Relationships

It’s not uncommon for an online dating profile to require some editing before it’s posted. Even the best writers make simple mistakes in spelling or grammar. Additionally, we’re not really used to writing about ourselves; worrying about bragging or not bragging enough can certainly throw off our “flow.” But what if our profile is trying to tell us something?

For example, it’s easy to slip in a touch of negativity here and there - a throwaway line like “I don’t want any drama or any cheaters” or “Who doesn’t loathe their job? Ha ha” might be telling the world a bit more about us than we think, but it’s something we all do and don’t really think about. A stray sentence here or there is easily fixed, and if it’s not caught, it’s not the end of the world.

However, what if you can’t get through the “What I’m looking for in a date” section of the profile without breaking down crying at least once? What if it always turns into a laundry list of the qualities you’ll never, ever find attractive again? What if the entire profile has to be rewritten because it’s all negative? Well, perhaps you need just a little more time before you’re ready to really get out there again.

And that’s okay! Because who wants to pass up someone great just because you’re not at the right place in your life to really see them for who they are? Who wants to wonder about that profile you clicked past because one of the movies listed was a favorite of your ex’s? Who wants to cringe when they think of that date they went on the day after their dog died - the one they can hardly remember because they were in a grief-stricken fog?

We all need to take the plunge back into the dating pool when we’re ready - even if it feels a little awkward - but only you can know if you’re really ready. And if you’re not quite sure, sometimes your own writing can give you a hint.

Spring is the time for rebirth. Ice melts, flowers bloom, and we can feel a change in the air. It's the perfect time to start going through those closets and tossing out the things you no longer need. Spring helps us get rid of the heavy loads were carrying around the past year, making us lighter.

This spring, I'm asking all of you online daters to clean up your profiles like you've cleaned out those closets. There's no better feeling than giving your dating life a little recharge, especially if you're looking for a relationship. A lighter mental load and positive energy is always attractive.

I've put together some steps for you to take to make the process easy on yourself. So set aside a little time and see if you don't notice a change in your responses and matches:

Gather a friend or two. There's nothing like asking for a little help when you have to write something about yourself. Your friends know you best - they will help you shine and will help you to be more honest. Ask them to describe you, and see if it matches what you'd say about yourself. If it's a positive you didn't know you had, then add it to your profile!

Replace those pictures. There's nothing quicker and easier to upgrading an online profile than just adding new pictures. If matches see the same ones week after week, they will pass you over for the "newer" candidates. Swapping out pictures helps keep you fresh on the radar.

Ditch those lists. Does your profile read like your perfect-partner-must-have list? Delete it, and start again. Nobody wants to read a long list of what you want when they don't even know you. Think about how much you would actually share on a first date, and use it as your guideline. You don't want people to get the wrong idea (high maintenance) before they've even met you.

Bring out YOU. Most matches don't care if you like going out to restaurants or watching action movies. Yawn. Instead of listing your activities or interests on your profile like it's a resume, try painting a picture for them instead. Example: I love waking up Saturday mornings and walking to Groundworks for a steaming cup of espresso. I take my yellow lab along with me so we can stop and play catch at the dog park for a bit before grabbing fish tacos at Papa Juan's, my favorite food truck. Then I grab my bike and hit the trails - a perfect Saturday. Even better example, your perfect date: We'd go kayaking on Saturday afternoon around the Marina and watch the seals, then stop for a bite to eat looking out at the water at Tony P's. Then we'd go for a walk along the harbor under the moonlight, and see what comes next.

Imagine you’re finally ready to come back to the dating scene. You wake up one morning and decide, “This is it.” You take extra care with your clothing and hair, you decide to focus on looking friendly and approachable, and you step out into the world, waiting for the interested to strike up conversations.

...But nothing happens. In fact, not only does no one approach you, you don’t really even see anyone you’re particularly interested in yourself. Nothing happens the next day, either. But two weeks later, you strike up a conversation with an attractive person you see in a bookstore. You don’t have a date yet, but you were invited to a book club being hosted the next day. It’s looking promising.

Online dating tries to take most of that waiting around out of the equation; while you may not see anyone single and attractive on your walk to work each morning, you can pull up reams of them with a click of a button. Instead of silently checking them out, you can email them whenever you work up the nerve. And you’re more likely to jump right into talking about dating than getting invitations to ambiguous group events.

And yet, there’s still an element of waiting around in online dating, one felt all the more keenly because, unlike your walk to work, when you check in with your online dating site you have only one thing on your mind. After spending all that time writing and proofreading your profile, you want that immediate gratification the minute it goes up. You want to send out those first-contact emails and get responses immediately.

But just like any other method of dating, sometimes people are busy, or maybe there’s just not anyone looking at your profile with whom you’d really share a connection. Online dating is more efficient, to be sure, but it still involves a search. And like anything that deals with real, other people and not merely machines, it can be confusing, frustrating and not on schedule.

So if you’re feeling impatient and frustrated, know that it’s normal. Know that nearly everyone else is probably feeling the same way. And know that it’s as much a part of the process of finding love as first-date nerves. So think of that walk to work, and focus on admiring the flowers in the meantime.

In the dating world, there’s understandably a lot of focus put on compatibility and “matching up.” As such, it can be confusing when you and your date or partner disagree. How much of a difference of opinion is too much? What about actual arguments? Where do you draw the line between compatible and not?

