Relationships

Around the holidays, it's easy to get caught up in the bustle - shopping for gifts for friends and family, going to holiday parties, and keeping an active social life. But sometimes it can feel like a bit much - which is why a lot of people tend to get depressed over the holidays.

For some, the holidays are a reminder of everything you don't have in your life - whether it's money, a house you love, a good career, family close by, or a romantic partner. There is evidence of happiness all around you - in the decorations or non-stop Christmas music, and yet you don't feel inspired or happy. You see couples holding hands and families laughing together and you might wonder why you're still alone.

While you can't help your feelings, it's also important to remind yourself to be grateful for all the things you already have in your life. That's really what the holidays are about. And gratitude, more than anything else, will help you attract more happiness and love to your life.

While this might sound like a cliché, reminding yourself really works. Make a list! Here are some questions to help you get there:

What have you accomplished? For the entire year of 2013, write down all of the things you've accomplished that you're grateful for, no matter how small. Did you finish that half marathon? Did you start saving for a trip to Belize? Did you learn a little bit of French? Did you clean out your garage? These victories are all important reminders of what you are capable of, and the future you are working towards.

Who do you love? When you're sad about your love life and feel like you'll never find the right person, it's good to remind yourself about who is most important to you right now. Maybe it's your best friend, who always lets you cry on her shoulder, or maybe it's your Aunt Susan who has a plate of warm cookies for you whenever you visit. Remember the people who are there for you and send a little thank you note to each of them this holiday season. That means more than any purchase.

What do you love to do? Is there something you are passionate about, whether it's writing poetry, playing guitar, or surfing? The holiday season is a great time to indulge in those activities you most enjoy, and remind yourself that no matter what, you have passions in your life that can bring you joy. That's something to be grateful for.

Volunteer. If you're really stuck, volunteering to help those less fortunate than you is always a good reminder of how much you have in your life. Whether you go to a soup kitchen or help the single mother who lives down the street by offering to babysit her children, you're sending love into the world. And that is a good thing, no matter what time of year it is.

Spark Networks, owner of several popular religious dating sites such as JDate and Christian Mingle, announced the launch of the new Believe.com website, described as a faith-based lifestyle destination designed to serve the Christian community.

The idea for the new site came after a poll of Christian Mingle members was taken. An overwhelming 86% felt that "they needed additional support to help in their daily walk with God," but 74% were not aware of any digital destinations to help them do this. The new makeover to Believe.com is the company's answer to this problem.

"A tremendous amount of research and outreach to the community helped us determine the most important issues, trends and topics for today's online faith-based consumers," said Ashley Reccord, Christian Community Manager at Spark Networks. "Unlike any other content destination, Believe.com offers today's Christians a platform to engage, learn and pray in their everyday lives."

Believe.com is meant to be as interactive as possible with its members. Its features include a section called "Contributor's Corner" where users can engage with content that highlights messages, articles, and sermons from renowned Christian leaders and best-selling authors such as Jefferson Bethke, Sharon Jaynes, Jerry Jenkins and Mandy Hale. "Sunday Sermon" provides a video platform that enables people to view sermons they missed or to find new church leaders they wouldn't otherwise have heard about. "Ask a Pastor" allows members to ask questions about their faith and challenges they have in relationships, work, and other areas of life and receive faith-based feedback.

The most popular feature on Believe.com is called "Pray it Forward," which is a central place for people to share prayers for friends and family so they can engage a larger Christian community in the power of prayer.

The new site is making itself available over social media as well, with Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Google Plus platforms where people can leave messages, post inspirational quotes, and interact with each other.

"With the experience of building an unprecedented audience on Christian Mingle, Spark Networks has become a recognized leader in the Christian marketplace," said Ted Gartner, Partner at Grace Hill Media, an advertising partner. "It's exciting to see the new Believe.com respond to the market demand for a modern, multi-platform Christian lifestyle site."

To celebrate its launch, Believe.com declared the month of October as "Pray it Forward" month. They encouraged Christians everywhere to come together at anytime and anywhere to pray online (via the Believe.com website or through the mobile phone app). Members were also encouraged to promote and post prayers via social media using the hashtag #prayitforward and the Twitter handle @Believe.

Maybe you're not a gamer, but a new study by Stanford's Virtual Human Interaction Lab brings up an interesting conundrum. Researchers found that online avatars (our own virtual representations) could cause us to take on certain personas in the real world. Specifically, sexy avatars are making women objectify themselves in real life.

Researchers immersed 86 participants into a virtual reality world, giving some sexualized avatars (dressed suggestively in short dresses, high heels, and tight shirts) and others conservative, neutral avatars (wearing jeans, jackets, and tennis shoes). When asked about the gaming experience afterwards, the women with sexualized avatars were more likely to talk about their bodies. More than that, if they found themselves physically identifying/ resembling their avatars, they were more likely to believe sexist myths like women are manipulative.

