons even today.

First, think back to how you and your friends “found” each other. It may have been in class, but it might have been a less likely place: a chance encounter in a hallway, a conversation at the end of lunch. Though you may have had some “at first sight” friends, more friendships were probably developed slowly, as you saw each other in class or in the halls every day.

Some experts say it’s these random, unplanned encounters that increase the likelihood of forming new friendships. So, how can you apply this to love? Examine your own routine. Do you regularly make yourself “available” to others, or do you only leave your home for necessary errands? Do you have hobbies that allow you to meet new people? Is your favorite bar or coffee shop only frequented by people dramatically out of your demographic? Developing a new routine - or at least trying one out - might allow your chances at chance meetings to increase. It’s a lot easier to strike up a conversation with someone when you clearly eat at the same place every day.

Something else we learned in school: even in what feels like a small environment, chances are slim that you’ve literally met everyone. Maybe you thought you knew everyone at school, until you went to your high school graduation and realized there were dozens, if not hundreds, of people you’d never noticed (if you knew everyone at your high school graduation, you either attended a much smaller school than I did or you were much more popular). In my own experience, it was entirely possible to meet “someone new” with similar interests in a school you’d both attended for years, without having ever seen each other in the past, simply because you didn’t share the same lunch period or classes.

Similarly, try not to grow disheartened when you feel you’ve met “everyone there is to meet” in your area. Yes, it’s possible there’s only ten people using your preferred dating site - so maybe it’s time to switch to another one, broaden your search parameters, or try going out in person, because statistically, you haven’t met every compatible single out there, I promise. Remember: it was possible to not meet in high school just because you didn’t have the same schedule. Now view your “high school” as a town of tens of thousands. Daunting? Yes, but better to be challenged than to feel you’ve explored all your options.

You may not be in school anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’re not constantly learning and growing. Some things have changed; we might use the internet to communicate now, for example, and you might be looking for love instead of someone with whom to trade cards. Still, the core lessons you’ve learned about friendship - honesty, being yourself, being a good friend, making the first move - are never too elementary to heed when searching for a match.

When we think about online dating, we think about other people.

What kind of dating site will have the most compatible singles for me?

What kind of pictures are going to attract dates?

How do I write a profile that's going to look interesting to other people?

That's all well and good - the aim of online dating is to find a date, after all! - but dating sites can also be a good way to discover yourself. Your profile is an opportunity for other singles to learn more about you, and it's also an opportunity for you to learn more about the person behind the profile.

Start with this question: How do I feel? As you approach the prospect of joining an online dating site and filling out your profile, what is your mindset? Are you excited? Are you dreading it? Are you confident? Are you shy, awkward, or insecure? Do you feel positive or negative about the online dating experience? If you don't approach online dating with the mindset that it will be a rewarding venture, you're unlikely to have success. If you're experiencing doubts, address them before splashing out on an expensive subscription.

If it's all-systems-go, you're ready to start filling out your profile. Ask yourself this question: What defines me? What are you passionate about? What are you most proud of? What are your goals? What are you struggling with? What are you successful at? What is your life philosophy? What do you believe in? What is meaningful to you? Your profile is just a small snapshot of who you are, so you have to choose only the most significant details to share. It's the perfect chance to reflect on what is most important to you in your life.

Then turn the question around: What defines you? What am I looking for? One of the biggest problems daters face is time wasted by dating the wrong people. Taking the time to describe who you're looking for in your dating profile forces you to think seriously about what and who you really want. What exactly do you need from a relationship? What do you want? What are you willing to compromise on? What are your dealbreakers? The more accurate and honest you can be in your profile, the more likely you are to attract someone you're actually compatible with.

Filling out your profile is the perfect opportunity to reassess yourself, your love life, and your dating goals to make sure you're on the right track before embarking on a new online dating adventure.