Relationships

The scenario:

You're single and on your way to a party, hoping to meet someone interesting and/or attractive to talk to. You notice when you first walk in that there aren't many people you recognize. You wished your friend hadn't bailed on you at the last minute, but now you're here and need to make the best of it. What do you do?

a. Stand by the bar and wait for someone to approach you/ talk to you

b. Go find someone you know (like the host) to help introduce you to new people

c. Go up to total strangers and introduce yourself

d. After a few glasses of wine, hit on the hottest guy in the room in the hopes he's single

e. Grab a quick drink and head out early. You made your appearance.

We're all different, and some of us are more introverted than others when it comes to social situations. It's far easier to stand in the corner by the bar and watch other people, or wait for them to approach you. After all, they seem to know each other and are involved in their own conversations. You don't feel comforable interrupting.

Unfortunately, being the shy type won't help you meet new people or make it easy for you to get a date or two. It's hard to put yourself out there. But if you prefer to sit back and wait, or leave the party early because you're too shy to introduce yourself or make small talk, you're sabotaging your own chances of meeting someone great. Who knows - you could meet the love of your life by putting yourself out there and going solo.

First, it's important to understand that going solo to a party puts you in the driver's seat. When you're by yourself, it's easier for people to approach you. Think about it: if you were huddled with friends - in your comfort zone - how many attractive single men (or women) would approach you to talk? Same thing if you leave too early - you could miss an opportunity to meet someone great who showed up later in the evening.

But if you take going solo one step further and introduce yourself around - you have increased your chances of meeting someone with date potential that much more. And if you have a hard time talking to strangers, enlist the help of someone you know who is also there - like a work colleague, a client, or an acquaintance.

My suggestion is: keep your options open and be courageous. You don't get anywhere without taking chances. Risk is required for the most rewarding things in life - including finding love.

Ever regretted the time when you didn't call a date back? Or when you broke up with someone over email? Or when you got a little too drunk when meeting one of your online matches for the first time?

These kinds of mistakes can make us cringe in retrospect. After all, you consider yourself a good catch, a decent person. So why would you behave badly towards someone else?

Dating can bring out the best and worst within us, even if we don't like to admit it. It's not easy to date and always do the right thing, especially when you have no history or shared connection with the person.

But dating requires all of us to rise to the occasion. Everyone has a story of a date gone wrong, especially online daters. You don't want to be the subject of someone's bad dating tale, and you don't want to endure more of your own bad dates, right?

So starting with a few simple steps, you can overcome those mistakes of your dating past and move onto happier dates in the future:

Don't disappear. Maybe you went out with a guy once or twice and decided he wasn't for you. Instead of pulling the disappearing act, try confronting the situation. It's understandable, preferable even, to let him know that you aren't interested. It will keep him from second-guessing himself and what he did, and keep you from feeling guilty and avoiding his emails and calls. When you stop avoiding the situation, you can both move on.

Own up to your mistakes. Let's say you were out on a first date and had a few too many cocktails because you got nervous. If you're embarrassed by how you were acting, or that you had to be sent home in a cab after throwing up in the restroom, don't beat yourself up. The best thing to do is to call the next day and apologize. If you want another chance, then ask for that, too. And for future dates, limit yourself to two glasses of wine, tops, or no drinks at all if it makes you feel more in control.

Recognize the situation for what it is. Let's say you slept with someone on the first date and regretted it soon after, because you were hoping to pursue a real relationship. Well, all is not lost, despite how you might feel. Many people hook up, but few are willing to deal with the emotional aftermath. The best course of action is to be honest with yourself (by owning your emotions instead of talking yourself out of them) and with your date. Call him and admit that you would like to keep seeing him. If he's right for you, then he'll want to move forward, too. And if he's not ready for anything close to serious, then you've avoided some heartbreak down the line.

Writing a first-contact email can be the most nerve-wracking part of online dating. For some people, it’s even more scary than the first date - so much so, that they don’t even do it! Instead, they sit back and hope that someone else will contact them first. Most of us, however, don’t have the patience and want to be active in our destinies; the first-contact evil is something we must conquer.

The main issue is one of tone. Is what I’ve written too casual? Too stilted and formal? Greeting someone like an old friend feels presumptuous; it’s a technique salesmen use and while it may throw us off-guard, we don’t tend to like it very much. On the other hand, an overly formal invitation to view the author’s profile feels like it should arrive sealed with a blot of wax. How do we strike the right balance?

The answer is to try reading your email aloud. Imagine that you’re approaching someone at a bookstore, or a cafe. Would you walk up to them with a “Yo” or a “Many pardons for the interruption, I beg the favor of your eyes and ears for the briefest of moments”? Nope, neither are likely winners. Instead, you’d probably aim for something simple and polite to grab their attention, and ask a question to get a conversation going.

That’s literally all that is needed in a first-contact email. No declarations of love or lust, no tricks or lines; keep it simple, polite, and friendly. Ask a question about something from their profile, so they know you haven’t copied and pasted the email to dozens of others. It’s as simple as that.

The only part that requires a little creativity is the subject line. Inboxes are full of “hey,” “hello” and “hi.” If you have a cheesy line inside you that’s aching to get out, this is probably the only place it could possible be appropriate. A quote, a comment about the profile, or even another question are all possibilities; you have to figure out what resonates with you. And if you’re stuck, try asking yourself what you’d like to see in your inbox.

A first-contact email doesn’t have to follow ancient rules of discourse - or at least, none in addition to what we use in person every single day. Read that email aloud to make sure it flows naturally. If you require more than three breaths to do so, it might already be too long. Keep everything short, sweet, simple and fun, and you might find that writing a first-contact email isn’t nearly as daunting as you thought.

