Relationships

“I don’t know about getting back into online dating,” Jennifer, newly single, said. “I tried it once and it was a disaster. The one guy who seemed interesting and replied to me turned out to be a complete jerk in person.”

Curious, I asked her when this debacle occurred.

“Hmm, I guess it was awhile ago,” she said. “Maybe 2005? 2006? Huh, a little less recent than I thought.”

The world may not have been the Dark Ages a mere seven or eight years ago, but the truth is that the online dating world has changed since then - and for the better.

For one thing, the stigma surrounding the idea of online dating has receded. It’s not considered a “last resort”; in fact, it’s often the first place people turn when they’re looking to dip their toe back into the dating pool. Online dating sites have always been a great option for those with strange work schedules, diminished social networks or a little bit of shyness; they still are, but now they’re home to everyone else, too. With these greater numbers comes even more possibilities.

Everyone has heard a story about a date that revealed a deception or two: that the person didn’t look like their picture, or their intentions or personality were different from how they’d been online. To be sure, there are still those who are less than truthful online today, but the world is also a wiser place. There are no shortage of safety tips for meeting someone new for the first time, and most people are on the lookout for basic red flags. Many dates might still fudge a bit on their height or weight, but the majority don’t take it further than that - and if they did, they now have less of a chance of getting away with it.

There’s no guarantee that if Jennifer tries out online dating today, she’ll find success. However, she might find that the online dating scene looks far more promising than it did all those years ago. If, like Jennifer, you’re contemplating getting back into the online dating scene, ask yourself: are your expectations out-of-date?

Meeting someone is only half the battle.

The story doesn't end when you find the magic profile that catches your eye. And let's be honest, the next part is just as confusing - if not more confusing - than the first part. A whole new set of questions arises the moment you decide to get more serious.

Should you have sex before marriage? Will your friends and family like your partner? Do their opinions even matter? And what makes a relationship last?

The State Of Dating In America report from ChristianMingle and JDate has the answers.

When asked "Would you have sex before marriage?"...

• More than half of all singles say they would have sex before marriage without conditions.
• Men are more likely to say they're comfortable with it.
• Only 15% of singles say they would not have sex at all before marriage.
• Younger singles are more likely to feel they need to be in love in order to have sex before marriage.
• Singles in the 35- to 44-year-old range are least likely to feel that commitment is a prerequisite to sex.

The responses to "How much influence do the following individuals have on whom you date?" reveal that...

• "Friends" and "Mother" are the most popular dating consultants for singles.
• "Father" and "Siblings" are the next most popular.
• "Pets" have a greater influence than "Other family!"
• Men tend to turn to their mothers first, then their friends. Women tend to turn to their friends first, then their mothers.
• Singles ages 18-34 are far more likely to let immediate family and friends influence who they date.

And when it comes to marriage...

• Mothers have the greatest influence on who 18- to 24-year-olds will marry, followed by fathers and friends.
• Overall, singles ages 45-59 are least likely to let outside forces influence who they will marry.

Believe it or not, there are no significant differences between men and women when it comes to the most important factors in a lasting commitment. Both agree that the keys to a successful relationship are:

• Partner's family treats me well (92%)
• Similar views on pets (89%)
• Likes same activities (85%)
• Similar political views (84%)
• Similar views on smoking (84%)
• Similar social habits (82%)
• Same race/ethnicity (79%)
• Same level of cleanliness (78%)
• Same level of physical activity (74%)
• Good sexual chemistry (72%)

Would anyone have guessed that pets have a greater influence over long-term relationships than good sex?!

Have you joined an online dating site but given it up because you're just too busy and haven't met anyone worthwhile? If so, it's a good idea to ask yourself a few questions - like how many matches did you reach out to via email, or how many coffee dates did you set up each week? Or more importantly, how much time did you spend putting together your profile or taking good pictures to post? If the answer is not enough, then you're not putting your online dating site to the best use. It's merely a tool to help you - but you still have to do the work to be successful.

Like a relationship, joining an online dating site is a commitment. You can't expect to get good results if you go for days or weeks without checking your matches or responding to emails. Likewise, an incomplete profile isn't going to attract people to you. I should also add - if your life is hectic and you find you have no time in the evenings to pursue your love life, then how can you expect to cultivate one? But putting that aside for a moment, let's take a look at how you could make better use of the time you do have for online dating.

Check the site during short work breaks. If you feel tied to your work desk all day, even during lunch, then give yourself permission to take a ten-minute break three times a day to check your matches, return emails, and set up coffee dates. While it's not as thorough as spending thirty minutes or an hour scrolling through profiles, at least it's a good way to stay on top of communication and lets others know that you are active on the site.

Post new pictures often. Maybe you don't have time to rewrite your profile every few weeks or to write a good email, but you do have time to post a new picture of yourself on your profile page. Sometimes small changes like that put your profile at the top of the list, giving you more exposure to potential matches.

Keep the first date short. Some people like to meet for coffee for a first date, instead of a long evening of drinks or dinner. If you meet during your lunch hour or during the day on the weekend, you can schedule it between meetings or errands, maximizing your free time. Schedule more dates to meet, but make them shorter so you can meet more of your matches, even when your schedule is busy.

We're all busy, but some have more going on in their lives than others. I recommend keeping more of a balance between your career and personal life, and making more time for meeting potential dates. If you show yourself and your dates that your personal life is important, then you'll have an easier time finding a great relationship.

After a way too long dry stint of no dates and even less prospects it can be all too thrilling to finally score a first date with someone. It doesn't matter if it's with a work crush, blind date, or someone you met through an online dating service, you're exciting that this date could be the first of many. Not to be a wet blanket, but this sense of elation and nerves can often push aside some basic safety precautions that you should take before going on a first date with anyone you don't know well.

