Relationships

It's that time of year! Houses are strung with lights, carolers are singing, and mistletoe seems to be hanging everywhere. While there's a lot of celebrating and gift-giving all around, the holidays can make some people feel more lonely and excluded. Ever been to a family dinner or office party where everyone was coupled up?

This year, it's time to make a few promises to yourself. If you want to meet someone, it's important to be social and put yourself out there rather than letting the season go by and holing up in your house until January. And if you're coming off a break-up, then it's important to set some boundaries with friends and family (who might want to introduce you to cousin Phil's co-worker) and instead do what feels right for you (thanks but no thanks!).

Following are some tips for the holiday season:

Keep office parties professional. Maybe you love your co-workers and have gone to happy hours with them on several occasions, but an office party is different. Consider it an extension of your workday. You don't want to drink too much and subsequently flirt with your boss's husband. Keep your personal life out of office politics - even during the holidays. There are plenty of other places to meet people.

Reign in family gatherings. Do you feel like you get cornered by Aunt Sally at every holiday meal because she wants to know all about who you're dating and why you're not married? Instead of searching for answers to her questions, politely excuse yourself and let her know you're just fine being solo. Many people feel a responsibility to get their single friends and family a partner, but it's okay to let them know you're not interested.

Accept invitations to parties, dinners. Afraid of going alone to your friend's holiday party? Resist the urge to call your ex boyfriend and ask him to go with you. A wise friend once told me that men and women are attracted to people who go to parties alone - it makes them look confident, mysterious and sexy! Who doesn't want that? Don't turn down the invitation if you can't find a date - instead, embrace the opportunity. You might end up with a date by the end of the night.

Embrace the spirit of the season. I love the holidays, and certain rituals I grew up with make me happy no matter if I'm alone or with someone. I still like to bake cookies, volunteer, and decorate my home. Do you have a special ritual that you do over the holidays, like getting a massage or going out for Chinese food? Have you wanted to volunteer with your local food bank or women's shelter? Now is the time to do what makes you feel good to get in the holiday spirit.

Are you online dating, wondering how to juggle your holiday schedule? Or have you met someone great, but you're not sure whether or not to bring her to your office holiday party or family gathering?

The holiday season can be stressful, because there is so much going on and expectations can run a little higher than usual. Remember not to put pressure on yourself or any budding relationships - after all, if this were May instead of December, would you be pushing her to meet your family? Probably not.

Remember to relax, sit back, and enjoy yourself. Following are some tips to keep you on track.

No expensive gifts. If you just started dating, then you might want to hold off on purchasing that iPad mini for your love - no matter how smitten you might be. Don't look to impress because it's the holiday season. Besides, your date doesn't want you to give him an iPad when all he gave you was a scarf. And if you just started dating, you might want to consider having a conversation about not exchanging gifts at all.

Mix things up. This is a great time of year to avoid your typical dinner and drinks date. Instead, offer to take her sledding, ice skating under the stars, or strolling through the neighborhoods that go all-out with their Christmas decorations. There are plenty of great options if you just look.

Careful with family invitations. Maybe your parents are excited to meet the new guy you've been talking about, but is the holiday season the best time to introduce him? It might put unnecessary pressure and expectations on your relationship. Save the introductions until you've been dating a while, and bring him home to mom and dad when you're both ready.

Don't expect an invitation in return. If you decided to invite your new love to your family gatherings and office holiday parties, don't be upset if he doesn't return the favor. Relationships move at their own pace, and shouldn't be dictated by a holiday schedule. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or your date.

Take things slow. Are you dating more than one guy this season? Have they both asked you to holiday parties and family dinners? Maybe it's time to take a step back. Instead of trying to juggle your commitments, let your dates know that you're not ready for anything serious or to meet the family. Just spend time dating each man and get to know them better, as you would any other time of year. Don't feel pressured to make a commitment just because of the holidays. Take your time, relax, and enjoy.

