Relationships

Perhaps you’re at a stage wherein you’ve worked diligently on your online dating profile, deemed it done, and put it up for all the world to see. But now... well, you’re having trouble just leaving it there. Maybe this word should be changed, this phrase tweaked. While you don’t want to drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that isn’t broken, you can use this impulse to your advantage.

Instead of thinking about “improving” your profile, think about “updating” it. Keeping a profile updated is something everyone should keep in mind; even if you’re checking your profile every day, if it has a reference to wanting to see a movie that came out last year, people are going to wonder if you’re even around anymore.

And while some might balk at making sure they’re not “so last season,” there are in fact brand-new profiles with content from five years ago - or even older. This tends to happen when someone has been off the market for some time. Now they’re single, so they dust off the old profile and copy and paste it into a new account - without giving it so much as a once-over. After all, it’s worked before. Never mind the fact that there’s a joke in there about “partying like it’s 1999.”

A good, obvious way to keep a profile up-to-date is to reference a season or holiday. With a season, you only have to really make sure it’s updated a few times a year. With a specific holiday, you have to be a little bit more on your toes; it’s understandable if you don’t get around to changing it the very day after the holiday, but get more than a week past and it starts to look stale.

Similarly, something that requires a little less constant editing is the concept of adding new content. For example, put up that picture of you in your Halloween costume the very next day; they’ll know you’re actively searching for someone, and you don’t have to take down the photo later (unless you feel you have too many photos up or they’ve become too outdated).

Another way is to mention an event you’re looking forward to or have just attended - the release of a movie, a book, a concert. Not only does this show you’ve updated your profile recently, it can underscore the fact that you’re local and that you have similar interests as your readers. For example, maybe you mention a festival at a city park that was also attended by your potential match. Suddenly, they feel like there’s a pre-existing connection.

So if you’re feeling the need to pick at your profile, try not to play with the structure or content too much; if you put a fair amount of work into it, you’re probably only over-thinking now. But take a few minutes to make sure it’s updated instead; it’ll satisfy that urge to “do something,” and keep your profile fresh at the same time.

Creating a great online dating profile isn't as easy as it looks. Many people write profile descriptions and post pictures with good intentions, perhaps not thinking about how they come across to a total stranger.

While a few phrases might seem harmless and welcoming to you, they might actually come across as clichéd or generic. Sure, your friends get you and could vouch for how wonderful you are, but you have to sell yourself to strangers in your profile, so it's important to take the extra time to make yours stand out.

Here's how to avoid falling into the cliché trap:

Choose good pictures. Please don't take a picture of yourself shirtless, or in front of the bathroom mirror, or next to your really expensive car. While you might think it's a turn-on, you'll turn more people off. Instead, use pictures that represent who you are - active shots of you skiing, or playing guitar, or cooking. It's also important to be truthful in the visual, so use both a good head and body shot (taken within the last few months).Get a friend to help instead of taking them yourself.

Be specific. Who doesn't like long walks on the beach? Or weekend getaways? And everyone can be comfortable either A.) staying in and watching movies in sweats or B.) dressing up and going out to a nice dinner. Enough with the clichés! Instead, pick a specific scenario and describe it - what was the most romantic date you've been on, or can imagine? What exactly would you do? Or what is a memorable travel experience you can share? The more specific and the more it actually does interest you, the better.

Use your humor. Don't just say you're funny or that you like someone with a sense of humor, show how you're funny. You don't have to cover your profile with jokes or come off as totally sarcastic, but one or two comments that show off your humor are great attractors.

Don't go on and on. If you talk too much about yourself or what you want, people will stop reading. Who wants to try to live up to someone's ideal, or read that much information? That's way too much pressure. Also, there's no room for mystery and getting to know each other's likes and dislikes over the course of a relationship. Keep it brief - have a friend edit if necessary.

Avoid clichéd phrases like "I work hard and play hard." What does this even mean anymore? Instead of relying on standard lines, use your own words and descriptions - no more platitudes. You will come across so much more interesting and attractive if you avoid generics and describe what you want more creatively.

Dating can be pretty stressful. Sometimes nerves overtake us when we're meeting new people, and we try to put on a show to impress. My friend used to refer to this as "projection dating" - you both throw the best version of yourselves up on the screen (for the other person to gaze at admiringly), and then try to find a connection. The thing is, it doesn't usually work like that.

Connections are built on something more fundamental - that is, people are attracted to what makes you - you. It's hard to see that when dating, because we're all trying to be the best possible girlfriend/boyfriend prospects we can be.

But take your sales hat off for a minute and try to take a step back. You'll impress more when you come across as genuine, interested in your date, and sincere.

What to avoid on the next date:

Rattling off stats about yourself. Yawn. Nobody wants to hear a resume of your accomplishments, desires, etc. Try to engage instead of talk. Conversation is about two people connecting.

Trying too hard. If you're looking to impress with your job successes, houses, boats, cars, etc., you won't get very far. Sure, many women like successful men, but there's a difference between successful and being conceited, which is a real turn-off.

Being sarcastic. It's fine to be funny or ironic, but if you are trying to protect yourself from vulnerability through sarcasm it will backfire. Make sure your words and actions are respectful.

Looking nervous. Of course you might feel nervous, but try not to think about how the other person is judging you. Remember, you are both on the date - you are both assessing whether the person across from you is right. So loosen up, relax, and try to have a little fun.

What to do on the next date:

Ask her questions. You read her profile, right? That's a great starting point. Take one of her interests and start asking about it, maybe even suggesting the two of you do that on your next date.

Engage. This might seem intuitive, but don't look around at all the other women in the room, pay attention to your date. You'd be surprised how many men know better but do this anyway.