If it’s very early in a relationship - like, say, first date early - it might be easier to draw up a kind of pros and cons list, to figure out what’s working and what isn’t. For example, do you have physical chemistry? If so, that’s a plus. However, if that’s all you have - you’re not interested in your date intellectually, emotionally, and maybe you’re downright annoyed or put off by them and how they hand your difference of opinion - it might be worth analyzing what sort of relationship you’re looking for and assessing if they fit the bill.

On the other hand, if you seem to get along great but you’re both willing to go to the mats over the merits of a specific TV show - well, there’s always a chance you could agree to disagree over that one subject and still have a great relationship. Don’t be put off if your ‘incompatibility’ is limited to interests and not major life views. Only you know what a ‘dealbreaker’ constitutes for you, but don’t be afraid of some minor differences - you’re not the same person, after all.

Now let’s say you’ve been in a relationship for awhile. The TV show issue turns out to be indicative of a recurring theme - when you disagree you both hang on like pit bulls, refusing to let go. Once again, you’re worried - is there too much arguing in this relationship?

Remember that two separate, unique people have to learn to communicate, and it’s a learning process. The big question here is: are you both willing to learn to handle your disagreements differently? If neither one of you wants to compromise, or even if only one does, you might be setting yourself down a difficult path. On the other hand, if the good times are far more frequent than the arguments, and you’re both invested in making the relationship work, it’s possible all you need is dedication and commitment to improving the way you communicate, especially when you disagree.

Everyone wants to think that being in a good relationship means that everything goes right and no one ever fights. In fact, a relationship with two distinct personalities and opinions means there will likely be clashing from time to time. It’s how you approach these differences - and each other - that can affect the outcome of the relationship.

For the last three years, Match.com has compiled an annual review of singles' dating habits, sexual practices, and lifestyles. The 'Singles in America' study is the largest and most comprehensive of its kind, thanks to Match's massive user base. As the biggest online dating site in the world, Match has unprecedented access to info on the 1/3 of the U.S. population that is single.

The 2012 report debuts the inclusion of married individuals in the study, in order to gain a greater understanding of sex and love and to compare lifestyles and attitudes across a range of relationship statuses.

Highlights of the study include:

• Friends with benefits is increasingly becoming a standard stop on the way to a relationship. 47% of singles have had a friends with benefits arrangement in the past (40% of women and 53% of men), with a dramatic year-over-year increase. And not only are they happening more frequently, they're also turning into serious relationships more than ever before.
• But, although casual sex is on the rise, a greater number of American women are insisting on some kind of commitment before getting intimate with a new partner. Women are looking to wait until they're in an exclusive relationship before jumping into bed with someone (25% of single women in 2010, 31% in 2011, and 37% in 2012)
• The struggling economy has been big news almost everywhere, but Americans' dating lives have remained largely untouched by the financial crisis. Nearly 2/3 of singles say they have not changed their dating habits during the last three years.
• In news that will surprise very few of you, bars are out and the Web is in. Online dating sites are now the #1 place where singles meet, with almost 1/3 reporting that they dated someone they met online. 20% of singles say they met their most recent first date online, while only 7% say they met their newest date in a bar.

"As the leader in the online dating industry for almost two decades," said Mandy Ginsberg, CEO of Match.com, "gaining an even deeper knowledge of our audience - an incredibly influential segment of society - is invaluable to our business."

"Since its inception, Singles in America has proven to be an unprecedented source of insight into the ideologies and lifestyle choices of today's singles. Now in our third year with the study, we are identifying trends and compelling findings on everything from the prevalence of technology in the dating process to singles' sentiments about married life, as well as previously unstudied trend data."

Stay tuned for more on the study as new information is released. If you are interested in finding out more about this dating site which is extremely popular in the United States, you can take a look at our Match.com review.

“I don’t know about getting back into online dating,” Jennifer, newly single, said. “I tried it once and it was a disaster. The one guy who seemed interesting and replied to me turned out to be a complete jerk in person.”

Curious, I asked her when this debacle occurred.

“Hmm, I guess it was awhile ago,” she said. “Maybe 2005? 2006? Huh, a little less recent than I thought.”

The world may not have been the Dark Ages a mere seven or eight years ago, but the truth is that the online dating world has changed since then - and for the better.

For one thing, the stigma surrounding the idea of online dating has receded. It’s not considered a “last resort”; in fact, it’s often the first place people turn when they’re looking to dip their toe back into the dating pool. Online dating sites have always been a great option for those with strange work schedules, diminished social networks or a little bit of shyness; they still are, but now they’re home to everyone else, too. With these greater numbers comes even more possibilities.

Everyone has heard a story about a date that revealed a deception or two: that the person didn’t look like their picture, or their intentions or personality were different from how they’d been online. To be sure, there are still those who are less than truthful online today, but the world is also a wiser place. There are no shortage of safety tips for meeting someone new for the first time, and most people are on the lookout for basic red flags. Many dates might still fudge a bit on their height or weight, but the majority don’t take it further than that - and if they did, they now have less of a chance of getting away with it.

There’s no guarantee that if Jennifer tries out online dating today, she’ll find success. However, she might find that the online dating scene looks far more promising than it did all those years ago. If, like Jennifer, you’re contemplating getting back into the online dating scene, ask yourself: are your expectations out-of-date?