If you’ve survived your teen years, chances are you or someone you know has taken a compatibility quiz in a magazine. In junior high they were something almost mystical and sacred, especially if they included astrology. “I’m not sure I should have a crush on him - he’s a Libra, so apparently it could never work in the long run.”

Even if you were no longer in the teeny-bopper demographic, the compatibility quizzes didn’t stop there; even magazines aimed at adults promised to cut their way to the core of your relationships, real or potential, with five easy questions. And even though everyone knows these sort of quizzes are mostly arbitrary, it was tempting to find meaning in them, define yourself by them, view conversations through the lens provided by them.

Those quizzes haven’t gone away today; in fact, they’re a main feature for many online dating sites. But the question is, are those quizzes any more useful than they were for preteens? If a computer algorithm matches you with someone, is it really much better than charting your astrological signs?

Yes... and no. Matching systems can certainly find people in whom you might well be interested - people who fit the general categories that would catch your eye: age, profession, even interests. What they can’t do is tell you if you’d actually be good for one another - hence the familiar story of being “matched” with an ex. Sure, you might have been interested at some point, so the system isn’t wrong - you’re just ahead of the system.

Quizzes are another issue. Depending on the site and type of quiz, they might not have been answered with much consideration or seriousness. On the one hand, you can choose to take them with a grain of salt. On the other, sometimes an answer can reveal something about the character of the test-taker. In short, there’s probably no cause to be broken-hearted if you and your partner don’t match up perfectly. On the other hand, if a potential match has red flags all over their quiz results, it might not be a bad idea to treat them with caution.

However, there’s something else to consider: those same red flags would probably surface in conversation. After all, if someone is vile enough to be apparent via an innocent quiz, there’s no hiding it for long. Also, in person you’re dealing with real-time reactions and responses, not carefully thought-out quiz answers. So a quiz might indeed be helpful, but meeting in person is still the best way to determine your compatibility.

So the next time you encounter a compatibility quiz, give it all the weight you want - but remember it’s just to help you decide if you want to meet this person, not whether you’re in love with them. The true assessment happens on the first date.

Imagine: a first date between “Sam” and “Alex.” Sam and Alex are sitting together enjoying drinks and appetizers; however, their internal monologues are miles away from each other.

Sam is still mentally trying to catch her breath. Traffic on the way home from work was terrible; she took the fastest shower known to man and the underside of her hair is still damp. She was able to pull herself together on time, but as she sat down at the table she realized she forgot to brush her teeth. Now she’s fervently hoping there isn’t anything in her smile she should be embarrassed about, and trying to wait for a moment to rush to the restroom that doesn’t seem too soon.

Alex is naturally shy and a little awkward. He’s spending most of his time mentally dissecting everything he’s just said, and inwardly punishing himself over it. That joke wasn’t even funny - she was giving him a pity laugh! He was too loud when he gave his order to the waitress! He just accidentally drank some water the wrong way, and tried to give a casual, delicate cough instead of the gasping and flailing he was doing mentally. Did she notice?

In truth, no, she didn’t notice, because she just realized she’d buttoned her shirt incorrectly in her frenzied tornado of preparation. She just had to get to the restroom and straighten herself out! Maybe then she could relax.

It’s twelve minutes into the conversation. Aside from the initial confirmation that yes, this is the person whose profile they enjoyed, each party has been more concerned with their own shortcomings than worrying about the other person. And that’s how it is for many people - we tend to be self-centered, quick to judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else.

If either Sam or Alex could relax, perhaps they could draw their date into the moment as well; so far it’s been two people who are mentally a million miles away. And perhaps they still will; once Sam gets back from pulling herself together and Alex’s adrenaline ebbs. But a chunk of their time together will have been effectively wasted.