Compliment her, but don't overdo it. If you tell her she's beautiful all night she's going to resent it. Pick something specific to compliment, like how great her story-telling ability is or how gorgeous her eyes look with her dress. Women like compliments, but not if they feel forced or stale.

When we dress up for a first date, we probably look a little more “fancy” than we do on a normal day. This makes sense; after all, we want to make a good first impression, and it’s generally expected that this will be the case. But what about when we write our profiles? That, too, is a first impression, but at the same time we’re trying to let someone get to know us, get to decide if we’d be compatible. Should we “fancy” ourselves up then?

Perhaps on some level, everyone wants to come across as smart and sophisticated. When it comes to profiles, however, some indicators of intelligence and sophistication are so common that it’s become almost a cliche. Recently I asked someone what their interests were. I heard about their vacation destinations, but not about what they like to do on a typical weekend. Similarly, when asked to list cuisine they liked, they only mentioned the most upscale restaurants. This wouldn’t be a problem if it accurately reflected who they were most of the time - but it was really only who they were once or twice a year.

People have many sides. Sure, we might want everyone to know about our “sophisticated” side - the one that appreciates good wine and museums. But we’re doing our potential matches a disservice by masking our other sides - our love for a good tailgate party, or the fact that we’ve won the office costume party for three consecutive Halloweens.

And let’s face it - for most of us, it’s our less sophisticated side that we show most of the year. It’s nice to impress, but how does that bring us closer to finding someone we can be with for longer than an evening? Do you want your points of connection to be something you listed only because you thought you should?

As you write your profile, make sure you’re painting a picture that is flattering, but also mostly accurate. It’s one thing to take a picture in your best light, with makeup - it’s another to digitally edit your face into someone else entirely. So too is it with a self-summary. Would you rather someone be impressed by what you like, or be impressed because of who you are?

It is a long-held dating tip that certain subjects should be verboten on a first date. One of the first and most often cited is, of course, politics. If you’re in the United States right now, political rhetoric is pretty much everywhere you turn - so should you try all the harder to stay mum on that first date?

The key to this answer is knowledge - knowledge about who you are, and who your date probably is. In general, I don’t think one should necessarily keep quiet about politics on a first date; if politics is really important to you, there’s no reason to keep it quiet. If you’re someone who feels passionately about one cause or another and this is just your personality, chances are it’s apparent on your profile, anyway - and if you’ve agreed to a first date, chances are even stronger that you already know your date agrees.

In these cases, there’s no reason you shouldn’t talk about what matters to you. When you’re passionate about something, your date gets a good look at the real you - which, of course, is the point of going on a date in the first place. If this is a passion you share, it can be a good subject to bond over. Bear in mind, politics isn’t really the most romantic of subjects, but it can at least be a good way to get the words flowing before switching to something else.

What if you’re not passionate about politics, though? What if you’re incredibly moderate, or apathetic? Well, you might want to think carefully before you willingly open that can of worms. It’s entirely possible that someone with strong views can get along with someone who has no views at all, but during an election season, the apathetic voter can be most infuriating of all. Alternatively, your date might see you as someone ripe for conversion - so if none of these possibilities sounds appealing to you, don’t be afraid to pull the “I never talk about politics on a first date” card. And if things go south from there, well, perhaps the personalities are too dissimilar in the first place.

What about dates that are on the opposite end of the political spectrum, and you both know this in advance? It can be a good idea to set up boundaries before you even head out on this date. There’s nothing wrong with being adult and saying, “I know this is a potential minefield, and I’d like to get to know you beyond your political affiliation, so let’s just avoid these subjects for now.” Will they have to be addressed eventually? Yes, if the relationship moves forward - but perhaps by then you’ll have a foundation built that will weather the storm.

As you make your dating plans, it’s not a bad idea to consider whether current world events will bring certain differences to light. How you choose to handle such differences (or even similarities) is up to you; having a decisive game plan, however, is key. Talking about politics might be completely doable, but being blindsided by politics can be an easy way to get off on the wrong foot.

I know a man named “Sam.” Sam is in his fifties, and he’s probably been described as “popular” his entire life. He’s gregarious, he’s full of life, and everyone is always smiling around him. And what a sense of humor! He’s always cracking jokes, and they’re usually actually funny. He’s never had trouble making friends, and until recently he’s never had trouble meeting women. However, if you met him through the Internet, you might never know any of this.

You see, Sam grew up without having to express himself through the written word very often. When it comes to putting his thoughts down on paper (or an online profile, as it were), he comes across as much more stilted. And then there’s the technical aspect - he’s quite slow in actually typing, and sometimes capitalization and punctuation fall by the wayside. Despite his limitations he wants to include online dating in his life, because he just doesn’t meet many single people his age in his day-to-day life.

The good news is, Sam is well aware of those limitations, and takes them all in stride with his trademark sense of humor. He wants to make a good first impression with his profile, so he not only spends time on it, he enlists the editing skills of his family and friends. Every email is thoughtfully composed, and he’s not afraid to suggest a phone call or video chat over a conversation in an instant messenger. He’s honest with himself, and not afraid to take steps to compensate for his weak areas.

This is probably the best thing anyone can do for themselves, no matter where they’re strong or weak. Perhaps they’re shy and clam up in person - so they might make sure their profile reflects the sparkle that one usually only sees after to getting to know them. It’s easy to get frustrated when something doesn’t come easily, but it’s important to remember that everyone has their own limitations. And your success can sometimes depend on how honestly you see them or address them.

So as you step into the world of dating, consider your own weaknesses - and strengths! Knowing how to play up your strengths can be equally important. And as for your limitations, don’t take them personally; they’re just one facet of what makes up your unique personality. Don’t be afraid to ask for outside opinions or help; you know yourself best, but sometimes the challenge is just getting out of your own way. With honesty and help when you need it, others will hopefully get to know the real you.