Perform a Background Check This might sound like overkill to a lot of you, but a simple background check can pull up a lot of red flags that may have you rethinking a date with someone. Background checks can show you information like marriage licenses (How many exes are too many? What if they're currently married?), not to mention any legal altercations. While every girl likes a bad boy, everybody has a line. Is cancelling a date based off of what you find on a background check fair? Maybe, maybe not. But at the least it will give you things to watch out for and will let you know if they're being honest with you.

Go to a Public Place Never, ever, ever-ever-ever-ever-ever meet for a first date with someone at their private residence or somewhere that's very removed. Meet at a neutral location where plenty of people are sure to be like a restaurant, bar, coffee house, sporting event, or something else along those lines. Along the same lines, don't get in a private vehicle with your date either - even if it's yours.

Let Someone Know Whenever I go on an extended walk or hike I am sure to let someone know where I'm going and what time I'm expecting to be back, and first dates aren't much different. This is doubly true if you've never met your date in person. Let a friend know what you're doing, where you're going, and when you expect to be back. Check in with them afterwards to let them know how the date went and that you're okay.

Have an Out First dates are always iffy and you don't want to be stuck there all night if it turns out to be a big disappointment, for either of you. That being said, it's best to schedule something that won't take too long. But even with short dates, be prepared to excuse yourself from the date. While you don't need an excuse (if you're uncomfortable, just leave!), it can be less awkward for both of you if you have a believable out. I don't mean fake a call from the hospital about your aunt you just got in a car accident.

First dates are fun and exciting, but they can potentially be dangerous if you're meeting up with someone you've only ever interacted with online, or not at all. Take some basic precautions before the date to insure your safety. That way you can relax for real when everything goes smoothly.

Kristen Bright is a blogger living in San Diego who tries to promote safe online interactions by using background checks on people before moving forward.

Online dating is an easy way to get excited about dating again: just look at all the prospects! All the possibilities! Anything can happen! On the other hand, we’re told not to get too attached: many first-contact emails never get a response, or receive a negative one. Be read to fall in love! But not so much that you get your heart broken unnecessarily. It can be a tough balance to strike, so what are some guidelines?

You don’t really need a thick rulebook to navigate these waters. Instead ask yourself one simple question: online or in-person? If the answer is online, maintain your emotional distance. If you’re in-person, it might be time to open yourself up to the possibilities.

For example: you come across a profile that really piques your interest. This person seems clever, compassionate, interesting - and they’re attractive, too! Sure, you’ve emailed other people, but you’re really waiting to hear back from this person, because you really think you might have something!

Wait, take a breath, and ask yourself: online or in-person? So far, your only opinion is based on something you’ve read online. You don’t even know if they’re the one who wrote it, or if you’ll actually click in person. Don’t get emotionally invested just yet.

In another instance, you began a first date a little apprehensive and shy, but soon you were chatting like you’d known each other for years. Your date seemed to be having just as much fun as you were. There did seem to be a little spark of chemistry. But wait - are you falling too fast? Should you make yourself focus on more profiles until you see how this plays out?

Ask the question: online or in-person? You’ve now determined that you have some sort of connection in person, and a first date has gone well, from your perspective. So first, find out if your date is on the same page. If they are, and want to get together again, now isn’t really the time to hedge your bets or divide your mental attention. At this point, let your heart lead.

It may seem overly simple, but when it comes to online dating, many emotional pickles can be navigated by asking yourself that one question. Remember, the online site is just to allow you to set up a meeting; it’s not generally where you fall in love. But once you’ve forged a connection in person, there’s no reason to think about percentages and numbers; regardless what the eventual conclusion may be, it’s time to get out of your own head and enjoy the whirlwind of a new romance.

There's a lot of debate about who pays for what when it comes to dating. Early on in a relationship, no ground rules have been set, so whether or not you offer to pay, split the bill, or sit back in your chair and wait for your date to grab the bill, is up to you. Unfortunately, many people have expectations when it comes to dating and who foots the bill. So it's important to understand you could be hurting your chances by trying to save some money.

The economy is still slow, so many daters understand that most people can't afford expensive dinners out or to be treated all the time. There has to be reciprocity when it comes to dating, especially in the beginning when you're seeing what each other is all about.

That said, if you try to save a few bucks by using coupons or by itemizing everything you and your date consumed instead of just splitting the bill in half or making more affordable choices about where to dine, you're going to look cheap.

Following are some general rules for when and how to pick up the tab:

Whoever asks, pays. There aren't really traditional male and female roles anymore when it comes to dating. While some people are old school and expect a man to open up doors and pay for everything, this is no longer the norm. Instead, the new rule of thumb is - if you ask him out, you pay for the date, whether you're male or female. Don't expect princess treatment, ladies. We are equals in the dating world, but that doesn't mean things aren't romantic anymore. Romance is in the gestures and the planning, not in the tab.

Know your budget. While it might be nice to try to impress someone by taking him or her to the hottest club or the most expensive trendy restaurant, if it's going to set you back a couple of paychecks, is it worth it? No - because you don't want your date to get the wrong impression of you. Instead of trying to impress with cash, try using a little creativity. A small gesture such as planning a thoughtful night having a picnic under the stars can be a lot more romantic.

Tip please! Just because you picked up the dinner tab doesn't mean you should skimp on all the people who served you. Please tip the waiter at least fifteen percent, as well as the valet if you used one. Be fair - it makes a big impression on your date if you refuse to pay for the little things.

Reciprocity is sexy. It's great when your date pays for everything, but it's also nice for you to offer to pick up the tab or plan something special every so often. Dating isn't one-sided. When you're both putting effort into it, then you're building something special.