Women with sexualized avatars actually started to see themselves as objects, rather than as human, during the course of the study.

While this study was specific to the relationship between women and avatars in the virtual gaming world, it made me wonder how our online images in general affect our real-life personas, especially in online dating. If you create a profile to project a certain image to potential dates, do you start thinking of yourself in a different way in real life?

Or to take it one step further, think about your social media profiles - Facebook, Twitter, and the like. Do you sometimes post comments or report a specific status to cast yourself in a certain light? For instance, do you post comments about the parties you attend or who you're meeting as opposed to saying "watching television in my pajamas and eating mac and cheese." If you post pictures of yourself in sexy dresses at bars, do you think of yourself differently than if you just post pictures of yourself hiking in your sweats and running shoes?

It's an interesting subject to consider. We are more than what we do in our day to day lives, we are also our online images. Many people we interact with online we don't see that often. Our image of ourselves can be crafted, and in turn make us think that who we are online is really who we are.

So what does this mean for online dating? We all want to present our best selves, so we pick photos that we think make us look sexy or powerful or confident, and we craft profiles to emphasize how we're sexy or confident or successful. This can make a first "real life" meeting nerve-wracking, because you will be compared to your online persona.

One thing is for sure, the virtual world is shaping all of us.

“Stephanie” didn’t grow up in her current city of residence, but she may as well have; she’s lived there for over a decade, longer than anywhere else. It’s a city that’s seen her through college, through her party years, through her entire professional life. It’s a city that’s been kind enough to provide her with a wide but close-knit circle of friends and acquaintances.

There’s just one problem: when it comes to dating, that circle can seem a little too close-knit. Over the years, it seems almost every possible pairing has already taken place. Any “new” person introduced to Stephanie seems to already have a “past” with someone else she knows. And those wild flings and moments of youthful craziness that happened several years ago are seemingly never forgotten amongst friends.

You don’t have to live in a small town to feel like your pool of prospects is shrinking; sometimes even big cities can have an “everyone knows everyone” effect, particularly in a specific culture or interest. What to do when that scene goes stale?

One possible first step is to turn to online dating. Instead of meeting someone at a local watering hole (who would likely know someone else there) or being introduced through a mutual friend (who is now a social link), you can “start fresh.” No preconceived notions, no ancient gossip, no baggage you’ve actually met.

The problem is that it can even be difficult to escape your social circle on an online dating site. Once you start searching for your usual interests, you might narrow your search right on down to people you already know (or their friends). This is where experimenting can be fun and revealing. Instead of emphasizing the side of you that most already know, think about who you really are.

Maybe you’ve met most of your friends through your volunteer work - and though that certainly is a part of who you are, you don’t really know anyone who can bond with you over your secret love of old horror films. In your new profile, try playing up the film buff side and see who you meet. You can remain true to yourself and still think outside the box. Remember to keep an open mind when you look at the profiles of others, too! They might not be your normal type - but maybe that’s a good thing.

A social circle, while comforting, can also feel claustrophobic. However, if you want to reach outside the group for new romance like Stephanie, you don’t have to move away to accomplish it. Sometimes it can be as simple as looking at an online dating site with a fresh perspective.

There is a murky time in almost every relationship where you wonder, "are we still just dating, or are we officially a couple?" And while you might want to know where you stand, it can be difficult to bring it up in conversation. After all, things have been moving along so well. Why ruin it with such a serious topic?

But then again, you don't want to waste time. You want to know where the relationship is headed.

So, how do you judge for yourself? How long do you date each other before you have the conversation about making it exclusive?

A recent poll conducted by DatingSitesReviews.com found that most people (54%) consider how long you've been dating the most important factor in determining your relationship status. In other words, the longer you've been dating, the more you can consider yourself an item. The majority of respondents (26%) felt that if you were dating for more than two months, you were in an official relationship. Nineteen percent felt that dating one to two months granted you the right to call it an exclusive relationship. Only 9% felt that two to four weeks constituted some kind of commitment.

Another important factor besides how long you've been dating: saying those magical three words: "I love you." Nineteen percent of respondents felt that when you said these words to each other, your relationship was official.

One interesting finding was that people don't necessarily view sexual activity while dating as a casual thing. Fifteen percent of respondents felt that a relationship was official once they'd had sex. Nine percent felt a relationship turned serious when you went away on a trip together.

Surprisingly, a traditional gage like meeting your date's parents didn't really factor in to most people's opinion of when you become a couple. Only one percent felt that this was proof that your relationship was official.

And for those who date a bit more casually, only one percent felt that the defining mark of an "official relationship" was when you move in together. So, don't keep dating lots of people until you find someone you can share a bathroom with - most of the men or women you date will think you're an item well before that point.

Bottom line: most people felt that the length of time you've been dating is the gage by which to determine whether or not you're in a relationship. So if you've been dating someone for a while without discussing what you both want, then you might want to talk sooner rather than later.

When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?

In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.

For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!

Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.

Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.

And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?

It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?