Mentally Anywhere But There
- Friday, December 13 2013 @ 08:32 pm
- Contributed by: Jet
- Views: 903
Imagine: a first date between “Sam” and “Alex.” Sam and Alex are sitting together enjoying drinks and appetizers; however, their internal monologues are miles away from each other.
Sam is still mentally trying to catch her breath. Traffic on the way home from work was terrible; she took the fastest shower known to man and the underside of her hair is still damp. She was able to pull herself together on time, but as she sat down at the table she realized she forgot to brush her teeth. Now she’s fervently hoping there isn’t anything in her smile she should be embarrassed about, and trying to wait for a moment to rush to the restroom that doesn’t seem too soon.
Alex is naturally shy and a little awkward. He’s spending most of his time mentally dissecting everything he’s just said, and inwardly punishing himself over it. That joke wasn’t even funny - she was giving him a pity laugh! He was too loud when he gave his order to the waitress! He just accidentally drank some water the wrong way, and tried to give a casual, delicate cough instead of the gasping and flailing he was doing mentally. Did she notice?
In truth, no, she didn’t notice, because she just realized she’d buttoned her shirt incorrectly in her frenzied tornado of preparation. She just had to get to the restroom and straighten herself out! Maybe then she could relax.
It’s twelve minutes into the conversation. Aside from the initial confirmation that yes, this is the person whose profile they enjoyed, each party has been more concerned with their own shortcomings than worrying about the other person. And that’s how it is for many people - we tend to be self-centered, quick to judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else.
If either Sam or Alex could relax, perhaps they could draw their date into the moment as well; so far it’s been two people who are mentally a million miles away. And perhaps they still will; once Sam gets back from pulling herself together and Alex’s adrenaline ebbs. But a chunk of their time together will have been effectively wasted.
As you go out on your first dates, bear Sam and Alex in mind. Don’t stress too much about your initial impression. If you’re nervous, your date is likely even more so, or even just preoccupied with something else (did they leave the hairdryer plugged in?). Nervous, quizzical small talk doesn’t do much to turn the evening around; relaxed, easy, friendly conversation does. And if you can keep yourself together and out of your own head, you’re already halfway there.
Sam is still mentally trying to catch her breath. Traffic on the way home from work was terrible; she took the fastest shower known to man and the underside of her hair is still damp. She was able to pull herself together on time, but as she sat down at the table she realized she forgot to brush her teeth. Now she’s fervently hoping there isn’t anything in her smile she should be embarrassed about, and trying to wait for a moment to rush to the restroom that doesn’t seem too soon.
Alex is naturally shy and a little awkward. He’s spending most of his time mentally dissecting everything he’s just said, and inwardly punishing himself over it. That joke wasn’t even funny - she was giving him a pity laugh! He was too loud when he gave his order to the waitress! He just accidentally drank some water the wrong way, and tried to give a casual, delicate cough instead of the gasping and flailing he was doing mentally. Did she notice?
In truth, no, she didn’t notice, because she just realized she’d buttoned her shirt incorrectly in her frenzied tornado of preparation. She just had to get to the restroom and straighten herself out! Maybe then she could relax.
It’s twelve minutes into the conversation. Aside from the initial confirmation that yes, this is the person whose profile they enjoyed, each party has been more concerned with their own shortcomings than worrying about the other person. And that’s how it is for many people - we tend to be self-centered, quick to judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else.
If either Sam or Alex could relax, perhaps they could draw their date into the moment as well; so far it’s been two people who are mentally a million miles away. And perhaps they still will; once Sam gets back from pulling herself together and Alex’s adrenaline ebbs. But a chunk of their time together will have been effectively wasted.
As you go out on your first dates, bear Sam and Alex in mind. Don’t stress too much about your initial impression. If you’re nervous, your date is likely even more so, or even just preoccupied with something else (did they leave the hairdryer plugged in?). Nervous, quizzical small talk doesn’t do much to turn the evening around; relaxed, easy, friendly conversation does. And if you can keep yourself together and out of your own head, you’re already halfway there.
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