Writing Your Own Rules
- Friday, November 15 2013 @ 05:41 am
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 1,218
When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?
In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.
For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!
Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.
Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.
And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?
It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?
In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.
For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!
Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.
Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.
And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?
It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?
Subscribe