As you go out on your first dates, bear Sam and Alex in mind. Don’t stress too much about your initial impression. If you’re nervous, your date is likely even more so, or even just preoccupied with something else (did they leave the hairdryer plugged in?). Nervous, quizzical small talk doesn’t do much to turn the evening around; relaxed, easy, friendly conversation does. And if you can keep yourself together and out of your own head, you’re already halfway there.

I spent a few days in Chicago and was reminded that in many parts of the country, fall is brief and winter comes around when you least suspect it. One day you are enjoying a nice afternoon in the park, the next the wind is nipping at you and you find yourself searching frantically for your heavy coat.

So how do you plan for a great date with all of this crazy and unpredictable weather?

While dating in good weather is an ideal situation because you can take advantage of the outdoors, cold weather offers a lot of opportunities that you might not even think about. Before you make plans for drinks, dinner, or a movie, consider some of these date alternatives:

Visit an art gallery. Maybe you can't enjoy a nice hike or the beach, but there's plenty of culture to be found in every city. Check out a neighborhood you haven't visited much to see about local galleries, or if your city has an artwalk, then check it out with a date.

Take a cooking class together. Nothing is more romantic than cooking for each other. In this case, learning how to make a new dish together in the comfort of a warm kitchen.

Painting parties. Getting together with other singles for a glass of wine and a blank canvas might seem intimidating, but it's a great and different way to break the ice with your date (so to speak). Don't worry, you don't have to be Monet, you just have to be able to hold a paintbrush. Painting parties are happening across the country - check your local listings for dates and times.

Improv/comedy theatres. Instead of a movie, try supporting your local theatre instead. Many cities offer a stand-up night at certain clubs, or have a theatre dedicated to improv comedy troupes for very reasonable prices.

Check out local festivals and events. Cold weather offers some interesting opportunities, like beer tasting and bratwurst, or nighttime hayrides, or perhaps a harvest festival with food, warm cocktails, and music. Check local listings for events near you.

Pick a museum. Has it been a while since you visited the Natural History or contemporary arts museum? Chances are, they aren't high on your must-see list when the weather is nice. But winter months are perfect for museum tours, and offer you an active date (strolling through exhibitions) rather than a passive date like ordering drinks at the bar.

Enjoy the season!

As we near the end of the year, prepare for tons of messages stating that now is the time to be impulsive. Whether it’s because of the supposed impending apocalypse that likely won’t happen or just the typical “go crazy on New Year’s!” message, now is apparently the time to shake things up.

Personally, I’m not one who likes to set change by a clock - isn’t that a bit counter-intuitive, anyway? - and I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, either. Still, I can appreciate the sentiment behind it: if you can easily point to several areas in your life you feel you need to improve, there’s no time like the present to get on it - whenever the present may be.

I’m also not one for the concept of impulsivity; while impulsive acts can lead to positive change, they can just as often lead to injury or the inability to face one’s coworkers ever again. So instead of taking the simple concept of impulsiveness at face value, let’s think about the “good twin” instead: bravery.

After all, when people talk about being daring or impulsive, they’re really talking about bravery. They don’t really mean you should scale that building while drunk because it seems like a good idea; they mean you should talk to that attractive person you’ve been too shy to approach. They don’t mean you should suddenly gamble your life savings at blackjack; they mean you should finally work up the nerve to stand up for your great ideas at work. Bravery means overcoming the fear that’s holding you back, not the common sense.

So perhaps we can incorporate a little bravery into our dating lives - not because it’s the end of the year, but because there’s no time like the present to start. We can approach people in public, or take the step to make that dating profile once and for all. A little extra bravery can help you increase your self-confidence; it can make you strong enough to ask for help when you need it. It’s something strong, enduring, and actually nothing like the fleeting, wild, ill-thought moments of impulsivity.

So as the year comes to a close and you’re inundated with messages urging you to do something crazy and impulsive, make a well-thought plan to do something brave instead. Even if you’re like me and not one to do things by the calendar, it can’t hurt to start the new year with something to be proud of, instead of something to regret.