Conveying who you are and what you want in an online dating profile can be a difficult process. You don't want to be too wordy or women won't read it. And you don't want to reveal too little or else there's nothing that can spark a good conversation. So where's a good middle ground? How do you begin?

The best thing you can do to have a successful online dating experience is to avoid a few clichés that really turn off women. This will help get you more responses than anything else, even if you aren't exactly Casanova.

Avoid the following turn-offs for women and you'll be off to a great start:

A photo with your car (or boat, or beach house). You get the picture. If you have to post pictures of yourself with your favorite and expensive toys or possessions, it's a way of bragging about yourself, and it doesn't come across well. Women don't care about your expensive car. It won't make them eager to respond to your email, trust me. They care about whether or not they feel attracted to you.

"If you want to know more, just email me." There's nothing worse than looking at a profile with only a few short sentences about what you're like. Say something that draws a woman in, otherwise there's nothing she has to strike up a conversation. And saying that she has to reach out to you just to get your basic profile information? This is enough to make her skip you and go to the next profile.

Photos with friends, or that cover you up. If you're posting photos of you in baseball caps and sunglasses, she's going to have a hard time figuring out what you look like. Ditto for group pictures - how does she know which one is you? Instead of being sly and trying to hide things you don't want her to see (like your big ears or your balding head), be upfront. Show off your good features, like a nice smile. It's better to be honest than have to explain you weren't the guy she thought she'd be meeting.

Shirtless anything. Sigh. If there's one thing that men keep doing on dating websites hoping that women will swoon, it's posting those shirtless photos. We get it - you work out, and you're proud of those pecs, or abs, or biceps. But seriously, save it for when you meet us in person. Otherwise it's just more bragging (to a lot of other women), which is so unattractive.

Sexy clichés. While we love getting emails that say "hey sexy" in the subject line, we know you've sent them out to another 300 women, so don't bother. Instead of trying to woo us with sexy clichés, try picking out something specific from our profiles to talk about, like a recent trip to Baja or a sailing expedition. A little creativity goes a long way.

Online dating may be efficient, convenient, and versatile - but no matter how you use it, it tends to favor the bold. That’s just the way it is; your profile may be fantastic, but you’ll have more success if you actually contact people to bring it to their attention. There’s a chance someone will come across you in their own custom search, but you’re increasing your chances when you do half the work yourself. For someone who’s naturally timid or know their people skills need work, it can be daunting.
But here’s the unexpected part: when you actively start to work on those weak areas - the shyness, the awkwardness - it has an effect across all areas of your life. All that small-talk practicing you’re doing to prepare for first dates means that suddenly you’re more comfortable striking up random conversations at the grocery store. Your focus on confidence and speaking up for yourself might pay off at work.

It’s not just the in-person preparation that can leak into “real life”; Caitlin, a friend, tells me that when she was in the process of writing her online profile, someone pointed out that her choice of words and phrases tended to be negative. “I didn’t think I actually felt so glum and down,” she says, “but after it was mentioned to me, I began to notice that I did it in person too! Even when I felt in a good mood, the words that were coming out of my mouth were very glass-half-empty. So I started making an effort to catch myself and rephrase if I could. I think my co-workers seem more friendly and comfortable around me now, and I even feel a little better myself!”

Online dating works best when we don’t think of it in a vacuum. Our everyday life affects the person we present on our online profiles, but the reverse can occur as well. Why proofread only our profiles? Why not be aware of the larger issues those “edits” can represent? With a little care, we can take our “editing notes” and enact positive changes in all aspects of our lives - including romance.

Getting to know someone online is a pretty common occurrence now, thanks to the popularity of Internet dating sites. Who doesn't feel a rush of excitement about more messages in your Inbox, or more matches waiting to meet you? And when you hit it off with someone over email or chats, then it's easy to keep up the virtual flirtations. But what does it mean for your real life?

Many people make the mistake of engaging too long in email exchanges, messaging, and even Skype chats before they actually meet each other in person. There's a certain degree of distance when you're interacting online, so don't just assume that because you have witty online banter that you'll click in person. More often than not, this isn't the case.

For example, let's say you've been emailing one of your matches for over a month. In fact, you've hit it off so well, you've started texting each other every day, telling each other jokes and gushing about how excited you are to find someone so great. You've grown really attracted to him, even though you've never actually met. But you've built this image of him in your head - who you want him to be. By the time you agree to meet, he seems awkward and surly, far from the fun and interesting guy you knew so well online. You're not connecting at all. In fact, you just want to duck out of the nearest exit. How could you have been so wrong about him? And worse, how could you have let yourself get so emotionally invested before you even met?

Instead of asking yourself why it didn't work out, take some steps to improve your chances of success in the future.

Meet sooner. There's no reason to spend a month emailing an online match. Most online daters meet and date several people at once, so things move fast. Instead of trying to get to know someone virtually before you agree to a date, try making plans to meet for coffee right away (within a week of emailing each other). There's only one way to tell if you click with someone - and that's in person.

Don't assume anything. How many of your friends who have online dated complained about someone posting an old photo or fudging their age or height? Online dating isn't a perfect science, and many people aren't completely honest in their pursuit of love. There's only one way to know if he looks as good in the photos as you think, or if he really is interested in a relationship. You have to meet him in person first.

Move on. Your virtual heart is broken, but it's not the end of the world. After all, you didn't really know him - you just thought you did. The next time, don't let yourself get caught up in the digital whirlwind of emotions - real life is the one that matters.